An Ode to 2016

Everyone's saying 2016 has been a hell of a year, for one of two reasons.

1. Trump
2. Dead Celebrities

About #1

I was afraid of having to bring this up again. This year's election was the biggest example of voting for the lesser of two evils, when the two evils are just as evil and you're afraid to pick the lesser. Is Trump a racist sleazebag? Perhaps. Did he win the popular vote? No, he did not. Does that mean anything? Not in the least. As much as some people hate to admit it, he won fair and square, all things considered.

The thing is, the United States isn't a true democracy. Had it been a true democracy, Hillary would have won due to the popular vote. But there's a catch here. That means there would be no Super Delegates. And without those Super Delegates, and had the popular vote mattered in the Democratic Primaries, Hillary could have still won, but the results would have been much closer.

This is not the only time where the popular vote lost. John Quincy Adams in 1824, Rutherford B. Hayes in 1876, Benjamin Harrison in 1888, and Bush #2 in 2000. This is nothing new. In fact, according to political journalist, Sean Trende, John F. Kennedy may have lost the popular vote. This source is a bit ambiguous, but it just goes to show you that popular vote doesn't mean anything in this country.

CNN, MSNBC, and even the DNC itself were all exposed thanks to Wikileaks. They were all being paid by the Clinton Foundation. This is why you didn't hear diddly squat about Bernie during the primary season. Why? Hillary paid the DNC and the mainstream media to undermine Bernie. That isn't a Democracy. Like I said to myself during election night: If Hillary is going to fail the democratic process, then the democratic process is going to fail her.

I'm certain she would have made a great president, but the thing is... She's crooked, and she cheated. In my opinion, she lost due to those Wikileaks reports, not due to racism and bigotry. Is Trump a racist, sexist xenophobe? That's a very popular opinion of him that I'm inclined to believe. Did he cheat? No, he did not. Welcome to the age of information, Hillary.

And to the people who didn't vote during the election, I have this to say: Your vote matters. If you don't like who's in office, and if you're sick and tired of only having a choice between two parties, please vote for someone other than Red or Blue. Votes matter. Or at least, they should matter. And if you're mad that Trump won, and you didn't vote: This is partially your fault. I didn't vote for him, but now that he's gonna be our president for the next four years, understand that there's little to nothing we can do about taking him out of the office, aside from waiting another four years and hoping another candidate steps up to oppose him.

And if you're thinking of assassinating him, free tip: President Pence would be way worse.

About #2

People die every day. Yes, we lost a lot of great people this year, but that doesn't change the fact that people die. Every year, more people are born, and every year, more people die. There's nothing more to it than that. I guarantee you, more people will die next year, then the year after that, and the year after that. Rule of thumb: If more people die during a year, there's bound to be a few celebrities among them. That's all I have for that.

Christmas 2016

Getting up at 7:30AM isn't normal, but on Christmas, it is

Normally, I don't go to church, but on Christmas, I do

Normally, car rides are a pain in the butt, but on Christmas, they ain't

And normally, I don't pay attention at mass, but on Christmas, I do.

The car ride back is usually a hassle, but on Christmas, it isn't

I usually sleep past 9:00AM, but on Christmas, I don't

I don't sit down, normally, with my family for breakfast

I usually have milk, but I guess I didn't, did I?

I don't like getting socks, but on Christmas, I do

I don't like getting underwear, but on Christmas, I do

I don't like getting clothes, but on Christmas, I do

Because they're from people who want me to have socks and underwear. Hooray.

Kindness is a like a hex, a fever, perhaps a curse,

but on Christmas, that isn't the case

It may rain, it may snow, but unless you're alone,

Christmas is still Christmas, and Hallmark's still making movies.

Public Domain Christmas Movie Recommendations

As we creep closer to the birth of the almighty JC, here's a lazy post about some public domain Christmas movies that I found online. You can watch these for free, as nobody technically owns them anymore. And since nobody owns them, I can't get sued for showing these to you! Hooray for the public domain, am I right?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1948)

Make no mistake. This is not the claymated Rankin-Bass version everybody knows. This predates it by almost two decades. It's much shorter, running only about nine minutes. It's neat to see a version of a story that was made before the one you know and love. Speaking of a Christmas story that's been told about a dozen times...

Scrooge (1935)

If you ask me, the classic story of A Christmas Carol is often remade because of how great it is. Seriously, in terms of a story about how being good can impact everyone. Unfortunately, It's a Wonderful Life won't be on this list. The funny thing is, it used to be in the public domain, but hey, it's not like the movie tells us that money makes you a greedy jerk, does it?

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Do you like cheesy sci-fi movies? Do you have an hour and a half to kill? Do you hate your brain cells? Then this is the movie for you. 

Miracle on 34th Street (1955)

This was made for TV, and it's less than an hour long. However, it is the same story as the famous 1947 and 1994 versions. 

Citizen Cane

I was going to write about my favorite Christmas candies. I was going to write it for you.

Then I realized there were little to pick from, I didn't know what to do.

I scoured the web, from Yahoo to Google,

And with little time left, my problem was two-fold.

There are like, NO Christmas candies. I was thinking of making a list, but there is no list to be made. I tried, people. I tried. I didn't try very hard, but hey, I tried. So, I have no other alternative subjects when it comes to Christmas candies other than the almighty minty, curved goodness of the candy cane. Rhyming is optional, I'm not getting paid to rhyme, and I'm not getting paid in general. 

It's shaped like a cane, or is it a J?

Why is it that color, why is it that way?

Like most good things, this comes from Germany. You've got to admire the Germans, they always make good stuff. According to folklore (Again, like most things) it was developed made created by a Colognian choirmaster for the children. I'm guessing he told the candy maker "Hey, I need to shut these kids up, but I want it to be quasi-religious" 

As it was around Christmas time, the children were singing and learning about the nativity. Shepherd carry canes, and there was one of those in the nativity scene, right? Boom. The candy cane was born. Ironically, created around Christmas, almost immaculately, and it's about the only thing people can think about during the Christmas party. Ain't I just the worst?

A little while after, the recipe for a red and white hard candy was published, and it was then curved like a cane. Hence, the candy cane. You can tell by the way it's made of candy and shaped like a cane. Unsurprisingly, the only two main ingredients are sugar and peppermint. 

That slogan can only work with candy and nothing else. Don't even think about what I mean about "Nothing Else" You'll end up on Santa's naughty list, and even worse, on an FBI watchlist. To be honest, I can't tell which one is worse.

