Halloween (2018) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Hey folks. This review's gonna be a little short. Tragedy has struck the family, and I don't know if I can clearly process this. This isn't going to be a memorial blog, because it's hardly appropriate or fair to have a memorial post as a review for a slasher movie. All I'm saying is: Hold onto your family members. Please, hold on to them as much as you can.With that being said:

The Halloween franchise has taken a few odd turns. Don't believe me? Well, you should. We've had cults, remakes, and even several "reboots". After all of that, it seemed like Halloween was done. However, shockingly, this film ignores all of the sequels. No, not even Halloween II counts here. Nor does H20 or even those remakes made by Rob Zombie.

Right off the bat, I can say that if you're a fan of slasher movies, the Halloween franchise, or Jamie Lee Curtis, this movie will be worth your time. Jamie Lee Curtis's portrayal of Laurie Strode after 40 years of mental torment is spot-on. Needless to say, Jamie Lee Curtis might be the most badass grandma in the history of cinema.

There are a few welcome callbacks to the original film, and a few callbacks that were kind of "eh", but I think it was for the best; not much really changes after 40 years, especially for a family wounded by a single deranged killer.

The actors and supporting cast are all good enough, and don't really overstay their welcome. And when they almost do, you can guess who'll be there to stop it.

The film does use a few jumpscares, but they can be forgiven somewhat, because that's the norm.

Overall, this is the best direction the film and series could have taken. I won't spoil the ending, but it leaves little to the imagination. I rate this film as a 7.5/10. It isn't as exciting as some of the other horror movies that are coming out, but the attention to detail and love for the original is what keeps this installment from being forgettable. It was certainly welcome.

My Final Thoughts: Please please please let this be the last one. Leave Halloween alone. At least for a while, please!

Monster Cereal Cocktails

Only 70's kids remember Fruity Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute!

It's October, the monster cereals are on the shelves, and you're an adult. Luckily, I have the perfect solution to your troubles to help relive your childhood without looking like a child by eating Count Chocula, Boo-Berry and Franken-Berry! Now you can feel like an alcoholic instead of a man-child! Just because I like you, here's three cocktails I've thought of to help get you in the spirit!

Count Chocoholic 

Basically, this is more or less a chocolate Grasshopper, jazzed up like the Count would want. Combine equal parts creme de cacao, marshmallow vodka (If you can find it. You can substitute some s'more liqueur if you want to be really classy) and cream. Shake well with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass. Top that off with a handfull of the cereal. 

Booze-Berry

This is my take on a White Russian, just... You know, with less class and more stupid. It's exactly like a White Russian, but instead of coffee liqueur, you use blueberry liqueur. Whether you stir it or not is up to you. But after all, didn't you like drinking that blue milk when you were done eating the cereal? Didn't it make you feel like Luke Skywalker?

Franken-Bomb

Okay. This is only for folks who are willing to fight someone at the drop of a hat. Basically, you can say that about any of the "bomb" cocktails. You ready? Okay.

You take a shot of strawberry liqueur with a marshmallow on top and drop it into a pub glass of milk. Make sure to chug it while trying to forget about when Count Chocola was portrayed as a live-action character. 

Please drink responsibly.

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Vern was tired of his crap.

Here's a quick one. I've got a headache.

There's a way to make horror movies for children, to make them funny, and to even make them charming. Ernest Scared Stupid almost seems to grasp at those concepts blindly by throwing in silly jokes and gags.

The last Ernest movie to be released in theaters (And you can see why), the movie stars Jim Varney as Ernest, of course, who has to defend his town against an evil troll. Sounds like the jokes write themselves, right? No. No they do not.

Cutaway gags with Ernest as other characters tend to drag on, and most other gags with Ernest tend to drag on as well. All the other Ernest movies didn't seem to have this problem, but this one does.

Despite Ernest being a bit of a tired character at this point, Eartha Kitt has a supporting role as a crazy lady who has knowledge of the trolls, playing a Dr. Loomis or a Van Helsing sort of character. Luckily, Eartha Kitt has an amazing performance in this movie, and has a bit of depth.

The child actors, I'd say are alright, but it almost seems like they're having too much fun with this movie, which can be a problem when they're supposed to be scared of the troll.

Speaking of the troll, the troll makeup and special effects are pretty good, but it's just a guy in a suit, nothing really special.

The final VERN-dict for this movie is a 6/10. If you're looking for a cheesy little movie to watch around Halloween with the kids, give this one a watch. It's not quite as trash as some people call it, but you won't get any enjoyment out of this movie watching it alone. Watch it with a good friend, have a few beers, and feel free to have fun with it.

Final Thoughts: This movie uses some leftover suits from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Maybe I should give that one a look.

Re-Animator (1985) Review (Spoiler-Free)

To my knowledge, H.P. Lovecraft hasn't really captured cinema the same way Poe or King have. And on another note, zombies are typically one-dimensional and bland as all hell, no matter how terrifying they might be. However, 1985's Re-Animator breaks the mold and sets the Lovecraft tone very well.

