Fire and Ice - Movie Review

20th Century Fox - 1983

No, they're not going to swordfight during sex, despite your quick glance at the title.

In this second helping of a Bakshi movie this month, we'll be taking a look at the animated fantasy epic, Fire and Ice. In my search for a truly awful Ralph Bakshi movie, I decided to take at the one that looked the most like a Conan ripoff. Believe me, those thrived in the '80s. I should also point out that I don't look at major review sites for opinions before I watch movies that I review, because I don't want to give that kind of impression. So, in the beginning of my journey, I had no clue what it'd be like.

Speaking of Conan, Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, who wrote a few Marvel-published Conan comic books, worked on this film's screenplay. I myself have not read those comics, but I have sort of high hopes for their ability to write an epic fantasy screenplay, considering that there's two of them, and Marvel paid them more than once.

In addition, the film is a collaboration between Bakshi and artist Frank Frazetta. Frank Frazetta is mostly known for doing badass fantasy art, some of which you may have seen if you've toured a comic book shop, thrift store, or record store. Not to oversell the man, but his work is fantastic. I don't own any physical media to commemorate my love for him besides the cover of a Conan book where he's about to tear an ape-man a new one with a dagger.

Art by Frank Frazetta. Oil on Canvas. Please don't sue me.

So, is it fair after all to compare this to Conan when several Conan collaborators culminated to creatively craft? Let's find out. But first, the plot.

Also yes, it uses rotoscoping, like in American Pop. A lot of Bakshi's work does that. A lot being more than once.

First and foremost, this is your typical epic fantasy movie. Picture a typical epic fantasy movie, and you've got Fire and Ice, basically. My main gripe with Fire and Ice is the lack of new ground it treads when it comes to epic fantasy movies. Yes, it's an animated epic fantasy movie, but Ralph Bakshi did all that and more with his own version of The Lord of the Rings. In fact, this movie is so tropey at first, it almost seems like a parody of an epic fantasy.

Heroic barbarian: Check. Evil wizard with an evil-sounding name: Check. Side-character with edgy name: Check. Scantily-clad princess: Check. Basically inhuman mooks serving said evil wizard: Check. Evil force trying to swallow the forces of fire/light: Double check. When all of those elements are in play, you can almost yell a play-by-play beforehand. Normally, I wouldn't mind any of these, usually because I've seen so many Conan rip-offs and parodies over the years.

Here's the thing: This movie is not good. It is also not bad. It is painfully average. I was hoping for a massive stinker, but I got mostly nothing. It's not a bang. It's not a bust. It's a yawn. Usually, a movie like this would need to amp up the sex and violence to stand in league with Conan, but it doesn't. It's basically the margarine of Conan. The diet coke of Conan. Just one calorie. Not Conan enough.

You want me to explain the plot? Okay then. Wizard evil. Cold evil. Cold go toward warm. Warm princess good. Cold henchmen kidnap warm princess. Barbarian hero save princess. End. Average. Non-offensive.

I rate Fire and Ice a 6/10. If I did ratings in quarters, I would give it a 6.25 for it being animated and somewhat interesting because of that, but I don't do that.

Really, this movie wasn't much to talk about. I guess you could find it entertaining, but I wouldn't see many people enjoying it enough for a second helping. I sure as heck wouldn't see it a second time. For at least a while. I'm going to find a Bakshi movie that's bad or offensive to sate you all.

Go away, I'll be busy looking for a while.

American Pop - Movie Review

Columbia Pictures - 1981

Rotoscope is rotodope!

I'mma be real with you. I didn't have the best experience with Ralph Bakshi's films at first. I was prepared to bash Baskhi for the entirety of July, starting the day after Independence Day. Here's the thing, Ralph Baskhi tells stories in animation that you don't get anymore. Adult animated films aren't really things anymore unless you count Sausage Party, and that's a flick not really worth your time, because it's more or less some stupid stoner comedy barfed out by Seth Rogan. And hey, the movie I'm talking about today didn't treat its animators like crap.

Heu heu heu heu... What if we had a movie where food smoked weed, too?

American Pop is the story of an immigrant, his life story, and the life stories of his descendants. Through 4 generations of entertainers, we get to see how music, culture, and the American life evolves. Really, if you ask me, is there anything more American than an immigrant? I don't mean to get political in this movie review, but... If you're not a Native American, and you're complaining about immigrants, you're a piece of crap.

