Post Number 13

666, 420, 69. They're all just numbers that people have decided to give meanings. Sure, mathematically, 13 is just the number that comes after 12 and before 14, but with a lot of things, people have decided that this arbitrary prime number is one of the spookiest! There's a bit of a history with this one, and I've seen it argued about a few times, mostly over drunken banter, but I'm here to give you what I believe is the true answer.

Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of the number 13. To my knowledge, this is the only number I could find that people are afraid of. There must be something significant behind it, right? Well, not from what I could gather. The reason that I see it debated is that there are so many different theories and answers. And trust me, there are a lot. Long story short, there isn't anything definitive and concrete to why 13 is considered so spooky.

The first instance that comes to mind was the Apollo 13th near-disaster. Everyone thought it would happen, and there was a disaster! Kind of. One of the oxygen tanks blew up when the pilot pushed the "stir tanks" button. Had 13 wielded the stopping power of a truly unlucky number, those three men would be dead, and Tom Hanks wouldn't earn yet another paycheck playing Captain Jim Lovell. I actually met Jim Lovell a few years ago, and I unfortunately lost the picture. It's one of my greatest regrets to capture the moment on an IPhone. He said to the crowd at the event we were at that: "It didn't come down to luck. We were astronauts, we're trained to deal with things like these, and thanks to our training and hard work, we made it back to Earth safely." or something to that effect. Yes, there was an accident, but it could have been worse. The Apollo 1 launch was a complete disaster, and the number 1 isn't so unlucky, now is it? Apollo 7 was successful, but there's one little detail that was missed here. There was no Apollo 2.

Technically, this means that Apollo 7 wasn't the 7th Apollo mission. It was the first successful manned mission, taking place in near-earth orbit, but if 13 is considered unlucky, then by all means, Apollo lucky number 7 would have accidentally met an alien fungus that cured cancer and made childbirth painless. That would be lucky. Myth busted, good sir.

What about Judas Iscariot? 

Yeah, that guy. Got paid 20 pieces of silver to betray Jesus. Almost makes you wonder why the number 20 isn't unlucky. Some say that 13 is unlucky because Judas was the 13th person to sit down at the last supper. There's a problem with this little theory. There is no mention in the Bible about the order of bum-placing at Jesus's little dinner party. Not to mention, there are other sources that say that 13 is lucky according to Christianity. The Thirteen Attributes of Mercy come to mind, Bible-thumpers.

What about Friday the 13th? No, not the film series, the actual date of Friday the 13th. Nothing of note or of substance could I find about the actual date of Friday the 13th being so bad. Yeah, some crusaders got arrested and there was a tiny stock market crash, but that's nothing. There is no cosmological reason why Friday the 13th is so bad. Stephen King thinks so, but then again, Stephen King thinks croquet mallets are scary murder weapons.

Spoooooooky!

And with that, I finish my 13th post of October, today at the 31st. 13, 31? I think it's just a spooky number palindrome!

Oh, as I finish this up, 13 isn't the only number commonly associated with fear. I totally forgot about 666. Maybe some other time, kids. I've got candy to eat. Happy Halloween.

Pour Some Licorice on Me

This one's for grandma. My greatest memories of her are when we would have Twizzlers together at the cabin.

When talking about licorice, there are two things to focus on. The plant and the confectionery (Candy for the young-uns.) Yeah, just like the marshmallow (We'll get to that sometime) licorice, or liquorice as smart-marks call it, was originally known as a plant. Like the one pictured above. The flavor and goodness of the licorice plant are usually taken from the root of the plant, pictured below.

Now, I'm not sure when licorice was first being used as a confectionery, but we do know that it was being used as medicine for like... A lot of time. Not really a good idea, because as soon as I googled "licorice", I was directed to a bunch of "Health effects of licorice" medical pages. As it turns out, eating a lot of licorice root isn't good for you. Then again, eating a lot of anything isn't good for you. So, apparently, eating too much licorice causes weakness, high blood pressure, and something called hypokalemia. Hopefully, you won't get any of those while eating that delicious candy after Halloween!

Boiled in water and mixed with sugar, licorice has been used to make all kinds of confectioneries.

I'd just like to point out that in the Netherlands, they have something called "salty licorice". Now, take a moment to let that in. That would taste HORRIBLE. A lot of people don't like licorice, but if you mix that with salt, you've pretty much guarenteed to not sell that to people. The people who live in the Netherlands must really like these, too. I'm pretty sure that they're the only ones who eat and enjoy salty licorice. I don't mean that they're a little salty. It's not like enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich or some "saltwater" taffy, I mean they're really salty. Go ahead and wash that taste out of your mouth with some licorice liquor, pictured above.

This leads us to red licorice, which doesn't even taste anything like original licorice, which is probably why it is much more popular in the states. While resembling regular licorice, no actual licorice root is used to make it. This variety, usually flavored with strawberry or cherry, has certainly made its way into the mainstream of American candy, thanks to Twizzlers.

