If I Directed a Frankenstein Movie

The best way I can portray my "movie" is to show you the basic plot. Keep in mind, it'll be very close to the book, but with only a few changes in both content and style. Of course, the time and place are the same. Geneva, early 19th century.

Now, the book starts with Robert Walton finding Victor Frankenstein in the arctic. After several days sleeping, Victor wakes up and tells Captain Walton his life story. I'm at odds with this sort of bookend in a movie sense, because beginning with the Walton story and ending with it only works in a narrative sense, if you ask me, of course. No, no. My version of Frankenstein starts with Victor Frankenstein's mother dying. As Victor sees her pass away, he'll seek to conquer the secrets of life and death. That would make a bit more sense, to start the story of Victor Frankenstein given the reason to bring the dead back to life. In the novel, Victor studies the natural sciences and philosophy, and sort of envisions what life is and how he can control it. His mother does die in the book, but it isn't touched on enough. No, there'd be a genuine reason for Victor to want to cure death and control life.

Skipping ahead to college, Frankenstein is heavily influenced by alchemy and the teachings of both chemistry and philosophy from Doctor Waldman. Victor learns that reanimating dead tissue is impossible in terms of modern science, but with a recent, secret discovery of Waldman's, stem cells, Victor seeks to combine that with the works of Giovanni Galvani, famous for his experiments on corpses using electricity. Victor steals some stem cell samples and rents out a warehouse to test his experiments, eventually dropping out of college to have time for them.

Victor draws up blueprints for creating a man, and steals what body parts he can from both the cemetery and the slaughterhouse. The final result is a man-shaped creature almost nine feet tall. Generating electricity from a large motor, and bringing the brain and heart back into working order thanks to stem cells, the creature awakens, horrifying Victor.

Now, at this point, I'm conflicted. Do I make the monster hideous or not? While I'd like to make him a sexy bad boy, that would completely be missing the mark. I'd like to point out that no human being is born ugly, but if you're stitched together by a college dropout using animal parts and had yellow eyes, you'd be terrifying. I'd keep it somewhere in the middle: human-looking and ugly, just not green and corpse-like.

Victor is horrified with his creation and tries to destroy it, setting the lab on fire in the process and passing out from exhaustion and fear in the process. After waking up hours later and examining a few burnt bones in the ashes of the wrecked warehouse, Victor assumes the monster is dead and goes back to live with his family.

The film follows the monster for a bit, struggling to survive in the wilderness. He learns how to speak and read from a family of outsiders and immigrants, who take pity on him. The creature, now going by the name of Adam, learns of the cruelty of man after the family is forced out their home, never to be seen again. Outraged and angry, the creature attacks the angry mob and is forced to flee towards Victor's home, miles and miles away. While Victor is recovering at his friend's house miles away, he receives a letter, telling him that his brother was murdered.

After examining the crime scene and discovering large footprints near where his brother, Ernest, was killed, Victor realizes that the creature is still alive. Justine, a maid, is convicted of the murder after Ernest's golden locket is found among her possessions. Victor knows the creature is to blame, but does nothing, not wanting to tell the world of his crime against nature. Victor watches Justine's execution, and digs up her fresh grave under cover of night, promising to bring her back to life.

Victor rushes back to the university, where he goes to see Dr. Waldman, begging him for more stem cells to undo Justine's death. Victor is followed in and confronted by Adam. Waldman berates Victor for creating such a monstrosity, and is crippled by Adam. Adam tells Victor that they're "even" after killing Ernest, since Victor tried to kill him. Victor tries to attack Adam, but is far too weak to do so. Adam commands Victor to build him a she-monster, after which, he will leave Victor alone forever.

Victor, Waldman and one of Victor's friends (Henry Clerval) use Justine's body and body parts from the university to create a she-monster. The she-monster is brought to life, and it immediately attacks everyone, including Adam. Feeling threatened, Adam goes on a rampage, killing Henry, the she-monster, and eventually, Victor's wife, having just walked in at the wrong time. Adam runs off, Victor chases him to destroy him, and Waldman burns down the lab, killing him and destroying the rest of the stem cells.

Victor is found in the arctic by Captain Walton, a former shadow of his happy and healthy self. On the verge of death, Victor is shocked to see Adam once again, having climbed aboard the boat stuck in ice. Adam does his best to apologize to Victor, and even refers to him as father one time, reciting Paradise Lost. Victor dies without saying anything, and Adam takes his body, walking out into the freezing wilderness, to be alone and to presumably die. Learning that discovery is often dangerous, Captain Walton orders the ship to turn around, never to see the monster or the man who made him again.

If I Directed a Frankenstein Movie: Introduction

This October, I decided to do something different. No strict movie reviews that are a few paragraphs each, and no going to Party City. I don't care if nobody reads this, this is sort of for myself. There's nothing in this essay that you couldn't learn by reading the original book, but this is merely an exercise in my creative process.

With the modern world embalmed by technology, both good and bad, it's important to remember the risks that come with scientific discoveries. Nuclear energy has the potential for good, but with the future of weaponry uncertain, maybe Einstein was right, regretting that he wanted to become a watchmaker instead of the man who helped create the atomic bomb.