The movie, like some other of Bakshi's films, uses rotoscope animation. Basically, you trace over live actors to get more realistic movement in animation. In some scenes, it can get a little creepy, but for the most part, it's fine. I guess. Rotoscoping isn't used too frequently, but if you ask me, it looks way better than what Cartoon Network uses to animate their shows today. I'd say the names of specific shows, but I don't want death threats sent to me.

At its heart, American Pop is a period piece, or rather several period pieces in one movie, bridged by a character aging and moving onto the next time period. The 20th century saw some of the most influential changes in American history; The Great Depression, The World Wars, jazz, rock n' roll, and so much more are shown in their appropriate times, and serve as set-pieces and plot points.

Speaking of jazz and rock n' roll, the movie uses period-appropriate music in certain scenes, and it does show how much entertainment changed over the decades, but to some hilarious results. The last main character, Pete, claims to have wrote the song Night Moves. Bob Seger's gonna cut a fool once he finds out that a heartland rock Yoshikage Kira stole his song and made money off of it.

Still, this movie is worth your time. It's got sex, it's got violence, and it's got heart. I can't really think of any other movie quite like it. It's no masterpiece, but if you ask me, it's one of Bakshi's best films. I thought I would be spending this month bashing Bakshi, but at random, I guess I picked one of the best animated movies I've seen in years.

I rate American Pop as a 7.5/10

My Final Thought: I'm gonna need to pick out something offensive and/or awful for the next review.

The Avengers - Movie Review

 Warner Brothers - 1998

Shean Connery ishe going to shmack that hat of of your head.

Yeah, this was a dumb joke. Sue me, Nostalgia Critic. I said I was going to review The Avengers, and boy howdy, am I going to review The Avengers. This movie is the reason the first MCU Avengers movie is called Avengers Assemble in the UK. I understand the confusion, but unless if you saw the old TV show on the telly or saw this movie, I think Marvel's The Avengers is what should come to mind. 

Yeah, this movie is based on an old TV show. I've never seen it, but I'm imagining it falls into the same hole as The Man from UNCLE or Mission Impossible. If those two classic spy TV shows managed to spawn successful and decent movies, why did this one get left in the dirt? You're about to find out, folks.

So, we have a decent cast. The Bride, Voldemort, and James Bond himself. With a budget of 60 million smackaroos in 1998, you could make a decent spy movie. Well, aren't you wrong. Go to your corner and think about what you've done. Like the last "avenger" movie I reviewed, the elements work, but the final product is crap. Believe it or not, this movie is awful. But why? Why does a movie like this deserve a golden raspberry award?

As far as I care, the original series had a bit of comedy in it, but the opening scene is awkward. In fact, a lot of the movie is awkward. Usually in comedic spy movies, cliches tend to pop up. In this movie, they're dumb. They're really dumb. They're really, really dumb. 

Character dialogue is awkward, too. I don't think whoever wrote this had much experience writing complex characters. Usually, spies are cold and somewhat emotionless, but an unexperienced writer may confuse this as "robotic". Without going into to much of a rant, none of the characters are interesting. You want to know the most interesting part? A female character is called "Father" and a male character is called "Mother". How cryptic. 

Characters tend to do things that don't make sense in a narrative sense. The thing about a genre movie such as this concerns tropes. You can't just throw a bunch of tropes into a work of art and expect it to be unique. Instead, it tends to be tired. This movie has all the elements of a spy movie, but isn't enjoyable, and ends up being uninspired. Take the first Austin Powers movie. It's a comedy spy movie, but instead of just throwing elements in, it managed to create a story and funny dialogue first, and then threw in the spy elements. Boom, you have a classic. But when you have fancy characters just talking while driving a car and drinking tea, you have nothing. Yes, spies are fancy, but why should I care about it?

It's almost as if... Yes. They just threw in a bunch of spy tropes together. I can say that the movie has great set-pieces and acting, but that's about it. I'm currently writing this review as I'm watching it. 20 minutes in, and we finally get to Sean Connery. He blathers a bunch of nonsense about a fake-looking flower. How do you even write a scene like this? 

Remember when I said how the characters act robotic? I was going to follow that up with something, but friggin' Voldemort is in a scene that makes absolutely no sense. And now it begins to snow. At least a good half foot, with no indication of how. Is it some kid of Cobra Commander weather control device? Who cares. A clone or something of Uma Thurman shows up and shoots him. Then he wakes up, and talks like a total robot to a robotically-speaking Uma Thurman.

