The Avengers - Movie Review

 Warner Brothers - 1998

Shean Connery ishe going to shmack that hat of of your head.

Yeah, this was a dumb joke. Sue me, Nostalgia Critic. I said I was going to review The Avengers, and boy howdy, am I going to review The Avengers. This movie is the reason the first MCU Avengers movie is called Avengers Assemble in the UK. I understand the confusion, but unless if you saw the old TV show on the telly or saw this movie, I think Marvel's The Avengers is what should come to mind. 

Yeah, this movie is based on an old TV show. I've never seen it, but I'm imagining it falls into the same hole as The Man from UNCLE or Mission Impossible. If those two classic spy TV shows managed to spawn successful and decent movies, why did this one get left in the dirt? You're about to find out, folks.

So, we have a decent cast. The Bride, Voldemort, and James Bond himself. With a budget of 60 million smackaroos in 1998, you could make a decent spy movie. Well, aren't you wrong. Go to your corner and think about what you've done. Like the last "avenger" movie I reviewed, the elements work, but the final product is crap. Believe it or not, this movie is awful. But why? Why does a movie like this deserve a golden raspberry award?

As far as I care, the original series had a bit of comedy in it, but the opening scene is awkward. In fact, a lot of the movie is awkward. Usually in comedic spy movies, cliches tend to pop up. In this movie, they're dumb. They're really dumb. They're really, really dumb. 

Character dialogue is awkward, too. I don't think whoever wrote this had much experience writing complex characters. Usually, spies are cold and somewhat emotionless, but an unexperienced writer may confuse this as "robotic". Without going into to much of a rant, none of the characters are interesting. You want to know the most interesting part? A female character is called "Father" and a male character is called "Mother". How cryptic. 

Characters tend to do things that don't make sense in a narrative sense. The thing about a genre movie such as this concerns tropes. You can't just throw a bunch of tropes into a work of art and expect it to be unique. Instead, it tends to be tired. This movie has all the elements of a spy movie, but isn't enjoyable, and ends up being uninspired. Take the first Austin Powers movie. It's a comedy spy movie, but instead of just throwing elements in, it managed to create a story and funny dialogue first, and then threw in the spy elements. Boom, you have a classic. But when you have fancy characters just talking while driving a car and drinking tea, you have nothing. Yes, spies are fancy, but why should I care about it?

It's almost as if... Yes. They just threw in a bunch of spy tropes together. I can say that the movie has great set-pieces and acting, but that's about it. I'm currently writing this review as I'm watching it. 20 minutes in, and we finally get to Sean Connery. He blathers a bunch of nonsense about a fake-looking flower. How do you even write a scene like this? 

Remember when I said how the characters act robotic? I was going to follow that up with something, but friggin' Voldemort is in a scene that makes absolutely no sense. And now it begins to snow. At least a good half foot, with no indication of how. Is it some kid of Cobra Commander weather control device? Who cares. A clone or something of Uma Thurman shows up and shoots him. Then he wakes up, and talks like a total robot to a robotically-speaking Uma Thurman.

What I've just described to you happens in the first 25 minutes. To say that this movie is unfocused is an understatement. The characters discuss things that are unimportant to the plot, and try to act classy. As I type this, Sean Connery is dressed as a black teddy bear talking to a comitte of a dozen colored teddy bears. This movie is not worth my time at all, and it certainly isn't worth yours. 

Even a bad movie, I can finish and give my full thoughts on it, but I've already told you all what's wrong with this movie, and it's only the 30 minute mark. I don't think I've reviewed a movie this bad. This movie makes me angry, and I'm not kidding. 

My Final Thoughts: Don't watch this movie. I've seen content you can watch for free on YouTube that's better than this, and with almost none of the cost. For free. I can't even rate this movie. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ponder how movies like this get made. Believe me when I say, it's not the enjoyable kind of bad.