Mary Shelly's Frankenstein has a bit more of a humble origin. Mary and her husband were in a gloomy old house with some friends, and decided to entertain eachother. Inspired by the works of Luigi Galvani, Mary Shelly wrote a story about creating a man from parts of a corpse. Since then, Frankenstein has been made into so many movies and parodies, that people know the story dead on. Here's a quick fact: You probably don't, which is a shame. The actual book is quite good. The fact that I have bought multiple versions of it speaks volumes on how dedicated I would be to creating my own version of Shelly's work.

Now, it would be boring and egotistical if I made a 100 percent novel-accurate rendition of Frankenstein, so I thought I would tell you how I'd make a Frankenstein movie if I had the time and funds. This is in part inspired by Cinemassacre's analysis of the major Dracula films, discussing which one is closest to the novel. While I'd like to follow the novel mostly, I'd like to invent my own adaptation. While Francis Ford Coppola made a Dracula movie and a Frankenstein movie, both of which were intended to follow the novels more closely, they were kinda over the top. Don't worry, I absolutely adore Coppola's version of Dracula, but it was his vision and not mine. This is sort of a thought experiment on how I would go about a Frankenstein movie.

My main goal in a Frankenstein movie would be to try and make it my own. No "it's alive" or Igor, like in the Universal films. Hammer Studios introduced a lot of great ideas, but it'd be best not to copy those, since they were mostly made with sequels in mind. Ideally, I'd keep my Frankenstein as a solo picture. Adding onto that would be my wish to keep it as far away from other monsters as possible. So no, Dracula and the creature would not meet in a sequel. Sorry. While the Marvel Cinematic Universe introduced a lot of great ideas, it kind of intoxicated the creative process by making sequels mandatory, and crossovers inevitable. In fact, Universal's new revival of their classic horror movies are already being made into a shared universe, and it seems so forced, it isn't even funny. The adaptation I'd take the most inspiration from is the manga version written and drawn by Junji Ito, who is most know for his body horror comics. His version, in my opinion, is the best. It takes necessary risks without going overboard and becoming really, really stupid.

With that out of the way, let me break it down piece by piece, starting with the characters.

Next week, I'll break down the plot and characters, so you can understand what I'm trying to do in practice.

I Forced an AI to Write an Ultimate Warrior Promo

I'm not what you would call an expert programmer. In hindsight, with the journalism world the way it is now, I should have learned how to code better. You've seen my website I dedicated to my first ever video game; it's terrible. However, if there's one thing life has taught me, it's to be creative. And what better way to be creative than to piggy-bag off of ideas and make them better? It's what Vince McMahon did, after all. So, in order to get me going, I decided to summon up some warrior spirit by making an advanced AI listen to a bunch of Ultimate Warrior promos, matches, interviews, and even his comic books.

The results are why creativity should have its limits, and strict sanctions should be put on the development and coding of artificial intelligence. I tried to code in direction and focus, but Warrior.exe wouldn't listen, and just kept going on.

I booted up the program. There he was. The Ultimate Warrior was there, wearing his traditional facepaint. With every camera cut, the colors of the facepaint changed. I don't know why. I didn't program them in. The Warrior had not begun to speak, and I was already frightened. That primordial, damning fear of unleashing a plague upon our world. Like Pandora opening the box, only with more steroids, cocaine and homophobia.

Before speaking, he just stood there in my screen, panting. He looked frustrated and sweaty, like me after trying to impress the opposite sex. He let in a deep inhale that morphed into a powerful, deep snorting noise, like a wild pig in labor. I moved to the left, but his eyes began to follow me. I had no webcam plugged in. There was no way the program could know that I was there. I don't know what would be more terrifying: Him just staring at me and breathing like those men in black suits that stand outside my window, or The Ultimate Warrior cutting a promo at seemingly nothing. My own thoughts were cut off by the sound of a name...

Hoak Hogan... Destrucity is the convergence and offspring of both destiny and reality. The destiny of me beating you, Huk Hogan! The destiny my of taking the World Wrestling Federation Heavyweight Champion of the Universe Title Belt away from your hands in the battlefield of Madison Square Garden, Hug Hugan! In front of tens of thousands of millions of Hulkamaniacs, knowing that their savior will fail them, Hulk Hogun! Huhk Hogan! You will fail them, Hulg Ogan! The reality, Hulg Gogan, that I am the true World Wrestling Federation Championship holder, and that you are merely a placeholder for nothing, HUHG HOGAN!!!

In between the world of flesh and the world of spirit lies destiny and reality, Huhk Huhgun! Flesh given to me by my own spirit and preserverance, the kind that can only be gained by being the Ultimate Warrior and not you Huk Hoggon! The spirit that allows me to go on because of my flesh being put into action, and my spirit being put into action to strengthen the fleeesh, Hugogan!