What I've just described to you happens in the first 25 minutes. To say that this movie is unfocused is an understatement. The characters discuss things that are unimportant to the plot, and try to act classy. As I type this, Sean Connery is dressed as a black teddy bear talking to a comitte of a dozen colored teddy bears. This movie is not worth my time at all, and it certainly isn't worth yours. 

Even a bad movie, I can finish and give my full thoughts on it, but I've already told you all what's wrong with this movie, and it's only the 30 minute mark. I don't think I've reviewed a movie this bad. This movie makes me angry, and I'm not kidding. 

My Final Thoughts: Don't watch this movie. I've seen content you can watch for free on YouTube that's better than this, and with almost none of the cost. For free. I can't even rate this movie. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ponder how movies like this get made. Believe me when I say, it's not the enjoyable kind of bad.

Avenger - TV Movie Review

Turner Network Television - 2006

Even without a cowboy hat, Sam Elliott is more of a man than you'll ever be.

A badass played by Sam Elliot is sent on a mission of revenge and truth.

That's the perfect formula for a nice little TV movie. After seeing some quick reviews online, I thought this would be a kinda okay movie, but it is not, which is disappointing. If you ask me, if a movie isn't interesting, it isn't worth your time, and for a 90 minute TV movie, it doesn't get interesting until the hour mark. That's a bad sign.

Up until the hour mark, it's just Sam Elliott walking around getting information about some guy's son who was murdered for reasons. That's how much this movie gripped me, I can't even remember character names and motives that well. 

With Toxic Avenger and Crippled Avengers, I had things to talk about. For an action thriller, Avenger is boring for more than half of the movie. Want to know when you can have a bathroom break when watching this movie? There's a good chunk of it you can skip, I promise you. 

By the time Sam Elliott gets to South Africa to stop some nuclear plot or whatever, you won't care, because the payoff isn't even that good. This movie has many elements that make a movie great, like acting, dialogue and even effects, but with a weak story, it all falls apart. Not spectacularly, not with a flop, but with a yawn.

The movie does have some genuinely good moments, but it didn't really grip my attention. If you're a Sam Elliott fan, this may be a little disappointing. I understand this is a TV movie, but I can't imagine this gripping my attention on a lazy Saturday on FX, like the fifty Fast and Furious movies. Then again, this didn't air on FX, so you're safe if you watch FX a lot.

My final verdict: 4.5/10

And don't worry, you won't have to wait long until I actually review The Avengers. I did these to hook people in. (All 4 of you who read this)

And you won't even have to wait long for my review of The Avengers! 

The Toxic Avenger - Movie Review

Troma Entertainment - 1984

I'm 256 pounds of solid nerd, and I'm still me.

Troma isn't known for high-quality movies, they're known for crap like this. But this movie may be the most bestest pile of crap in the entire universe. Take everything I said about Army of Darkness and turn it up to SMH levels of WTF. You read me, kiddos? Yeah, you read me.

So, we've got this place called Tromaville (Subtle), which just so happens to be the mecca of garbage. Of course, it's in New Jersey. I think Troma has something to say about New Jersey, but then again, I don't think anybody from the garden state has seen this movie. I hope.

There's this dork named Melvin, and some violent, idiotic, racist bullies hate him, and get him into a barrel of toxic waste. So, Melvin is kinda like Bruce Banner, but not to such an extreme extent. So, Melvin gets turned into Toxie, the Toxic Avenger, and goes on a mission to fight all the bad guys and get revenge on the bullies.

It's weird. This movie is a combination of a superhero action movie and a slasher movie. Toxie just goes around mutilating awful people in some of the most horrific ways possible. I commend the special effects, and they're incredibly gruesome. Think Tom Savini's work, but on less of a budget. You see a kid's face get run over, and a criminal's hands getting deep-fried.

I can't describe the movie any further without just flat-out saying what happens in the scenes, but unlike Crippled Avengers, that wouldn't do it justice. Watch this movie if you get the chance. I'm not saying that this is some underground cult hit, because it was successful enough to spawn:

Three Sequels

A Comic Book

A Freaking Cartoon

And Even a Musical!

My Final Rating: 7.5/10

Final Thoughts: Don't fall into a vat of toxic waste.

Crippled Avengers - Movie Review

Shaw Brothers - 1978

Pick a title, fellas.

