Amy Beth Carter

Amy Beth Carter was a girl I used to know
Back in the old days, we were just kids
Curious about how she felt, I asked her out
Didn’t take long for things to kick off
Everything seemed so easy
For a while, at least
Gorgeous, she was simply gorgeous
Hair, sleek and shiny
I’s, a beautiful blue
Just the two of us, that’s all I ever wanted
Kristine Louise Martha, her cousin, was also very pretty
Luckily, Amy didn’t notice for a while
Much to my surprise, Amy eventually found out
“No! I can’t take it!” she screamed
“Oh, Amy! We-“I retorted, scared about what she would do
“Push off! I never want to see you again” She yelled
Quietly, I left, dragging my feet
Right after that, Amy moved
So, that’s how it went
Tomorrow marks our tenth year anniversary, or at least, it would be
Understand, that I haven’t seen anyone since
Vexing, that’s a good word for love
Why does it have to be so complicated?
Xavier, you need to learn how to let go of things like this
Yes, I would, if it wasn’t so difficult
Zoned out, flushed out, and out of luck.

Wacky, Weird Weapons From History

This shouldn't be a surprise, but to be honest, every civilization, every government, and every military has relied on weapons to forge their identities and their places in history. With all of the debate about gun control and such, it's no wonder that weapons (Firearms in particular) have come under scrutiny for being weapons of mass death and destruction.

Now, before I get any backlash, I'd just like to tell you my stance on gun control. Or rather, my lack of one. I don't have an opinion about how guns should be dealt with. On one hand, they're capable of hurting and killing innocent people, they're too easy to find and too easy to be placed into the hands of terrible people. On the other hand, a weapon is simply a tool. A tool can do nothing unless placed in the hands of someone who knows how to use it. Yes, terrible people can use guns, but it's worth mentioning that the history of the United States was christened by gunfire, and that's at least worth mentioning.

With all of this said and done, let's throw all the arguing out the window. While guns (and weapons) have carved their way through history like a KA-BAR knife through butter, it's worth mentioning that not all weapons are created equal. It does depend on the person wielding them, but when you consider what the person is wielding, it wouldn't hurt to examine the person, too. You get what I'm saying? Of course you do. I looked at Reddit for about ten minutes to find what I needed for this blog. I'm smart!

I've got a face you can trust! #afaceyoucantrust

Let's start off with something simple:

Insert ancient meme about x being in x, making x^2

Yes. This is a revolver. A double revolver, to be more exact. It's a revolver within a revolver. This was made by Joseph Enouy in 1855. From what little information I could gather, there are only one of these things in existence, which is both sad, but relieving.

You can understand why this came to be, if you're anything like me and love history. You see, back in 1855, there were no automatic pistols, no machine guns, nothing you'd recognize. Before the days of the self-contained round (Which came with the bullet, primer, and powder all in one neat package) you had to load each bullet in with the powder, pack it down a tube, try and make a spark, and pray to whatever you found holy that the thing wouldn't blow up in your face.

Rapid fire wasn't really a thing either. If you wanted to shoot faster, you'd either have multiple barrels, or just make the thingy that holds the bullets spin. This is where the revolver comes in. Then, one day, and Englishman named Joseph Enouy said "Let's take the whole thing that spins... And we make it spin".

Ridiculous concept aside, imagine carrying this. In one hand, no less. Comparing it to the Colt 1851 Navy, I'm gonna estimate that this thing weighs about... I'm gonna be nice and say about eight pounds. That's being conservative, if you ask me. That's about the weight of a rifle, and you're carrying this thing in one hand. It's too chunky and too heavy to defend yourself with, and no respected soldier would go into battle with this. It probably makes a neat paperweight, though. Imagine John Wayne trying to carry this thing in a movie set. He'd probably beg the director for something lighter, and punch the writer in the face, pilgrim.

Remember what I told you about multiple barrels?

This is Napoleon's pocket pistol. He carried it for self-defense. You'd think a guy like Napoleon Bonaparte would be a little less humble when it comes to defending himself. I imagine he'd rather have the previous weapon on this list. Hell, he'd probably run into battle with it, making gun noises. While the old joke about Napoleon being short is historically inaccurate, his massive ego was nothing to be sneezed at. Or shot at. Or exiled at. You can tell that he wanted to protect himself. Tangent: Can the President carry a gun to defend himself?

I imagine Trump would carry a gun. Like, something over-the-top. (Not unlike what Napoleon would have wanted) An American-made, over-the-top, double-barreled pistol, or something. Luckily, that's something of a myth-

Run for the hills, hippies!

Yeah, I know, I've been talking about guns a lot in this blog. Maybe I could balance it out a bit?

Can I get one in a smaller size?

