Crippled Avengers - Movie Review

Shaw Brothers - 1978

Pick a title, fellas.

Also known as Mortal Combat, Return of the Five Deadly Venoms, and a bunch of non-English names, Crippled Avengers is perhaps one of the only films of its kind to feature characters with disabilities, which immediatly sets it apart from other martial arts films of the time, where the main heroes are usually unstoppable badasses. However, like a lot of films with strange titles from the late 70s, this is not an exploitation film at all, thank God. If you ask me, 98% of exploitation movies aren't worth your time, but I digress. This is a story of revenge. friendship, and overcoming obstacles. But how does the film stack up to others of its kind? Let's go over the plot so you can draw your own conclusions, then I'll throw some number at you, pretending I'm some big-shot film critic.

Also, be warned: Nobody has an English-sounding name, so this may be a bit difficult to follow.

So, there's this guy named Chu Twin. His wife and son are attacked by some jerks. Being a master of "Tiger Kung-Fu", Chu Twin kicks their butts easily. His wife dies from injuries, and his son Chu Cho Chang has his arms cut off at the elbows. He grows up, gets a pair of sweet extendable, dart-shooting iron hands, learns kung-fu, and manages to cripple the sons of the men who had his arms chopped off.

Now, had this been your typical revenge story, it would be over by now. This isn't your typical revenge story. Turns out, Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho are jerks as well, and they continue to cripple innocent people who look at them funny, bump into them, or talk back at them. It's a little jarring to have victims become villains just like that, but sometimes, that's how revenge happens. An eye for an eye, and sometimes more.

One character is turned into a deaf mute, one is blinded, and one has his legs chopped off. Now Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho are full-on, irredeemable villains. A wandering kung-fu master tries to avenge them, but he's defeated, and is given perhaps the worst treatment out of all of our heroes: having his head squeezed in a vice until he has permanent brain damage. Don't show this movie to your kids, by the way.

The four crippled heroes go on to train at a kung-fu school, and after three years of training (and a pair of metal legs, crafted by the deaf mute, a blacksmith) the four set on for their revenge against Chu Twin, who has taken over the town. Oh yeah, Chu Twin has a bunch of goons that he uses to bully the town, which gets worse when his birthday comes around.

In the end however, Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho, as well as all of the cronies, underestimate the four crippled avengers, and although the brain-damaged avenger dies in the penultimate battle against Chu Chang Cho, the remaining three avengers manage to overwhelm Chu Twin and kill him with the iron feet. The three friends walk past the bodies, their job now done.

If you like old martial arts movies, give this one a watch. I can at least say it's not a waste of time. It stands out without exploiting the disabled like some grindhouse movies do.

My Final Verdict: 7/10

Now, if you were expecting a different kind of avenger, don't worry. Everyone's most favorite irradiated, hulking avenger will get a review of his own next week.

The Biggest Douche of the Year: 2018 (Not for Everyone)

First off: I know what you're thinking. No, it's not Trump. If you ask me, Trump is a deplorable, disgusting human being. But on the other hand, he's a politician and a businessman. For this new segment on Jack's Pile of Pages, politicians and businessmen are disqualified. No professionals. 

Today's subject needs no introduction. In fact, it shouldn't have been easy to top this individual for the entirety of 2018. Several people came close, but exploitation of suicide is an unforgivable offense. 

Ladies and other gender, this is Logan Paul. On December 31st, 2017, Paul uploaded a video to YouTube in which he visited Aokigahara, a forest on Mt. Fuji in Japan colloquially known as the "Suicide Forest" for the unusually high number of suicides that take place there. The video has since been deleted, but received over at least 6.2 million views before then. In the video, Paul finds a body hanging.

I know, it happened on 2017, but the backlash happened during 2018. Give me a break.

Suicide isn't a joke. The least he could have done is not wear an alien hat. An alien hat, you say?

Here's a mirror of the video Logan doesn't want you to see.

What followed shouldn't surprise you.

It's very clear Logan only did this for attention. 

