Star Wars: Death Troopers

Before I begin, I'd like to point out that there may be some MINOR SPOILERS in case if anyone's interested in actually reading this book. I'll avoid major plot twists, but tell as much as needed in order to paint a proper picture.

I love Star Wars. I grew up with Star Wars. It's hard to deny the cultural impact of the franchise, as it has reached literally every medium of entertainment that I can think of. Comics, TV shows, a friggin' Christmas special of all things, and books, to name a few. The books in particular helped inflate the lore and canon of the Star Wars universe, and prior to Disney rebooting Star Wars, there's a figurative galaxy's worth of stories from the Star Wars expanded universe, now called "Legends".

Don't get me wrong. Not all of the Legends universe is all fine and dandy. Yes, you'll get the occasional Shadows of the Empire and Knights of the Old Republic stories, but prior to Disney's reboot, there was a lot of junk in the canon. To save you all time and sanity, I won't get into that... Yet.

I will, however, give you my thoughts about one of the last expanded universe books published, and how bat-guano crazy and awesome it is at the same time. None other than Death Troopers.

It seems that, despite the overwhelming inflation of zombie video games, movies and books, even Star Wars had to have a piece of the action.

Published in 2009, Death Troopers takes place one year before A New Hope. An imperial prison barge is making its way through the galaxy. Suddenly, the engines fail, and a team is sent in to retrieve spare parts from a nearby derelict Star Destroyer. After returning, the crew and inmates begin to suffer from an illness, causing immense pain and swelling, killing victims within hours and bringing their corpses back to life. It's up to two brothers, an imperial officer, the ship's doctor, and a couple of familiar faces to figure out the origins of the disease, how to stop it, and how to escape with their lives.

During the beginning, it feels like your typical Star Wars story. Around halfway is where things get violent, disturbing, and even gruesome. I can say, at least in terms of a Star Wars book, the descriptions are some of the most detailed and horrific. I'm not going to lie, it gets downright sadistic at points. Not to mention, when I think of Star Wars, I don't really imagine a lot of blood. There is some blood in the movies, and a bit more in the video games, but this goes above and beyond that.

It has all the right twists and turns of a great thriller, the scares of a zombie flick, but still manages to capture some level of Star Wars charm with its characters and setting. While I originally scoffed at the idea of zombies in Star Wars, Death Troopers gives a lore-friendly explanation to how the disease works, and of its origins and creation. And trust me, once you get to know these characters, you'll want to see them make it out alive and in one piece.

In conclusion, as both a zombie story, and a Star Wars story, Death Troopers manages to stand out, and yet, feels very familiar. If you can get your hands on a copy, I say give it a read. But if you'd rather listen to it, there's an awesome audio book version presented by Audible. It has sounds, music, and wonderful narration. If you love Star Wars and you're looking for something spooky to read, do yourself a favor and give it a try. If you're a zombie fanatic and want to learn a bit about Star Wars... How have you NOT seen Star Wars?! Sheesh, you call yourself a nerd and have never seen any of the movies? Do yourself a favor and watch the movies right now! Don't worry, you don't have to see Phantom Menace. You will be forgiven if you skip that one.

Death By Laughter

Death isn't funny. None of us truly know the answer to what happens after your heart stops, your brain stops sending electrical signals through your body, and you'll be stuck in the ground for a while. Some are afraid of death, and some embrace it as just another path in existence, but it is no laughing matter. Except when it is. Then, it's kinda funny.

"Dying of Laughter" is a term people use to describe when they've started to laugh so hard, they can't breathe for about 10 seconds. These same people also like to use the term "Literally" in almost every wrong way. No, you literally didn't die of laughter. You are a liar, and should be ashamed of yourself. Stop using "Literally" to describe everything. You are destroying a beautiful language.

But, in some very real cases, people have perished due to laughing. You'll have to forgive me if I find these funny, but to me, there's no better way to go out than with a smile. You can trust me. Can't you? Trick question: You can't, but I say you can, because I too, am a liar. That being said, here are a few cases where people have literally died of laughter.

