Carmilla, AKA: Countess Dracula

Happy Halloween. Let's talk vampires. Let's talk lesbian vampires.

No, this isn't one of those dirty movies. You sicko. There are children here, and I hope you're happy that you've spoiled their innocence. You bastard. 

Bram Stoker's Dracula is a very good book. It's one of the only novels I've read from cover to cover in an entire day, and has a legacy that cannot be denied. Yes, the legends of vampires have existed for centuries, but no real narratives seem to predate Dracula. Well, a story I found sure does. 

Sheridan Le Fanu's Carmilla predates Dracula by over 25 years. Originally appearing in the monthly magazine The Dark Blue, hasn't had as many adaptations as Dracula, but is certainly worth checking out if you'd like to see the deeper roots of vampire fiction, and (I suppose) gay literature. 

Spoiler Alert! From here on out, I'll be discussing the plot. I warned you. Don't say that I didn't. That'll make me cry, maybe.

The story follows Laura, a young woman who has everything: A nice family with a nice house in southeastern Austria. Did I say it was a nice house? I meant it's a castle, perhaps the nicest of houses. One night, Laura dreams of a beautiful mysterious figure inside of her bedroom. 

A mere twelve years later, and Laura is now eighteen. She's lonely after the loss of a potential friend, a girl named Bertha, the niece of her father's friend, General Speilsdorf. The only thing Laura is missing in life is a companion. But she isn't alone for long. An accident outside the castle brings Carmilla into Laura's life. 

Carmilla and Laura get to know each other, and become friends. They discover that they had the same dream when they were young, and recognize one another from the dream. The two are very good friends, but Carmilla begins to like Laura a lot. Like, a LOT. See where I'm going with this? For some reason, Carmilla doesn't pray at dinner and sleeps pretty much all day? See where I'm going with that? 

As the story goes on, women from the nearby village start dying from an unknown cause. Things get oddly suspicious when the two friends pass by a funeral of one of the girls, and Carmilla suddenly becomes upset. 

See how Carmilla doesn't want to look at the funeral. Do. You. See. Where. I'm. Going. With. This?

  

The girls soon come upon an old painting of Countess Mircalla Karnstein, who is believed to be Carmilla's ancestor, from centuries past. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Laura soon has dreams of a large, cat-like monster coming into her bedroom and biting her on the chest, drinking her blood, who then transforms into Carmilla. She soon falls ill, with her begging for her father to never leave her alone after a doctor finds a strange wound on Laura's chest. 

The father and daughter meet up with the General in the decaying town of Karnstein, who tells the story of when the General's niece, Bertha, had met a young woman named Millarca. Millarca seems to match Carmilla and Mircalla's descriptions. 

So, to get everyone on board here, Carmilla is also Millarca, who is also Mircalla. It's sort of like Dracula and Alucard, but less clever, I suppose.

After Bertha fell ill, similar to Laura, the General pieced together that Bertha's friend was a vampire. He tried to kill the countess with his sword, but the vampire escaped, with Bertha ending up dead of what appeared to be blood loss. 

The three decide to hunt down the tomb of Mircalla Karnstein, which had been relocated by a vampire hunter, who slayed most of the vampires in the region. The General and Laura are discovered by Carmilla, who have a brief fight. The vampire escapes. 

The three find a fourth party member, Baron Vordenburg, a descendant of the original vampire hunter who destroyed Carmilla's family. The trope of the elderly vampire hunter who descends from other vampire hunters would be used by both Abraham Van Helsing family in the Dracula novel, and Simon Belmont from Konami's Castlevania. 

Vordenburg explains that his ancestor had been romantically involved with the original countess before she became a vampire, and took notes that would potentially lead others to finish off the countess and her family off once and for all. The four instruct a group of (what I suppose are) soldiers to find the countess's hidden tomb using the ancestor's old notes. Carmilla's body is destroyed via staking and burning, and having the ashes thrown into a river. 

All seems well, but Laura never recovers from her illness...

