December 21st 2012 Part VI: We're Still Here

Remember when the world was supposed to end six years ago? It seems silly to think that we're still here. I'm glad we're still here. I like all of you.

I remember seeing the initial rumors, and then the panic and hype. Was the end coming? I prayed that I'd be saved from the inferno. What I failed to realize is that praying to my Christian God would be fruitless towards protecting me from a Mayan threat.

Also, another thing to consider is that the Mayan calendar doesn't specify what happens at the end. When a calendar ends, you replace it. Any measurement of time is simply an arbitrary length given by humans to understand time better.

Is any of this important? Yes. Always remember that there will always be some whacko preaching the end of the world. And until you see fire raining from the sky, shut up and enjoy your day. Go to Qdoba. Their burritos are like, an entire pound. If you froze one and threw it at someone, they'd die. Food for thought.

That's a Mayan prophecy that'll come true.

My Nightmare Before Christmas

This is sort of a continuation of my dream journal. It's a rare thing when I can remember my dreams, especially nightmares. I won't tell you about the first nightmare I remember. All I can tell you is that it involves a puppet. I may be disturbed. A-wa-a-a-a. Instead of getting down with that sickness, let me tell you about a recent nightmare of mine.

One of my personal dreams is to win the lottery and have an entire house made of flannel. Just a big cabin in the woods with a flannel interior. Chairs, stairs, everything.

So, and I swear to God, this is how my dream went. I wouldn't make this up.

While my house was being built in the dream, Ben Shapiro was chasing me. If you don't know who Ben Shapiro is, you're in luck. I mean, for not knowing who he is. If you love him, good for you, it's just that you've spent too much time jerking off to rhetoric.

So, that's pretty much all there is to this story, but just imagine my fat ass running from a Jewish Republican repeating the phrase "That's not an argument" over and over again.

What does this dream mean? I think my subconscious is telling me that Ben Shapiro doesn't want me to fulfill my stupid dream. I guess my dreams are liberal propaganda. What a cuck!

Christmas Ghost Stories

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you be of good cheer

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's the hap-happiest season of all

With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings When friends come to call

It's the hap-happiest season of all

There'll be parties for hosting Marshmallows for toasting And caroling out in the snow

There'll be scary ghost stories-Hold on... Who the hell tells ghost stories around Christmas? That's more of a summer camp slash Halloween thing. Why does that song go like that?

I once asked my brother Tony about this, and he replied: "Isn't A Christmas Carol a ghost story?" It has ghosts in it, but it is not a ghost story. By that logic, The Bible is a ghost story. I'm not being a dick, The Bible explicitly has ghosts described in it. We're getting nowhere.

According to a quick Google search: “Whenever five or six English-speaking people meet round a fire on Christmas Eve, they start telling each other ghost stories,” wrote British humorist Jerome K. Jerome as part of his introduction to an anthology of Christmas ghost stories titled “Told After Supper“ in 1891. “Nothing satisfies us on Christmas Eve but to hear each other tell authentic anecdotes about specters.”

It's no surprise, I guess. People argue that "Christ is being taken out of Christmas", but here's the thing: Christmas predates Jesus by about a decade. Sorry to spoil it for you, but Christmas has pagan and Roman roots. When Christianity spread, the early Christians couldn't get rid of the heathen winter festivals. So if you couldn't beat 'em, you'd change the festival's name and be done with it.

When the puritans came to America, they didn't bring Christmas with them, because puritans are spoil-sports. In the 19th century, around the time when A Christmas Carol was published, Christmas started to become popular in America. It was Americanized, and spread throughout the world. I suppose in a sense, in that way, A Christmas Carol is a ghost story. It brought a pagan festival back to life, and now people argue that Jesus is being taken out of it.

Have a lovely day.

Santa's Slay Review (Some Spoilers)

Add your own holiday pun here.

First off, I should state that holiday-themed horror movies have been around for a while. A guy running around killing people while dressed as Santa Claus is nothing new either. Funny to think that, specifically, Christmas-themed horror movies predate the original Halloween. But no, we're not looking at Black Christmas or Silent Night Deadly Night. No, we're looking at something well past traditional horror. If you ask me, modern horror movies that turn out to be silly aren't trying to be horror movies. Any "so-bad-it's-good" horror movie is not trying to be funny. I've seen movies that are written from the ground up as "comedy" horror movies often fall flat, and it is sad to see. When you have a movie that isn't trying to be funny on purpose like The Room, you end up with comedy gold. I've seen movies that try to be funny on purpose that are just depressing to watch and have made me consider where I stand as a human being, like most movies Ben Stiller in in. Where does Santa's Slay stand?

If you ask me, it's more of a black comedy than a horror movie. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, actually. So yeah. The movie stars WWE Hall of Famer Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus. Yeah, a Jewish wrestler is playing Santa Claus, strap on in. Santa in this movie is actually the son of Satan. If you've ever switched the letters of Santa around and got Satan, you're about as smart as the writers of this movie.

So, Santa has been cursed to give presents for 1000 years. It's now 2005, and those 1000 years are up. It's up to a couple of high-schoolers and an old man to stop him. If you're asking for any substance to my description, I'm going to tell you it'll be impossible to give you any without actually reciting the script for you. There's a kill with a candy cane, a Jewish deli owner staked with a menorah, and a reindeer-buffalo that eats a person off screen. Is it worth your time? Hell yeah!

My last thought before totally spoiling this movie is that I love how it sets itself up for a sequel and how it didn't follow through with it. It's like it exists in its own universe, and how ridiculous it is. This movie is everything a stupid slasher movie needs. An over-the-top villain, over-the-top kills, and over-the-top dialogue.

