Sunday, October 8, 2017

Public Domain Horror Movie Reccomendations II (And by that, I mean these movies are awful)

The public domain horror movies from last year were too good. This year, I'm gonna recommend you all to watch three awful ones! Be afraid, be very afraid.

The Killer Shrews

Three words: Mutated. Killer. Shrews. By that, they meant dogs wearing rugs. There's a shot where they show one of the killer shrews up close, and they look absolutely awful. Does the plot matter? If you'd like to know, just remind yourself that it has mutated killer shrews in it.    

Bride of the Monster

Remember that guy from last year's Public Domain Horror Movie Recommendations? Well, director Ed Wood did. Ed Wood was an independent film maker from way back when, and boy, he's made some of the worst frickin' movies I've ever seen in my life. This movie only stands out because it happens to be one of Bela Lugosi's final roles. Sadly, an addiction to morphine and declining health caught up with Lugosi, and he died not long after this movie was made. Plan 9 from Outer Space was released in 1959, and is considered to be one of the worst movies of all time. It just so happens to have silent footage of Lugosi, shot years before.

But, let's try not to get off topic. This movie's got everything a horror movie has, but doesn't pull it off with any class. A mad scientist, a creepy house, a lumbering assistant, and even a giant octopus. It's still worth a watch, I suppose. 

The Screaming Skull

Are you ready for this? Trick question. You're not. This movie offered free burial services of you died of fright during this movie... You're not going to die of fright during this movie. There's a skull, you see... and it screams. The editing is so bad, there's part of a scene missing. Saying anything more about this movie would ruin it. Just watch it. 



Tuesday, October 3, 2017

Bride of So I Went to Party City

Well, I went inside Party City again to see what they had to offer. Sadly, most of the main stuff from last year has made a return. Thankfully, there was a bit of new crap stuff that I was able to take high-quality photos of.

You want solicitors off of your property on Halloween? Chuck one of these dense monkeyfarmers at 'em and see what happens. 


What's so funny? What do you know that I don't?!


Oy! 'Ew left tha bloody gauze drape on the stairs?


It's a witch's broom! Just kidding, it's the janitor's broom.


Trick question: Spiders are not friendly.


Well, since you asked so nicely, I think I'll just leave and never come back.


You know what's uncomfortable? Fake eyelashes. What's more uncomfortable? GLITTER IN YOUR F&#KING EYES!


"Professional"


I'm pretty sure this is what happens when you eat too much red phosphorus.


"Ugh, I have a knife in my head? Moooooom! I have a knife in my head again!"


Yeah. You're gonna have to be a bit more specific, hat.


Larry: Paul!
Paul: Yeah, Larry?
Larry: What are those kids into these days?
Paul: Lessee, how about those Minions from those four awful movies?
Larry: How can we make one of 'em a costume for ladies?
Paul: I dunno, just put a Minion on a shirt and call it a costume!
(And then they were both executed for treason. What a lovely ending to this story.)


 See: Above joke.


No comment.


No, this is what you give grandpa when you all hate him and want him to die.

Sunday, October 1, 2017

It (2017) Review (Spoiler-Free)


Before I begin, I'd just like to say one thing: This movie is pretty damn good. At least, it's way better than the 1990 miniseries with Tim Curry. If you'd like to know why, let me tell you all about it.

Right off the bat, I'd like to praise the movie for how well-written and well-directed it is. I've seen so many horror movies with uninteresting camera techniques and forgettable dialogue/characters that I nearly gave up on watching new ones. However, this isn't the case for It.

To give credit where it's due, Stephen King's book is a phenomenal example of how fear can get the better of people, and how friendship can combat it. I feel that it really helps that this was based off a book and a previous attempt.

The 1990 miniseries is plagued with a somewhat non-scary tone and villain, but the movie had me on the edge of my seat. Even the jump-scares, which are a sad, reoccurring theme in modern horror movies, are creative. Thankfully, the villain is a shape-shifting clown. Creativity is something you need if you're a shape-shifting clown that feeds off of fear.  

Speaking of the villain, holy crap. Bill Skarsgard does a way better job at playing Pennywise than Tim Curry. The way his eyes move, the way he smiles, and the way he drools when looking at the children makes him very uncomfortable to look at for any length of time. Now, don't get me wrong, Tim Curry is a phenomenal actor. I just don't think I can take his depiction of Pennywise seriously.


Overall, I'd like to give this movie a 8.5/10. It's a perfect example of how an adaptation and a remake should be done.

My final thought: Is it just me, or are child actors way better than they were 10-15 years ago? 