Happy Halloween!

Fun Halloween Treats: Spooky Cupcakes!

Hello, everyone!

After a bit of a week-long hiatus, I'm back, and in the same quality! (Not better than ever, that's not how it works)

I was feeling sort of blue while I was gone, not writing. So I decided to bake something!

If you want to learn how to make them, just follow these steps.

You get regular vanilla cake mix:

Bear with me, things get interesting when you put in green food coloring! 

You could add it to the frosting, but that's for St. Patrick's day.

While the green cupcakes are baking, you take some purple frosting:

You put the frosting in a small bowl and microwave it for about a minute, so it's easier to mix. Then, what you need to do is add some grape flavored drink mix (Concentrate) so it becomes a nice deeper purple. You can do this with or without the grape. I could have used regular white frosting (Sprinkles included!) but again, you can get a nice deep purple, which is a bit spookier. 

Spoooooooooky!

When you have a mix of delicious grape/vanilla frosting, add any small candies you like. I decided to add candy bones! 

I don't have any photos of the final product, because I want it to be a surprise when I take it to my extended family's get-together/Halloween party/Grandma's birthday. Don't tell anyone!

WCW's First Halloween Havoc (1989) (Some spoilers, if it matters)

Once upon a time, WWE was called WWF. Once upon a time also, there was another big wrestling company, called WCW.

World Championship Wrestling was a professional wrestling promotion from Atlanta, Georgia. Back in the day, it was glorious. For a few golden years in the '90s, Ted Turner's WCW was more popular than Vince McMahon's WWF.

But we're not here for a history lesson. In honor of TLC (Tables, Ladders, and Chairs, for you newbies) airing later today, I'm gonna learn you about WCW's October pay-per-view, Halloween Havoc. Specifically, the first, from 1989. Specifically again, on October 28th, 1989. 

I'd love to show you the footage, but WWE (Who now owns WCW, and therefore, their entire video library) would sue the pants off of me and end my subscription to WWE Network, and that would make me a sad Jack. Instead you're just gonna have to use your imagination or just watch it for yourself.

Match #1: Tom "The Z-Man" Zenk vs. Mike Rotunda

Just a plain ol' singles match. No belts, no chairs, and no midgets hiding under the ring. Zenk finished off the match by reversing a Cross-Body-Block from the top rope. The match itself was fairly decent, but the ending was great. Whenever a big move is reversed into a pin, it's almost magical.

Match #2: The Samoan SWAT Team vs. The Midnight Express and Dr. Death

Getting into a little bit more exotic territory, here, we have a three-on-three match! The Samoan SWAT Team is, of course, made up of Samoan wrestlers, all from the same family, the Anoa'i. The Anoa'i have had quite a few famous wrestlers in their bloodline, including:

If you haven't heard of this man, you probably live under a rock.

 

Match #3: Tommy Rich vs. The Cuban Assassin

  

Another singles match. Can you tell who's supposed to be the good guy in this fight?

It ain't this guy.

Can you tell who won the match?

It wasn't this guy.

 

Match #4: The Fabulous Freebirds vs. The Dynamic Dudes

The battle of alliteration! This match is a little extra special, since the FFs were just introduced into the WWE Hall of Fame last year. They're certainly one of the greatest tag-teams of all time, and it's no wonder that they won the match. Welp, I just spoiled it. You should have read the title, chump!

Match #5: The Steiner Brothers vs. Doom

Another multi-man-match, and another good one. Another famous duo, the Steiner Brothers makes an appearance. I could tell you who wins this match, but instead, I'm going to show you the beauty and majesty of Scott Steiner, the younger of the brothers. Scott (Arguably) is a bit more famous, and well-known for his-

Well, that, and his completely hilarious promos. 

Let that sink in.

Match #6: Lex Luger vs. Brian Pillman

Lex Luger-

Okay, I'm skipping this one because I'll make too many Superman/Lex Luthor references. Sorry.