Jack's Pile of Pages rates Santa's Slay a 7/10. It's worth about one watch, or several if you're high or drunk. Might as well hit the 'nog and rent this movie!

My Final Thoughts: It's like this movie was written for Goldberg. It even ends with his famous catchphrase: "Who's next?"

I Hate Glitter

I'm not a negative person, at least not entirely.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for their life decisions, their creeds, their beliefs, and so on.

People are people, and there is nothing that you can say or do to change your status of humanity... For the most part.

But if you were to take a little bottle of glitter from a craft store or such, and happened to empty it all on me, I would hate you more than anything in the entire world. More than Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-Un. You would be dead to me, and I'm dead serious. Styrofoam is bad, but if you ask me, glitter is way, way worse. And the worst part is that it serves no function.

Styrofoam has its function mainly as a packing material. Yes, it is harmful to the environment, but luckily, scientists have found a solution. Starch-based packing peanuts were developed in the 1990s, and are slowly replacing regular packing peanuts, and hopefully soon, Styrofoam. Sure, it might get on you if it breaks off, but it would be no worse than just getting some food on your clothes. It dissolves and washes off. That's a good thing.

However, to my knowledge, glitter has no "better solution" yet. When glitter gets on you, it sticks. It can be washed off, but when it's taking a joyride on your shirt, it shimmers, making it more notable. That's annoying.

I have nothing against glam rock or hair metal, but it was that subculture that made glitter so popular.

Now, you're looking at me like I'm crazy.

Don't deny it.

See?

You feel it on your skin, don't you? Just a single piece of PET that's seeping into your skin. It's a microplastic. They cause cancer. Do you feel pretty yet?

December 2018 Opener: I Hate Styrofoam

I hate Styrofoam. It is a plague upon humankind and must be stopped. I have my reasons. I'm not crazy. You think I'm crazy, don't you? I have a list of reasons, folks. Styrofoam is evil. And here's the worst thing: Most of it can be found around Christmas, and that's awful.

Used for insulation and packaging, Styrofoam was created in 1947 and we've never looked back on it. The Styrofoam brand polystyrene foam, which is used for craft applications, can be identified by its roughness and the disgusting "crunch" it makes when cut.

However, the crunch is the least worst thing about Styrofoam. The next worst thing is how it feels. Rough, and if a little speck gets on you, it won't just come off. Even if you try and brush it off, it's a crapshoot. Even if you do brush it off, it sticks to your hand. Fun.

Buy that's not the worst part, in fact, it's far from the worst part. Styrofoam is a possible carcinogenic substance. Wheels for Wishes has an entire list of bad crap that Styrofoam is responsible for. It's made from nonrenewable substances, it takes forever to degrade into nothing, and all of it ends up in the ocean. Eventually, that's what's going to turn the ocean into a giant plastic soup. 

And that's why I don't like Styrofoam. 

This isn't some first world problem or me complaining. The fact that Styrofoam is annoying is the least of my worries. It is legitimately harmful to the planet, and if we don't get rid of it, fish and sea turtles are going to literally choke and die swimming in it. 

Hope you think about this during the holidays. Thanks! 

(I smile and offer no solution.)

Post Number 13

666, 420, 69. They're all just numbers that people have decided to give meanings. Sure, mathematically, 13 is just the number that comes after 12 and before 14, but with a lot of things, people have decided that this arbitrary prime number is one of the spookiest! There's a bit of a history with this one, and I've seen it argued about a few times, mostly over drunken banter, but I'm here to give you what I believe is the true answer.

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. To my knowledge, this is the only number I could find that people are afraid of. There must be something significant behind it, right? Well, not from what I could gather. The reason that I see it debated is that there are so many different theories and answers. And trust me, there are a lot. Long story short, there isn't anything definitive and concrete to why 13 is considered so spooky.

The first instance that comes to mind was the Apollo 13th near-disaster. Everyone thought it would happen, and there was a disaster! Kind of. One of the oxygen tanks blew up when the pilot pushed the "stir tanks" button. Had 13 wielded the stopping power of a truly unlucky number, those three men would be dead, and Tom Hanks wouldn't earn yet another paycheck playing Captain Jim Lovell. I actually met Jim Lovell a few years ago, and I unfortunately lost the picture. It's one of my greatest regrets to capture the moment on an IPhone. He said to the crowd at the event we were at that: "It didn't come down to luck. We were astronauts, we're trained to deal with things like these, and thanks to our training and hard work, we made it back to Earth safely." or something to that effect. Yes, there was an accident, but it could have been worse. The Apollo 1 launch was a complete disaster, and the number 1 isn't so unlucky, now is it? Apollo 7 was successful, but there's one little detail that was missed here. There was no Apollo 2.

Technically, this means that Apollo 7 wasn't the 7th Apollo mission. It was the first successful manned mission, taking place in near-earth orbit, but if 13 is considered unlucky, then by all means, Apollo lucky number 7 would have accidentally met an alien fungus that cured cancer and made childbirth painless. That would be lucky. Myth busted, good sir.

What about Judas Iscariot? 

Yeah, that guy. Got paid 20 pieces of silver to betray Jesus. Almost makes you wonder why the number 20 isn't unlucky. Some say that 13 is unlucky because Judas was the 13th person to sit down at the last supper. There's a problem with this little theory. There is no mention in the Bible about the order of bum-placing at Jesus's little dinner party. Not to mention, there are other sources that say that 13 is lucky according to Christianity. The Thirteen Attributes of Mercy come to mind, Bible-thumpers.