Amy Beth Carter

Amy Beth Carter was a girl I used to know
Back in the old days, we were just kids
Curious about how she felt, I asked her out
Didn’t take long for things to kick off
Everything seemed so easy
For a while, at least
Gorgeous, she was simply gorgeous
Hair, sleek and shiny
I’s, a beautiful blue
Just the two of us, that’s all I ever wanted
Kristine Louise Martha, her cousin, was also very pretty
Luckily, Amy didn’t notice for a while
Much to my surprise, Amy eventually found out
“No! I can’t take it!” she screamed
“Oh, Amy! We-“I retorted, scared about what she would do
“Push off! I never want to see you again” She yelled
Quietly, I left, dragging my feet
Right after that, Amy moved
So, that’s how it went
Tomorrow marks our tenth year anniversary, or at least, it would be
Understand, that I haven’t seen anyone since
Vexing, that’s a good word for love
Why does it have to be so complicated?
Xavier, you need to learn how to let go of things like this
Yes, I would, if it wasn’t so difficult
Zoned out, flushed out, and out of luck.

Wacky, Weird Weapons From History

This shouldn't be a surprise, but to be honest, every civilization, every government, and every military has relied on weapons to forge their identities and their places in history. With all of the debate about gun control and such, it's no wonder that weapons (Firearms in particular) have come under scrutiny for being weapons of mass death and destruction.

Now, before I get any backlash, I'd just like to tell you my stance on gun control. Or rather, my lack of one. I don't have an opinion about how guns should be dealt with. On one hand, they're capable of hurting and killing innocent people, they're too easy to find and too easy to be placed into the hands of terrible people. On the other hand, a weapon is simply a tool. A tool can do nothing unless placed in the hands of someone who knows how to use it. Yes, terrible people can use guns, but it's worth mentioning that the history of the United States was christened by gunfire, and that's at least worth mentioning.

With all of this said and done, let's throw all the arguing out the window. While guns (and weapons) have carved their way through history like a KA-BAR knife through butter, it's worth mentioning that not all weapons are created equal. It does depend on the person wielding them, but when you consider what the person is wielding, it wouldn't hurt to examine the person, too. You get what I'm saying? Of course you do. I looked at Reddit for about ten minutes to find what I needed for this blog. I'm smart!

I've got a face you can trust! #afaceyoucantrust

Let's start off with something simple:

Insert ancient meme about x being in x, making x^2

Yes. This is a revolver. A double revolver, to be more exact. It's a revolver within a revolver. This was made by Joseph Enouy in 1855. From what little information I could gather, there are only one of these things in existence, which is both sad, but relieving.

You can understand why this came to be, if you're anything like me and love history. You see, back in 1855, there were no automatic pistols, no machine guns, nothing you'd recognize. Before the days of the self-contained round (Which came with the bullet, primer, and powder all in one neat package) you had to load each bullet in with the powder, pack it down a tube, try and make a spark, and pray to whatever you found holy that the thing wouldn't blow up in your face.

Rapid fire wasn't really a thing either. If you wanted to shoot faster, you'd either have multiple barrels, or just make the thingy that holds the bullets spin. This is where the revolver comes in. Then, one day, and Englishman named Joseph Enouy said "Let's take the whole thing that spins... And we make it spin".

Ridiculous concept aside, imagine carrying this. In one hand, no less. Comparing it to the Colt 1851 Navy, I'm gonna estimate that this thing weighs about... I'm gonna be nice and say about eight pounds. That's being conservative, if you ask me. That's about the weight of a rifle, and you're carrying this thing in one hand. It's too chunky and too heavy to defend yourself with, and no respected soldier would go into battle with this. It probably makes a neat paperweight, though. Imagine John Wayne trying to carry this thing in a movie set. He'd probably beg the director for something lighter, and punch the writer in the face, pilgrim.

Remember what I told you about multiple barrels?

This is Napoleon's pocket pistol. He carried it for self-defense. You'd think a guy like Napoleon Bonaparte would be a little less humble when it comes to defending himself. I imagine he'd rather have the previous weapon on this list. Hell, he'd probably run into battle with it, making gun noises. While the old joke about Napoleon being short is historically inaccurate, his massive ego was nothing to be sneezed at. Or shot at. Or exiled at. You can tell that he wanted to protect himself. Tangent: Can the President carry a gun to defend himself?

I imagine Trump would carry a gun. Like, something over-the-top. (Not unlike what Napoleon would have wanted) An American-made, over-the-top, double-barreled pistol, or something. Luckily, that's something of a myth-

Run for the hills, hippies!

Yeah, I know, I've been talking about guns a lot in this blog. Maybe I could balance it out a bit?

Can I get one in a smaller size?

A long time ago, in the 16th century, there was a man named Pier Gerlofs Donia, a Frisian pirate and all-around butt-kicker. This dude was a farmer. He then got tired of being a farmer, then decided to rebel. He was known for being large, strong, and in charge. The result? This sword was crafted to better suit him. As far as I can tell, this is the largest sword ever used in battle. The blade itself is five feet long, and the whole thing weighs about 15 pounds. That's remarkable, even for swords of this category, called "Greatswords". They are great swords, but they're also greatswords. You get what I mean. 

To be honest, Frisia isn't that large... Or populated... Or really... Much of anything. (Sorry to all Frisians out there. All twelve of you.) So it makes one wonder why one needed a sword that large. One swing, and half of the population of Frisia is now on the ground, split in half. It must have been a small rebellion, but again, what do I know?

Thankfully, there are so many wacky, weird weapons from history, that this blog post is bound to have sequels. More imaginary internet money for me!

Double-Barreled M1911 photo published by Guns and Ammo

All other pictures are from Wikipedia and are public domain, no rights reserved.

Buster Brown, a Terrifying Mascot

In my Communications History class, we spent a good amount of time talking about the history of newspapers, publishing, and generally, how important print as a whole changed the world. It was thanks to the development of department stores, such as Sears, that did away with bartering, long-distance travel for resources, and best of all, the advertising made it clear where they were, what was on sale, and when it was open. Truly, capitalism and the written word were joined in marriage. And then they made Buster Brown. Brace yourselves, mortals. For ye not know what you've brought yourselves to. 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Buster Brown.