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

The World's Most Interesting Chess Sets

The original strategy game, Chess, has survived quite a while. While the rules haven't changed in that "quite a while" nobody said all chess sets had to look the same. Here are a few of the World's Most Interesting Chess Sets.


I've always wanted a chess set that's unreliable to transport and where the pieces can fall off easily! Thanks, Etsy! 


 Got junk laying around? Crafty? Like chess? Then build your own damn chess set.


Have way too many bullets at your house? Same principle. Just remember that children under three years old can choke on bullets, so be careful.


Considering how Fox owns the rights to The Simpsons for the next 120 years, I think they should at least try to make the most of it.
Update (2018): At this rate, Disney will buy the rights to Chess and license the crap out of it.
Additional Update (2018): I own a Simpsons chess set now. 

Here's some chess pieces from an art piece, called "Good vs. Evil". Only one exists, so I don't think you can play it.


Everyone's here, Gandhi, a firefighter... Che Guevara? Well, I guess good and evil are relative terms, even if they're wrong. And why in the hell is Superman a pawn? I guess it made more sense to make Dr. King the king. Now if only they made Freddie Mercury the queen and Rick Harris the pawns, the balance of the universe would be even. 


That's better! They even put Freud in there where he belongs. That bag to his right is probably full of cocaine and documents about how prehistoric women used to braid their pubic hairs.

Here's a three-player chess set. If you ask me, I think I'd want to try this the most! That is, if I had friends who played chess. 


Here's a firefighters vs. cops set. If you ask me, I say the guys with the guns are gonna beat the guys with hoses. Also, German Shepards are better than Dalmatians because I said so.


They're facing the wrong way, spray 'em!

Here's an old video game called Battle Chess. The cool thing about this game is that when a piece takes another piece, you get to see a little battle animation. Even the (virtual) pieces look nice!



(Insert Dragon Ball Z power-up sound effect and screaming here)


Make no mistake, since the queen is the most powerful piece, she's the only one who knows magic. She will end you. She will end your army. Hail to the queen. Long live the queen. This segment of Jack's Pile of Pages is in no way sponsored by the British Royal Family. They can't even get dental.


Star Wars has had many chess sets over the years (George Lucas is a marketing wizard), and even a chess video game not unlike Battle Chess, mentioned above. This version is for the Sega-CD, Sega's first venture into CD-based gaming. The one thing most people remember about the Sega-CD was the revolutionary FULL MOTION VIDEO included! When a piece takes another piece, this happens:


If you've ever wanted to see Boba Fett die about half a dozen different times, now is the time to eat some popcorn.


If you've ever wanted to see C3-PO die about half a dozen different times, now is the time to eat some popcorn.


 This is the chess set that didn't exist when I was a child, and now does exist, and now I want it now.


Yeah, this is probably the best one. It's got trees. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to make my own chess set out of flash drives and butter.


Wednesday, August 30, 2017

The History of Ketchup



Ketchup. Put it on anything greasy, starchy, or salty, and it becomes even better. These days, ketchup comes in a wide variety of styles, serving mediums, and even ingredients. While enjoying a hot-dog one day, I pondered where ketchup came from. As it turns out, it's older than I thought it was, and not from where I thought it would come from.

Way back in the 17th century, the Chinese mixed a concoction of pickled fish and spices and called it ke-chiap. Yummy. Now, I know what you're thinking: This sounds nothing like ketchup! Yeah, I know. Surprising.

By the early 18th century, the popular table sauce had made it to the Malay states, where it was tasted by the ever-so culinary-challeneged English colonists. The Indonesian-Malay word for the sauce was kecap. That word evolved into the English word "ketchup". English settlers then took ketchup with them to the American colonies, where it evolved into a tomato paste.

The term Ketchup was used in 1690 in the Dictionary of the Canting Crew which was well acclaimed in North America. The spelling "catchup" may have also been used in the past, and the term "catsup" is still used today in some southern states. 

In fast food joints, ketchup is often dispensed in small packets.  In 2011, Heinz began offering a new measured-portion package, called the "Dip and Squeeze" packet, which allowed the consumer to either tear the top off the package and squeeze the contents out, as with the traditional packet, or, in the alternative, tear the front off the package and use the package as a dip cup of the type often supplied with certain entrĂ©es.

Previously, fast food outlets dispensed ketchup from pumps into paper cups. This method has made a resurgence in the first decade of the 21st century with cost and environmental concerns over the increasing use of individual packets. Take it from someone who worked at a fast food joint for two years: There is NEVER enough ketchup packets.

In October 2000, Heinz introduced colored ketchup products called EZ Squirt, which eventually included green, blue, and even purple. These products were made by adding food coloring to the traditional ketchup. As of January 2006 these products were discontinued.

