Spookyspaghetti: A Creepypasta Parody

I'm not sorry.
From the Creepypasta Wiki:


Creepypasta are essentially internet horror stories, passed around on forums and other sites to disturb and frighten readers. The name "Creepypasta" comes from the word "copypasta", an internet slang term for a block of text that gets copied and pasted over and over again from website to website. Creepypastas are sometimes supplemented with pictures, audio and/or video footage related to the story, typically with gory, distorted, or otherwise shocking content.
While creepypasta today varies greatly in length and quality, older ones tend to be very short and follow one of the following set of formulas:

• Anecdotes. The narrator remarks on a scary legend, news story, or event from their own past.
• Rituals. A list of instructions for the reader, claiming that if they go to a certain place at a certain time, and perform specific actions, something remarkable and/or horrifying will happen.
• The "Lost Episode." The narrator tells the story of a never-before-seen episode or scene from a famous TV show, typically a comedy or children's cartoon, where the audio and video is heavily distorted and characters begin acting strangely or violently, killing themselves and/or each other. This style of creepypasta has fallen out of favor nowadays, as it is seen as cliché. 

That last one, unfortunately, sort of shows what most creepypasta boil down to (No pun intended... Okay, pun intended) about how most of the time, they can be VERY cliché. The one that most people will refer you to is "Ben Drowned", which is about a haunted Nintendo 64 cartridge. 

Then there's "Lavender Town Syndrome" which is sort of the same formula of a haunted video game. It's like The Ring, just without a high Rotten Tomatoes score. As with horror movies, there are some very good and scary ones, but you've gotta dig through a lot of crap.

So with that, I'm going to write my own creepypasta. I hope you don't enjoy, because you won't. 

One day is very spooky and being very dark. I walk to old man who is selling games for a nice price. I saw an unmarked game that says "DO NOT PLAY". It's only a dollar, the old man sayed. I was hesistant to trust the old man but bought it. 

At home, I put the game into my Nintendo. Suddenly, the screen turned black and showeded a spooky face! 

Like this, but only with spooky red eyes and more photorealistic jowels! The face looked at me and said pick up the phone! I picked up the phone and it said you are dead. And then I died three weeks later from eating Applebee's.

The End!

The Earthworm

To pay for a present, I sold my hair.

To pay for that ring, I sold my car.

I barely made my own wedding.

To pay for that house, I sold my kidney.

To pay for the child support, I sold my bone marrow.

To pay for the child's tuition, I sold my other kidney.

To pay for the divorce lawyer, I sold my tongue.

The trial didn't go so well. I couldn't speak.

To pay for a new house, I sold my eyes.

To pay for a personal care assistant, I sold my legs.

To pay to make my house accessible for someone like me, I sold my arms.

Just for the hell of it, I sold my nose.

To pay for this machine that's allowing me to type without fingers, I sold my skin.

To pay for this machine that's keeping me alive, I sold my soul.

I'm nothing. For all you know, I'm an earthworm.

I have no hair.

No car.

No kidneys.

No bone marrow.

No tongue.

No eyes.

No legs, no arms.

No nose.

No skin.

Do worms have souls? Who cares?

Jack's Top 14 Worst Halloween Candies

Last year, I did a list on the greatest Halloween candies. A recurring theme of this year is "the exact opposite". So, I'm switching things around to create a list of the top 14 worst candies.Without further ado, here's my picks for the Top 14 Worst Halloween Candies.

14. Gimmick Candy

These rank low on the list, because they're mostly just novelties, and aren't supposed to taste good. That being said, if you create candy that's supposed to taste awful, just remember that there are people in this world that are starving to death.

13. Jelly Beans

These are an Easter candy, not a Halloween candy.

12. Candy Canes

These are a Christmas candy, not a Halloween candy.

11. Werther's Originals

I'm not 93 years old, Mrs. Johnson. 

10. Gum

No, I'm not talking about bubblegum. I'm talking about breath-freshening gum. The kind that you can't blow bubbles with. Boring.

9. Candy Buttons

Speaking of boring, candy buttons. They're not fun flavors, they're not fun shapes. Boring.

8. Good & Plenty

The candy that looks like pills and doesn't taste much better, Good & Plentys are like the disappointing older cousins of Mike and Ikes.

7. Any Coconut Candy

I hate coconut candy. I hate the taste, consistency, and the very idea of coconut. Next, please.

6. Necco Wafers

I'm pretty sure this is what sadness tastes like.