Terry Bollea was nowhere around me. I was the only one there. His eyes kept following me as if I were the camera... As if I were Hulk Hogan. I unplugged my PC, but it was still on; The monitor was still on, and Warrior began to go on. I couldn't even test my theory that the ghost in the machine could see me; I was frozen with fear. Moving was impossible. He... It... Just kept talking about nothing to nothing. I hoped it was nothing. I prayed to a god that wasn't there that it was nothing.

Call Warrior University today, Hukh Hogan! If you wish to achieve the true DESTRUCITY of the ideals of victory! Queering doesn't make the world right, but I WIIIIIIILLLL!!!

With the remainder of my psyche and free will, I broke free from my prison of fear and smashed at the keyboard, hoping it would do something. I should have added a fail-safe for this, but I was too stupid to understand. I was a fool, no better than Victor Frankenstein. However, some combination I smashed onto the keyboard seemed to stop the program and delete system 32 on my computer. The beast, I imagined was dead. Destroyed. Destrucitied. Warrior.exe was no more. No file-sharing site could retrieve it, and no hacker alive could remove it from the brain-dead pile of wires that was my PC.

Until this morning, things were normal, until I checked my phone. It was at that point when I opened  my messages app that it wasn't dead. There were no words. I created a monster that couldn't be killed. Every minute of every hour, anonymous numbers have been sending me this image.

Someone, please help me.

Wrestling Signs (Not for Everyone, Due to Language and Themes)

With wrestling going back to TNT in the form of All Elite Wrestling and WWE's Smackdown going to Fox, both of which are happening next month, wrestling's on a lot of people's minds. Likewise, we've all seen a guy with a "Circle Me, Bert" sign at a Twins game. It's a harmless sign, it gets some guy some air time.

However, wrestling fans are known to a bit spicier in their opinions and choices of words. Now, I know it isn't real, but I assure you, if Game of Thrones was a live Pay-Per-View like what WWE does on a monthly basis, there would be angry signs and boos that would damn near drown out the show  itself. With that being said, here are some of the funnier and saucier signs in wrestling history. I'm not making a list, and I'm not restricting myself to just WWE, though most of them are from there. Be warned, this isn't for the faint of heart. The one above is just to shield Facebook users from all the vulgarity.

 Right off the bat, we have a Bret Hart sign. A lot of the heat Hart had wasn't due to the fact that he was a bad guy for torturing Stone Cold in the ring, it's because he's Canadian. No wonder Canadian WWE fans boo everything else.

That's not a very nice thing to say about Stardust!

If you look up "double murder suicide" on Google, one of the first thing's you'll find is the Chris Benoit incident. I'm not joking, this one is actually a little messed up.

"Because it can put me out in a few minutes and becomes Universal Champion!"

 Another Bret Hart sign. This one is less creative. "Get it? Hart rhymes with Fart!"

The safety word is "Bret Screwed Bret".

You don't even work for the man, and you're fired.

Believe it or not, there was a time when fans didn't like Dwayne Johnson. Before complaining online was a thing, there's only one thing you could do: Send death threats!

The strangest part is that this sign looks professionally made, unlike the other signs on this entry. It looks like he went to some custom sign store, if such a thing exists. The lettering and the materiel look too good just to be a paper sign. What do I know?

Spelled incorrectly on purpose? Probably. An inside joke? Probably. The thing is, Eddie Guerrero was beloved by fans, so it blows my mind that people would still throw in the Latin American stereotype, and in public, on TV.

There we go. There's a clever Bret Hart sign.

Fritz the Cat - Movie Review (Not for Everyone, Due to Language and Adult Themes)

Cinemation Industries - 1972

Don't look, kids!

As I'm typing this right now, I haven't even started the movie yet. I pulled up a few pages for information on the film, and I can already tell you that this is gonna be another "love-it-or-hate-it" films. Widely regarded as Bakshi's most famous film and based on the work of Robert Crumb, Fritz the Cat is a lot of things. I mean, before we get to the actual movie, it's important that I at least give an introduction to Robert Crumb and the character of Fritz the Cat.

Observe the artist looking at the work of the old masters.

Robert Crumb is almost synonymous with the underground comics movement. Basically, underground comics were created as a counter-culture to the comics code authority larger publishers abided by. If you know anything about the comics code authority...

This thing.

...then you'll understand some of the frustrations of smaller creators and publishers. A lot of underground comics were known for their sex and violence, something mainstream comics wouldn't even touch back then until decades later. I absolutely abhor censorship, ladies and gentlemen. The ones who silence the most are the weakest in spirit, so I give a lot of credit to artistic movements such as the Italian Renaissance and the Underground Comics Movement (Capitalized, because they're that important) for their opposition of the mainstream. However, Robert Crumb has drawn some disturbing, effed-up stuff that I can't show, and even I think it goes a bit... Too far.

I think I'll skip all the racism he's been accused of, because he claims that he was actually parodying racism. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, since he portrayed blacks in his Fritz the Cat comics as crows.

Another example of lesser-known creators taking jabs at Disney's bullcrap.

Seriously. Do you remember those crows from Dumbo?