While only loosely based on the 1922 short story by Lovecraft, I'd say that there is no better film based on his work made by a major studio in existence, at least not yet. No, this film doesn't feature Cthulhu, but don't turn away just yet. Lovecraft created other characters besides him, of course.

The story follows Herbert West, a medical student who creates a serum that can bring the dead back to life. The serum works, but it certainly isn't perfect. The bodies brought back to life are insane monsters, a shell of who they once were.

Herbert is only motivated by his work, and stops at nothing to find test subjects, even if he has to kill them himself. What makes Herbert West a good character is his total lack of empathy. He is very much a more modern version of Victor Frankenstein. However, even Victor Frankenstein had empathy and knew when to stop with his creations. Herbert West is only motivated by discovery, but again, goes to horrible lengths to complete his research.

Between Herbert West and the zombies are our protagonists, Dan and Megan. Herbert is cruel and impatient to them, further showing his lack of humanity. Dan and Megan seem to be the only sane characters, and we see a good deal of the movie through their eyes, which is what makes it so horrifying to watch at some points.

However, what totally steals the show are the special effects. Some of them range from easy party tricks to Tom Savini levels of expertise and horror. I refuse to show you any of them, because it would do this movie a gigantic injustice. I know, the story is what's most important, but the zombie gore in this movie is only second to movies that include "Of the Dead" in their titles. 

If you'd like to see a amazing zombie movie with a good story, check this one out. Jack's Pile of Pages gives this an 8/10.

Final Thought: Don't worry, we'll get to Cthulhu soon.

The Predator (2018) Review (Spoilers)

Fatality

 

 

Here's a quick review of the latest Predator movie. The series has run the gamut from good to bad, serious to cheesy, in the jungle to the concrete jungle, and from Schwarzenegger to Glover. How does this one stack up? 

Pretty well, if you ask me. Granted, it's not as suspenseful as the original, it is funnier and way more violent than the original. And no, it's not a remake. Thankfully. And before you ask, I do consider this suitable for a Halloween/October review. If you think about it, Predators are just slasher movie villains from space. Not really scary, but very violent. 

Without spoiling anything, I will say that the film does tackle a few issues that you normally wouldn't think of when watching a movie like this, and it introduces a few ideas that are certainly welcomed, at least by me. 

In the film, one of the protagonists is an autistic child. I've seen autistic people portrayed in many different ways, from spastic, socially awkward nerds (Like in one of my most hated television shows of all time, The Big Bang Theory) to human supercomputers (Like in Rain Man). The Predator lands somewhere near the latter, with the kid being incredibly smart, and that actually plays a huge part in the movie. 

 

Thomas Jane and Keegan-Michael Key are in the movie, and after seeing Thomas Jane play the Punisher, it was exciting to see him. Luckily, the two don't spend two minutes in the movie just for marquee value, like Bryan Cranston in Godzilla (2014). 

SPOILER ALERT

The reason why the Predator species take human spines and skulls as trophies is for DNA and spinal fluid. In some sort of eugenics program, Predators are taking DNA from the Earth's greatest subjects, and genetically splicing themselves with it to create stronger and smarter hunters. 

This ends up with the humans fighting a "Super Predator" and having an epic fight. Truly, humans have never fought something this badass in the entire Predator series. 

END OF SPOILERS

This one has a lot of action and humor, certainly more than the others. In fact, if you ask me, the film sometimes feels like it focuses too much on the action scenes and humor. Whenever the dialogue dragged on, when there wasn't a Predator or people dying on screen, it just made me wish for more Predator action. 

Not to say there isn't a complex story going on, though. There are elements of man vs society, man vs beast and even man vs self.

I won't ruin any of the jokes, but I can't call the jokes clever. They're more like jokes you'd find in an adult comedy starting Seth Rogen. However, some jokes and callbacks to the original fall flat, and feel forced. "Get to the choppers" was an especially dumb one. 

Oh, and at the end, it sets itself up for a sequel so hard, it kinda hurts. It's so stupid, but I guess it's also kinda cool what's revealed at the end.

My only other complaint with the movie is the title. Did "Predator: Evolution" get shot down? That would've been a way better title! The Predator makes it sound like a remake of the original, which I think may hurt it in the long run. 

Overall, this was a very enjoyable movie that I'd certainly see again. To get the most enjoyment out of this movie, see it with friends. I give it a 7.5/10. 

Final Thought: I wanted to laugh at the idea of an autistic Predator, but against all odds, I didn't think about it too much. I'm also a little bit of a liar.

Son of So I Went to Party City

You know, it might get harder and harder every year to find funny, unique things. Next year, it might not even be Party City. At least going there is free. Let's see what I found.

Buuuut my camera screwed up. Apparently, Blogger doesn't like photos from my IPhone. I'm sure they've worked before, but apparently, it doesn't like it. So the high-quality photos I took are useless. So, we're going to do something different. We're going to take the fight to Party City's website and scavenge for stuff to laugh at.