First, I should talk about real-world laughing gas. We know it as N2O, or simply as nitrous oxide. This is the stuff that makes expensive cars go fast, what dentists use to make the pain go away, and the stuff that junkies put inside their bodies every time they use whippets. If enough of this stuff is in your system, oxygen won't be able to flow through your blood, and you'll eventually pass out, or even die. Don't do drugs, kids.

No joke, this crap will kill you.

But, what about non-chemical factors? What about naturally laughing to death? Well, we've got plenty of examples here for you!

The first example comes from Ancient Greece, like all good stories. 

There once was a man named Chrysippus. He was a philosopher, which isn't saying much, as this was Ancient Greece. From what I could gather, he was a pretty smart dude with a pretty awesome beard. He wrote about many rules of logic, and overall, he probably had a better grip on reality than I do. I know, what a jerk.

Now, the circumstances of his death are quite odd. One account says he died laughing after witnessing a donkey eat some figs. I'll give you a moment to create a mental image of that. A donkey eating figs. The story does say that he was drunk, so I guess if you're blowing .04%, you find a lot of things funny, like women's tennis, The Notebook, and watching a donkey eat figs.

Our second example for today comes from Medieval Europe.

Martin of Aragon was an old, fat king. When his brother croaked without any heirs, he took the throne for himself, and spent most of his time waging wars in North Africa and trying to keep the throne away from the many Sicilian nobles who wanted the throne to themselves. This was back when Sicily wasn't considered part of Italy, and demanded respect, I guess.

I won't go into detail about how many children this dude had, and how he failed to secure the throne for one of his sons, but I will say this: Obesity and laughing at the top of your lungs do not mix. The details of his death aren't exactly clear, but I imagined he died thinking "Dude, Italy looks like a boot, and it's kicking us!".

The last example for today is a bit odd, as it requires a bit of perspective.

Please forgive me for the fact that there's a man in blackface pretending to be Muhammad Ali. This was the 1970s.

Anyway, this is from an episode of The Goodies, a British comedy TV series. So, the plot is that Bill is teaching his friends about the might and power of Ecky-Thump, a Lancastrian martial art that involves bashing people over the head with black pudding. His friends, Tim and Graeme, don't believe him, and challenge him to one-on-one combat by using made-up martial arts.

Anyway, a 50-something bricklayer saw this scene, and couldn't stop laughing for 25 minutes. He stopped eventually, but he died. Instead of receiving a lawsuit from the man's widow, Bill, Tim and Graeme were given a letter, thanking them for making her husband's final moments wonderful. The man did have heart problems beforehand, but it's the laughing which caused his heart to give up.

Out of all the ways you could ever expect to go out, we should follow this man's example, and live life as it is. We all are born, we live, and we die. We are not born to die, but to live our lives happy, and with the ones we love. The best you can hope for after a long life is a nice, pleasant death. And you have to admit, that episode was funny as hell.

A History of Werewolves

I've chosen my costume for this Halloween season. I've gone with a werewolf. I know, cool? Actually, I never really considered it until I went to Party City (Yes, the exact same Party City as before) and found myself an "Ani Motion Werewolf Mask" not unlike this one:

I know, spooky, ain't it?

So, I went on and thought to myself: "Why is it that werewolves wear flannel and jeans?". Actually, it's a very good question. In fact, it's a good enough question for me to go on over to Wikipedia and a few other sites to find out the history of these magical, flea-bitten, feral, ferocious, fanged, fluffy freaks!

Alliteration is fun.

Let's begin.

While rarely showing up in actual historical context outside of witchcraft, the first mentions of a man-wolf monster shows up in classical antiquity, and there are mentions of men turning into wolves from Germanic paganism from around the same time. Like many cool monsters, there's mention of a man being turned into a wolf in the tale of Lycaon. And what's a Greek tale without the abusive father of the gods, Zeus?

Bad dog! Now you go outside!