You do now. Besides charm and likeability, the Dumbo remake is also missing the talking mouse and the racist talking crows. Call me Mr. Tin-Foil Hat, but I like to think that Disney remade their own movie to have the newer one fresh in people's minds, so they think it's the same movie with a fresh coat of paint, but in fact, it's just the same movie without the racist crows. That scene from Fantasia was just a simple edit. The crows, however, are key in a scene where they figure out how to make an elephant fly. It would be way to obvious of an edit if they re-released the movie without the crows, so they remade Dumbo as an ugly CGI mistake that'll keep the kids quiet, and Disney will keep doing it. I just know it.

So, since underground comics really pushed the limits of what was morally possible, what exactly does an innocent little kitty cat like Fritz do in his own comic?

Okay, so Fritz isn't exactly a role-model. Or innocent, for that matter. In the comics, he joins a left-leaning terrorist group-

Whenever that phrase is uttered, Ben Shapiro jizzes in his pants a little.

Ahem. Fritz also rapes two women and has sex with his sister in one of the earlier comics.

I'm not making this up. Hell, if they had a Fritz the Cat animated series on HBO, everyone would call it brilliant, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Fun fact: Robert Crumb hated the movie so much, he killed off Fritz in a comic. Let me rephrase this so you understand my frustrations with R. Crumb. He was paid $50,000 dollars (Which is a little over $300,000 in today's money) for Bakshi to make a Fritz movie. $50-grand out of the $700-grand budget is not small by any stretch of the imagination. Fritz the Cat made $90 million dollars (Almost $550 million in today's money) at the box office. It's the first X-rated animated movie to be shown in theaters, and is widely regarded as a cult classic. This is what made Fritz the Cat a relatively famous character. And Crumb was so displeased with it, he killed Fritz in a comic, never to use him again.

Comic book movies can only dream of doing that well. (I mean, pre-MCU-splosion). When a superhero movie does bad, the creator wouldn't even think of killing their own character off out of spite. You could argue the fact that "Crumb was tired of drawing Fritz in the first place" but if he didn't want to draw Fritz, then why did he draw him just to be murdered? There's a Robert Crumb documentary, and I hope it answers a few questions on what influenced Robert Crumb as a whole. I've heard he's a bit of a creep, and I can only hope that's an exaggeration.

NOW. With all of this said and done, just so you folks have a frame of reference of the source material, how is the movie? Let's dive in.

Bam! Now this image is stuck in your head!

As the movie starts, we have our first taste of crumb-inspired filth with a horse pissing from the top of a skyscraper under construction. Less than 90 seconds into the movie, and we have a golden shower. And you see the guy's junk. Still with me?

Fritz and his two friends are trying to pick up chicks at a hippie get-together in a park. A trio of ladies seem more interested in talking to a crow (You know, the black-coded kind). They kinda suck at flirting with him, and give him the "I know black things" treatment to try and impress him. Now, I'm not black, but I imagine that's a bit condescending. It's a little uncomfortable to hear, even in a comedic and animated form. The crow walks away, all sassy like, giving Fritz the opportunity to pick the girls up. It was the 60s. It must have been easy. He said with heavy sarcasm.

In the most Fritz-like way, he gets the trio of girls to shag him in the bathroom at a stoner party. The cops arrive. Of course, in a world full of animals, the cops are pigs. And stupid. The stoner's bathroom quickly turns into something out of Rainfurrest: Overcrowded, full of sex and drugs. And soon, the authorities get involved. Fritz hides in the toilet, one of the pigs gets pissed on, and then gets pissed off. Fritz, high out of his mind, grabs the pig's gun, shoots the toilet, and causes a flood in the apartment. 

The cops chase Fritz into a synagogue, but Fritz manages to escape when the chosen people go wild over news of the US sending weapons to Israel. No, really. Fritz is tired of his normal boring life, and sets his dorm on fire, which sets the building on fire. No, really.

Fritz heads to a bar full of crows. You could call it... A bar for crows, where we get more clever racial banter.

Fritz: "I studied the race problems, man. I know-"
Duke the Crow: "You don't know anything about the race problems. You gotta be a crow to know about the race problems."

It's as simple as that. Feeling guilty about causing suffering is nothing compared to the pain of suffering.

Fritz and Duke steal a car, and nearly kill one of the pigs from before. Fritz drives like a complete maniac, and drives the car off a bridge. Both of them nearly die. Fritz is an idiot. They head to some drug den owned by a crow named Big Bertha.

Guess where she keeps her drugs. You're wrong. It's the other place.

Fritz smokes a lot of weed, and he and Bertha the Crow begin to shag. You can tell this is a fantasy, because Fritz hallucinates, has the energy to jump around and have sex, and doesn't have the munchies.

In some sort of idiotic revelation, Fritz begins to spout Marxist gibberish. The pigs arrive, and the crows surround them. A fight starts, and in the chaos, Duke the Crow is shot and killed, trying to protect Fritz from gunfire. Really, Duke was one of the more likable and innocent characters, and Fritz is the reason he's dead. He died trying to save Fritz.