5. Wax Candies

This is more of a disappointing candy than a bad candy. Yes, it's nice that it has the candy liquid inside, but there's so little of it, it doesn't really make a difference. What are you left with? Wax. Eat the wax, expel the wax however you like. Doesn't matter, you ate wax.

4. Circus Peanuts

No. 

3. Candy Corn

There are some people who like candy corn, and there are some people who think Flatliners was a good movie. The only thing "Corn" about this candy is the corn syrup taste and nothing else. I think Lewis Black said it best:

2. Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans/Bean-Boozled

Okay. If you're at a party, these can be fun, but if you hand these out at Halloween along with other jelly beans (Which you shouldn't hand out in the first place) you're a monster. I loved Harry Potter as a child, and I still sort of do. When I prayed to experience the magic for myself, I didn't mean having to taste a sardine-flavored candy. 

At least with the Harry Potter ones, you could tell which ones you were gonna get. With Bean-Boozled, it's a 50/50 shot with some of the worst flavors ever. I tasted the spoiled milk bean, and I didn't want to exist anymore. 

These are more of a novelty candy, but they stand out so much, they had to be put higher on the list.

1. Things that aren't candy/edible.

 

You know what I'm talking about. Instead of candy, you get something made of plastic. For me, the worst offender on this list are those stupid little spider rings. First of all, you couldn't eat them. Second, it was a crap-shoot if they actually fit on your finger. Third, even if they did, the poorly-molded plastic was so jagged and sharp that it would hurt!

And let's not forget about the ass-face who gave out toothbrushes and granola bars. 

No. It's not a Happy Halloween anymore, ass-face.

Public Domain Horror Movie Reccomendations II (And by that, I mean these movies are awful)

The public domain horror movies from last year were too good. This year, I'm gonna recommend you all to watch three awful ones! Be afraid, be very afraid.

The Killer Shrews

Three words: Mutated. Killer. Shrews. By that, they meant dogs wearing rugs. There's a shot where they show one of the killer shrews up close, and they look absolutely awful. Does the plot matter? If you'd like to know, just remind yourself that it has mutated killer shrews in it.    

Bride of the Monster

Remember that guy from last year's Public Domain Horror Movie Recommendations? Well, director Ed Wood did. Ed Wood was an independent film maker from way back when, and boy, he's made some of the worst frickin' movies I've ever seen in my life. This movie only stands out because it happens to be one of Bela Lugosi's final roles. Sadly, an addiction to morphine and declining health caught up with Lugosi, and he died not long after this movie was made. Plan 9 from Outer Space was released in 1959, and is considered to be one of the worst movies of all time. It just so happens to have silent footage of Lugosi, shot years before.

But, let's try not to get off topic. This movie's got everything a horror movie has, but doesn't pull it off with any class. A mad scientist, a creepy house, a lumbering assistant, and even a giant octopus. It's still worth a watch, I suppose. 

The Screaming Skull

Are you ready for this? Trick question. You're not. This movie offered free burial services of you died of fright during this movie... You're not going to die of fright during this movie. There's a skull, you see... and it screams. The editing is so bad, there's part of a scene missing. Saying anything more about this movie would ruin it. Just watch it. 

Bride of So I Went to Party City

Well, I went inside Party City again to see what they had to offer. Sadly, most of the main stuff from last year has made a return. Thankfully, there was a bit of new crap stuff that I was able to take high-quality photos of.

You want solicitors off of your property on Halloween? Chuck one of these dense monkeyfarmers at 'em and see what happens. 

What's so funny? What do you know that I don't?!

Oy! 'Ew left tha bloody gauze drape on the stairs?

It's a witch's broom! Just kidding, it's the janitor's broom.

Trick question: Spiders are not friendly.

Well, since you asked so nicely, I think I'll just leave and never come back.

You know what's uncomfortable? Fake eyelashes. What's more uncomfortable? GLITTER IN YOUR F&#KING EYES!

"Professional"

I'm pretty sure this is what happens when you eat too much red phosphorus.

"Ugh, I have a knife in my head? Moooooom! I have a knife in my head again!"

Yeah. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific, hat.

Larry: Paul!

Paul: Yeah, Larry?

Larry: What are those kids into these days?

Paul: Lessee, how about those Minions from those four awful movies?

Larry: How can we make one of 'em a costume for ladies?

Paul: I dunno, just put a Minion on a shirt and call it a costume!

(And then they were both executed for treason. What a lovely ending to this story.)