I know this doesn't look like much, but there's a lot to this story. Named after Buster Keaton (Think Charlie Chaplin without the Hitler mustache) and based on some kid (Seriously, there's nothing else I could find about the kid), Buster Brown was the mascot for the Brown Shoe company, now known as Caleres, for some reason. 

Yes, pink was a boy's color back then, and yes, that hairstyle makes him look like a girl. At the risk of sounding misogynistic and transphobic (You can thank the media for that) that's not the reason why Buster Brown is now the new subject of my nightmares. Had he been wearing a leather jacket and sporting a comb-over, I'd still fear him. Are you sitting down?

When I clicked on this image, the face got bigger. 

Yes. This... Thing was a mascot. If you've ever heard of the uncanny valley... Ignore this next part. 

You know how weird it was to see how semi-real the characters were in that Tintin movie they made a while back? It's because your brain recognizes that it looks human, but through certain features, it looks wrong. It's unfamiliar. It looks human, but it isn't. When your brain perceives something like that, fight-or-flight sort of takes over, which is a good thing. Because if I saw Buster Brown in real life, I think I'd vomit out my own heart in terror. 

God, why?

That's not a dog, and that's not a kid. That's a guy in a dog costume, and a dwarf in a Buster Brown costume. You see, Buster Brown was a popular character back then. He had his own comic strip:

We'll just sacrifice the child to Tzeentch, mother. Then all will be right.

Which then blossomed into other terrifying forms of media. Such as this heart-wrenchingly horrifying Valentine's Day card. 

What, the bucket of blood, your alliance with a god of chaos, or the fact that you're the world's only talking dog?

Brown Shoes would hire dwarf actors, pick up a dog from the pound, and have "Meet-and-Greets" near department stores. Think Disney World. Only... Creepier. All to peddle shoes, which I thought I could turn into some moral, but to be honest, nothing's coming to me. But I guess it's worth a try.

Kids, don't make mascots your heroes. Especially dead-eyed children in old clothing with a talking dog. Those aren't heroes. Heroes are... Well, the opposite of dead-eyed children in old clothing with  talking dog. Stay in school, don't do drugs, and for the love of GOD, don't come to my house dressed as Buster Brown.  

Uncanny Valley image taken from Wikipedia, based on a graph by Masahiro Mori and Karl MacDorman, all other images are in the public domain and are subject to fair use, all rights reserved.

Civilization VI Mod Idea: Minnesota Civilization

I loved Sid Meier's Civilization V so much. To me, the Civilization series is THE 4X strategy game above all other 4X strategy games. (4X, of course meaning Explore, Expand, Exploit and Exterminate) At the risk of repeating much better critics than myself, not many games can turn an early morning into a late night than the Civilization franchise. So, why am I talking about it right now instead of something Christmasy? Well, hold onto your red Starbucks(tm) cup and allow me to explain.

In Civilization, you pick from a number of different historical leaders and lead a civilization (funny, isn't it?) from circa 4000 BC to the space age. Players can play in many different ways, being a religion-driven Russia led by Catherine the Great, or a power-hungry, nuke-happy India led by Gandhi.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of whoever has access to the Manhattan Project, motherf%$kers!

Okay, NOW I've lost you all. A thousand apologies. It's very difficult to not talk about politics and dictators while talking about a game where politics and dictators are the norm. The point I'm failing to get at here is that in more recent Civilization games, players who are smart and talented enough can program new things and put them into the game. These are called "Mods", and are fairly popular. With Civilization VI just being released, I had an idea: What if we could have Minnesota, my home state, as a playable civilization?

My God, I'm proud to live in this state!

Now, in the context of a Civilization game, Minnesota is going to need a leader. While a celebrity such as Bob Dylan or Prince would be the obvious choice, we're looking for political leaders. In this sense, I nominate Hubert Humphrey as our glorious leader.

A quick little history lesson for the less-informed: Hubert Humphrey was the 38th Vice President of the United States, serving under Lyndon Johnson. While he lost the 1968 election to Nixon, he is most fondly remembered for representing Minnesota for two terms in the senate. While the man himself was born in South Dakota, he's considered an honorary Minnesotan. Hell, the Metrodome was named after him. That's not nothing. Sheesh, now I miss the Metrodome.

Anyway, Minnesota's special ability will be "Land of 10,000 Lakes". This ability gives Minnesota extra culture and production points when a city is founded near a lake. This also allows Minnesota to expand faster when around lakes.

For the unique unit, I've decided on a Dakota tribe scout. Simply put, this is like a typical scouting unit, but unlike other scouts, which can't fight to save their lives, these units can move far, fast, and can actually fight against barbarians if needed.

And finally, for the unique building, I've decided that a cabin would be nice enough. It can only be built near a forest or a lake, but it provides extra housing, and replaces the neighborhood. It'll also be available earlier.

So there you have it. This is what I think about all the time instead of doing schoolwork. See you all next time.

Two Air is Human: An Exercise in Homonyms

There was a sale on sails, I could get one for my craft.

I'll walk down the aisle and sail to an isle, at least it's not a raft.

I said to the sheep running the shop, "I want to get two of those, too"

"You know I've got two ewes to feed, would you buy a nice paddle made of yew?"

I said "I'm just a buyer, don't you belong in a byre?" I told the sheep that day

I said "I might as well buy and say bye" and I was on my way.

Well I done crashed through a pane of glass, and boy was I in pain,

It was such a scene, and I was seen in a bit of trouble again.

So then a seven toed toad hopped up and said "Sir, do you need your boat towed?"

So I said "Yes, can you drop me off at the river?" and we rode down the road.

"Say there sonny, it looks quite sunny"   

"You're driving too fast in your car!"

"Well, I got one eye on the road"

"Look, there's a cop! Are you even thinking about our safety?"

"That's not a state trooper, he's just a plain ol' trouper!"

"Dear heavens! You almost hit a buck and sent it deer heaven!"

"Say, is that hair dye?"

"I think we're gonna die!"

So that toad nearly earned us a couple of urns, I mean, he was a toad

But he would be missed as he drove into the mist, and back onto the road.

I started to whistle a tune from some famous 'toon about boats and mouse

I may sound like I'm rapping, but really I'm just wrapping up this story, and I sailed to my house.

I prayed dearly to the sky, so that I wouldn't be preyed upon by a hungry crocodile,

I then thought, "I'll just give him a flower, ask him for a cup of flour" and we'd be pals for a while.

Now I have told you a story, but I've halved the story, as it could go on for a while.

But I'll be back in a while, walkin' down the aisle, and I'll tell you another tale in this goofy style.