Lycaon wanted to test if Zeus was really who he claimed to be. Being a genius, he cooked his son and fed him to Zeus. Zeus was like "Nah man, this is your son! BAM! You're a wolf now!" The moral of the story? Don't cook people and feed them to gods. Since gods know everything, they'll see it coming. In turn, they'll turn you into a man-eating beast as a show of "There, now you try and eat people. Have fun while I bring your son back from the dead! Let's see how happy he'll be once he wakes up on a plate in front of a shoddy-looking mascot!"

There's not much mention of man-wolves in the early medieval times, aside from some old tales from ancient Germanic tribes. Come the 15th and 16th centuries, and there were stories of witchcraft, paganism spreading wild, and even tales of cannibalism and people rising from the dead. One such tale comes from France, like all good stories involving exotic culinary adventures. A hermit known as Gilles Garnier was found guilty of witchcraft, cannibalism, and being a werewolf. 

Not a very flattering picture, but it's the only one I could find.

During his trial, he said that a ghost gave him a magic potion. He wanted to ease his hunger by turning into a wolf. This didn't go over well with the court, as confessing that a ghost gave you a magic potion to turn you into a wolf-man to devour the flesh of human children wasn't a good idea, when even being accused of witchcraft would land you a spot on the burning stake. Needless to say, Gilles was burned at the stake. Surprisingly, the inquisition was busy or something, and local authorities were the ones to start the wolf barbecue. Gilles would be one of many to die at the hands of a "Werewolf Witch Trial". I'm inclined to believe that vampires, witches, werewolves and the like were just blanket terms for "Spooky people we need to burn" by the church.

Oh yeah, I should also mention that Werecats are also a thing. In Asia, Africa, and Pre-Colombian America, there were thought to be men and women who could change into leopards, lions, jaguars, tigers, and the like. Though, these were less taboo, as I guess cats are known to eat less people than wolves. 

Ever since Bram Stoker's Dracula, wolves and vampires have had some sort of connection. As, in the book, Dracula demonstrates that he can communicate with animals (Such as wolves) and turn into animals (Such as wolves). 

From then on, films like Werewolf of London and The Wolf Man have laid the ground rules for werewolves, and brought the idea of a wolf-man into pop culture. While Underworld and Twilight changed things up a bit, the basic formula has stayed the same. Moon good. Silver bad. Awoo.  

Jack's Top 15 Favorite Halloween Candies!

Yeah, I'm about 250 pounds, but I don't care. Candy is delicious, good for your soul, and way better for immediate relief than drugs or alcohol. What better way to celebrate the spooky season than showing you sugary treats to shove down your gobs, come the night of All Hallows Eve?

Honorable Mentions:

The treats that didn't quite make it. While not inherently good or bad, they're just not good enough. However, through either flavor, gimmick, or something else, they'll have a special place in this season of spooky. 

Toxic Waste

"The Sourest Candy in the World" is just that. Not really big on flavor, but my, oh my, does it sting when you put two of them in your mouth at the same time. No joke, one time, after trying to handle three of them in my mouth, my tongue actually started to bleed. I'm not even joking, this is strong stuff. It's not easy to find, but if you enjoy hurting yourself and melting your taste buds, this is the candy for you.

Scorpion Lollipops

And now, for a different kind of bite, while the candy itself isn't very good, having a bland blueberry, strawberry, or green apple taste, it's primarily a novelty candy, and should be certain to scare the pants off a kid when he finds it in his plastic pumpkin.

Candy Corn

Not many people like these. I don't either. Some people do, and those people are Stalinists Aliens rare to come by. They're sweet, but something's off about them.

Oreos

Are they cookies? Yes. Are they delicious? Yes. Are cookies technically candy? I say no. Sorry, Oreo lovers (I'm looking at you, Nick and Tony) but Oreos, even of the Halloween variety, are going to have to be on a list of best cookies or comfort foods, if I'm ever inclined to believe that I could or should make such a list. 