Match #7: The Road Warriors vs. The Skyscrapers

Another one of the greatest tag-teams in professional wrestling history, The Road Warriors, later known as The Legion of Doom-

Okay! I'm skipping this one too, because I can't do this without making comic book references!

Match #8: Ric Flair and Sting vs. The Great Muta and Terry Funk

Here it is, folks. The highlight of the show. Bring in... The Thunderdome!

I'd make a Mad Max joke, but that wouldn't be funny. They claimed outright that the cage-like design it was based on the third Mad Max film, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.

Let's meet our combatants. 

Ric Flair

Ric Flair is a living legend. He's widely regarded as the greatest wrestler of all time, and has evidence to back it up. Back in the 1980s, Ric Flair was easily the greatest draw in professional wrestling, and due to also being a very terrific bad guy, people would pay hand over fist to watch their local wrestler beat the crap out of him, which would only rarely happen. Every time it didn't happen, his legacy would build and build, turning him into sort of a Godzilla-type character. And lord have mercy, if it was a pay-per-view, families from coast to coast would tune in and pay to see him wrestle. 

Terry Funk

Another living legend, and with a wrestling career that's spanned more than half a century, Terry Funk. The older he became, the tougher and more brutal his fights became. A veteran of about a dozen wrestling promotions, most of them Japanese/hardcore-based, Funk is no stranger to violence and insanity. Funk bleeds and makes others bleed like his life depends on it, and isn't afraid to get hurt a lot to hurt his opponent a little.

The Great Muta

Keiji Mutoh, AKA: The Great Muta, is a beast of a man from the land of the rising sun. A native of Japan (Obviously) and beginning his wrestling career there, The Great Muta has taken part in some of the bloodiest matches of all time. How bloody? How many? Well, in wrestling lingo, the "Muta Scale" determines how bloody a match is. This means The Great Muta set the golden standard for two men painting the wrestling mat crimson. 

And finally...

Sting

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sting. Sting was to WCW in the 80s and 90s what John Cena is to the WWE now. In his career, he has held a belt 25 times. When WCW was more popular than WWE (Then called WWF) Sting was the face of wrestling. The painted face of wrestling. In Pro Wrestling Magazine, he has been named "Wrestler of the Year" four times, tied with John Cena. When he was induced into the WWE Hall of Fame, he was the headline. For pretty much all of his career, Sting was the ultimate "Good guy". This is weird, because in this match, he's teamed up with his ultimate rival, Ric Flair. 

I'm not going to spoil the match, because it's the main event. I had Star Wars: Episode VII and Logan spoiled for me, so the least I can do is not spoil this for you. 

If you want to see this match, try out the WWE Network. The first month is free, you can cancel anytime, and it has every pay-per-view from WWE/WWF, WCW and even ECW, countless episodes of wrestling shows like Smackdown and Raw, tons of original content (Even a friggin' cartoon series) and other stuff. I'm not being paid to tell you this, although I wish I was.

Spookyspaghetti: A Creepypasta Parody

I'm not sorry.
From the Creepypasta Wiki:


Creepypasta are essentially internet horror stories, passed around on forums and other sites to disturb and frighten readers. The name "Creepypasta" comes from the word "copypasta", an internet slang term for a block of text that gets copied and pasted over and over again from website to website. Creepypastas are sometimes supplemented with pictures, audio and/or video footage related to the story, typically with gory, distorted, or otherwise shocking content.
While creepypasta today varies greatly in length and quality, older ones tend to be very short and follow one of the following set of formulas:

• Anecdotes. The narrator remarks on a scary legend, news story, or event from their own past.
• Rituals. A list of instructions for the reader, claiming that if they go to a certain place at a certain time, and perform specific actions, something remarkable and/or horrifying will happen.
• The "Lost Episode." The narrator tells the story of a never-before-seen episode or scene from a famous TV show, typically a comedy or children's cartoon, where the audio and video is heavily distorted and characters begin acting strangely or violently, killing themselves and/or each other. This style of creepypasta has fallen out of favor nowadays, as it is seen as cliché. 