More police show up, there's shooting in the streets. Fritz is now responsible for multiple deaths. The airforce shows up, and it's a miracle that Fritz survives. (At least for Fritz. He seems to bring chaos with him wherever he goes.) An old friend of his, Winston the Vixen, finds him in a garbage can, and takes him out of the city.

Fritz, being Fritz, abandons Winston in the desert. He then meets up with a blue, heroin-addicted Nazi biker rabbit, and Harriet, a horse. No, really. Blue, the blue junkie Nazi biker rabbit and Harriet the Horse take Fritz to a secret underground base, home of some evil terrorist organization. Blue, probably strung outta his mind, begins to assault Harriet with a chain. The other terrorists get a kick out of it, and it's implied that they rape her. Fritz does nothing to help. Only after Fritz is told to blow up a power plant does he have a change of heart. I would have stopped with Duke being shot trying to save me.

After failing to stop the dynamite from blowing up, Fritz is hospitalized. He survived an explosion to the face that could potentially level an entire power plant. Fritz is revived by the three girls from the beginning, and they canoodle. The End. Moral of the story: Fritz is a force of chaos and destruction.

This movie is absolutely insane, from beginning to end. It has anthropomorphic characters shagging, drugs, swearing, pissing, and themes of racial inequality. Should you watch it? Hell yes. I mean, there are movies like Coonskin that tried to break the mold, but Fritz the Cat did it years earlier, and with more sex and violence. An insane, one-of-a-kind movie, no doubt.

My Final Rating: 8.5/10. I learned nothing from this movie, but I feel better due to watching it.

This concludes Ralph Bakshi month. By no means were these four films his complete work. When I get to it, I'll make sure to take a look at more of his movies, or at least movies inspired by his work. Until next time, I suppose.

Coonskin - Movie Review (Not for Everyone, Due to Language and Adult Themes)

Bryanston Distributing Company - 1975

"See, the production credits are what hook them in!"

Yup. This is it. This is what's going to get my blog shut down. I had to stoop this low. I had to review what Bakshi considers his best movie: Coonskin. 

I don't know what to make of the blaxploitation genre. I really do not. I don't know what it's like to be black, and I never will. I'll never, ever get it. Is race something to be exploited, even in media? What about satire? Does it matter if it was made by whites or blacks? I don't know. I tried writing a paper about the Birth of a Nation remake in college, and totally dropped the ball when trying to discuss the themes of race and film. 

What I do know is that the blaxploitation genre mainly targeted black audiences, glorifying certain things about black life, but it quickly spread and influenced others. Crime dramas, comedic films, and even horror moves fall into subgenres of blaxploitation, which is itself a subgenre of the exploitation genre. Usually, the exploitation genre does not aim for quality, and instead uses shock value to get asses in seats. 

However, blaxploitation movies come from a place of struggle and triumph. In fact, certain blaxploitation movies have gone down as some of the all-time greats, such as Do the Right Thing and Boyz in the Hood. You could even argue that Quentin Tarantino was heavily inspired by the genre. Seriously, watch him drop the n-bomb in Pulp Fiction. 

Yeah, the genre can get crass, and even the NAACP frowns on it, but you can't deny the impact. Am I a fan of the genre? Absolutely not. However, I'm going to at least give Coonskin a shot. It can't be that offensive, can it? 

Oh God

OH SHIT

FUCK ME WITH A STRAIGHT RAZOR, THIS IS OUR MAIN CHARACTER

This is going to be awful, and this isn't even my last review of the month. Procrastination is a foul temptress. And so is racism, I guess.

So after the opening credits, with musical accompaniment by Scatman Crothers, the movie starts out with a live-action segment. A preacher and his buddy played by Barry White are planning on breaking out their friend from prison. The friend, Randy, is talking to an older man, Pappy (Played by Scatman Crothers). Now, I should point out that already, we have Scatman Crothers and Barry White in this film. That's awesome.

So, while the preacher and Barry White get into a shootout with the police, Scatman Crothers... I mean Pappy, tells Randy a story about a rabbit, a bear, and a fox. Now, I have a half-working brain, so I can deduce that this is easily a take on Disney's Song of the South, which is easily one of Disney's biggest blemishes.

Now, quick side-note: Disney cartoons have dipped their toes into racism. Here's another thing: They've tried to cover it up. If you had Fantasia on VHS like I did as a kid, you remember that blackfaced faun from the Sunflower segment.

It's one thing to have black/racist caricatures, but it's another thing entirely to censor them, like what Disney did.

I think I'll let Whoopi Goldberg explain my feelings on censoring old cartoons.

What were we talking about again? Oh yeah, Coonskin.

So, we have Rabbit, Bear, and Fox. They've sold their house to a pimp due to some financial difficulties. And of course, the police are corrupt. Oh, and there are boobs in this movie. Not medical boobs, not NatGeo boobs. Sexy boobs. Those kind. It's not long before the cops end up killing eachother. The gang heads towards Harlem in search of fortune.