I'm pretty sure that was for the best.


Looks like it's all ogre now.

 Oddly enough, there exist green tomatoes, so I suppose green ketchup isn't too out of the ordinary.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Lead in the Water

While lead has many properties beneficial to mankind, including, but not limited to: high density, a relatively low melting point, resistance to oxidation and rust, and abundance, which leaves little question as to why it is used in bullets, weights, solder, radiation shields, and even batteries and plumbing, certain things humans take for granted, lead has many, many disadvantages. Lead is extremely toxic, and can be either swallowed, touched, or even inhaled, can affect many different parts of the body. Thus, the Flint Crisis is no laughing matter, and provides serious health concerns, as lead poisoning due to contaminated water is far from a modern occurrence.

Thousands of years ago, early civilizations could easily extract lead ore from the earth, from the mineral galena. Galena also contained silver, so they were often mined together and even held with the same respect. Many historians argue that, since lead is found in so many ancient artifacts, that it could very well have been one of the first metals, along with copper, that were mined. The ancient Egyptians used it in cosmetics and their fishing weights, and is even mentioned in the Old Testament, being described as the slag that came from silver ore. Often, elements such as Gold (Au) and Iron (Fe) get their chemical symbols from Latin root words. Lead is symbolized as (Pb) from the Latin word plumbum. From this root word came many things associated with lead, such as plumb bob, plumbata (A sort of Ancient Roman throwing dart) and perhaps most famously, plumbing, plumber and plumb lines, as Rome was the first civilization with a plumbing system, using pipes made from lead.

Only the rich, ruling classes of Rome’s finest could afford the exotic luxury of lead plumbing and fancy leaded wine casks. Thus, the wealthier Roman citizens often suffered insomnia, hallucinations, partial blindness, irritability, lowered fertility, and other signs of deteriorating mental health. Chemical analysis of human remains from Roman tombs reveal staggering, increasing concentrations of lead. Several Roman emperors could have suffered the effects of madness brought on by lead poisoning. The evidence of lead poisoning and madness is so abundant that many historians list lead poisoning as a factor contributing to the fall of the Roman Empire.
Lead was seldom used in the Middle Ages, only used in the making of stained glass windows. However, lead was called into action once again with the rise of the industrial revolution and modern cities. With modern cities came modern plumbing, and thus, the cycle began again, and has now only recently been called into concern due to several “lead crises” such as Washington’s, and more recent, Flint.

To quote the Washington Post: “Flint’s water was contaminated when a state-appointed emergency manager, in a cost-cutting move, switched the city’s water supply from the Detroit system to the Flint River. State environmental officials failed to ensure that anti-corrosive chemicals were added to the water, allowing lead to leech from aging pipes.”

Lead will enter drinking water when iron service pipes that contain lead corrode, especially where the water has high acidity or low mineral content that corrodes pipes and fixtures. High levels of iron in distributed drinking water have been tested, and contain trace amounts of lead. When iron corrodes, and flakes off from the inside of pipes, the lead solder can break off much easier, leading to many unfortunate lead poisoning cases.

Lead solder can even be found in chrome or brass-plated faucets, which, when introduced to hot water, will break off into what is supposed to be potable water. Hot water dissolves white, powdery lead, turning the water a sickly yellow color.

Per the Journal of Chemical Education: “Lead is relatively insoluble in sulfuric and hydrochloric acid, but will dissolve in hot, concentrated nitric acid. Lead is slowly oxidized and carbonated in moist air and may he attacked by either pure water or weak acids in the presence of oxygen to form lead hydroxide.”,

In lay man’s terms, neither foods nor beverages should he stored in fancy antique pewter or soldered cans, which contain highly dangerous amounts of lead. Lead is resistant to hard water, hydrogen. fluoride, brine, and most solvents and is used industrially for storage and transport of many solvents, including cold sulfuric acid.

Often used in batteries, workers in lead-battery industries suffer both neurologic and reproductive damage, developing weak, slow, mutated sperm cells. Thus, these workers have a lower fertility rate than similar workers in non-lead, blue-collar industries. Similar results were obtained for the female workers who had not only a lower fertility rate but also a higher incidence of spontaneous abortions and deformed babies than comparable female workers in non-lead industries.

An increase in fetal death rates arose during the Washington water crisis, which affected Washington DC from 2000 to 2004, peaking in 2001. Lead abortion pills were used in the early 1900s, and the use of new lead pipe in potable water systems for cities without proper maintenance increased fetal mortality nearly threefold. Stillborn children, impotence, and even miscarriages were the result of ingesting these pills and drinking contaminated water.