A long time ago, in the 16th century, there was a man named Pier Gerlofs Donia, a Frisian pirate and all-around butt-kicker. This dude was a farmer. He then got tired of being a farmer, then decided to rebel. He was known for being large, strong, and in charge. The result? This sword was crafted to better suit him. As far as I can tell, this is the largest sword ever used in battle. The blade itself is five feet long, and the whole thing weighs about 15 pounds. That's remarkable, even for swords of this category, called "Greatswords". They are great swords, but they're also greatswords. You get what I mean. 

To be honest, Frisia isn't that large... Or populated... Or really... Much of anything. (Sorry to all Frisians out there. All twelve of you.) So it makes one wonder why one needed a sword that large. One swing, and half of the population of Frisia is now on the ground, split in half. It must have been a small rebellion, but again, what do I know?

Thankfully, there are so many wacky, weird weapons from history, that this blog post is bound to have sequels. More imaginary internet money for me!

Double-Barreled M1911 photo published by Guns and Ammo

All other pictures are from Wikipedia and are public domain, no rights reserved.

Buster Brown, a Terrifying Mascot

In my Communications History class, we spent a good amount of time talking about the history of newspapers, publishing, and generally, how important print as a whole changed the world. It was thanks to the development of department stores, such as Sears, that did away with bartering, long-distance travel for resources, and best of all, the advertising made it clear where they were, what was on sale, and when it was open. Truly, capitalism and the written word were joined in marriage. And then they made Buster Brown. Brace yourselves, mortals. For ye not know what you've brought yourselves to. 

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Buster Brown.

I know this doesn't look like much, but there's a lot to this story. Named after Buster Keaton (Think Charlie Chaplin without the Hitler mustache) and based on some kid (Seriously, there's nothing else I could find about the kid), Buster Brown was the mascot for the Brown Shoe company, now known as Caleres, for some reason. 

Yes, pink was a boy's color back then, and yes, that hairstyle makes him look like a girl. At the risk of sounding misogynistic and transphobic (You can thank the media for that) that's not the reason why Buster Brown is now the new subject of my nightmares. Had he been wearing a leather jacket and sporting a comb-over, I'd still fear him. Are you sitting down?

When I clicked on this image, the face got bigger. 

Yes. This... Thing was a mascot. If you've ever heard of the uncanny valley... Ignore this next part. 

You know how weird it was to see how semi-real the characters were in that Tintin movie they made a while back? It's because your brain recognizes that it looks human, but through certain features, it looks wrong. It's unfamiliar. It looks human, but it isn't. When your brain perceives something like that, fight-or-flight sort of takes over, which is a good thing. Because if I saw Buster Brown in real life, I think I'd vomit out my own heart in terror. 

God, why?

That's not a dog, and that's not a kid. That's a guy in a dog costume, and a dwarf in a Buster Brown costume. You see, Buster Brown was a popular character back then. He had his own comic strip:

We'll just sacrifice the child to Tzeentch, mother. Then all will be right.

Which then blossomed into other terrifying forms of media. Such as this heart-wrenchingly horrifying Valentine's Day card. 

What, the bucket of blood, your alliance with a god of chaos, or the fact that you're the world's only talking dog?

Brown Shoes would hire dwarf actors, pick up a dog from the pound, and have "Meet-and-Greets" near department stores. Think Disney World. Only... Creepier. All to peddle shoes, which I thought I could turn into some moral, but to be honest, nothing's coming to me. But I guess it's worth a try.

Kids, don't make mascots your heroes. Especially dead-eyed children in old clothing with a talking dog. Those aren't heroes. Heroes are... Well, the opposite of dead-eyed children in old clothing with  talking dog. Stay in school, don't do drugs, and for the love of GOD, don't come to my house dressed as Buster Brown.  

Uncanny Valley image taken from Wikipedia, based on a graph by Masahiro Mori and Karl MacDorman, all other images are in the public domain and are subject to fair use, all rights reserved.

Civilization VI Mod Idea: Minnesota Civilization

I loved Sid Meier's Civilization V so much. To me, the Civilization series is THE 4X strategy game above all other 4X strategy games. (4X, of course meaning Explore, Expand, Exploit and Exterminate) At the risk of repeating much better critics than myself, not many games can turn an early morning into a late night than the Civilization franchise. So, why am I talking about it right now instead of something Christmasy? Well, hold onto your red Starbucks(tm) cup and allow me to explain.

In Civilization, you pick from a number of different historical leaders and lead a civilization (funny, isn't it?) from circa 4000 BC to the space age. Players can play in many different ways, being a religion-driven Russia led by Catherine the Great, or a power-hungry, nuke-happy India led by Gandhi.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of whoever has access to the Manhattan Project, motherf%$kers!