Another thing I should mention about Coonskin is that even the animated parts are inter-cut with live-action film, like during driving scenes and such. I guess I've been spoiled by Bakshi's trademark rotoscope animation style, I didn't expect more traditional animation. If it sounds like I'm doing a bad job explaining the film, it's because I am.

After a few run-ins with locals, namely Miss America, who we'll talk about in a bit, the trio walks into a club, where they are preached to about race by a naked fat black man, claiming to be Black Jesus's cousin. Trust me, it's smarter than it sounds. Of course, the whole thing is a scam. The trio start a riot in the club, steal the money, and kill the naked fat black man, and takes over his little racket, vowing to get rid of any opposition. This includes the mafia and the police.

So, here's Miss America. She shows up every once in a while, just sort of lingering. She's a metaphor for America, and while it is a bit heavy-handed at times, her actions basically reflect how mainstream America treated blacks at the time, with violence and misdirection.

After we're introduced to a villainous cop (Who doesn't last very long, thanks to drugs and blackface) the rest of the movie is a bit of a jumbled mess. After what I think is an intermission, the mafia tries to kill rabbit, but ends up seriously injuring bear. He becomes a boxer, and after a gag involving a tar rabbit (No doubt another reference to B'rer Rabbit) the mafia is defeated, concluding the animated segment.

The movie ends with Scatman Pappy and Randy escaping jail. Moral of the story: This movie is insane.

I don't rate movies based on quality. I rate them on how much they're worth your time. This movie is offensive, crass, and not very smart, but it is worth your time. Unlike Fire and Ice, this movie isn't boring in the least. Two-thirds of this movie are incoherent, but it's a satirical cartoon. What did you expect?

My final rating for Coonskin: 8/10. This movie is certainly controversial, but you'll need to see it for yourself. It's a blaxploitation acid trip, that'll certainly change you. I've seen people praise this film and bash it, but when a movie is both praised and heavily criticized, that just means there's nothing quite like it.

Come Wednesday, I'll close out the month with Bakshi's most famous movie, Fritz the Cat.

Fire and Ice - Movie Review

20th Century Fox - 1983

No, they're not going to swordfight during sex, despite your quick glance at the title.

In this second helping of a Bakshi movie this month, we'll be taking a look at the animated fantasy epic, Fire and Ice. In my search for a truly awful Ralph Bakshi movie, I decided to take at the one that looked the most like a Conan ripoff. Believe me, those thrived in the '80s. I should also point out that I don't look at major review sites for opinions before I watch movies that I review, because I don't want to give that kind of impression. So, in the beginning of my journey, I had no clue what it'd be like.

Speaking of Conan, Roy Thomas and Gerry Conway, who wrote a few Marvel-published Conan comic books, worked on this film's screenplay. I myself have not read those comics, but I have sort of high hopes for their ability to write an epic fantasy screenplay, considering that there's two of them, and Marvel paid them more than once.

In addition, the film is a collaboration between Bakshi and artist Frank Frazetta. Frank Frazetta is mostly known for doing badass fantasy art, some of which you may have seen if you've toured a comic book shop, thrift store, or record store. Not to oversell the man, but his work is fantastic. I don't own any physical media to commemorate my love for him besides the cover of a Conan book where he's about to tear an ape-man a new one with a dagger.

Art by Frank Frazetta. Oil on Canvas. Please don't sue me.

So, is it fair after all to compare this to Conan when several Conan collaborators culminated to creatively craft? Let's find out. But first, the plot.

Also yes, it uses rotoscoping, like in American Pop. A lot of Bakshi's work does that. A lot being more than once.

First and foremost, this is your typical epic fantasy movie. Picture a typical epic fantasy movie, and you've got Fire and Ice, basically. My main gripe with Fire and Ice is the lack of new ground it treads when it comes to epic fantasy movies. Yes, it's an animated epic fantasy movie, but Ralph Bakshi did all that and more with his own version of The Lord of the Rings. In fact, this movie is so tropey at first, it almost seems like a parody of an epic fantasy.

Heroic barbarian: Check. Evil wizard with an evil-sounding name: Check. Side-character with edgy name: Check. Scantily-clad princess: Check. Basically inhuman mooks serving said evil wizard: Check. Evil force trying to swallow the forces of fire/light: Double check. When all of those elements are in play, you can almost yell a play-by-play beforehand. Normally, I wouldn't mind any of these, usually because I've seen so many Conan rip-offs and parodies over the years.

Here's the thing: This movie is not good. It is also not bad. It is painfully average. I was hoping for a massive stinker, but I got mostly nothing. It's not a bang. It's not a bust. It's a yawn. Usually, a movie like this would need to amp up the sex and violence to stand in league with Conan, but it doesn't. It's basically the margarine of Conan. The diet coke of Conan. Just one calorie. Not Conan enough.

You want me to explain the plot? Okay then. Wizard evil. Cold evil. Cold go toward warm. Warm princess good. Cold henchmen kidnap warm princess. Barbarian hero save princess. End. Average. Non-offensive.