What about Friday the 13th? No, not the film series, the actual date of Friday the 13th. Nothing of note or of substance could I find about the actual date of Friday the 13th being so bad. Yeah, some crusaders got arrested and there was a tiny stock market crash, but that's nothing. There is no cosmological reason why Friday the 13th is so bad. Stephen King thinks so, but then again, Stephen King thinks croquet mallets are scary murder weapons.

Spoooooooky!

And with that, I finish my 13th post of October, today at the 31st. 13, 31? I think it's just a spooky number palindrome!

Oh, as I finish this up, 13 isn't the only number commonly associated with fear. I totally forgot about 666. Maybe some other time, kids. I've got candy to eat. Happy Halloween.

Pour Some Licorice on Me

This one's for grandma. My greatest memories of her are when we would have Twizzlers together at the cabin.

When talking about licorice, there are two things to focus on. The plant and the confectionery (Candy for the young-uns.) Yeah, just like the marshmallow (We'll get to that sometime) licorice, or liquorice as smart-marks call it, was originally known as a plant. Like the one pictured above. The flavor and goodness of the licorice plant are usually taken from the root of the plant, pictured below.

Now, I'm not sure when licorice was first being used as a confectionery, but we do know that it was being used as medicine for like... A lot of time. Not really a good idea, because as soon as I googled "licorice", I was directed to a bunch of "Health effects of licorice" medical pages. As it turns out, eating a lot of licorice root isn't good for you. Then again, eating a lot of anything isn't good for you. So, apparently, eating too much licorice causes weakness, high blood pressure, and something called hypokalemia. Hopefully, you won't get any of those while eating that delicious candy after Halloween!

Boiled in water and mixed with sugar, licorice has been used to make all kinds of confectioneries.

I'd just like to point out that in the Netherlands, they have something called "salty licorice". Now, take a moment to let that in. That would taste HORRIBLE. A lot of people don't like licorice, but if you mix that with salt, you've pretty much guarenteed to not sell that to people. The people who live in the Netherlands must really like these, too. I'm pretty sure that they're the only ones who eat and enjoy salty licorice. I don't mean that they're a little salty. It's not like enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or some "saltwater" taffy, I mean they're really salty. Go ahead and wash that taste out of your mouth with some licorice liquor, pictured above.

This leads us to red licorice, which doesn't even taste anything like original licorice, which is probably why it is much more popular in the states. While resembling regular licorice, no actual licorice root is used to make it. This variety, usually flavored with strawberry or cherry, has certainly made its way into the mainstream of American candy, thanks to Twizzlers.

From Wikipedia: "The manufacturer of cherry Twizzlers candy is one of the oldest confectionery firms in the United States. The company was established in 1845 as Young and Smylie, and adopted Y&S as its trademark in 1870. National Licorice Company was created in 1902 through the merger of three small firms: Young & Smylie, S.V. & F.P. Schudder and H.W. Petherbridge. In 1908 a plant was opened in Montreal and in 1929 the Twizzler brand was established. The company changed its name to Y&S Candies Inc. in 1968 and was acquired by Hershey Foods in 1977."

The rest, they say, is history. As for me, I really like the lemon and cherry kind. If I can get my hands on it, I can't get enough of it. I may have a problem. The first step to recovery is stating you have a problem.

Not to mention, Twizzlers are actually kosher and vegan! Imagine that!

In conclusion, Red Vines suck.That is all.

Burgerville: A Real Horror Story (Concept)

(Taken from a journal found in an abandoned mall in Massachusetts) 

I woke up at 5 AM this morning. I usually get up at 6, and the mall opens at 7. Unfortunately, my car hasn't worked for at least two weeks. But right now, that's the least of my worries. 

I showered, dressed, and put on my Burgerville Uniform, a dull blue shirt that had faded to a nice shade of periwinkle over the years. Sun damage or the wrong detergent? Who can say for sure.

What matters is that I sort of stand out from amongst the others. They could afford to pay for new uniforms. Me? I've got car payments and a younger sister to take care of. Mom got sent away, and dad was never there. So for now, Burgerville, PlayStation, and my little sister Judy are my life. 

I unlocked my bike outside of the apartment complex. Thankfully, it snowed the night before, so that was my insurance against it being stolen. Nobody wants to ride a bike through snow, and nobody wants to steal a bike in the snow. 

Took me a good hour and a half to bike to the mall. It usually takes only an hour, but snow isn't exactly convenient. I locked my bike in the now empty bike rack and head inside.

None of the stores were open yet. No teenagers talking to each other through text, no annoying children in the play area. Just me, the cleaning staff, and the rest of the openers. This temple of the dollar will be my tomb one day.

The people who arrive when we open are zombies, obviously controlled by whatever crap goes into the burgers and fries. None of them can form a coherent sentence or even properly order. "Burber 'n faes" is the usual order. Which burger? Which fries? In what size and combination? We made this almost as easy as possible to understand, given the giant glowing sign above my head, you dipstick. "Can I get a McMeal?" Can you get a vasectomy so that your idiotic genes don't spill into an equally stupid mate? 

Even worse than "breakfast" is lunch. I can't call a burger with chicken fries and a shake "breakfast". It never has been and never will be, not in this dimension or any other. At least three orders are taken every minute from 11AM to 1PM, which is what people in this society have determined as "lunch time". At least with it being a school day, there was no chance of any teenagers being here. 

I hate teenagers. I hated being a teenager. When you get called "the poor kid" every day for four years in a row, you don't exactly get a nice view of the world. And if people don't treat you well in high school, you can be sure as shit they won't treat others well as simple-minded adults whose only character traits are "hungry" and "angry". Makes me wonder how easy it would be to convince them to jump off a bridge or tip me.