Young children, infants, and fetuses are particularly vulnerable to lead because the physical and behavioral effects of lead occur at lower exposure levels in children than in adults. A dose of lead that would have little effect on an adult can have a significant effect on a child, since children are still growing and developing. In children, even very low levels of exposure have been linked to damage to the central and peripheral nervous system, learning disabilities, shorter stature, impaired hearing, and impaired formation and function of blood cells, all caused by stunted growth of the nervous system, a symptom of lead poisoning.

According to the EPA “Homes built before 1986 are more likely to have lead pipes, fixtures and solder. The Safe Drinking Water Act (SDWA) has reduced the maximum allowable lead content -- that is, content that is considered "lead-free" -- to be a weighted average of 0.25 percent calculated across the wetted surfaces of pipes, pipe fittings, plumbing fittings, and fixtures and 0.2 percent for solder and flux.”

Homes described above may have internal plumbing materials containing lead. Since one cannot see, taste, or smell lead dissolved in water, like you can with rusty water, testing is one of the only ways of telling whether if your water is safe to drink or not. Testing a home for contaminated water can cost up to $100, and is often less.

Many water filters and water treatment devices are certified by independent organizations for effective lead reduction, such as Brita filters, and as a more modern example, the Life Straw. Devices that are not designed to remove lead will not work, and should be tested often. One must verify the claims of manufacturers by checking with independent certifying organizations that provide lists of treatment devices they have certified.

In conclusion, lead poisoning can be found in all walks of life, and up until recent times, such as during Flint’s water crisis, Americans seldom worried about where, when and how lead worked. Only time will tell if Flint’s water crisis will be solved. Until then, the residents of Flint will need to rely on donated bottled water to use as potable water, which they’ll likely never see soon.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

The World's Most Expensive S'more

According to Wikipedia:

"S'mores are most typically cooked over a campfire by first roasting the marshmallow over the flame until it is golden brown. The marshmallow is then added on top of half of a graham cracker and a piece of chocolate. The second half of the cracker is then added on top. S'mores can also be made at home in the oven, in the microwave or by using a s'mores making kit. S'mores making kits such as Sterno's Family Fun S'mores Maker allow s'mores to be made anywhere over a portable flame."

That's what we're looking for in: The World's Most Expensive S'more!

First of all, we need some over-the-top expensive chocolate. Thankfully, this was easy to track down.

"Amedei Porcelana, a dark chocolate made by the Amedei chocolatier of Tuscany, Italy, is often called the world's most expensive chocolate. It has won various awards, including "Best bean to bar", "Best Dark Chocolate Bar", and the "Golden Bean award." Amedei is and was, at the time of these awards, a sponsor of the awarding body's parent organization."

Yummy

According to various sources, a bar of the stuff costs about 16 bucks, with a pound of it costing up to 90 bucks. We only need one S'more, so one bar should do the trick.

Next is the graham cracker. Truth be told, I couldn't find an outrageously expensive graham cracker. However, what's the difference between a cracker and a graham cracker? Just some sugar, if you ask me. However, I can find the world's most expensive cracker!

In 2015, a survival biscuit from one of the Titanic lifeboats sold for 23,000 smackaroos. Remove it from the wrapper, break it in half, sprinkle some honey and sugar on it, and it's a graham cracker.

Also yummy

Next: The marshmallows. I looked for a good hour without finding an actual expensive marshmallow. The only thing that came up were some stupid-looking chairs and a some Ghostbusters merchandise.

Oh dear Christ, not that one! 

Ebay gave me good results.

So, since this is my blog, I say that I should cut myself some slack. 


Target sells these square-shaped marshmallows for 2 bucks a bag. Not exactly expensive, I know. However, they're the right shape for us to hold the world's most lucrative s'more together. To make it fancy, how about some edible gold leaf?  


Also from Ebay, here's a single sheet of edible gold leaf, selling for 10 bucks. We have all the components we need... If you like cold s'mores. Which nobody likes. 

Finally, we need a fire! And a place for a fire! A fireplace! The world's most expensive fireplace! 


Ladies, gentlemen, and robots, this is the Aqueon Fireplace. "This modern fireplace happens to be the world’s first consumer hydrogen fireplace. Priced at $50,000, it is one of the most expensive fireplaces ever. This hi-tech fireplace does not even require a chimney. All it needs is access to tap water so that it can harvest hydrogen and produce a beautiful open flame. Not just that, this contemporary fireplace is designed like an artistic candle flame. Your guests will never stop talking about this one."

He bought that to make s'mores?

Getting our ol' calculator out, our "World's Most Expensive S'more" comes to about $73,028.

I think I'll just stick with what's affordable.