An Ode to 2016

Everyone's saying 2016 has been a hell of a year, for one of two reasons.

1. Trump
2. Dead Celebrities

About #1

I was afraid of having to bring this up again. This year's election was the biggest example of voting for the lesser of two evils, when the two evils are just as evil and you're afraid to pick the lesser. Is Trump a racist sleazebag? Perhaps. Did he win the popular vote? No, he did not. Does that mean anything? Not in the least. As much as some people hate to admit it, he won fair and square, all things considered.

The thing is, the United States isn't a true democracy. Had it been a true democracy, Hillary would have won due to the popular vote. But there's a catch here. That means there would be no Super Delegates. And without those Super Delegates, and had the popular vote mattered in the Democratic Primaries, Hillary could have still won, but the results would have been much closer.

This is not the only time where the popular vote lost. John Quincy Adams in 1824, Rutherford B. Hayes in 1876, Benjamin Harrison in 1888, and Bush #2 in 2000. This is nothing new. In fact, according to political journalist, Sean Trende, John F. Kennedy may have lost the popular vote. This source is a bit ambiguous, but it just goes to show you that popular vote doesn't mean anything in this country.

CNN, MSNBC, and even the DNC itself were all exposed thanks to Wikileaks. They were all being paid by the Clinton Foundation. This is why you didn't hear diddly squat about Bernie during the primary season. Why? Hillary paid the DNC and the mainstream media to undermine Bernie. That isn't a Democracy. Like I said to myself during election night: If Hillary is going to fail the democratic process, then the democratic process is going to fail her.

I'm certain she would have made a great president, but the thing is... She's crooked, and she cheated. In my opinion, she lost due to those Wikileaks reports, not due to racism and bigotry. Is Trump a racist, sexist xenophobe? That's a very popular opinion of him that I'm inclined to believe. Did he cheat? No, he did not. Welcome to the age of information, Hillary.

And to the people who didn't vote during the election, I have this to say: Your vote matters. If you don't like who's in office, and if you're sick and tired of only having a choice between two parties, please vote for someone other than Red or Blue. Votes matter. Or at least, they should matter. And if you're mad that Trump won, and you didn't vote: This is partially your fault. I didn't vote for him, but now that he's gonna be our president for the next four years, understand that there's little to nothing we can do about taking him out of the office, aside from waiting another four years and hoping another candidate steps up to oppose him.

And if you're thinking of assassinating him, free tip: President Pence would be way worse.

About #2

People die every day. Yes, we lost a lot of great people this year, but that doesn't change the fact that people die. Every year, more people are born, and every year, more people die. There's nothing more to it than that. I guarantee you, more people will die next year, then the year after that, and the year after that. Rule of thumb: If more people die during a year, there's bound to be a few celebrities among them. That's all I have for that.

Christmas 2016

Getting up at 7:30AM isn't normal, but on Christmas, it is

Normally, I don't go to church, but on Christmas, I do

Normally, car rides are a pain in the butt, but on Christmas, they ain't

And normally, I don't pay attention at mass, but on Christmas, I do.

The car ride back is usually a hassle, but on Christmas, it isn't

I usually sleep past 9:00AM, but on Christmas, I don't

I don't sit down, normally, with my family for breakfast

I usually have milk, but I guess I didn't, did I?

I don't like getting socks, but on Christmas, I do

I don't like getting underwear, but on Christmas, I do

I don't like getting clothes, but on Christmas, I do

Because they're from people who want me to have socks and underwear. Hooray.

Kindness is a like a hex, a fever, perhaps a curse,

but on Christmas, that isn't the case

It may rain, it may snow, but unless you're alone,

Christmas is still Christmas, and Hallmark's still making movies.

Public Domain Christmas Movie Recommendations

As we creep closer to the birth of the almighty JC, here's a lazy post about some public domain Christmas movies that I found online. You can watch these for free, as nobody technically owns them anymore. And since nobody owns them, I can't get sued for showing these to you! Hooray for the public domain, am I right?