Thanksgiving, and What it Means

In memory of my Uncle Mike, The Greatest Friend, Brother, Son, Husband and Uncle one could ever hope for. He worked hard for decades to support his family, and what he did every single day will never, ever be forgotten. I'd make a joke about cars and heaven, but... No. A loved one like Mike is above my petty, non-important jokes. I hope you can understand why this is hard and a bit awkward to me to type down. Death is never easy to talk about or read about, but I can be certain about one thing, and one thing only. Family gatherings, especially holidays, will never be the same without Mike. He was one of the greatest parts about family gatherings, and it was always nice to see him smile and laugh. Rest in peace, Mike.

Now back to our regularly scheduled ranting on the internet. Enjoy my stupid crap.

Thanksgiving's an odd holiday. Never in my life, has a national holiday completely confused me as much as Thanksgiving has. As a kid, all I understood about it was that some white people with buckles on their hats and a bunch of Native Americans got together and ate a ton of food. It didn't work out AS well for one of the parties involved, but hey, I'm sure the pie was delicious.

Quick tangent: Why the hell do these people have buckles on their hats? Buckles are for belts, fancy women's shoes, and diaries. They're there for a specific reason; they're there for their simple purpose, to keep things tight. To keep two straps together, too. Next week, I'm writing a whole story on homonyms, so I hope you enjoy that. I will.

To me, Thanksgiving is about the two greatest things in life. Food and family. You can't live without either, and my family loves to eat. I'm proof of that, after all! So, let's go down the list of the traditional Thanksgiving foods, and my thoughts about them!

Turkey: You can't have Thanksgiving dinner, or hell, even Christmas dinner, without it. Arguably, the most delicious of the birds. Unfortunately, chicken has lost that regard decades ago. You do NOT want to know what chickens go through in those factories. I'm not even an animal rights activist, and chickens eating feed made of the nutrients in their... I don't want to spoil your appetite. You do NOT want to hear the rest of that sentence. Anywho, turkey is great! You've got two different types of meat in it, both of which taste slightly different, and give one more options when gorging oneself.

Gravy: Made from grease, makes everything better. You can pour this stuff on anything, and it'll make it better, especially an entire Thanksgiving meal, and over more gravy. I've had fantasies about taking a whole gravy boat and shotgunning it down my throat.

Mashed Potatoes: The butterier and lighter, the better. It's almost like an edible glue that can hold an entire overfilled plate together. Techinically, this makes mashed potatoes the backbone of a Thanksgiving meal!

50 Things I Would Do With 50 Clones of Conan O'Brian

The election is tomorrow, I've got exams and internships to take care of, and I'm almost certain Timmy's in the well again.

You know what I'd like to do for this week's post? I want to post something that doesn't have anything to do with two rich blondes from New York fighting over a house like some reality show that not even TLC would spurt out if it farted too aggressively. Like Tyson Ritter, lead singer and guitarist of the All-American Rejects, told the crowd while performing in St. Paul: "If I started to actually care, I think I'd kill myself". So, if CNN and Fox want to throw some jargon and buzzwords at the American people like they don't understand politics, I say "Screw it" and think of things that don't actually matter, but anyone in their right mind would rather think about. At least, that's my opinion.

Here's 50 things I would do if I had 50 clones of Conan O'Brian!

1. Have one of them be a chef.
2. Have all of them have different hairstyles.
3. Remake Conan the Barbarian.
4. Remake Conan the Destroyer.
5. Remake that new Conan the Barbarian remake they made like, 6 years ago.
6. Send one to Harvard, one to Yale, and one to art school.
7. Start a marching band.
8. Have Conan's desk cast in solid bronze. Don't ask me where I'll get the bronze.
9. Crash a birthday party with about a dozen of the clones.
10. Have one write this blog while I waste my time playing video games.
11. See if we can discover a new element together.
12. Start a circus of Conan clones.
13. Run a D&D session, based around Conan's life.
14. Create my own Conan-themed superhero expanded cinematic universe, including toys, about a dozen Netflix Original shows, and will confuse new audiences by introducing them to the comics, which will anger fans of the original Conan comics.
15. Have one of them claim to be female, just to see how big of a fit social media will throw.
16. Start a fashion line.
17. Lay siege to Yorktown.
18. Buy Buzzfeed, shut it down.
19. Replace Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Katie Couric, Larry King, Jay Leno, Dr. Phil, those two black guys that replaced Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, and the entire circle of witches from The View.
20. Create a new language.
21. Create a Patreon account, just to see how many people will donate.
22. Underground gladiator pit, where two Conans fight for the glory of Rome.
23. Start a sitcom.
24. Have the original Conan be known as "Subject Alpha"
25. Create another Scooby-Doo TV series on Cartoon Network that won't last two seasons.
26. Take back Crimea from Russia.
27. Have one of them write The Communist Manifesto by hand, backwards.
28. Bake sale.
29. Run a production of Hamilton, but make ticket prices cheaper, so people can actually see it.
30. Write a book on what it's like to live in a house with 50 redheads.
31. Play with Legos.
32. Leak my cloning technology online, blame hackers.
33. Leak my cloning technology online, blame ISIL.
34. Leak my cloning technology online, blame one of the Clone-ans.
35. Trademark the term "Clone-an"
36. Finish A Song of Fire and Ice. God knows George R.R Martin won't.
37. Change that lightbulb in my room.
38. Buy about a dozen minivans. We're gonna need them.
39. Have one of the clones get super-fat, then lose weight, replacing Subway's old spokesman.
40. Invent something. I'll have plenty of time on my hands.
41. Win a Nobel Prize for cloning Conan O'Brian.
42. LARP every other weekend.
43. Civil War reenactment! (Which is basically LARPing for old people)
44. Totally screw-up secret-santa at the office by having several of the clones work there.
45. Have one of them marry into the Rothschild family.
46. Have one of them marry into the British royal family.
47. Overinflate YouTube with even more "Let's Play" channels.
48. Have one of them tuck me in at night.
49. Staring contest tournament!
50. Start a Conan-based party platform to run in 2020.

Simon Belmont Vs. Sir Arthur

I'm bored. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. You wanna know what cures a dull boy such as myself? Violent thoughts!

Just to clarify, this is about fictional characters fighting to the death. Ever since Spike TV's Deadliest Warrior ended with a battle between Vampires and Zombies, I've been fascinated with fictional characters fighting to the death. Since then, there have been many, many "Who would win" shows and blog posts on the internet. So, I've decided to throw my hat into the ring and do something special for Halloween night. 