Also known as Mortal Combat, Return of the Five Deadly Venoms, and a bunch of non-English names, Crippled Avengers is perhaps one of the only films of its kind to feature characters with disabilities, which immediatly sets it apart from other martial arts films of the time, where the main heroes are usually unstoppable badasses. However, like a lot of films with strange titles from the late 70s, this is not an exploitation film at all, thank God. If you ask me, 98% of exploitation movies aren't worth your time, but I digress. This is a story of revenge. friendship, and overcoming obstacles. But how does the film stack up to others of its kind? Let's go over the plot so you can draw your own conclusions, then I'll throw some number at you, pretending I'm some big-shot film critic.

Also, be warned: Nobody has an English-sounding name, so this may be a bit difficult to follow.

So, there's this guy named Chu Twin. His wife and son are attacked by some jerks. Being a master of "Tiger Kung-Fu", Chu Twin kicks their butts easily. His wife dies from injuries, and his son Chu Cho Chang has his arms cut off at the elbows. He grows up, gets a pair of sweet extendable, dart-shooting iron hands, learns kung-fu, and manages to cripple the sons of the men who had his arms chopped off.

Now, had this been your typical revenge story, it would be over by now. This isn't your typical revenge story. Turns out, Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho are jerks as well, and they continue to cripple innocent people who look at them funny, bump into them, or talk back at them. It's a little jarring to have victims become villains just like that, but sometimes, that's how revenge happens. An eye for an eye, and sometimes more.

One character is turned into a deaf mute, one is blinded, and one has his legs chopped off. Now Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho are full-on, irredeemable villains. A wandering kung-fu master tries to avenge them, but he's defeated, and is given perhaps the worst treatment out of all of our heroes: having his head squeezed in a vice until he has permanent brain damage. Don't show this movie to your kids, by the way.

The four crippled heroes go on to train at a kung-fu school, and after three years of training (and a pair of metal legs, crafted by the deaf mute, a blacksmith) the four set on for their revenge against Chu Twin, who has taken over the town. Oh yeah, Chu Twin has a bunch of goons that he uses to bully the town, which gets worse when his birthday comes around.

In the end however, Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho, as well as all of the cronies, underestimate the four crippled avengers, and although the brain-damaged avenger dies in the penultimate battle against Chu Chang Cho, the remaining three avengers manage to overwhelm Chu Twin and kill him with the iron feet. The three friends walk past the bodies, their job now done.

If you like old martial arts movies, give this one a watch. I can at least say it's not a waste of time. It stands out without exploiting the disabled like some grindhouse movies do.

My Final Verdict: 7/10

Now, if you were expecting a different kind of avenger, don't worry. Everyone's most favorite irradiated, hulking avenger will get a review of his own next week.

The Biggest Douche of the Year: 2018 (Not for Everyone)

First off: I know what you're thinking. No, it's not Trump. If you ask me, Trump is a deplorable, disgusting human being. But on the other hand, he's a politician and a businessman. For this new segment on Jack's Pile of Pages, politicians and businessmen are disqualified. No professionals. 

Today's subject needs no introduction. In fact, it shouldn't have been easy to top this individual for the entirety of 2018. Several people came close, but exploitation of suicide is an unforgivable offense. 

Ladies and other gender, this is Logan Paul. On December 31st, 2017, Paul uploaded a video to YouTube in which he visited Aokigahara, a forest on Mt. Fuji in Japan colloquially known as the "Suicide Forest" for the unusually high number of suicides that take place there. The video has since been deleted, but received over at least 6.2 million views before then. In the video, Paul finds a body hanging.

I know, it happened on 2017, but the backlash happened during 2018. Give me a break.

Suicide isn't a joke. The least he could have done is not wear an alien hat. An alien hat, you say?

Here's a mirror of the video Logan doesn't want you to see.

What followed shouldn't surprise you.

It's very clear Logan only did this for attention. 

It took YouTube, his main source of income, way too long to punish him. Post a parody on YouTube, and you get demonetized. If you make YouTube money, they'll consider it.

 

Here's Logan in a shitty disguise asking people about the incident, while his reaction to seeing a dead body is next to "Channel 69".

And for those of you wondering:

This is how sorry Logan is for exploiting suicide. This man is worth millions of dollars. If your children watch his content, show them this.

In conclusion, suicide is not a joke. Always remember that there are people who will support and love you. If you even have a small thought about hurting yourself, consider how much it would hurt your loved ones if you died. Call 1-800-273-8255 if you feel like there isn't a way out. Remember, your death would mean nothing to people like Logan Paul. Let's try and start 2019 off right.