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1948)

Make no mistake. This is not the claymated Rankin-Bass version everybody knows. This predates it by almost two decades. It's much shorter, running only about nine minutes. It's neat to see a version of a story that was made before the one you know and love. Speaking of a Christmas story that's been told about a dozen times...

Scrooge (1935)

If you ask me, the classic story of A Christmas Carol is often remade because of how great it is. Seriously, in terms of a story about how being good can impact everyone. Unfortunately, It's a Wonderful Life won't be on this list. The funny thing is, it used to be in the public domain, but hey, it's not like the movie tells us that money makes you a greedy jerk, does it?

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

Do you like cheesy sci-fi movies? Do you have an hour and a half to kill? Do you hate your brain cells? Then this is the movie for you. 

Miracle on 34th Street (1955)

This was made for TV, and it's less than an hour long. However, it is the same story as the famous 1947 and 1994 versions. 

Citizen Cane

I was going to write about my favorite Christmas candies. I was going to write it for you.

Then I realized there were little to pick from, I didn't know what to do.

I scoured the web, from Yahoo to Google,

And with little time left, my problem was two-fold.

There are like, NO Christmas candies. I was thinking of making a list, but there is no list to be made. I tried, people. I tried. I didn't try very hard, but hey, I tried. So, I have no other alternative subjects when it comes to Christmas candies other than the almighty minty, curved goodness of the candy cane. Rhyming is optional, I'm not getting paid to rhyme, and I'm not getting paid in general. 

It's shaped like a cane, or is it a J?

Why is it that color, why is it that way?

Like most good things, this comes from Germany. You've got to admire the Germans, they always make good stuff. According to folklore (Again, like most things) it was developed made created by a Colognian choirmaster for the children. I'm guessing he told the candy maker "Hey, I need to shut these kids up, but I want it to be quasi-religious" 

As it was around Christmas time, the children were singing and learning about the nativity. Shepherd carry canes, and there was one of those in the nativity scene, right? Boom. The candy cane was born. Ironically, created around Christmas, almost immaculately, and it's about the only thing people can think about during the Christmas party. Ain't I just the worst?

A little while after, the recipe for a red and white hard candy was published, and it was then curved like a cane. Hence, the candy cane. You can tell by the way it's made of candy and shaped like a cane. Unsurprisingly, the only two main ingredients are sugar and peppermint. 

That slogan can only work with candy and nothing else. Don't even think about what I mean about "Nothing Else" You'll end up on Santa's naughty list, and even worse, on an FBI watchlist. To be honest, I can't tell which one is worse.

Amy Beth Carter

Amy Beth Carter was a girl I used to know
Back in the old days, we were just kids
Curious about how she felt, I asked her out
Didn’t take long for things to kick off
Everything seemed so easy
For a while, at least
Gorgeous, she was simply gorgeous
Hair, sleek and shiny
I’s, a beautiful blue
Just the two of us, that’s all I ever wanted
Kristine Louise Martha, her cousin, was also very pretty
Luckily, Amy didn’t notice for a while
Much to my surprise, Amy eventually found out
“No! I can’t take it!” she screamed
“Oh, Amy! We-“I retorted, scared about what she would do
“Push off! I never want to see you again” She yelled
Quietly, I left, dragging my feet
Right after that, Amy moved
So, that’s how it went
Tomorrow marks our tenth year anniversary, or at least, it would be
Understand, that I haven’t seen anyone since
Vexing, that’s a good word for love
Why does it have to be so complicated?
Xavier, you need to learn how to let go of things like this
Yes, I would, if it wasn’t so difficult
Zoned out, flushed out, and out of luck.

Wacky, Weird Weapons From History

This shouldn't be a surprise, but to be honest, every civilization, every government, and every military has relied on weapons to forge their identities and their places in history. With all of the debate about gun control and such, it's no wonder that weapons (Firearms in particular) have come under scrutiny for being weapons of mass death and destruction.