Usually, when I'm sitting in class, trying not to pay attention to the lesson, I like to think of these certain scenarios. I thought, since I have a blog, and nothing special prepared for Halloween night, what if I could kill two birds with one stone and get both of these out of the way? A what-if battle and something Halloween-related!

Castlevania's Simon Belmont (Konami)

vs. Ghouls ‘N Ghosts' Sir Arthur (Capcom)

It’s a battle of classic side scrolling monster-hunting heroes! Both Castlevania and the Ghouls ‘N Ghosts series are legendary for their difficulty, but which monster-killer would kill the other? Let’s find out. For this battle, I’ll be using data from the respective wikis of each series.

With Simon, I’ll be ignoring the Lords of Shadow series, since that’s a different timeline altogether. Simon’s abilities, skills and power-ups will be taken from Castlevania I, II, IV (The SNES Remake of I) and a bit of Judgement.

Likewise, with Arthur, Ghosts ‘n Goblins, Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, Super GnG, and Ultimate GnG are all considered canon, so those power-ups and abilities will be evaluated. Like Simon, I’ll take a few liberties and assess Arthur’s fighting skills from Marvel vs. Capcom 3, but not a whole lot.

Sir Arthur is a brave knight that ventures into the depths of the Demon Realm to rescue his beloved Princess Prin Prin, who gets captured by Satan and other demons in each game. His main equipment is the steel Knight Armor, which he loses when damaged, and a Lance that he throws at enemies.

Primary Weapon: Lance

While slow, it’s fairly strong, and useful against most enemies.

Secondary Weapons/Power-Ups:

·         Axe: A throwing weapon, lobbed at a 45 degree angle. Useful for attacking flying opponents.

·         Dagger: A rapid throwing weapon.

·         Sword: A melee weapon useful for fast, powerful strikes.

·         Crossbow: Shoots 2 projectiles diagonally upwards. Useful for shooting down flying or jumping opponents.

·         Discus: Can be thrown at all sides. Moves along the ground.

·         Torch: A grenade-type weapon that creates a trail of fire.

·         Cross Shield: Used to defeat the demon lord Astaroth. While it has a limited range, it can be fired rapidly and even block projectiles.

·         Psycho Cannon: Used to defeat the demon lord Lucifer. A short ranged energy attack.

·         Goddess’ Bracelet: Used to defeat the demon lord Nebiroth and the demon emperor Samael. Fires a powerful energy blast, and can be fired rapidly.

·         Whip: Yes, Arthur has a whip, too. A short-ranged melee weapon that can be used to grab objects, it comes in both a vine whip and electric whip version. 

While Arthur’s weapons can hold off enemies in a fight, if he’s overwhelmed, he can rely on his armor and magic to take down tougher opponents.

Abilities: Arthur can double-jump and maneuver in the air quite effectively when doing so. Likewise, he is capable of throwing his weapons in any direction, giving him a distinct advantage over his enemies. Arthur also seems to have incredible luck and skill, as he's had to go through all of his games twice. Anyone who's ever played any of the GnG games will know how frustrating it is to go through just one of them a single time, let alone, twice.

Weaknesses: While his knight armor can withstand even the most powerful of attacks, no matter how many armor power-ups he’s collected, it’ll shatter in only one hit, leaving Arthur in his underwear.

Unless Arthur has the shield and is hit from the front while wearing the Golden Armor, another hit, and Arthur’s done for, and will turn into a pile of bones.

Feats: Arthur has defeated ghouls, ghosts, goblins, werewolves, giant birds, giant evil fish, flaming demonic bears, red devils, and almost half a dozen of hell's commanders and rulers. If evil comes knocking at your door, Sir Arthur will protect you, everyone in the building, and everyone on your block by killing the evil, then taking the fight to the evil, and killing its king. Twice.

Simon Belmont is a renowned vampire hunter from the 17th century, and also the first and one of the most recognized of the heroes from the Castlevania series. He is the heir to the renowned Vampire Killer Whip and of the Belmont clan and became the most famous vampire hunter from his family.

Primary Weapon: Vampire Killer Whip

At first glance, it seems like a plain ol' bullwhip. However, if Simon is able to find upgrades, it turns into a metal, spiked chain that Simon can use to full effect against the living-impaired and the bloodthirsty.

Secondary Weapons/Power-Ups:

Dagger: A basic sub-weapon. Useful for killing weaker opponents at a distance.

Axe: Useful for killing airborne enemies. If done correctly, this can attack an enemy multiple times with one throw.

Cross: A cross-shaped boomerang. Again, if done correctly, will hit an enemy multiple times.

Holy Water: A bomb that erupts into flames when it hits the ground, producing fire.

Stopwatch: Stops time for a few seconds, giving Simon a distinct advantage.

Abilities: Simon can swing his whip like Indiana Jones, swing with it like Tarzan, and that's just for starters. He is arguably the greatest "Whip-master" in all of gaming, and he has plenty of evidence to back it up.

Weaknesses: Simon's sub-weapons rely on ammunition for him to use them. While not rare, in the heat of a battle, they'll be expended quickly, and then Simon will have to rely on his whip. When it comes to jumping, Simon's no expert, either. Most tricky jumps, Simon will solve with using his whip. Really, his trump card is the whip, which cannot be relied upon forever.

Feats: Simon has killed a plethora of legendary monsters, including Universal Studios' monster mash cache. Before I mention Dracula, Simon's sworn enemy, during the events of Castlevania I, II and Super IV (Which is the remake of I, mind you) Simon managed to slay and defeat (Drum-roll, please)
Giant Bats
Medusa (And an army of floating Medusa heads)
Mummies
The Frankenstein's Monster
Gargoyles
Giant Plant Monsters
Dozens of Undead Knights
An Army of Skeletons
Werewolves
The Grim Reaper, AKA DEATH ITSELF Twice
And Finally, Count Vlad Tepes II, the Nosferatu, King of Vampires and the Lord of Castlevania, Bela Lugosi, Gary Oldman, Dracula.

If you hear a bump in the night, you know who to call. The Belmont family's poster-boy, and savior of Europe, Simon Belmont. It doesn't matter where Dracula is, or how powerful he is, the Belmonts, including Simon, will always be there to defeat him.