I rate Fire and Ice a 6/10. If I did ratings in quarters, I would give it a 6.25 for it being animated and somewhat interesting because of that, but I don't do that.

Really, this movie wasn't much to talk about. I guess you could find it entertaining, but I wouldn't see many people enjoying it enough for a second helping. I sure as heck wouldn't see it a second time. For at least a while. I'm going to find a Bakshi movie that's bad or offensive to sate you all.

Go away, I'll be busy looking for a while.

American Pop - Movie Review

Columbia Pictures - 1981

Rotoscope is rotodope!

I'mma be real with you. I didn't have the best experience with Ralph Bakshi's films at first. I was prepared to bash Baskhi for the entirety of July, starting the day after Independence Day. Here's the thing, Ralph Baskhi tells stories in animation that you don't get anymore. Adult animated films aren't really things anymore unless you count Sausage Party, and that's a flick not really worth your time, because it's more or less some stupid stoner comedy barfed out by Seth Rogan. And hey, the movie I'm talking about today didn't treat its animators like crap.

Heu heu heu heu... What if we had a movie where food smoked weed, too?

American Pop is the story of an immigrant, his life story, and the life stories of his descendants. Through 4 generations of entertainers, we get to see how music, culture, and the American life evolves. Really, if you ask me, is there anything more American than an immigrant? I don't mean to get political in this movie review, but... If you're not a Native American, and you're complaining about immigrants, you're a piece of crap.

The movie, like some other of Bakshi's films, uses rotoscope animation. Basically, you trace over live actors to get more realistic movement in animation. In some scenes, it can get a little creepy, but for the most part, it's fine. I guess. Rotoscoping isn't used too frequently, but if you ask me, it looks way better than what Cartoon Network uses to animate their shows today. I'd say the names of specific shows, but I don't want death threats sent to me.

At its heart, American Pop is a period piece, or rather several period pieces in one movie, bridged by a character aging and moving onto the next time period. The 20th century saw some of the most influential changes in American history; The Great Depression, The World Wars, jazz, rock n' roll, and so much more are shown in their appropriate times, and serve as set-pieces and plot points.

Speaking of jazz and rock n' roll, the movie uses period-appropriate music in certain scenes, and it does show how much entertainment changed over the decades, but to some hilarious results. The last main character, Pete, claims to have wrote the song Night Moves. Bob Seger's gonna cut a fool once he finds out that a heartland rock Yoshikage Kira stole his song and made money off of it.

Still, this movie is worth your time. It's got sex, it's got violence, and it's got heart. I can't really think of any other movie quite like it. It's no masterpiece, but if you ask me, it's one of Bakshi's best films. I thought I would be spending this month bashing Bakshi, but at random, I guess I picked one of the best animated movies I've seen in years.

I rate American Pop as a 7.5/10

My Final Thought: I'm gonna need to pick out something offensive and/or awful for the next review.

The Avengers - Movie Review

 Warner Brothers - 1998

Shean Connery ishe going to shmack that hat of of your head.

Yeah, this was a dumb joke. Sue me, Nostalgia Critic. I said I was going to review The Avengers, and boy howdy, am I going to review The Avengers. This movie is the reason the first MCU Avengers movie is called Avengers Assemble in the UK. I understand the confusion, but unless if you saw the old TV show on the telly or saw this movie, I think Marvel's The Avengers is what should come to mind. 

Yeah, this movie is based on an old TV show. I've never seen it, but I'm imagining it falls into the same hole as The Man from UNCLE or Mission Impossible. If those two classic spy TV shows managed to spawn successful and decent movies, why did this one get left in the dirt? You're about to find out, folks.

So, we have a decent cast. The Bride, Voldemort, and James Bond himself. With a budget of 60 million smackaroos in 1998, you could make a decent spy movie. Well, aren't you wrong. Go to your corner and think about what you've done. Like the last "avenger" movie I reviewed, the elements work, but the final product is crap. Believe it or not, this movie is awful. But why? Why does a movie like this deserve a golden raspberry award?

As far as I care, the original series had a bit of comedy in it, but the opening scene is awkward. In fact, a lot of the movie is awkward. Usually in comedic spy movies, cliches tend to pop up. In this movie, they're dumb. They're really dumb. They're really, really dumb. 

Character dialogue is awkward, too. I don't think whoever wrote this had much experience writing complex characters. Usually, spies are cold and somewhat emotionless, but an unexperienced writer may confuse this as "robotic". Without going into to much of a rant, none of the characters are interesting. You want to know the most interesting part? A female character is called "Father" and a male character is called "Mother". How cryptic. 

Characters tend to do things that don't make sense in a narrative sense. The thing about a genre movie such as this concerns tropes. You can't just throw a bunch of tropes into a work of art and expect it to be unique. Instead, it tends to be tired. This movie has all the elements of a spy movie, but isn't enjoyable, and ends up being uninspired. Take the first Austin Powers movie. It's a comedy spy movie, but instead of just throwing elements in, it managed to create a story and funny dialogue first, and then threw in the spy elements. Boom, you have a classic. But when you have fancy characters just talking while driving a car and drinking tea, you have nothing. Yes, spies are fancy, but why should I care about it?