Now, before I get any backlash, I'd just like to tell you my stance on gun control. Or rather, my lack of one. I don't have an opinion about how guns should be dealt with. On one hand, they're capable of hurting and killing innocent people, they're too easy to find and too easy to be placed into the hands of terrible people. On the other hand, a weapon is simply a tool. A tool can do nothing unless placed in the hands of someone who knows how to use it. Yes, terrible people can use guns, but it's worth mentioning that the history of the United States was christened by gunfire, and that's at least worth mentioning.

With all of this said and done, let's throw all the arguing out the window. While guns (and weapons) have carved their way through history like a KA-BAR knife through butter, it's worth mentioning that not all weapons are created equal. It does depend on the person wielding them, but when you consider what the person is wielding, it wouldn't hurt to examine the person, too. You get what I'm saying? Of course you do. I looked at Reddit for about ten minutes to find what I needed for this blog. I'm smart!

I've got a face you can trust! #afaceyoucantrust

Let's start off with something simple:

Insert ancient meme about x being in x, making x^2

Yes. This is a revolver. A double revolver, to be more exact. It's a revolver within a revolver. This was made by Joseph Enouy in 1855. From what little information I could gather, there are only one of these things in existence, which is both sad, but relieving.

You can understand why this came to be, if you're anything like me and love history. You see, back in 1855, there were no automatic pistols, no machine guns, nothing you'd recognize. Before the days of the self-contained round (Which came with the bullet, primer, and powder all in one neat package) you had to load each bullet in with the powder, pack it down a tube, try and make a spark, and pray to whatever you found holy that the thing wouldn't blow up in your face.

Rapid fire wasn't really a thing either. If you wanted to shoot faster, you'd either have multiple barrels, or just make the thingy that holds the bullets spin. This is where the revolver comes in. Then, one day, and Englishman named Joseph Enouy said "Let's take the whole thing that spins... And we make it spin".

Ridiculous concept aside, imagine carrying this. In one hand, no less. Comparing it to the Colt 1851 Navy, I'm gonna estimate that this thing weighs about... I'm gonna be nice and say about eight pounds. That's being conservative, if you ask me. That's about the weight of a rifle, and you're carrying this thing in one hand. It's too chunky and too heavy to defend yourself with, and no respected soldier would go into battle with this. It probably makes a neat paperweight, though. Imagine John Wayne trying to carry this thing in a movie set. He'd probably beg the director for something lighter, and punch the writer in the face, pilgrim.

Remember what I told you about multiple barrels?

This is Napoleon's pocket pistol. He carried it for self-defense. You'd think a guy like Napoleon Bonaparte would be a little less humble when it comes to defending himself. I imagine he'd rather have the previous weapon on this list. Hell, he'd probably run into battle with it, making gun noises. While the old joke about Napoleon being short is historically inaccurate, his massive ego was nothing to be sneezed at. Or shot at. Or exiled at. You can tell that he wanted to protect himself. Tangent: Can the President carry a gun to defend himself?

I imagine Trump would carry a gun. Like, something over-the-top. (Not unlike what Napoleon would have wanted) An American-made, over-the-top, double-barreled pistol, or something. Luckily, that's something of a myth-

Run for the hills, hippies!

Yeah, I know, I've been talking about guns a lot in this blog. Maybe I could balance it out a bit?

Can I get one in a smaller size?

A long time ago, in the 16th century, there was a man named Pier Gerlofs Donia, a Frisian pirate and all-around butt-kicker. This dude was a farmer. He then got tired of being a farmer, then decided to rebel. He was known for being large, strong, and in charge. The result? This sword was crafted to better suit him. As far as I can tell, this is the largest sword ever used in battle. The blade itself is five feet long, and the whole thing weighs about 15 pounds. That's remarkable, even for swords of this category, called "Greatswords". They are great swords, but they're also greatswords. You get what I mean. 