The Rules: Arthur and Simon start out like they normally would when playing their respective games. No power-ups or special weapons yet. With a few exceptions, they are more or less human, and will die when they have taken the same amount of abuse that would normally kill a human. Other than that, the two will take damage like they normally would in a video game. Also, the two will grab weapons at the same rate as they usually would in their games.

The Battle: Sir Arthur has a clear advantage over Simon at the beginning of the battle. Simon doesn't start out with any ranged weapons, and lacks the mobility to successfully defend himself from Arthur's lance attacks. Simon's going to need to close in on Arthur, and the two grab some power-ups while closing in on one another. Simon grabs a throwing dagger power-up and some ammo, but Arthur counters with his own barrage of throwing daggers. Simon takes a few daggers, but still presses on.

Picking up a whip power-up and a throwing axe power-up, Simon is able to close in on Arthur, but is forced to retreat, as Arthur has throwing axes of his own! The two toss their special weapons and abilities back and forth. Most of the time, their powerups counter one another. Arthur finds another armor power-up, giving him the golden armor while Simon tracks down another whip power-up, nearly doubling its length.

Arthur is able to assault Simon with magic blasts, but before Arthur can finish him off, Simon uses the time stop power-up, expending the last of his ammunition. Arthur quickly retreats as Simon follows him, cracking his whip all around, using the terrain to swing around on his whip. Arthur jumps in just the right place, and receives the sword power-up.

Arthur, now in his underwear and wielding a sword and a shield, charges towards Simon, who is cracking his whip all around him with intense speed. The two close into melee range. Simon slashes at Arthur with his spiked whip, shattering it into a million pieces! But before he's able to hit Arthur again, he is quickly decapitated by Arthur's sword and falls to the ground, dead. Arthur then runs off to find his girlfriend, Princess Prin-Prin.

Analysis: Now, at first glance, these two heroes seem identical. They slay monsters and save the day. The main differences, however, lay in their fighting styles, maneuverability, and feats. Yes, it's very impressive that Simon has been able to defeat Dracula, but the main problem is that, well, Dracula doesn't stay dead for long. To put it bluntly, the Belmont clan just isn't very good at killing vampires. Even when Simon defeated Dracula's spirit in Simon's Quest, Dracula still came back.

When Arthur defeats his enemies, even if they're powerful demon lords, they stay dead. What's most impressive about this is that, in the GnG series, the games have to be beaten twice. At the end, the player is given a message basically stating "This was all an illusion, do it again". And Arthur went through all five GnG games, twice, canonically without dying. This means that Arthur has five times the monster-slaying experience than Simon does.

Throw that in with Arthur's ability to double-jump, larger assortment of weapons, and access to magic, and Simon doesn't stand a chance against Sir Arthur. Heck, even if it meant having to do it twice, Arthur could defeat Simon twice in a row.

On one final note, while Simon has defeated the Grim Reaper before, like Dracula, he always comes back. You can't just kill death. You can prolong it, but you can't kill it.

Winner: Sir Arthur

Indeed

Public Domain Horror Movie Recommendations

Today's post is going to be very short, since I'll be at a party. However, I can give you a few recommendations on what to watch! These movies are all public domain, and are not copyrighted. Hell, one of them was made over a century ago, and was thought to be lost for decades!

Frankenstein (1910)

As far as I can tell, this is the first movie based on the book. Made by Thomas Edison, this movie is over 100 years old, and since movies back then weren't well-preserved, many movies from this era have been lost to time. Only one copy of this movie was found in the hands of a private collector, and has since been declared public domain. Don't worry, I have plans to talk about lost films in greater detail in the future. Until then, be very thankful that you're able to watch this.

White Zombie (1932)

The first zombie movie. Ironically, this movie stars Bela Lugosi, the guy who played Dracula the year before.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari (1920)

This is another good silent movie. Everything's jagged and dream-like. To me, the absence of color makes it scarier.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Don't watch this one with kids around. For 1968, it's violent. What's cool, however, is that this movie stars an African-American, which back then, was almost never seen in mainstream media.

Star Wars: Death Troopers

Before I begin, I'd like to point out that there may be some MINOR SPOILERS in case if anyone's interested in actually reading this book. I'll avoid major plot twists, but tell as much as needed in order to paint a proper picture.

I love Star Wars. I grew up with Star Wars. It's hard to deny the cultural impact of the franchise, as it has reached literally every medium of entertainment that I can think of. Comics, TV shows, a friggin' Christmas special of all things, and books, to name a few. The books in particular helped inflate the lore and canon of the Star Wars universe, and prior to Disney rebooting Star Wars, there's a figurative galaxy's worth of stories from the Star Wars expanded universe, now called "Legends".

Don't get me wrong. Not all of the Legends universe is all fine and dandy. Yes, you'll get the occasional Shadows of the Empire and Knights of the Old Republic stories, but prior to Disney's reboot, there was a lot of junk in the canon. To save you all time and sanity, I won't get into that... Yet.

I will, however, give you my thoughts about one of the last expanded universe books published, and how bat-guano crazy and awesome it is at the same time. None other than Death Troopers.

It seems that, despite the overwhelming inflation of zombie video games, movies and books, even Star Wars had to have a piece of the action.

Published in 2009, Death Troopers takes place one year before A New Hope. An imperial prison barge is making its way through the galaxy. Suddenly, the engines fail, and a team is sent in to retrieve spare parts from a nearby derelict Star Destroyer. After returning, the crew and inmates begin to suffer from an illness, causing immense pain and swelling, killing victims within hours and bringing their corpses back to life. It's up to two brothers, an imperial officer, the ship's doctor, and a couple of familiar faces to figure out the origins of the disease, how to stop it, and how to escape with their lives.

During the beginning, it feels like your typical Star Wars story. Around halfway is where things get violent, disturbing, and even gruesome. I can say, at least in terms of a Star Wars book, the descriptions are some of the most detailed and horrific. I'm not going to lie, it gets downright sadistic at points. Not to mention, when I think of Star Wars, I don't really imagine a lot of blood. There is some blood in the movies, and a bit more in the video games, but this goes above and beyond that.

It has all the right twists and turns of a great thriller, the scares of a zombie flick, but still manages to capture some level of Star Wars charm with its characters and setting. While I originally scoffed at the idea of zombies in Star Wars, Death Troopers gives a lore-friendly explanation to how the disease works, and of its origins and creation. And trust me, once you get to know these characters, you'll want to see them make it out alive and in one piece.