It took YouTube, his main source of income, way too long to punish him. Post a parody on YouTube, and you get demonetized. If you make YouTube money, they'll consider it.

 

Here's Logan in a shitty disguise asking people about the incident, while his reaction to seeing a dead body is next to "Channel 69".

And for those of you wondering:

This is how sorry Logan is for exploiting suicide. This man is worth millions of dollars. If your children watch his content, show them this.

In conclusion, suicide is not a joke. Always remember that there are people who will support and love you. If you even have a small thought about hurting yourself, consider how much it would hurt your loved ones if you died. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you feel like there isn't a way out. Remember, your death would mean nothing to people like Logan Paul. Let's try and start 2019 off right.

December 21st 2012 Part VI: We're Still Here

Remember when the world was supposed to end six years ago? It seems silly to think that we're still here. I'm glad we're still here. I like all of you.

I remember seeing the initial rumors, and then the panic and hype. Was the end coming? I prayed that I'd be saved from the inferno. What I failed to realize is that praying to my Christian God would be fruitless towards protecting me from a Mayan threat.

Also, another thing to consider is that the Mayan calendar doesn't specify what happens at the end. When a calendar ends, you replace it. Any measurement of time is simply an arbitrary length given by humans to understand time better.

Is any of this important? Yes. Always remember that there will always be some whacko preaching the end of the world. And until you see fire raining from the sky, shut up and enjoy your day. Go to Qdoba. Their burritos are like, an entire pound. If you froze one and threw it at someone, they'd die. Food for thought.

That's a Mayan prophecy that'll come true.

My Nightmare Before Christmas

This is sort of a continuation of my dream journal. It's a rare thing when I can remember my dreams, especially nightmares. I won't tell you about the first nightmare I remember. All I can tell you is that it involves a puppet. I may be disturbed. A-wa-a-a-a. Instead of getting down with that sickness, let me tell you about a recent nightmare of mine.

One of my personal dreams is to win the lottery and have an entire house made of flannel. Just a big cabin in the woods with a flannel interior. Chairs, stairs, everything.

So, and I swear to God, this is how my dream went. I wouldn't make this up.

While my house was being built in the dream, Ben Shapiro was chasing me. If you don't know who Ben Shapiro is, you're in luck. I mean, for not knowing who he is. If you love him, good for you, it's just that you've spent too much time jerking off to rhetoric.

So, that's pretty much all there is to this story, but just imagine my fat ass running from a Jewish Republican repeating the phrase "That's not an argument" over and over again.

What does this dream mean? I think my subconscious is telling me that Ben Shapiro doesn't want me to fulfill my stupid dream. I guess my dreams are liberal propaganda. What a cuck!

Christmas Ghost Stories

It's the most wonderful time of the year

With the kids jingle belling And everyone telling you be of good cheer

It's the most wonderful time of the year

It's the hap-happiest season of all

With those holiday greetings and gay happy meetings When friends come to call

It's the hap-happiest season of all

There'll be parties for hosting Marshmallows for toasting And caroling out in the snow

There'll be scary ghost stories-Hold on... Who the hell tells ghost stories around Christmas? That's more of a summer camp slash Halloween thing. Why does that song go like that?

I once asked my brother Tony about this, and he replied: "Isn't A Christmas Carol a ghost story?" It has ghosts in it, but it is not a ghost story. By that logic, The Bible is a ghost story. I'm not being a dick, The Bible explicitly has ghosts described in it. We're getting nowhere.

According to a quick Google search: “Whenever five or six English-speaking people meet round a fire on Christmas Eve, they start telling each other ghost stories,” wrote British humorist Jerome K. Jerome as part of his introduction to an anthology of Christmas ghost stories titled “Told After Supper“ in 1891. “Nothing satisfies us on Christmas Eve but to hear each other tell authentic anecdotes about specters.”

It's no surprise, I guess. People argue that "Christ is being taken out of Christmas", but here's the thing: Christmas predates Jesus by about a decade. Sorry to spoil it for you, but Christmas has pagan and Roman roots. When Christianity spread, the early Christians couldn't get rid of the heathen winter festivals. So if you couldn't beat 'em, you'd change the festival's name and be done with it.