Okay, NOW I've lost you all. A thousand apologies. It's very difficult to not talk about politics and dictators while talking about a game where politics and dictators are the norm. The point I'm failing to get at here is that in more recent Civilization games, players who are smart and talented enough can program new things and put them into the game. These are called "Mods", and are fairly popular. With Civilization VI just being released, I had an idea: What if we could have Minnesota, my home state, as a playable civilization?

My God, I'm proud to live in this state!

Now, in the context of a Civilization game, Minnesota is going to need a leader. While a celebrity such as Bob Dylan or Prince would be the obvious choice, we're looking for political leaders. In this sense, I nominate Hubert Humphrey as our glorious leader.

A quick little history lesson for the less-informed: Hubert Humphrey was the 38th Vice President of the United States, serving under Lyndon Johnson. While he lost the 1968 election to Nixon, he is most fondly remembered for representing Minnesota for two terms in the senate. While the man himself was born in South Dakota, he's considered an honorary Minnesotan. Hell, the Metrodome was named after him. That's not nothing. Sheesh, now I miss the Metrodome.

Anyway, Minnesota's special ability will be "Land of 10,000 Lakes". This ability gives Minnesota extra culture and production points when a city is founded near a lake. This also allows Minnesota to expand faster when around lakes.

For the unique unit, I've decided on a Dakota tribe scout. Simply put, this is like a typical scouting unit, but unlike other scouts, which can't fight to save their lives, these units can move far, fast, and can actually fight against barbarians if needed.

And finally, for the unique building, I've decided that a cabin would be nice enough. It can only be built near a forest or a lake, but it provides extra housing, and replaces the neighborhood. It'll also be available earlier.

So there you have it. This is what I think about all the time instead of doing schoolwork. See you all next time.

Two Air is Human: An Exercise in Homonyms

There was a sale on sails, I could get one for my craft.

I'll walk down the aisle and sail to an isle, at least it's not a raft.

I said to the sheep running the shop, "I want to get two of those, too"

"You know I've got two ewes to feed, would you buy a nice paddle made of yew?"

I said "I'm just a buyer, don't you belong in a byre?" I told the sheep that day

I said "I might as well buy and say bye" and I was on my way.

Well I done crashed through a pane of glass, and boy was I in pain,

It was such a scene, and I was seen in a bit of trouble again.

So then a seven toed toad hopped up and said "Sir, do you need your boat towed?"

So I said "Yes, can you drop me off at the river?" and we rode down the road.

"Say there sonny, it looks quite sunny"   

"You're driving too fast in your car!"

"Well, I got one eye on the road"

"Look, there's a cop! Are you even thinking about our safety?"

"That's not a state trooper, he's just a plain ol' trouper!"

"Dear heavens! You almost hit a buck and sent it deer heaven!"

"Say, is that hair dye?"

"I think we're gonna die!"

So that toad nearly earned us a couple of urns, I mean, he was a toad

But he would be missed as he drove into the mist, and back onto the road.

I started to whistle a tune from some famous 'toon about boats and mouse

I may sound like I'm rapping, but really I'm just wrapping up this story, and I sailed to my house.

I prayed dearly to the sky, so that I wouldn't be preyed upon by a hungry crocodile,

I then thought, "I'll just give him a flower, ask him for a cup of flour" and we'd be pals for a while.

Now I have told you a story, but I've halved the story, as it could go on for a while.

But I'll be back in a while, walkin' down the aisle, and I'll tell you another tale in this goofy style.

Thanksgiving, and What it Means

In memory of my Uncle Mike, The Greatest Friend, Brother, Son, Husband and Uncle one could ever hope for. He worked hard for decades to support his family, and what he did every single day will never, ever be forgotten. I'd make a joke about cars and heaven, but... No. A loved one like Mike is above my petty, non-important jokes. I hope you can understand why this is hard and a bit awkward to me to type down. Death is never easy to talk about or read about, but I can be certain about one thing, and one thing only. Family gatherings, especially holidays, will never be the same without Mike. He was one of the greatest parts about family gatherings, and it was always nice to see him smile and laugh. Rest in peace, Mike.

Now back to our regularly scheduled ranting on the internet. Enjoy my stupid crap.

Thanksgiving's an odd holiday. Never in my life, has a national holiday completely confused me as much as Thanksgiving has. As a kid, all I understood about it was that some white people with buckles on their hats and a bunch of Native Americans got together and ate a ton of food. It didn't work out AS well for one of the parties involved, but hey, I'm sure the pie was delicious.

Quick tangent: Why the hell do these people have buckles on their hats? Buckles are for belts, fancy women's shoes, and diaries. They're there for a specific reason; they're there for their simple purpose, to keep things tight. To keep two straps together, too. Next week, I'm writing a whole story on homonyms, so I hope you enjoy that. I will.