In conclusion, as both a zombie story, and a Star Wars story, Death Troopers manages to stand out, and yet, feels very familiar. If you can get your hands on a copy, I say give it a read. But if you'd rather listen to it, there's an awesome audio book version presented by Audible. It has sounds, music, and wonderful narration. If you love Star Wars and you're looking for something spooky to read, do yourself a favor and give it a try. If you're a zombie fanatic and want to learn a bit about Star Wars... How have you NOT seen Star Wars?! Sheesh, you call yourself a nerd and have never seen any of the movies? Do yourself a favor and watch the movies right now! Don't worry, you don't have to see Phantom Menace. You will be forgiven if you skip that one.

Death By Laughter

Death isn't funny. None of us truly know the answer to what happens after your heart stops, your brain stops sending electrical signals through your body, and you'll be stuck in the ground for a while. Some are afraid of death, and some embrace it as just another path in existence, but it is no laughing matter. Except when it is. Then, it's kinda funny.

"Dying of Laughter" is a term people use to describe when they've started to laugh so hard, they can't breathe for about 10 seconds. These same people also like to use the term "Literally" in almost every wrong way. No, you literally didn't die of laughter. You are a liar, and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop using "Literally" to describe everything. You are destroying a beautiful language.

But, in some very real cases, people have perished due to laughing. You'll have to forgive me if I find these funny, but to me, there's no better way to go out than with a smile. You can trust me. Can't you? Trick question: You can't, but I say you can, because I too, am a liar. That being said, here are a few cases where people have literally died of laughter.

First, I should talk about real-world laughing gas. We know it as N2O, or simply as nitrous oxide. This is the stuff that makes expensive cars go fast, what dentists use to make the pain go away, and the stuff that junkies put inside their bodies every time they use whippets. If enough of this stuff is in your system, oxygen won't be able to flow through your blood, and you'll eventually pass out, or even die. Don't do drugs, kids.

No joke, this crap will kill you.

But, what about non-chemical factors? What about naturally laughing to death? Well, we've got plenty of examples here for you!

The first example comes from Ancient Greece, like all good stories. 

There once was a man named Chrysippus. He was a philosopher, which isn't saying much, as this was Ancient Greece. From what I could gather, he was a pretty smart dude with a pretty awesome beard. He wrote about many rules of logic, and overall, he probably had a better grip on reality than I do. I know, what a jerk.

Now, the circumstances of his death are quite odd. One account says he died laughing after witnessing a donkey eat some figs. I'll give you a moment to create a mental image of that. A donkey eating figs. The story does say that he was drunk, so I guess if you're blowing .04%, you find a lot of things funny, like women's tennis, The Notebook, and watching a donkey eat figs.

Our second example for today comes from Medieval Europe.

Martin of Aragon was an old, fat king. When his brother croaked without any heirs, he took the throne for himself, and spent most of his time waging wars in North Africa and trying to keep the throne away from the many Sicilian nobles who wanted the throne to themselves. This was back when Sicily wasn't considered part of Italy, and demanded respect, I guess.

I won't go into detail about how many children this dude had, and how he failed to secure the throne for one of his sons, but I will say this: Obesity and laughing at the top of your lungs do not mix. The details of his death aren't exactly clear, but I imagined he died thinking "Dude, Italy looks like a boot, and it's kicking us!".

The last example for today is a bit odd, as it requires a bit of perspective.

Please forgive me for the fact that there's a man in blackface pretending to be Muhammad Ali. This was the 1970s.

Anyway, this is from an episode of The Goodies, a British comedy TV series. So, the plot is that Bill is teaching his friends about the might and power of Ecky-Thump, a Lancastrian martial art that involves bashing people over the head with black pudding. His friends, Tim and Graeme, don't believe him, and challenge him to one-on-one combat by using made-up martial arts.

Anyway, a 50-something bricklayer saw this scene, and couldn't stop laughing for 25 minutes. He stopped eventually, but he died. Instead of receiving a lawsuit from the man's widow, Bill, Tim and Graeme were given a letter, thanking them for making her husband's final moments wonderful. The man did have heart problems beforehand, but it's the laughing which caused his heart to give up.

Out of all the ways you could ever expect to go out, we should follow this man's example, and live life as it is. We all are born, we live, and we die. We are not born to die, but to live our lives happy, and with the ones we love. The best you can hope for after a long life is a nice, pleasant death. And you have to admit, that episode was funny as hell.

A History of Werewolves

I've chosen my costume for this Halloween season. I've gone with a werewolf. I know, cool? Actually, I never really considered it until I went to Party City (Yes, the exact same Party City as before) and found myself an "Ani Motion Werewolf Mask" not unlike this one:

I know, spooky, ain't it?

So, I went on and thought to myself: "Why is it that werewolves wear flannel and jeans?". Actually, it's a very good question. In fact, it's a good enough question for me to go on over to Wikipedia and a few other sites to find out the history of these magical, flea-bitten, feral, ferocious, fanged, fluffy freaks!

Alliteration is fun.

Let's begin.

While rarely showing up in actual historical context outside of witchcraft, the first mentions of a man-wolf monster shows up in classical antiquity, and there are mentions of men turning into wolves from Germanic paganism from around the same time. Like many cool monsters, there's mention of a man being turned into a wolf in the tale of Lycaon. And what's a Greek tale without the abusive father of the gods, Zeus?

Bad dog! Now you go outside!

Lycaon wanted to test if Zeus was really who he claimed to be. Being a genius, he cooked his son and fed him to Zeus. Zeus was like "Nah man, this is your son! BAM! You're a wolf now!" The moral of the story? Don't cook people and feed them to gods. Since gods know everything, they'll see it coming. In turn, they'll turn you into a man-eating beast as a show of "There, now you try and eat people. Have fun while I bring your son back from the dead! Let's see how happy he'll be once he wakes up on a plate in front of a shoddy-looking mascot!"

There's not much mention of man-wolves in the early medieval times, aside from some old tales from ancient Germanic tribes. Come the 15th and 16th centuries, and there were stories of witchcraft, paganism spreading wild, and even tales of cannibalism and people rising from the dead. One such tale comes from France, like all good stories involving exotic culinary adventures. A hermit known as Gilles Garnier was found guilty of witchcraft, cannibalism, and being a werewolf. 

Not a very flattering picture, but it's the only one I could find.