It's almost as if... Yes. They just threw in a bunch of spy tropes together. I can say that the movie has great set-pieces and acting, but that's about it. I'm currently writing this review as I'm watching it. 20 minutes in, and we finally get to Sean Connery. He blathers a bunch of nonsense about a fake-looking flower. How do you even write a scene like this? 

Remember when I said how the characters act robotic? I was going to follow that up with something, but friggin' Voldemort is in a scene that makes absolutely no sense. And now it begins to snow. At least a good half foot, with no indication of how. Is it some kid of Cobra Commander weather control device? Who cares. A clone or something of Uma Thurman shows up and shoots him. Then he wakes up, and talks like a total robot to a robotically-speaking Uma Thurman.

What I've just described to you happens in the first 25 minutes. To say that this movie is unfocused is an understatement. The characters discuss things that are unimportant to the plot, and try to act classy. As I type this, Sean Connery is dressed as a black teddy bear talking to a comitte of a dozen colored teddy bears. This movie is not worth my time at all, and it certainly isn't worth yours. 

Even a bad movie, I can finish and give my full thoughts on it, but I've already told you all what's wrong with this movie, and it's only the 30 minute mark. I don't think I've reviewed a movie this bad. This movie makes me angry, and I'm not kidding. 

My Final Thoughts: Don't watch this movie. I've seen content you can watch for free on YouTube that's better than this, and with almost none of the cost. For free. I can't even rate this movie. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ponder how movies like this get made. Believe me when I say, it's not the enjoyable kind of bad.

Avenger - TV Movie Review

Turner Network Television - 2006

Even without a cowboy hat, Sam Elliott is more of a man than you'll ever be.

A badass played by Sam Elliot is sent on a mission of revenge and truth.

That's the perfect formula for a nice little TV movie. After seeing some quick reviews online, I thought this would be a kinda okay movie, but it is not, which is disappointing. If you ask me, if a movie isn't interesting, it isn't worth your time, and for a 90 minute TV movie, it doesn't get interesting until the hour mark. That's a bad sign.

Up until the hour mark, it's just Sam Elliott walking around getting information about some guy's son who was murdered for reasons. That's how much this movie gripped me, I can't even remember character names and motives that well. 

With Toxic Avenger and Crippled Avengers, I had things to talk about. For an action thriller, Avenger is boring for more than half of the movie. Want to know when you can have a bathroom break when watching this movie? There's a good chunk of it you can skip, I promise you. 

By the time Sam Elliott gets to South Africa to stop some nuclear plot or whatever, you won't care, because the payoff isn't even that good. This movie has many elements that make a movie great, like acting, dialogue and even effects, but with a weak story, it all falls apart. Not spectacularly, not with a flop, but with a yawn.

The movie does have some genuinely good moments, but it didn't really grip my attention. If you're a Sam Elliott fan, this may be a little disappointing. I understand this is a TV movie, but I can't imagine this gripping my attention on a lazy Saturday on FX, like the fifty Fast and Furious movies. Then again, this didn't air on FX, so you're safe if you watch FX a lot.

My final verdict: 4.5/10

And don't worry, you won't have to wait long until I actually review The Avengers. I did these to hook people in. (All 4 of you who read this)

And you won't even have to wait long for my review of The Avengers! 

The Toxic Avenger - Movie Review

Troma Entertainment - 1984

I'm 256 pounds of solid nerd, and I'm still me.

Troma isn't known for high-quality movies, they're known for crap like this. But this movie may be the most bestest pile of crap in the entire universe. Take everything I said about Army of Darkness and turn it up to SMH levels of WTF. You read me, kiddos? Yeah, you read me.

So, we've got this place called Tromaville (Subtle), which just so happens to be the mecca of garbage. Of course, it's in New Jersey. I think Troma has something to say about New Jersey, but then again, I don't think anybody from the garden state has seen this movie. I hope.

There's this dork named Melvin, and some violent, idiotic, racist bullies hate him, and get him into a barrel of toxic waste. So, Melvin is kinda like Bruce Banner, but not to such an extreme extent. So, Melvin gets turned into Toxie, the Toxic Avenger, and goes on a mission to fight all the bad guys and get revenge on the bullies.

It's weird. This movie is a combination of a superhero action movie and a slasher movie. Toxie just goes around mutilating awful people in some of the most horrific ways possible. I commend the special effects, and they're incredibly gruesome. Think Tom Savini's work, but on less of a budget. You see a kid's face get run over, and a criminal's hands getting deep-fried.

I can't describe the movie any further without just flat-out saying what happens in the scenes, but unlike Crippled Avengers, that wouldn't do it justice. Watch this movie if you get the chance. I'm not saying that this is some underground cult hit, because it was successful enough to spawn:

Three Sequels

A Comic Book

A Freaking Cartoon

And Even a Musical!

My Final Rating: 7.5/10

Final Thoughts: Don't fall into a vat of toxic waste.