When the puritans came to America, they didn't bring Christmas with them, because puritans are spoil-sports. In the 19th century, around the time when A Christmas Carol was published, Christmas started to become popular in America. It was Americanized, and spread throughout the world. I suppose in a sense, in that way, A Christmas Carol is a ghost story. It brought a pagan festival back to life, and now people argue that Jesus is being taken out of it.

Have a lovely day.

Santa's Slay Review (Some Spoilers)

Add your own holiday pun here.

First off, I should state that holiday-themed horror movies have been around for a while. A guy running around killing people while dressed as Santa Claus is nothing new either. Funny to think that, specifically, Christmas-themed horror movies predate the original Halloween. But no, we're not looking at Black Christmas or Silent Night Deadly Night. No, we're looking at something well past traditional horror. If you ask me, modern horror movies that turn out to be silly aren't trying to be horror movies. Any "so-bad-it's-good" horror movie is not trying to be funny. I've seen movies that are written from the ground up as "comedy" horror movies often fall flat, and it is sad to see. When you have a movie that isn't trying to be funny on purpose like The Room, you end up with comedy gold. I've seen movies that try to be funny on purpose that are just depressing to watch and have made me consider where I stand as a human being, like most movies Ben Stiller in in. Where does Santa's Slay stand?

If you ask me, it's more of a black comedy than a horror movie. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, actually. So yeah. The movie stars WWE Hall of Famer Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus. Yeah, a Jewish wrestler is playing Santa Claus, strap on in. Santa in this movie is actually the son of Satan. If you've ever switched the letters of Santa around and got Satan, you're about as smart as the writers of this movie.

So, Santa has been cursed to give presents for 1000 years. It's now 2005, and those 1000 years are up. It's up to a couple of high-schoolers and an old man to stop him. If you're asking for any substance to my description, I'm going to tell you it'll be impossible to give you any without actually reciting the script for you. There's a kill with a candy cane, a Jewish deli owner staked with a menorah, and a reindeer-buffalo that eats a person off screen. Is it worth your time? Hell yeah!

My last thought before totally spoiling this movie is that I love how it sets itself up for a sequel and how it didn't follow through with it. It's like it exists in its own universe, and how ridiculous it is. This movie is everything a stupid slasher movie needs. An over-the-top villain, over-the-top kills, and over-the-top dialogue.

Jack's Pile of Pages rates Santa's Slay a 7/10. It's worth about one watch, or several if you're high or drunk. Might as well hit the 'nog and rent this movie!

My Final Thoughts: It's like this movie was written for Goldberg. It even ends with his famous catchphrase: "Who's next?"

I Hate Glitter

I'm not a negative person, at least not entirely.

I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad for their life decisions, their creeds, their beliefs, and so on.

People are people, and there is nothing that you can say or do to change your status of humanity... For the most part.

But if you were to take a little bottle of glitter from a craft store or such, and happened to empty it all on me, I would hate you more than anything in the entire world. More than Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin or Kim Jong-Un. You would be dead to me, and I'm dead serious. Styrofoam is bad, but if you ask me, glitter is way, way worse. And the worst part is that it serves no function.

Styrofoam has its function mainly as a packing material. Yes, it is harmful to the environment, but luckily, scientists have found a solution. Starch-based packing peanuts were developed in the 1990s, and are slowly replacing regular packing peanuts, and hopefully soon, Styrofoam. Sure, it might get on you if it breaks off, but it would be no worse than just getting some food on your clothes. It dissolves and washes off. That's a good thing.

However, to my knowledge, glitter has no "better solution" yet. When glitter gets on you, it sticks. It can be washed off, but when it's taking a joyride on your shirt, it shimmers, making it more notable. That's annoying.

I have nothing against glam rock or hair metal, but it was that subculture that made glitter so popular.

Now, you're looking at me like I'm crazy.

Don't deny it.

See?

You feel it on your skin, don't you? Just a single piece of PET that's seeping into your skin. It's a microplastic. They cause cancer. Do you feel pretty yet?