During his trial, he said that a ghost gave him a magic potion. He wanted to ease his hunger by turning into a wolf. This didn't go over well with the court, as confessing that a ghost gave you a magic potion to turn you into a wolf-man to devour the flesh of human children wasn't a good idea, when even being accused of witchcraft would land you a spot on the burning stake. Needless to say, Gilles was burned at the stake. Surprisingly, the inquisition was busy or something, and local authorities were the ones to start the wolf barbecue. Gilles would be one of many to die at the hands of a "Werewolf Witch Trial". I'm inclined to believe that vampires, witches, werewolves and the like were just blanket terms for "Spooky people we need to burn" by the church.

Oh yeah, I should also mention that Werecats are also a thing. In Asia, Africa, and Pre-Colombian America, there were thought to be men and women who could change into leopards, lions, jaguars, tigers, and the like. Though, these were less taboo, as I guess cats are known to eat less people than wolves. 

Ever since Bram Stoker's Dracula, wolves and vampires have had some sort of connection. As, in the book, Dracula demonstrates that he can communicate with animals (Such as wolves) and turn into animals (Such as wolves). 

From then on, films like Werewolf of London and The Wolf Man have laid the ground rules for werewolves, and brought the idea of a wolf-man into pop culture. While Underworld and Twilight changed things up a bit, the basic formula has stayed the same. Moon good. Silver bad. Awoo.  

Jack's Top 15 Favorite Halloween Candies!

Yeah, I'm about 250 pounds, but I don't care. Candy is delicious, good for your soul, and way better for immediate relief than drugs or alcohol. What better way to celebrate the spooky season than showing you sugary treats to shove down your gobs, come the night of All Hallows Eve?

Honorable Mentions:

The treats that didn't quite make it. While not inherently good or bad, they're just not good enough. However, through either flavor, gimmick, or something else, they'll have a special place in this season of spooky. 

Toxic Waste

"The Sourest Candy in the World" is just that. Not really big on flavor, but my, oh my, does it sting when you put two of them in your mouth at the same time. No joke, one time, after trying to handle three of them in my mouth, my tongue actually started to bleed. I'm not even joking, this is strong stuff. It's not easy to find, but if you enjoy hurting yourself and melting your taste buds, this is the candy for you.

Scorpion Lollipops

And now, for a different kind of bite, while the candy itself isn't very good, having a bland blueberry, strawberry, or green apple taste, it's primarily a novelty candy, and should be certain to scare the pants off a kid when he finds it in his plastic pumpkin.

Candy Corn

Not many people like these. I don't either. Some people do, and those people are Stalinists Aliens rare to come by. They're sweet, but something's off about them.

Oreos

Are they cookies? Yes. Are they delicious? Yes. Are cookies technically candy? I say no. Sorry, Oreo lovers (I'm looking at you, Nick and Tony) but Oreos, even of the Halloween variety, are going to have to be on a list of best cookies or comfort foods, if I'm ever inclined to believe that I could or should make such a list. 

#15: Almond Joys (And by extension, Mounds)

Let's face it. Most kids hate coconut. But when they bring these home, mom and dad have plenty of reasons to dip their hands into the candy piles. When I came home with these, my dad would always ask for these, and hating coconut, I let him have it. Kids, if you're inclined to give your parents a little bit of candy, give them these. However, my mom wasn't so easily swayed by these, but we'll get to that in a minute.

#14: Butterfingers

This is proof that sweet and salty go together.

#13: Blow Pops and Tootsie Pops

I like to put these in the same category. But if I had to pick one, I'd say I prefer Blow Pops. They don't have that nasty brown flavored ones like Tootsie Pops. Is that brown flavor supposed to be chocolate? It doesn't fit or make sense.

#12: Milk Duds

Okay, I admit. These are only on here for being one of my personal favorite movie theater candies. It's not super-high on this list, because in terms of Halloween candy, I've got better candidates. Sorry, Milk Duds, in the interest of fairness, you're only this high on the list.

#11: Warheads

While certainly not as sour as Toxic Waste, it's much more available, tastier, and overall, better. These things are the kings of hard, sour candies. Put two in your mouth and see what face you make. You'll probably get famous on Instagram or something. Try it. I dare you.

#10: Nerds

I have no clue why these things are called "nerds" but it doesn't really matter. I always enjoyed ripping the top off of one of these little boxes and shooting it down my gob like a tequila shot. Tart, and just a teensy bit sour in some cases, these are fun to eat.

#9: Starbursts

These chewy, fruity candies really only have one downside. You've gotta unwrap them individually, and unlike other candies, they're not easy to unwrap. That costs it some points, but hey, it beat dozens of fruity candies I was considering.

#8: Sour Patch Kids

And now, for the best of the sour gummy candies. I was originally going to put down Sour Punch Straws, but for the life of me, I don't remember getting those for Halloween, ever. Whatever, they're both awesome.

#7: Skittles

Coming in a rainbow of variations, and by extension, a rainbow of flavors, these things are the go-to movie theater candy for many, and earns the #7 spot on this list for being plentiful in every plastic pail.

#6: Twix

Snickers, Three Musketeers, and many others were considered. But for me, I just like the simplicity of the chocolate, biscuit, and caramel. But as far as satisfying crunches go, it's just short of the next contestant.

#5: Kit Kats

We get it, Kit Kat, these things make a crunchy noise. We love the crunchy noise, and we know they make a crunchy noise. You don't have to keep selling it to us like that. We all know.

#4: Hershey's Bars

This is what makes a summer campfire special, but it's what nearly completes a night of trick-or-treating. It doesn't matter what shape or size these come in, or even if they have almonds, Hershey's is the company it is today thanks to this chocolate bar.

#3: Tootsie Rolls

My mother, bless her heart, loves these things to death. And so do I, and so do many others. I know I mentioned the Tootsie Pop earlier in this list, but there's something special about the Tootsie Roll itself. Whether in the little individually wrapped ones, or one of those big, long ones, there's something special about being chocolatey and chewy at the same time.

Runner Up: M&M's

Yeah, they'll melt in your mouth, but they'll also melt in your pocket. I've seen it happen. Doesn't matter. Mars had the right idea, and not many candies get to become their own ice cream flavor. With so many variations around every major holiday, it's hard not to see these hard candies in a grocery store or a gas station.

Winner: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Do you love chocolate? Do you love peanut butter? Do you not mind your mouth getting a little dry? Not if you're like many people who love these things. Even beating Hershey's Bars and M&M's, there's no nonsense about this candy.