I hate children even more. Greedy little monsters want their kids meals with toys nowadays. We're Burgerville, we've never done toys with our kids meals. Try explaining that to a fat, stupid housewife with five equally fat and stupid children. I look at the clock; it's 1:05. "Lunchtime" is over, and in five hours, it'll be "Dinner time". I'm tasked to mop up somebody's chocolate vomit off of the floor and wall. This extra-long shift is gonna suck.

The Case for Halloween III: Season of the Witch (Spoilers for Halloween 2 and 3)

Stop lying to yourself if you hate this movie. You've never seen it. First, a little history and context are needed for this rant: 

Halloween (1978) and its sequel were supposed to be the saga of Michael Myers. Taking place on the same night as the original film, Halloween II is basically the same romp as the original, with Michael Myers killing people with a knife. You know, business as usual. 

At the end, he's trapped in a room full of gas and lit on fire. That's more dead than he's ever been, and originally, that's where it should have ended. However, it wouldn't be the end of Michael Myers, as we'd come to see with all of the bad, bad sequels. Trust me. Halloween 4, 5, and 6 are really, really, really bad. Not even fun bad. Stupid bad.

Where this all started was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which (no pun intended) drastically changed the series. First off, no Michael Myers. "How can you have a Halloween movie without Michael Myers?" you ask. Well, he was supposed to be dead due to the events of the last movie, that's why! He got blown up and burnt to a crisp. That's deader than he's ever been (wink wink).

Halloween III: Season of the Witch is instead about a cult that makes masks that kill children. See? That's an original idea. You know how many times a masked killer with a signature weapon has been done? A lot. You know how many times a cult that kills children to appease their pagan god has been done? Significantly less. 

But no, this film was panned for being nothing like the original. It wasn't meant to be like the original, which is one of the strongest things it has going for it. 

Usually, children are safe in slasher movies. In Halloween III, they are not. In fact, at the end of the movie (SPOILERS) there's a cliffhanger ending that implies that thousands of children die, with the hero shouting "Stop it!" repeatedly, trying in vain to stop the broadcast that kills the children wearing masks made by the bad guys.

You won't get that with the other Halloween movies. In fact, the series was worse off going back to Michael Myers, and the whole "cult of the thorn" story line. Trust me, it's stupid. Really stupid. Now, which would you rather have? Something original that breaks new ground, or another slow masked killer story? Yeah, thought so.

Army of Darkness (1992) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Hail to the king, baby.

This was originally going to be about The Cthulhu Mythos. Mainly, an introduction with some common questions answered. Due to awful circumstances involving the death of my grandmother, I feel as if focusing on unhappy and morbid things like the works of H.P. Lovecraft wouldn't be quite what I would like to do.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about a movie very loosely based on the Lovecraft stories. It is one of my favorite movies of all time, and is arguably the greatest cult movie ever: 1992's Army of Darkness.

Bruce Campbell plays Ash Williams, who has been sent back in time due to a magical portal. The movie thankfully rolls up the plots of the first two Evil Dead movies, but it would be a treat for you to watch both The Evil Dead and Evil Dead II. They're both fun, quirky horror movies, both definitely worth your time. 

However, Army of Darkness is more of an action film, and it's easy to see why. Our hero, Ash, is more of an action hero than a horror protagonist, like he was in the first two movies. He's got a chainsaw for a hand, a shotgun, and a whole lot of attitude. You'll instantly fall in love with him, his personality, and his one-liners. 

What are you doing right now? You could be watching Army of Darkness right now. Screw what Metacritic says. This film has some of the best action, humor, and funniest editing I've ever seen. Practical special effects, old-style medieval action, and to top it all off, creatures spawned from the Necronomicon. 

Army of Darkness gets a 8.5/10. It is food for your soul, and while it is silly, it is worth your time. 

My Final Thoughts: There's an Evil Dead Musical, also worth your time. 

The Thing (2011) Review (Spoilers)

And it isn't practical effects. Yet. Or much, really.

 This is going to be another quick one, because the worst has happened and I don't think I can clearly focus right now have to give you a proper review of this movie. Like I said in my last review, tragedy was about to come, an early this morning, it came. Again, I'd rather not stick my problems on you guys, but always remember that the scariest thing that can happen is not a ghoul coming to your house, nor a vampire nor any ghosts and goblins that go bump in the night. It's the death of a loved one, and I wish this hadn't happen so close to my grandmother's birthday, but she passed early this morning. Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now, but I can't chicken out on this blog because I promised all of you that I'd get 13 out, and by God, you're getting 13 blog posts this month. Like I said before, hold on to your loved ones as long as you can, please.

With all of this being said let's begin this crappy review. 

The ORIGINAL original version of The Thing was created in the 50s, and it's an enjoyable little film. Then John Carpenter came along and remade it, which is even better. It's a suspenseful monster movie worthy of it's own review. In fact, it'd be the second time I would review a remake that is arguably better than the original, the first one being 2017's It. Wow, "It" and "Thing" are two very vague titles. And both of them are based on books. Strange. 

Anyway, this movie was mostly unnecessary. It did have a lot of good ideas going for it. However that doesn't help most of the film's flaws. the biggest and most glaring flaw that this film has is the lack of suspense that the original (What I'll be calling the 1982 version) had. In fact, one of the biggest things the original had going for it was the suspense.

And don't even get me started about the special effects. the original has some of the greatest gore and alien effects that I've ever seen, and a true testament to how scary and disturbing and realistic that practical effects can look. this one has some practical effects but most of the time you can tell that it's computer-generated... and it looks awful. I've seen worse, but it's insulting to the original. 