#15: Almond Joys (And by extension, Mounds)

Let's face it. Most kids hate coconut. But when they bring these home, mom and dad have plenty of reasons to dip their hands into the candy piles. When I came home with these, my dad would always ask for these, and hating coconut, I let him have it. Kids, if you're inclined to give your parents a little bit of candy, give them these. However, my mom wasn't so easily swayed by these, but we'll get to that in a minute.

#14: Butterfingers

This is proof that sweet and salty go together.

#13: Blow Pops and Tootsie Pops

I like to put these in the same category. But if I had to pick one, I'd say I prefer Blow Pops. They don't have that nasty brown flavored ones like Tootsie Pops. Is that brown flavor supposed to be chocolate? It doesn't fit or make sense.

#12: Milk Duds

Okay, I admit. These are only on here for being one of my personal favorite movie theater candies. It's not super-high on this list, because in terms of Halloween candy, I've got better candidates. Sorry, Milk Duds, in the interest of fairness, you're only this high on the list.

#11: Warheads

While certainly not as sour as Toxic Waste, it's much more available, tastier, and overall, better. These things are the kings of hard, sour candies. Put two in your mouth and see what face you make. You'll probably get famous on Instagram or something. Try it. I dare you.

#10: Nerds

I have no clue why these things are called "nerds" but it doesn't really matter. I always enjoyed ripping the top off of one of these little boxes and shooting it down my gob like a tequila shot. Tart, and just a teensy bit sour in some cases, these are fun to eat.

#9: Starbursts

These chewy, fruity candies really only have one downside. You've gotta unwrap them individually, and unlike other candies, they're not easy to unwrap. That costs it some points, but hey, it beat dozens of fruity candies I was considering.

#8: Sour Patch Kids

And now, for the best of the sour gummy candies. I was originally going to put down Sour Punch Straws, but for the life of me, I don't remember getting those for Halloween, ever. Whatever, they're both awesome.

#7: Skittles

Coming in a rainbow of variations, and by extension, a rainbow of flavors, these things are the go-to movie theater candy for many, and earns the #7 spot on this list for being plentiful in every plastic pail.

#6: Twix

Snickers, Three Musketeers, and many others were considered. But for me, I just like the simplicity of the chocolate, biscuit, and caramel. But as far as satisfying crunches go, it's just short of the next contestant.

#5: Kit Kats

We get it, Kit Kat, these things make a crunchy noise. We love the crunchy noise, and we know they make a crunchy noise. You don't have to keep selling it to us like that. We all know.

#4: Hershey's Bars

This is what makes a summer campfire special, but it's what nearly completes a night of trick-or-treating. It doesn't matter what shape or size these come in, or even if they have almonds, Hershey's is the company it is today thanks to this chocolate bar.

#3: Tootsie Rolls

My mother, bless her heart, loves these things to death. And so do I, and so do many others. I know I mentioned the Tootsie Pop earlier in this list, but there's something special about the Tootsie Roll itself. Whether in the little individually wrapped ones, or one of those big, long ones, there's something special about being chocolatey and chewy at the same time.

Runner Up: M&M's

Yeah, they'll melt in your mouth, but they'll also melt in your pocket. I've seen it happen. Doesn't matter. Mars had the right idea, and not many candies get to become their own ice cream flavor. With so many variations around every major holiday, it's hard not to see these hard candies in a grocery store or a gas station.

Winner: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups

Do you love chocolate? Do you love peanut butter? Do you not mind your mouth getting a little dry? Not if you're like many people who love these things. Even beating Hershey's Bars and M&M's, there's no nonsense about this candy.

So I Went to Party City

To be completely honest with you all, Halloween costumes and decorations have always been goofy. This year, they've gotten goofier.

Okay, I'm concerned that my phone actually recognized this as a face. Then again, if I need to sneak into the Court of Owls again, I know where to look.

Moooom! Tommy's playing Sweeney Todd with the cat again!

Now you too can scare the crap out of every passing police officer!