From Wikipedia: "The manufacturer of cherry Twizzlers candy is one of the oldest confectionery firms in the United States. The company was established in 1845 as Young and Smylie, and adopted Y&S as its trademark in 1870. National Licorice Company was created in 1902 through the merger of three small firms: Young & Smylie, S.V. & F.P. Schudder and H.W. Petherbridge. In 1908 a plant was opened in Montreal and in 1929 the Twizzler brand was established. The company changed its name to Y&S Candies Inc. in 1968 and was acquired by Hershey Foods in 1977."

The rest, they say, is history. As for me, I really like the lemon and cherry kind. If I can get my hands on it, I can't get enough of it. I may have a problem. The first step to recovery is stating you have a problem.

Not to mention, Twizzlers are actually kosher and vegan! Imagine that!

In conclusion, Red Vines suck.That is all.

Burgerville: A Real Horror Story (Concept)

(Taken from a journal found in an abandoned mall in Massachusetts) 

I woke up at 5 AM this morning. I usually get up at 6, and the mall opens at 7. Unfortunately, my car hasn't worked for at least two weeks. But right now, that's the least of my worries. 

I showered, dressed, and put on my Burgerville Uniform, a dull blue shirt that had faded to a nice shade of periwinkle over the years. Sun damage or the wrong detergent? Who can say for sure.

What matters is that I sort of stand out from amongst the others. They could afford to pay for new uniforms. Me? I've got car payments and a younger sister to take care of. Mom got sent away, and dad was never there. So for now, Burgerville, PlayStation, and my little sister Judy are my life. 

I unlocked my bike outside of the apartment complex. Thankfully, it snowed the night before, so that was my insurance against it being stolen. Nobody wants to ride a bike through snow, and nobody wants to steal a bike in the snow. 

Took me a good hour and a half to bike to the mall. It usually takes only an hour, but snow isn't exactly convenient. I locked my bike in the now empty bike rack and head inside.

None of the stores were open yet. No teenagers talking to each other through text, no annoying children in the play area. Just me, the cleaning staff, and the rest of the openers. This temple of the dollar will be my tomb one day.

The people who arrive when we open are zombies, obviously controlled by whatever crap goes into the burgers and fries. None of them can form a coherent sentence or even properly order. "Burber 'n faes" is the usual order. Which burger? Which fries? In what size and combination? We made this almost as easy as possible to understand, given the giant glowing sign above my head, you dipstick. "Can I get a McMeal?" Can you get a vasectomy so that your idiotic genes don't spill into an equally stupid mate? 

Even worse than "breakfast" is lunch. I can't call a burger with chicken fries and a shake "breakfast". It never has been and never will be, not in this dimension or any other. At least three orders are taken every minute from 11AM to 1PM, which is what people in this society have determined as "lunch time". At least with it being a school day, there was no chance of any teenagers being here. 

I hate teenagers. I hated being a teenager. When you get called "the poor kid" every day for four years in a row, you don't exactly get a nice view of the world. And if people don't treat you well in high school, you can be sure as shit they won't treat others well as simple-minded adults whose only character traits are "hungry" and "angry". Makes me wonder how easy it would be to convince them to jump off a bridge or tip me.

I hate children even more. Greedy little monsters want their kids meals with toys nowadays. We're Burgerville, we've never done toys with our kids meals. Try explaining that to a fat, stupid housewife with five equally fat and stupid children. I look at the clock; it's 1:05. "Lunchtime" is over, and in five hours, it'll be "Dinner time". I'm tasked to mop up somebody's chocolate vomit off of the floor and wall. This extra-long shift is gonna suck.

The Case for Halloween III: Season of the Witch (Spoilers for Halloween 2 and 3)

Stop lying to yourself if you hate this movie. You've never seen it. First, a little history and context are needed for this rant: 

Halloween (1978) and its sequel were supposed to be the saga of Michael Myers. Taking place on the same night as the original film, Halloween II is basically the same romp as the original, with Michael Myers killing people with a knife. You know, business as usual. 

At the end, he's trapped in a room full of gas and lit on fire. That's more dead than he's ever been, and originally, that's where it should have ended. However, it wouldn't be the end of Michael Myers, as we'd come to see with all of the bad, bad sequels. Trust me. Halloween 4, 5, and 6 are really, really, really bad. Not even fun bad. Stupid bad.

Where this all started was Halloween III: Season of the Witch, which (no pun intended) drastically changed the series. First off, no Michael Myers. "How can you have a Halloween movie without Michael Myers?" you ask. Well, he was supposed to be dead due to the events of the last movie, that's why! He got blown up and burnt to a crisp. That's deader than he's ever been (wink wink).

Halloween III: Season of the Witch is instead about a cult that makes masks that kill children. See? That's an original idea. You know how many times a masked killer with a signature weapon has been done? A lot. You know how many times a cult that kills children to appease their pagan god has been done? Significantly less. 

But no, this film was panned for being nothing like the original. It wasn't meant to be like the original, which is one of the strongest things it has going for it. 

Usually, children are safe in slasher movies. In Halloween III, they are not. In fact, at the end of the movie (SPOILERS) there's a cliffhanger ending that implies that thousands of children die, with the hero shouting "Stop it!" repeatedly, trying in vain to stop the broadcast that kills the children wearing masks made by the bad guys.