The actors are fine, but they don't seem to have the same chemistry as the original crew. In fact, I think the original crew had a lot more personality to it. And our leading lady doesn't nearly have as much charm as Kurt Russel's character, R.J MacReady.

One good thing that I can say about this film are the callbacks to the original. 

(Heavy Spoilers)

Yes, this is a prequel to the original film. The humans who made first contact with The Thing are the cast, and if you've seen the original, you can guess what happens to most of them. Even the ending has the dog from the beginning of the original is shown. We see the dog earlier in the film, and it's the only dog that is shown prominently. That was my first clue. And from then on, the pieces clicked together. 

They even allude to the scene in the original where they try to figure out who's a thing and who's still human. In the original, they had reason to believe that every part of the creature was independent. In the prequel, they only know one thing: The Thing can't recreate non-organic material such as earrings or tooth fillings, and that's how they (almost) find it. 

Even the flamethrowers are back! And yes, flamethrowers were in the short story, too. The action and a little bit of the suspense are there, but in the end, I can't recommend this movie as much as I recommend the original, or even the older version. Do yourself a favor and watch those first. Overall, this film gets a 5.5/10. It doesn't have much going for it, but it's something to watch. It suffers a lot from CGI and leeching off the original.

My Final Thought: There was also a PS2 game that's a sequel to the original. I'll have to track that down.

Halloween (2018) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Hey folks. This review's gonna be a little short. Tragedy has struck the family, and I don't know if I can clearly process this. This isn't going to be a memorial blog, because it's hardly appropriate or fair to have a memorial post as a review for a slasher movie. All I'm saying is: Hold onto your family members. Please, hold on to them as much as you can.With that being said:

The Halloween franchise has taken a few odd turns. Don't believe me? Well, you should. We've had cults, remakes, and even several "reboots". After all of that, it seemed like Halloween was done. However, shockingly, this film ignores all of the sequels. No, not even Halloween II counts here. Nor does H20 or even those remakes made by Rob Zombie.

Right off the bat, I can say that if you're a fan of slasher movies, the Halloween franchise, or Jamie Lee Curtis, this movie will be worth your time. Jamie Lee Curtis's portrayal of Laurie Strode after 40 years of mental torment is spot-on. Needless to say, Jamie Lee Curtis might be the most badass grandma in the history of cinema.

There are a few welcome callbacks to the original film, and a few callbacks that were kind of "eh", but I think it was for the best; not much really changes after 40 years, especially for a family wounded by a single deranged killer.

The actors and supporting cast are all good enough, and don't really overstay their welcome. And when they almost do, you can guess who'll be there to stop it.

The film does use a few jumpscares, but they can be forgiven somewhat, because that's the norm.

Overall, this is the best direction the film and series could have taken. I won't spoil the ending, but it leaves little to the imagination. I rate this film as a 7.5/10. It isn't as exciting as some of the other horror movies that are coming out, but the attention to detail and love for the original is what keeps this installment from being forgettable. It was certainly welcome.

My Final Thoughts: Please please please let this be the last one. Leave Halloween alone. At least for a while, please!

Monster Cereal Cocktails

Only 70's kids remember Fruity Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute!

It's October, the monster cereals are on the shelves, and you're an adult. Luckily, I have the perfect solution to your troubles to help relive your childhood without looking like a child by eating Count Chocula, Boo-Berry and Franken-Berry! Now you can feel like an alcoholic instead of a man-child! Just because I like you, here's three cocktails I've thought of to help get you in the spirit!

Count Chocoholic 

Basically, this is more or less a chocolate Grasshopper, jazzed up like the Count would want. Combine equal parts creme de cacao, marshmallow vodka (If you can find it. You can substitute some s'more liqueur if you want to be really classy) and cream. Shake well with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass. Top that off with a handfull of the cereal. 

Booze-Berry

This is my take on a White Russian, just... You know, with less class and more stupid. It's exactly like a White Russian, but instead of coffee liqueur, you use blueberry liqueur. Whether you stir it or not is up to you. But after all, didn't you like drinking that blue milk when you were done eating the cereal? Didn't it make you feel like Luke Skywalker?

Franken-Bomb

Okay. This is only for folks who are willing to fight someone at the drop of a hat. Basically, you can say that about any of the "bomb" cocktails. You ready? Okay.

You take a shot of strawberry liqueur with a marshmallow on top and drop it into a pub glass of milk. Make sure to chug it while trying to forget about when Count Chocola was portrayed as a live-action character. 

Please drink responsibly.

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Vern was tired of his crap.

Here's a quick one. I've got a headache.

There's a way to make horror movies for children, to make them funny, and to even make them charming. Ernest Scared Stupid almost seems to grasp at those concepts blindly by throwing in silly jokes and gags.

The last Ernest movie to be released in theaters (And you can see why), the movie stars Jim Varney as Ernest, of course, who has to defend his town against an evil troll. Sounds like the jokes write themselves, right? No. No they do not.

Cutaway gags with Ernest as other characters tend to drag on, and most other gags with Ernest tend to drag on as well. All the other Ernest movies didn't seem to have this problem, but this one does.

Despite Ernest being a bit of a tired character at this point, Eartha Kitt has a supporting role as a crazy lady who has knowledge of the trolls, playing a Dr. Loomis or a Van Helsing sort of character. Luckily, Eartha Kitt has an amazing performance in this movie, and has a bit of depth.

The child actors, I'd say are alright, but it almost seems like they're having too much fun with this movie, which can be a problem when they're supposed to be scared of the troll.