Insert Hamlet joke here.

Well, "Life-Sized" is offensive to the living-impaired.

It's a culture, not a costume!

14 bucks sounds steep. Real blood is way cheaper, in my opinion.

Because a plastic shield was too dangerous for little Billy.

The now-extinct Glowing Tarantula was never able to catch its prey. They could never really hide.

The curse of Snoop Dogg sounded pleasant at the time.

Now you too can have a garage that smells like corn syrup!

It is too late, senpai, I have seen the light-desu!

The most horrific way to tickle someone, in my humble opinion.

My Trip to the Trail of Terror, AKA: How to Mess With Spooky People, Part 2

So, the rest of the night, I decided to take part in the "Scare Houses" or scary mazes, as they're known. Usually, it's the same schtick or set of schticks. A clown house, an asylum, sometimes both at the same time. The spooky people pop out of the darkness, and the spookiness ensues.

Now, I actually like going through spook houses. No, it's not just because I enjoy a good scare, it's because it's fun to mess with the actors. Keep in mind, if you work in one of these places, I have only one thing to say. You and the folks you work with make Halloween a bit more special, like the old man who dresses up as Santa Claus. It wouldn't be the same without you. Keep on being spooky. That being said, here's a few personal tips I've developed on how to have more fun at these spooky houses.

WORD OF WARNING: You're not allowed to touch the actors. People have tried, people have been kicked out. They don't touch you, and you don't touch them. It's like a gentleman's club, only the people who work there are wearing a lot more makeup. How I go about doing this involves playing by the rules of the creepy clowns and the masked murderers.

Tip #1: Expect the Unexpected
People will come out of the walls, lights will flash, and your senses will betray you. Even if it seems like it's over, it isn't. It might not be.

Tip #2: Watch For Corners
Like any lame-ass horror movie or video game, they'll be around the corners. Watch for the corners, and you'll be fine. Just pretend you're in a video game. Because as we all know, people love to emulate violent video games!

Tip #3: Mess Back
If you're in there just to get scared, I have no problems with that. However, you have a bit of friendly fun with the performers by scaring them back. If one of them goes up to you and tries to mess with you, you mess with them back. If you can't think of anything clever to say, just yell something completely absurd. Anything. Seriously, the more mundane, the better.

Well, I can tell I'm gonna have it in for me next year at Trail of Terror. Either that, or I might have just ruined the experience.

My Trip to the Trail of Terror, AKA: How to Mess With Spooky People, Part 1

Through high school, and to be honest, up until recently, I never considered going to the Trail of Terror. I'm usually not a gigantic fan of carnivals, fairs, and the like, but more importantly. I usually have nobody to go with.

Well, after a long and boring shift at my job, I decided "Why not?" and drove on over to Shakopee; about a 20 minute drive, given traffic wasn't brain-clottingly frustrating to get through.

So, as I'm unable to share everything I did while there, I can at least give you all the highlights.

Zombie Paintball! It wasn't as cool as I thought it would be. In a nutshell, you're given 100 glow in the dark paintballs, then walk from one area to the next, blasting "Zombies" wearing heavily-padded clothing and helmets until they fall down. We were told not to shoot them in the head, which I know are the rules of paintball, but it ruins the fun of shooting a zombie in the head. All and all, it at least keeps you on your toes and encourages teamwork. For $15, it's something to do. Just be ready to sign a waiver. Paintball equipment is fragile, and it ain't cheap.

I'm not entirely sure why there was a "Karoake" trailer at a Halloween-themed fair, and not entirely sure why a group of drunk 20-somethings think they can sing "Bohemian Rhapsody", but I now know I can totally rock Kid Rock's "Bawidabaw". So, there's something.

Homemade lolipops at their finest. 'Nuff said. For $10 bucks, I was able to stuff my face with enough sugar to change my genetic code.

"I know Namco might sue us, but damn it, we need ghosts!"

Stay tuned for part dos, where I talk about the really scary stuff!