That last one, unfortunately, sort of shows what most creepypasta boil down to (No pun intended... Okay, pun intended) about how most of the time, they can be VERY cliché. The one that most people will refer you to is "Ben Drowned", which is about a haunted Nintendo 64 cartridge. 

Then there's "Lavender Town Syndrome" which is sort of the same formula of a haunted video game. It's like The Ring, just without a high Rotten Tomatoes score. As with horror movies, there are some very good and scary ones, but you've gotta dig through a lot of crap.

So with that, I'm going to write my own creepypasta. I hope you don't enjoy, because you won't. 

One day is very spooky and being very dark. I walk to old man who is selling games for a nice price. I saw an unmarked game that says "DO NOT PLAY". It's only a dollar, the old man sayed. I was hesistant to trust the old man but bought it. 

At home, I put the game into my Nintendo. Suddenly, the screen turned black and showeded a spooky face! 

Like this, but only with spooky red eyes and more photorealistic jowels! The face looked at me and said pick up the phone! I picked up the phone and it said you are dead. And then I died three weeks later from eating Applebee's.

The End!

The Earthworm

To pay for a present, I sold my hair.

To pay for that ring, I sold my car.

I barely made my own wedding.

To pay for that house, I sold my kidney.

To pay for the child support, I sold my bone marrow.

To pay for the child's tuition, I sold my other kidney.

To pay for the divorce lawyer, I sold my tongue.

The trial didn't go so well. I couldn't speak.

To pay for a new house, I sold my eyes.

To pay for a personal care assistant, I sold my legs.

To pay to make my house accessible for someone like me, I sold my arms.

Just for the hell of it, I sold my nose.

To pay for this machine that's allowing me to type without fingers, I sold my skin.

To pay for this machine that's keeping me alive, I sold my soul.

I'm nothing. For all you know, I'm an earthworm.

I have no hair.

No car.

No kidneys.

No bone marrow.

No tongue.

No eyes.

No legs, no arms.

No nose.

No skin.

Do worms have souls? Who cares?

Jack's Top 14 Worst Halloween Candies

Last year, I did a list on the greatest Halloween candies. A recurring theme of this year is "the exact opposite". So, I'm switching things around to create a list of the top 14 worst candies.Without further ado, here's my picks for the Top 14 Worst Halloween Candies.

14. Gimmick Candy

These rank low on the list, because they're mostly just novelties, and aren't supposed to taste good. That being said, if you create candy that's supposed to taste awful, just remember that there are people in this world that are starving to death.

13. Jelly Beans

These are an Easter candy, not a Halloween candy.

12. Candy Canes

These are a Christmas candy, not a Halloween candy.

11. Werther's Originals

I'm not 93 years old, Mrs. Johnson. 

10. Gum

No, I'm not talking about bubblegum. I'm talking about breath-freshening gum. The kind that you can't blow bubbles with. Boring.

9. Candy Buttons

Speaking of boring, candy buttons. They're not fun flavors, they're not fun shapes. Boring.

8. Good & Plenty

The candy that looks like pills and doesn't taste much better, Good & Plentys are like the disappointing older cousins of Mike and Ikes.

7. Any Coconut Candy

I hate coconut candy. I hate the taste, consistency, and the very idea of coconut. Next, please.

6. Necco Wafers

I'm pretty sure this is what sadness tastes like.

5. Wax Candies

This is more of a disappointing candy than a bad candy. Yes, it's nice that it has the candy liquid inside, but there's so little of it, it doesn't really make a difference. What are you left with? Wax. Eat the wax, expel the wax however you like. Doesn't matter, you ate wax.

4. Circus Peanuts

No. 

3. Candy Corn

There are some people who like candy corn, and there are some people who think Flatliners was a good movie. The only thing "Corn" about this candy is the corn syrup taste and nothing else. I think Lewis Black said it best:

2. Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans/Bean-Boozled

Okay. If you're at a party, these can be fun, but if you hand these out at Halloween along with other jelly beans (Which you shouldn't hand out in the first place) you're a monster. I loved Harry Potter as a child, and I still sort of do. When I prayed to experience the magic for myself, I didn't mean having to taste a sardine-flavored candy. 