This is a glow-in-the-dark candy bucket. Frankly, we never used buckets. We could afford them, mind you, we just didn't use them. A pillow case and a van are all you need. A glow-in-the-dark bucket just confirms that you've got weak wrists to everyone outside.

If I haven't made this joke already, I'll make it now. This is called the "Supreme Elsa Costume". When I actually went to Party City, I saw that it was on clearance for ten dollars. "ELSA SUPREME! ELSA DISNEY CASHCOW! ELSA ON CLEARANCE"

Now this is a decoration you get if you want to be a dick to somebody. This is known as a "Pumpkin Screamer". When the lights go on, this thing screams. Imagine, if you will, hiding this small pumpkin behind something in your grandma's kitchen. Now imagine that she doesn't know you put it there. If you found pleasure in that thought, you might be powerfully insane.

Thanks. Now I'm not going to drink at your party, Tom. I knew I smelled something wrong, and I'm pretty sure absinthe isn't supposed to be blue, like Tide.

Now this is realistic and evil. It's the "Peeping Tom", the most realistic and common of monsters. Seriously, this is really creepy. It's strange to consider the scariest monster can be a normal human being. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!

If you wear this shirt, you're asking to get punched by a drunk person.

Ah! Scary!

Well, screw you too. I drink the boos to forget that I'll never own a house.

Pipe or Electric? I know a church that has an old one they don't need.

This was listed as a "Friendly prop". If looking malformed and creepy is considered friendly, consider me Mr. Rodgers.

I'm guessing if you've ever worn this costume, there's a 4 in 5 chance you haven't seen Scream. Also, if you haven't, watch Scream.

Public Domain Horror Movie Reccomendations III

It's back, and better than ever.

That time of year again, folks. Another October, and another Halloween. Time for more links to public domain horror movies, that'll surely be broken in no time because YouTube doesn't understand how the public domain and copyright laws work. I'll need to fix the links from the previous installments, but while we're here, let's enjoy some movies you can (LEGALLY) watch for free. Also, I must note that there are a lot of silent public domain movies. This year, I'll only keep it to one silent movie, and I'll save it for the end so you don't lose your interest, like, right away. Let's begin.

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

Made in 1958, and the first Mexican production in this series, this one shows that America doesn't hold the entire pie when it comes to campy cult movies. Without even watching the movie, and with some basic knowledge of Mesoamerican cultures, you'd know at least one thing. The Aztecs didn't mummify their dead, and they certainly didn't have hieroglyphics. That would be the Egyptians, Guillermo Calderón. The Aztecs lived in Mexico, and this is a Mexican production. That would be like if I made a movie called The Pilgrims Fight the Loch Ness Monster.

I should also note that this is the third in a series of Aztec mummy movies, but strangely, it's the most famous, thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000. The entire trilogy was shot in 1957, and it shows.

The whole movie, and even the MST3K episode are available online on YouTube for free, so you can watch a movie made in Mexico slightly older than my dad.

The Terror

This one's a gigantic doozy. Rodger Corman had just filmed 1963's The Raven. Filming was done 3 days ahead of schedule, so rather than send everyone home, Corman paid a dude to write a script, they shot some footage with Boris Karloff, sent him home, and filmed an entire story around that footage. The result is a goddamn mess, and the project was tossed around several directors, including Francis Ford Coppola and Jack Nicholson, before they were even famous. 

I won't tell you anything about the plot, mainly because I don't hate myself enough to comprehend this dumpster fire of a movie.

According to Boris Karloff: 

"Corman had the sketchiest outline of a story. I read it and begged him not to do it. He said "That's alright Boris, I know what I'm going to do. I want you for two days on this." I was in every shot, of course. Sometimes I was just walking through and then I would change my jacket and walk back. He nearly killed me on the last day. He had me in a tank of cold water for about two hours. After he got me in the can he suspended operations and went off and directed two or three operations to get the money, I suppose... [The sets] were so magnificent... As they were being pulled down around our ears, Roger was dashing around with me and a camera, two steps ahead of the wreckers. It was very funny."

 

Attack of the Giant Leeches

See my entry on The Killer Shrews, or watch The Killer Shrews. Then replace the word "Shrew" with "Leech". Screaming. Radiation. Leeches. Possibly an insult to your intelligence. Watch it anyway. 

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror

Folks, in no way do I support piracy or theft, but I'd like to tell you a story. This was an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula, one of my favorite books of all time. Even though several measures were taken, Stoker's estate and heirs had a court order the destruction of all copies of this film. 

This wonderfully shot, beautifully made film was only saved due to piracy, in a time when film preservation wasn't taken seriously. Had it not been for these early preservers of film (or pirates, as they would be known) this movie would be forever lost to time. If anything, Nosferatu boils the book down to about 80 minutes without long strings of boring dialogue. And remember: If you don't watch it, Nosferatu will mess with the lights. 

See? You made him happy.