In my Communications History class, we spent a good amount of time talking about the history of newspapers, publishing, and generally, how important print as a whole changed the world. It was thanks to the development of department stores, such as Sears, that did away with bartering, long-distance travel for resources, and best of all, the advertising made it clear where they were, what was on sale, and when it was open. Truly, capitalism and the written word were joined in marriage. And then they made Buster Brown. Brace yourselves, mortals. For ye not know what you've brought yourselves to.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Buster Brown.
I know this doesn't look like much, but there's a lot to this story. Named after Buster Keaton (Think Charlie Chaplin without the Hitler mustache) and based on some kid (Seriously, there's nothing else I could find about the kid), Buster Brown was the mascot for the Brown Shoe company, now known as Caleres, for some reason.
Yes, pink was a boy's color back then, and yes, that hairstyle makes him look like a girl. At the risk of sounding misogynistic and transphobic (You can thank the media for that) that's not the reason why Buster Brown is now the new subject of my nightmares. Had he been wearing a leather jacket and sporting a comb-over, I'd still fear him. Are you sitting down?
When I clicked on this image, the face got bigger.
Yes. This... Thing was a mascot. If you've ever heard of the uncanny valley... Ignore this next part.
You know how weird it was to see how semi-real the characters were in that Tintin movie they made a while back? It's because your brain recognizes that it looks human, but through certain features, it looks wrong. It's unfamiliar. It looks human, but it isn't. When your brain perceives something like that, fight-or-flight sort of takes over, which is a good thing. Because if I saw Buster Brown in real life, I think I'd vomit out my own heart in terror.
God, why?
That's not a dog, and that's not a kid. That's a guy in a dog costume, and a dwarf in a Buster Brown costume. You see, Buster Brown was a popular character back then. He had his own comic strip:
We'll just sacrifice the child to Tzeentch, mother. Then all will be right.
Which then blossomed into other terrifying forms of media. Such as this heart-wrenchingly horrifying Valentine's Day card.
What, the bucket of blood, your alliance with a god of chaos, or the fact that you're the world's only talking dog?
Brown Shoes would hire dwarf actors, pick up a dog from the pound, and have "Meet-and-Greets" near department stores. Think Disney World. Only... Creepier. All to peddle shoes, which I thought I could turn into some moral, but to be honest, nothing's coming to me. But I guess it's worth a try.
Kids, don't make mascots your heroes. Especially dead-eyed children in old clothing with a talking dog. Those aren't heroes. Heroes are... Well, the opposite of dead-eyed children in old clothing with talking dog. Stay in school, don't do drugs, and for the love of GOD, don't come to my house dressed as Buster Brown.
Uncanny Valley image taken from Wikipedia, based on a graph by Masahiro Mori and Karl MacDorman, all other images are in the public domain and are subject to fair use, all rights reserved.
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