At least with the Harry Potter ones, you could tell which ones you were gonna get. With Bean-Boozled, it's a 50/50 shot with some of the worst flavors ever. I tasted the spoiled milk bean, and I didn't want to exist anymore. 

These are more of a novelty candy, but they stand out so much, they had to be put higher on the list.

1. Things that aren't candy/edible.

 

You know what I'm talking about. Instead of candy, you get something made of plastic. For me, the worst offender on this list are those stupid little spider rings. First of all, you couldn't eat them. Second, it was a crap-shoot if they actually fit on your finger. Third, even if they did, the poorly-molded plastic was so jagged and sharp that it would hurt!

And let's not forget about the ass-face who gave out toothbrushes and granola bars. 

No. It's not a Happy Halloween anymore, ass-face.

Public Domain Horror Movie Reccomendations II (And by that, I mean these movies are awful)

The public domain horror movies from last year were too good. This year, I'm gonna recommend you all to watch three awful ones! Be afraid, be very afraid.

The Killer Shrews

Three words: Mutated. Killer. Shrews. By that, they meant dogs wearing rugs. There's a shot where they show one of the killer shrews up close, and they look absolutely awful. Does the plot matter? If you'd like to know, just remind yourself that it has mutated killer shrews in it.    

Bride of the Monster

Remember that guy from last year's Public Domain Horror Movie Recommendations? Well, director Ed Wood did. Ed Wood was an independent film maker from way back when, and boy, he's made some of the worst frickin' movies I've ever seen in my life. This movie only stands out because it happens to be one of Bela Lugosi's final roles. Sadly, an addiction to morphine and declining health caught up with Lugosi, and he died not long after this movie was made. Plan 9 from Outer Space was released in 1959, and is considered to be one of the worst movies of all time. It just so happens to have silent footage of Lugosi, shot years before.

But, let's try not to get off topic. This movie's got everything a horror movie has, but doesn't pull it off with any class. A mad scientist, a creepy house, a lumbering assistant, and even a giant octopus. It's still worth a watch, I suppose. 

The Screaming Skull

Are you ready for this? Trick question. You're not. This movie offered free burial services of you died of fright during this movie... You're not going to die of fright during this movie. There's a skull, you see... and it screams. The editing is so bad, there's part of a scene missing. Saying anything more about this movie would ruin it. Just watch it. 

Bride of So I Went to Party City

Well, I went inside Party City again to see what they had to offer. Sadly, most of the main stuff from last year has made a return. Thankfully, there was a bit of new crap stuff that I was able to take high-quality photos of.

You want solicitors off of your property on Halloween? Chuck one of these dense monkeyfarmers at 'em and see what happens. 

What's so funny? What do you know that I don't?!

Oy! 'Ew left tha bloody gauze drape on the stairs?

It's a witch's broom! Just kidding, it's the janitor's broom.

Trick question: Spiders are not friendly.

Well, since you asked so nicely, I think I'll just leave and never come back.

You know what's uncomfortable? Fake eyelashes. What's more uncomfortable? GLITTER IN YOUR F&#KING EYES!

"Professional"

I'm pretty sure this is what happens when you eat too much red phosphorus.

"Ugh, I have a knife in my head? Moooooom! I have a knife in my head again!"

Yeah. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific, hat.

Larry: Paul!

Paul: Yeah, Larry?

Larry: What are those kids into these days?

Paul: Lessee, how about those Minions from those four awful movies?

Larry: How can we make one of 'em a costume for ladies?

Paul: I dunno, just put a Minion on a shirt and call it a costume!

(And then they were both executed for treason. What a lovely ending to this story.)

 See: Above joke.

No comment.

No, this is what you give grandpa when you all hate him and want him to die.