Speaking of the troll, the troll makeup and special effects are pretty good, but it's just a guy in a suit, nothing really special.

The final VERN-dict for this movie is a 6/10. If you're looking for a cheesy little movie to watch around Halloween with the kids, give this one a watch. It's not quite as trash as some people call it, but you won't get any enjoyment out of this movie watching it alone. Watch it with a good friend, have a few beers, and feel free to have fun with it.

Final Thoughts: This movie uses some leftover suits from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Maybe I should give that one a look.

Re-Animator (1985) Review (Spoiler-Free)

To my knowledge, H.P. Lovecraft hasn't really captured cinema the same way Poe or King have. And on another note, zombies are typically one-dimensional and bland as all hell, no matter how terrifying they might be. However, 1985's Re-Animator breaks the mold and sets the Lovecraft tone very well.

While only loosely based on the 1922 short story by Lovecraft, I'd say that there is no better film based on his work made by a major studio in existence, at least not yet. No, this film doesn't feature Cthulhu, but don't turn away just yet. Lovecraft created other characters besides him, of course.

The story follows Herbert West, a medical student who creates a serum that can bring the dead back to life. The serum works, but it certainly isn't perfect. The bodies brought back to life are insane monsters, a shell of who they once were.

Herbert is only motivated by his work, and stops at nothing to find test subjects, even if he has to kill them himself. What makes Herbert West a good character is his total lack of empathy. He is very much a more modern version of Victor Frankenstein. However, even Victor Frankenstein had empathy and knew when to stop with his creations. Herbert West is only motivated by discovery, but again, goes to horrible lengths to complete his research.

Between Herbert West and the zombies are our protagonists, Dan and Megan. Herbert is cruel and impatient to them, further showing his lack of humanity. Dan and Megan seem to be the only sane characters, and we see a good deal of the movie through their eyes, which is what makes it so horrifying to watch at some points.

However, what totally steals the show are the special effects. Some of them range from easy party tricks to Tom Savini levels of expertise and horror. I refuse to show you any of them, because it would do this movie a gigantic injustice. I know, the story is what's most important, but the zombie gore in this movie is only second to movies that include "Of the Dead" in their titles. 

If you'd like to see a amazing zombie movie with a good story, check this one out. Jack's Pile of Pages gives this an 8/10.

Final Thought: Don't worry, we'll get to Cthulhu soon.

The Predator (2018) Review (Spoilers)

Fatality

 

 

Here's a quick review of the latest Predator movie. The series has run the gamut from good to bad, serious to cheesy, in the jungle to the concrete jungle, and from Schwarzenegger to Glover. How does this one stack up? 

Pretty well, if you ask me. Granted, it's not as suspenseful as the original, it is funnier and way more violent than the original. And no, it's not a remake. Thankfully. And before you ask, I do consider this suitable for a Halloween/October review. If you think about it, Predators are just slasher movie villains from space. Not really scary, but very violent. 

Without spoiling anything, I will say that the film does tackle a few issues that you normally wouldn't think of when watching a movie like this, and it introduces a few ideas that are certainly welcomed, at least by me. 

In the film, one of the protagonists is an autistic child. I've seen autistic people portrayed in many different ways, from spastic, socially awkward nerds (Like in one of my most hated television shows of all time, The Big Bang Theory) to human supercomputers (Like in Rain Man). The Predator lands somewhere near the latter, with the kid being incredibly smart, and that actually plays a huge part in the movie. 

 

Thomas Jane and Keegan-Michael Key are in the movie, and after seeing Thomas Jane play the Punisher, it was exciting to see him. Luckily, the two don't spend two minutes in the movie just for marquee value, like Bryan Cranston in Godzilla (2014). 

SPOILER ALERT

The reason why the Predator species take human spines and skulls as trophies is for DNA and spinal fluid. In some sort of eugenics program, Predators are taking DNA from the Earth's greatest subjects, and genetically splicing themselves with it to create stronger and smarter hunters. 

This ends up with the humans fighting a "Super Predator" and having an epic fight. Truly, humans have never fought something this badass in the entire Predator series. 

END OF SPOILERS

This one has a lot of action and humor, certainly more than the others. In fact, if you ask me, the film sometimes feels like it focuses too much on the action scenes and humor. Whenever the dialogue dragged on, when there wasn't a Predator or people dying on screen, it just made me wish for more Predator action. 

Not to say there isn't a complex story going on, though. There are elements of man vs society, man vs beast and even man vs self.

I won't ruin any of the jokes, but I can't call the jokes clever. They're more like jokes you'd find in an adult comedy starting Seth Rogen. However, some jokes and callbacks to the original fall flat, and feel forced. "Get to the choppers" was an especially dumb one. 

Oh, and at the end, it sets itself up for a sequel so hard, it kinda hurts. It's so stupid, but I guess it's also kinda cool what's revealed at the end.

My only other complaint with the movie is the title. Did "Predator: Evolution" get shot down? That would've been a way better title! The Predator makes it sound like a remake of the original, which I think may hurt it in the long run. 

Overall, this was a very enjoyable movie that I'd certainly see again. To get the most enjoyment out of this movie, see it with friends. I give it a 7.5/10. 

Final Thought: I wanted to laugh at the idea of an autistic Predator, but against all odds, I didn't think about it too much. I'm also a little bit of a liar.

Son of So I Went to Party City

You know, it might get harder and harder every year to find funny, unique things. Next year, it might not even be Party City. At least going there is free. Let's see what I found.

Buuuut my camera screwed up. Apparently, Blogger doesn't like photos from my IPhone. I'm sure they've worked before, but apparently, it doesn't like it. So the high-quality photos I took are useless. So, we're going to do something different. We're going to take the fight to Party City's website and scavenge for stuff to laugh at.