 See: Above joke.

No comment.

No, this is what you give grandpa when you all hate him and want him to die.

It (2017) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Before I begin, I'd just like to say one thing: This movie is pretty damn good. At least, it's way better than the 1990 miniseries with Tim Curry. If you'd like to know why, let me tell you all about it.

Right off the bat, I'd like to praise the movie for how well-written and well-directed it is. I've seen so many horror movies with uninteresting camera techniques and forgettable dialogue/characters that I nearly gave up on watching new ones. However, this isn't the case for It.

To give credit where it's due, Stephen King's book is a phenomenal example of how fear can get the better of people, and how friendship can combat it. I feel that it really helps that this was based off a book and a previous attempt.

The 1990 miniseries is plagued with a somewhat non-scary tone and villain, but the movie had me on the edge of my seat. Even the jump-scares, which are a sad, reoccurring theme in modern horror movies, are creative. Thankfully, the villain is a shape-shifting clown. Creativity is something you need if you're a shape-shifting clown that feeds off of fear.  

Speaking of the villain, holy crap. Bill Skarsgard does a way better job at playing Pennywise than Tim Curry. The way his eyes move, the way he smiles, and the way he drools when looking at the children makes him very uncomfortable to look at for any length of time. Now, don't get me wrong, Tim Curry is a phenomenal actor. I just don't think I can take his depiction of Pennywise seriously.

Overall, I'd like to give this movie a 8.5/10. It's a perfect example of how an adaptation and a remake should be done.

My final thought: Is it just me, or are child actors way better than they were 10-15 years ago? 

The World's Most Interesting Chess Sets

The original strategy game, Chess, has survived quite a while. While the rules haven't changed in that "quite a while" nobody said all chess sets had to look the same. Here are a few of the World's Most Interesting Chess Sets.

I've always wanted a chess set that's unreliable to transport and where the pieces can fall off easily! Thanks, Etsy! 

 Got junk laying around? Crafty? Like chess? Then build your own damn chess set.

Have way too many bullets at your house? Same principle. Just remember that children under three years old can choke on bullets, so be careful.

Considering how Fox owns the rights to The Simpsons for the next 120 years, I think they should at least try to make the most of it.
Update (2018): At this rate, Disney will buy the rights to Chess and license the crap out of it.
Additional Update (2018): I own a Simpsons chess set now. 

Here's some chess pieces from an art piece, called "Good vs. Evil". Only one exists, so I don't think you can play it.

Everyone's here, Gandhi, a firefighter... Che Guevara? Well, I guess good and evil are relative terms, even if they're wrong. And why in the hell is Superman a pawn? I guess it made more sense to make Dr. King the king. Now if only they made Freddie Mercury the queen and Rick Harris the pawns, the balance of the universe would be even. 

 

That's better! They even put Freud in there where he belongs. That bag to his right is probably full of cocaine and documents about how prehistoric women used to braid their pubic hairs.

Here's a three-player chess set. If you ask me, I think I'd want to try this the most! That is, if I had friends who played chess. 

Here's a firefighters vs. cops set. If you ask me, I say the guys with the guns are gonna beat the guys with hoses. Also, German Shepards are better than Dalmatians because I said so.

They're facing the wrong way, spray 'em!

Here's an old video game called Battle Chess. The cool thing about this game is that when a piece takes another piece, you get to see a little battle animation. Even the (virtual) pieces look nice!

(Insert Dragon Ball Z power-up sound effect and screaming here)

Make no mistake, since the queen is the most powerful piece, she's the only one who knows magic. She will end you. She will end your army. Hail to the queen. Long live the queen. This segment of Jack's Pile of Pages is in no way sponsored by the British Royal Family. They can't even get dental.

Star Wars has had many chess sets over the years (George Lucas is a marketing wizard), and even a chess video game not unlike Battle Chess, mentioned above. This version is for the Sega-CD, Sega's first venture into CD-based gaming. The one thing most people remember about the Sega-CD was the revolutionary FULL MOTION VIDEO included! When a piece takes another piece, this happens:

If you've ever wanted to see Boba Fett die about half a dozen different times, now is the time to eat some popcorn.

If you've ever wanted to see C3-PO die about half a dozen different times, now is the time to eat some popcorn.

 This is the chess set that didn't exist when I was a child, and now does exist, and now I want it now.

Yeah, this is probably the best one. It's got trees. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make my own chess set out of flash drives and butter.