To be honest, Frisia isn't that large... Or populated... Or really... Much of anything. (Sorry to all Frisians out there. All twelve of you.) So it makes one wonder why one needed a sword that large. One swing, and half of the population of Frisia is now on the ground, split in half. It must have been a small rebellion, but again, what do I know?

Thankfully, there are so many wacky, weird weapons from history, that this blog post is bound to have sequels. More imaginary internet money for me!

Double-Barreled M1911 photo published by Guns and Ammo

All other pictures are from Wikipedia and are public domain, no rights reserved.

Buster Brown, a Terrifying Mascot

In my Communications History class, we spent a good amount of time talking about the history of newspapers, publishing, and generally, how important print as a whole changed the world. It was thanks to the development of department stores, such as Sears, that did away with bartering, long-distance travel for resources, and best of all, the advertising made it clear where they were, what was on sale, and when it was open. Truly, capitalism and the written word were joined in marriage. And then they made Buster Brown. Brace yourselves, mortals. For ye not know what you've brought yourselves to. 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Buster Brown.

I know this doesn't look like much, but there's a lot to this story. Named after Buster Keaton (Think Charlie Chaplin without the Hitler mustache) and based on some kid (Seriously, there's nothing else I could find about the kid), Buster Brown was the mascot for the Brown Shoe company, now known as Caleres, for some reason. 

Yes, pink was a boy's color back then, and yes, that hairstyle makes him look like a girl. At the risk of sounding misogynistic and transphobic (You can thank the media for that) that's not the reason why Buster Brown is now the new subject of my nightmares. Had he been wearing a leather jacket and sporting a comb-over, I'd still fear him. Are you sitting down?

When I clicked on this image, the face got bigger. 

Yes. This... Thing was a mascot. If you've ever heard of the uncanny valley... Ignore this next part. 

You know how weird it was to see how semi-real the characters were in that Tintin movie they made a while back? It's because your brain recognizes that it looks human, but through certain features, it looks wrong. It's unfamiliar. It looks human, but it isn't. When your brain perceives something like that, fight-or-flight sort of takes over, which is a good thing. Because if I saw Buster Brown in real life, I think I'd vomit out my own heart in terror. 

God, why?

That's not a dog, and that's not a kid. That's a guy in a dog costume, and a dwarf in a Buster Brown costume. You see, Buster Brown was a popular character back then. He had his own comic strip:

We'll just sacrifice the child to Tzeentch, mother. Then all will be right.

Which then blossomed into other terrifying forms of media. Such as this heart-wrenchingly horrifying Valentine's Day card. 

What, the bucket of blood, your alliance with a god of chaos, or the fact that you're the world's only talking dog?

Brown Shoes would hire dwarf actors, pick up a dog from the pound, and have "Meet-and-Greets" near department stores. Think Disney World. Only... Creepier. All to peddle shoes, which I thought I could turn into some moral, but to be honest, nothing's coming to me. But I guess it's worth a try.

Kids, don't make mascots your heroes. Especially dead-eyed children in old clothing with a talking dog. Those aren't heroes. Heroes are... Well, the opposite of dead-eyed children in old clothing with  talking dog. Stay in school, don't do drugs, and for the love of GOD, don't come to my house dressed as Buster Brown.  

Uncanny Valley image taken from Wikipedia, based on a graph by Masahiro Mori and Karl MacDorman, all other images are in the public domain and are subject to fair use, all rights reserved.

Civilization VI Mod Idea: Minnesota Civilization

I loved Sid Meier's Civilization V so much. To me, the Civilization series is THE 4X strategy game above all other 4X strategy games. (4X, of course meaning Explore, Expand, Exploit and Exterminate) At the risk of repeating much better critics than myself, not many games can turn an early morning into a late night than the Civilization franchise. So, why am I talking about it right now instead of something Christmasy? Well, hold onto your red Starbucks(tm) cup and allow me to explain.