To me, Thanksgiving is about the two greatest things in life. Food and family. You can't live without either, and my family loves to eat. I'm proof of that, after all! So, let's go down the list of the traditional Thanksgiving foods, and my thoughts about them!

Turkey: You can't have Thanksgiving dinner, or hell, even Christmas dinner, without it. Arguably, the most delicious of the birds. Unfortunately, chicken has lost that regard decades ago. You do NOT want to know what chickens go through in those factories. I'm not even an animal rights activist, and chickens eating feed made of the nutrients in their... I don't want to spoil your appetite. You do NOT want to hear the rest of that sentence. Anywho, turkey is great! You've got two different types of meat in it, both of which taste slightly different, and give one more options when gorging oneself.

Gravy: Made from grease, makes everything better. You can pour this stuff on anything, and it'll make it better, especially an entire Thanksgiving meal, and over more gravy. I've had fantasies about taking a whole gravy boat and shotgunning it down my throat.

Mashed Potatoes: The butterier and lighter, the better. It's almost like an edible glue that can hold an entire overfilled plate together. Techinically, this makes mashed potatoes the backbone of a Thanksgiving meal!

50 Things I Would Do With 50 Clones of Conan O'Brian

The election is tomorrow, I've got exams and internships to take care of, and I'm almost certain Timmy's in the well again.

You know what I'd like to do for this week's post? I want to post something that doesn't have anything to do with two rich blondes from New York fighting over a house like some reality show that not even TLC would spurt out if it farted too aggressively. Like Tyson Ritter, lead singer and guitarist of the All-American Rejects, told the crowd while performing in St. Paul: "If I started to actually care, I think I'd kill myself". So, if CNN and Fox want to throw some jargon and buzzwords at the American people like they don't understand politics, I say "Screw it" and think of things that don't actually matter, but anyone in their right mind would rather think about. At least, that's my opinion.

Here's 50 things I would do if I had 50 clones of Conan O'Brian!

1. Have one of them be a chef.
2. Have all of them have different hairstyles.
3. Remake Conan the Barbarian.
4. Remake Conan the Destroyer.
5. Remake that new Conan the Barbarian remake they made like, 6 years ago.
6. Send one to Harvard, one to Yale, and one to art school.
7. Start a marching band.
8. Have Conan's desk cast in solid bronze. Don't ask me where I'll get the bronze.
9. Crash a birthday party with about a dozen of the clones.
10. Have one write this blog while I waste my time playing video games.
11. See if we can discover a new element together.
12. Start a circus of Conan clones.
13. Run a D&D session, based around Conan's life.
14. Create my own Conan-themed superhero expanded cinematic universe, including toys, about a dozen Netflix Original shows, and will confuse new audiences by introducing them to the comics, which will anger fans of the original Conan comics.
15. Have one of them claim to be female, just to see how big of a fit social media will throw.
16. Start a fashion line.
17. Lay siege to Yorktown.
18. Buy Buzzfeed, shut it down.
19. Replace Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Katie Couric, Larry King, Jay Leno, Dr. Phil, those two black guys that replaced Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, and the entire circle of witches from The View.
20. Create a new language.
21. Create a Patreon account, just to see how many people will donate.
22. Underground gladiator pit, where two Conans fight for the glory of Rome.
23. Start a sitcom.
24. Have the original Conan be known as "Subject Alpha"
25. Create another Scooby-Doo TV series on Cartoon Network that won't last two seasons.
26. Take back Crimea from Russia.
27. Have one of them write The Communist Manifesto by hand, backwards.
28. Bake sale.
29. Run a production of Hamilton, but make ticket prices cheaper, so people can actually see it.
30. Write a book on what it's like to live in a house with 50 redheads.
31. Play with Legos.
32. Leak my cloning technology online, blame hackers.
33. Leak my cloning technology online, blame ISIL.
34. Leak my cloning technology online, blame one of the Clone-ans.
35. Trademark the term "Clone-an"
36. Finish A Song of Fire and Ice. God knows George R.R Martin won't.
37. Change that lightbulb in my room.
38. Buy about a dozen minivans. We're gonna need them.
39. Have one of the clones get super-fat, then lose weight, replacing Subway's old spokesman.
40. Invent something. I'll have plenty of time on my hands.
41. Win a Nobel Prize for cloning Conan O'Brian.
42. LARP every other weekend.
43. Civil War reenactment! (Which is basically LARPing for old people)
44. Totally screw-up secret-santa at the office by having several of the clones work there.
45. Have one of them marry into the Rothschild family.
46. Have one of them marry into the British royal family.
47. Overinflate YouTube with even more "Let's Play" channels.
48. Have one of them tuck me in at night.
49. Staring contest tournament!
50. Start a Conan-based party platform to run in 2020.