This is a glow-in-the-dark candy bucket. Frankly, we never used buckets. We could afford them, mind you, we just didn't use them. A pillow case and a van are all you need. A glow-in-the-dark bucket just confirms that you've got weak wrists to everyone outside.

If I haven't made this joke already, I'll make it now. This is called the "Supreme Elsa Costume". When I actually went to Party City, I saw that it was on clearance for ten dollars. "ELSA SUPREME! ELSA DISNEY CASHCOW! ELSA ON CLEARANCE"

Now this is a decoration you get if you want to be a dick to somebody. This is known as a "Pumpkin Screamer". When the lights go on, this thing screams. Imagine, if you will, hiding this small pumpkin behind something in your grandma's kitchen. Now imagine that she doesn't know you put it there. If you found pleasure in that thought, you might be powerfully insane.

Thanks. Now I'm not going to drink at your party, Tom. I knew I smelled something wrong, and I'm pretty sure absinthe isn't supposed to be blue, like Tide.

Now this is realistic and evil. It's the "Peeping Tom", the most realistic and common of monsters. Seriously, this is really creepy. It's strange to consider the scariest monster can be a normal human being. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!

If you wear this shirt, you're asking to get punched by a drunk person.

Ah! Scary!

Well, screw you too. I drink the boos to forget that I'll never own a house.

Pipe or Electric? I know a church that has an old one they don't need.

This was listed as a "Friendly prop". If looking malformed and creepy is considered friendly, consider me Mr. Rodgers.

I'm guessing if you've ever worn this costume, there's a 4 in 5 chance you haven't seen Scream. Also, if you haven't, watch Scream.

Public Domain Horror Movie Reccomendations III

It's back, and better than ever.

That time of year again, folks. Another October, and another Halloween. Time for more links to public domain horror movies, that'll surely be broken in no time because YouTube doesn't understand how the public domain and copyright laws work. I'll need to fix the links from the previous installments, but while we're here, let's enjoy some movies you can (LEGALLY) watch for free. Also, I must note that there are a lot of silent public domain movies. This year, I'll only keep it to one silent movie, and I'll save it for the end so you don't lose your interest, like, right away. Let's begin.

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

Made in 1958, and the first Mexican production in this series, this one shows that America doesn't hold the entire pie when it comes to campy cult movies. Without even watching the movie, and with some basic knowledge of Mesoamerican cultures, you'd know at least one thing. The Aztecs didn't mummify their dead, and they certainly didn't have hieroglyphics. That would be the Egyptians, Guillermo Calderón. The Aztecs lived in Mexico, and this is a Mexican production. That would be like if I made a movie called The Pilgrims Fight the Loch Ness Monster.

I should also note that this is the third in a series of Aztec mummy movies, but strangely, it's the most famous, thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000. The entire trilogy was shot in 1957, and it shows.

The whole movie, and even the MST3K episode are available online on YouTube for free, so you can watch a movie made in Mexico slightly older than my dad.

The Terror

This one's a gigantic doozy. Rodger Corman had just filmed 1963's The Raven. Filming was done 3 days ahead of schedule, so rather than send everyone home, Corman paid a dude to write a script, they shot some footage with Boris Karloff, sent him home, and filmed an entire story around that footage. The result is a goddamn mess, and the project was tossed around several directors, including Francis Ford Coppola and Jack Nicholson, before they were even famous. 

I won't tell you anything about the plot, mainly because I don't hate myself enough to comprehend this dumpster fire of a movie.

According to Boris Karloff: 

"Corman had the sketchiest outline of a story. I read it and begged him not to do it. He said "That's alright Boris, I know what I'm going to do. I want you for two days on this." I was in every shot, of course. Sometimes I was just walking through and then I would change my jacket and walk back. He nearly killed me on the last day. He had me in a tank of cold water for about two hours. After he got me in the can he suspended operations and went off and directed two or three operations to get the money, I suppose... [The sets] were so magnificent... As they were being pulled down around our ears, Roger was dashing around with me and a camera, two steps ahead of the wreckers. It was very funny."

 

Attack of the Giant Leeches

See my entry on The Killer Shrews, or watch The Killer Shrews. Then replace the word "Shrew" with "Leech". Screaming. Radiation. Leeches. Possibly an insult to your intelligence. Watch it anyway. 

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror

Folks, in no way do I support piracy or theft, but I'd like to tell you a story. This was an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula, one of my favorite books of all time. Even though several measures were taken, Stoker's estate and heirs had a court order the destruction of all copies of this film. 

This wonderfully shot, beautifully made film was only saved due to piracy, in a time when film preservation wasn't taken seriously. Had it not been for these early preservers of film (or pirates, as they would be known) this movie would be forever lost to time. If anything, Nosferatu boils the book down to about 80 minutes without long strings of boring dialogue. And remember: If you don't watch it, Nosferatu will mess with the lights. 

See? You made him happy.

 

Dead Stinky Fish

I'm probably not going to remember this correctly. I remember when a friend and his dad were over for dinner. Someone (I can't remember who) brought over some pickled fish. My friend's dad (I think) paid me five dollars to have a piece. Being the stupid idiot kid I was back then - and still sort of am - I accepted and nearly threw up. Everyone laughed. I didn't. Despite this, I haven't stopped taking various dares.

Oh, and I wasn't always paid. Granted, I expected to be paid. Someone dared me and offered me 5 smackaroos for snorting crushed-up Doritos. Their initial response to my request of the sum total of five dollars for something they dared me to was: "I didn't know you would do it". A deal's a deal. I expect compensation. According to the CPI Inflation Calculator, adjusting for inflation, that $5.00 you owed me in 2009 is now worth $5.94. I probably won't see a result from this plea, but whatever. Where was I? Oh yeah.