In Civilization, you pick from a number of different historical leaders and lead a civilization (funny, isn't it?) from circa 4000 BC to the space age. Players can play in many different ways, being a religion-driven Russia led by Catherine the Great, or a power-hungry, nuke-happy India led by Gandhi.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of whoever has access to the Manhattan Project, motherf%$kers!

Okay, NOW I've lost you all. A thousand apologies. It's very difficult to not talk about politics and dictators while talking about a game where politics and dictators are the norm. The point I'm failing to get at here is that in more recent Civilization games, players who are smart and talented enough can program new things and put them into the game. These are called "Mods", and are fairly popular. With Civilization VI just being released, I had an idea: What if we could have Minnesota, my home state, as a playable civilization?

My God, I'm proud to live in this state!

Now, in the context of a Civilization game, Minnesota is going to need a leader. While a celebrity such as Bob Dylan or Prince would be the obvious choice, we're looking for political leaders. In this sense, I nominate Hubert Humphrey as our glorious leader.

A quick little history lesson for the less-informed: Hubert Humphrey was the 38th Vice President of the United States, serving under Lyndon Johnson. While he lost the 1968 election to Nixon, he is most fondly remembered for representing Minnesota for two terms in the senate. While the man himself was born in South Dakota, he's considered an honorary Minnesotan. Hell, the Metrodome was named after him. That's not nothing. Sheesh, now I miss the Metrodome.

Anyway, Minnesota's special ability will be "Land of 10,000 Lakes". This ability gives Minnesota extra culture and production points when a city is founded near a lake. This also allows Minnesota to expand faster when around lakes.

For the unique unit, I've decided on a Dakota tribe scout. Simply put, this is like a typical scouting unit, but unlike other scouts, which can't fight to save their lives, these units can move far, fast, and can actually fight against barbarians if needed.

And finally, for the unique building, I've decided that a cabin would be nice enough. It can only be built near a forest or a lake, but it provides extra housing, and replaces the neighborhood. It'll also be available earlier.

So there you have it. This is what I think about all the time instead of doing schoolwork. See you all next time.

Two Air is Human: An Exercise in Homonyms

There was a sale on sails, I could get one for my craft.

I'll walk down the aisle and sail to an isle, at least it's not a raft.

I said to the sheep running the shop, "I want to get two of those, too"

"You know I've got two ewes to feed, would you buy a nice paddle made of yew?"

I said "I'm just a buyer, don't you belong in a byre?" I told the sheep that day

I said "I might as well buy and say bye" and I was on my way.

Well I done crashed through a pane of glass, and boy was I in pain,

It was such a scene, and I was seen in a bit of trouble again.

So then a seven toed toad hopped up and said "Sir, do you need your boat towed?"

So I said "Yes, can you drop me off at the river?" and we rode down the road.

"Say there sonny, it looks quite sunny"   

"You're driving too fast in your car!"

"Well, I got one eye on the road"

"Look, there's a cop! Are you even thinking about our safety?"

"That's not a state trooper, he's just a plain ol' trouper!"

"Dear heavens! You almost hit a buck and sent it deer heaven!"

"Say, is that hair dye?"

"I think we're gonna die!"

So that toad nearly earned us a couple of urns, I mean, he was a toad

But he would be missed as he drove into the mist, and back onto the road.

I started to whistle a tune from some famous 'toon about boats and mouse

I may sound like I'm rapping, but really I'm just wrapping up this story, and I sailed to my house.

I prayed dearly to the sky, so that I wouldn't be preyed upon by a hungry crocodile,

I then thought, "I'll just give him a flower, ask him for a cup of flour" and we'd be pals for a while.

Now I have told you a story, but I've halved the story, as it could go on for a while.

But I'll be back in a while, walkin' down the aisle, and I'll tell you another tale in this goofy style.