Fish stink. Period. End of thought. It seems like no matter how you prepare fish, it ends up smelling like... Fish. Many factors play into this, but I'm sure if you live by the coast or near a lake-y part of the country - and I know I do - then you don't really notice it at first. But after remembering how awful pickled fish tastes, I remembered: "Oh yeah, fish are stinky".

People have been eating fish for a long, long time. People have been preserving meat for a long, long time. I myself have started to take up pickling, and I understand the reason why people would want to preserve meat. But after looking up certain ways fish are preserved and prepared, it makes one wonder "What in the actual 666 layers of the demonic Abyss were these people thinking?". I have provided three mouth-drying, unsavory examples of dead, stinky, pickled fish as food for thought, rather than actual food.

Before I continue, I'd like to point out that I try to find photos that are not copyrighted. If you look these up on Wikipedia, it's likely you'll find these pictures. I am not sponsored in any way, nor do I mean to take credit for copyrighted work. What I'm trying to say is: Please don't sue me for this stupid blog. I do this for fun, not for a living. After looking for some journalism jobs, I've realized that the field is not for me, but I will continue to write. This blog, as it exists, will never be monetized and will always be advertisement-free.

One more warning, a few of the videos shown here contain vomiting. You have been warned. Enjoy!

Lutefisk

 

Now, I'm going to get a lot of flak for this, being from Minnesota. I don't care. Try rioting by throwing that toxic crap at my house and see what happens. Do that while reading some Ole and Lena jokes, watching the Gopher game and shoveling a driveway. I dare you. 

To start the preparation of Lutefisk, the fish (Commonly cod) are dried on these racks, just simply known as drying racks. 

Not everything has a cool name. If I were to give them a name, I'd call them "The places where nightmares start".

Literally meaning "Lye Fish", Lutefisk is just that. The dried fish is treated with caustic lye and soaked in water for almost a week. Now, I don't want to make your favorite food sound awful, but it is. This process decreases the protein in the fish by half, and therefore, breaks it down, making it swell, and giving it a jelly-like consistency. That sounds completely nasty.

Both the Swedish and the Norwegians claim to have invented it, but why they'd want to is beyond me. Far beyond me. So far beyond me, the concept is in space spraying graffiti on the Voyager-1. According to the Smithsonian Magazine: "A legend has it that Viking fishermen hung their cod to dry on tall birch racks. When some neighboring Vikings attacked, they burned the racks of fish, but a rainstorm blew in from the North Sea, dousing the fire. The remaining fish soaked in a puddle of rainwater and birch ash for months before some hungry Vikings discovered the cod, reconstituted it and had a feast. Another story tells of St. Patrick's attempt to poison Viking raiders in Ireland with the lye-soaked fish. But rather than kill them, the Vikings relished the fish and declared it a delicacy. It makes for a great story if you don’t mind the fact that Patrick lived centuries before the Vikings attacked Ireland."

Really, the invention of Lutefisk can be applied to any origin of salted meat. Preservation for long, miserable winters. Damn, those winters must have been miserable.  

Allow the brilliant scientists and researchers at Wreckless Eating to explain. Skip to about 11:29, or watch the full episode if you want to see them suffer a bit more. Your call.

 Hakarl 

Hakarl, as I've been told, is much worse. 

"How worse, Jack?" 

Worse.

Photo by Chris 73 from Wikipedia. Please don't sue me.

Simply put, this is rotting shark. Greenland or Sleeper Shark is fermented, hung like this, and left to dry for FIVE GOD DAMNED MONTHS before serving. The flavor has been described as "Ammonia and fish". 

So, the thing that makes your pee smell awful, and fish, which usually smells awful. That won't taste good on a cracker.  

According to Wikipedia: "The traditional method is by gutting and beheading a Greenland or sleeper shark and placing it in a shallow hole dug in gravelly sand, with the now cleaned cavity resting on a small mound of sand. The shark is then covered with sand and gravel, and stones are placed on top of the sand in order to press the shark. In this way the fluids are pressed out of the body. The shark ferments in this fashion for 6–12 weeks depending on the season. Following this curing period, the shark is then cut into strips and hung to dry for several months. During this drying period a brown crust will develop, which is removed prior to cutting the shark into small pieces and serving."

I don't want to know the origins of this dish, and I feel sorry and at the same time hate whoever created it. 

Chris Wreckless and Matt Zion are researchers, don't try this at home. Skip to about 7:21 to see the Hakarl.

You heard Matt. "Described as one of the worst things on the entire planet." Don't eat Hakarl, folks. 

Surströmming

 I'm not even going to attempt to learn how to type the umlaut, so I'm just gonna leave it at "Surstromming".

Similar to the Hakarl, this is just rotten fish. Just enough salt is used to prevent the Baltic Herring from rotting. I'm sure they had it down to a science. Left to ferment for at least six months, and for at most way too long, a Japanese article has described it as "Awful". This is coming from the people who really like their raw fish in sticky rice.

 

Surstromming smells so bad, it is commonly only eaten outdoors. Now, listen to me... If something is so bad, you wouldn't eat it indoors, don't eat it, you idiot.

It has faced several legal challenges, and has even been banned in airplanes, due to the cans potentially exploding and letting out the smell of a dead fish's ass. As always, Wreckless Eating is on the case. 11:02 is "Surstromming Time". Enjoy watching their suffering.

Feel hungry? You shouldn't.