You won't get that with the other Halloween movies. In fact, the series was worse off going back to Michael Myers, and the whole "cult of the thorn" story line. Trust me, it's stupid. Really stupid. Now, which would you rather have? Something original that breaks new ground, or another slow masked killer story? Yeah, thought so.

Army of Darkness (1992) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Hail to the king, baby.

This was originally going to be about The Cthulhu Mythos. Mainly, an introduction with some common questions answered. Due to awful circumstances involving the death of my grandmother, I feel as if focusing on unhappy and morbid things like the works of H.P. Lovecraft wouldn't be quite what I would like to do.

Instead, I'm going to tell you about a movie very loosely based on the Lovecraft stories. It is one of my favorite movies of all time, and is arguably the greatest cult movie ever: 1992's Army of Darkness.

Bruce Campbell plays Ash Williams, who has been sent back in time due to a magical portal. The movie thankfully rolls up the plots of the first two Evil Dead movies, but it would be a treat for you to watch both The Evil Dead and Evil Dead II. They're both fun, quirky horror movies, both definitely worth your time. 

However, Army of Darkness is more of an action film, and it's easy to see why. Our hero, Ash, is more of an action hero than a horror protagonist, like he was in the first two movies. He's got a chainsaw for a hand, a shotgun, and a whole lot of attitude. You'll instantly fall in love with him, his personality, and his one-liners. 

What are you doing right now? You could be watching Army of Darkness right now. Screw what Metacritic says. This film has some of the best action, humor, and funniest editing I've ever seen. Practical special effects, old-style medieval action, and to top it all off, creatures spawned from the Necronomicon. 

Army of Darkness gets a 8.5/10. It is food for your soul, and while it is silly, it is worth your time. 

My Final Thoughts: There's an Evil Dead Musical, also worth your time. 

The Thing (2011) Review (Spoilers)

And it isn't practical effects. Yet. Or much, really.

 This is going to be another quick one, because the worst has happened and I don't think I can clearly focus right now have to give you a proper review of this movie. Like I said in my last review, tragedy was about to come, an early this morning, it came. Again, I'd rather not stick my problems on you guys, but always remember that the scariest thing that can happen is not a ghoul coming to your house, nor a vampire nor any ghosts and goblins that go bump in the night. It's the death of a loved one, and I wish this hadn't happen so close to my grandmother's birthday, but she passed early this morning. Words can't describe how I'm feeling right now, but I can't chicken out on this blog because I promised all of you that I'd get 13 out, and by God, you're getting 13 blog posts this month. Like I said before, hold on to your loved ones as long as you can, please.

With all of this being said let's begin this crappy review. 

The ORIGINAL original version of The Thing was created in the 50s, and it's an enjoyable little film. Then John Carpenter came along and remade it, which is even better. It's a suspenseful monster movie worthy of it's own review. In fact, it'd be the second time I would review a remake that is arguably better than the original, the first one being 2017's It. Wow, "It" and "Thing" are two very vague titles. And both of them are based on books. Strange. 

Anyway, this movie was mostly unnecessary. It did have a lot of good ideas going for it. However that doesn't help most of the film's flaws. the biggest and most glaring flaw that this film has is the lack of suspense that the original (What I'll be calling the 1982 version) had. In fact, one of the biggest things the original had going for it was the suspense.

And don't even get me started about the special effects. the original has some of the greatest gore and alien effects that I've ever seen, and a true testament to how scary and disturbing and realistic that practical effects can look. this one has some practical effects but most of the time you can tell that it's computer-generated... and it looks awful. I've seen worse, but it's insulting to the original. 

The actors are fine, but they don't seem to have the same chemistry as the original crew. In fact, I think the original crew had a lot more personality to it. And our leading lady doesn't nearly have as much charm as Kurt Russel's character, R.J MacReady.

One good thing that I can say about this film are the callbacks to the original. 

(Heavy Spoilers)

Yes, this is a prequel to the original film. The humans who made first contact with The Thing are the cast, and if you've seen the original, you can guess what happens to most of them. Even the ending has the dog from the beginning of the original is shown. We see the dog earlier in the film, and it's the only dog that is shown prominently. That was my first clue. And from then on, the pieces clicked together. 

They even allude to the scene in the original where they try to figure out who's a thing and who's still human. In the original, they had reason to believe that every part of the creature was independent. In the prequel, they only know one thing: The Thing can't recreate non-organic material such as earrings or tooth fillings, and that's how they (almost) find it. 

Even the flamethrowers are back! And yes, flamethrowers were in the short story, too. The action and a little bit of the suspense are there, but in the end, I can't recommend this movie as much as I recommend the original, or even the older version. Do yourself a favor and watch those first. Overall, this film gets a 5.5/10. It doesn't have much going for it, but it's something to watch. It suffers a lot from CGI and leeching off the original.

My Final Thought: There was also a PS2 game that's a sequel to the original. I'll have to track that down.

Halloween (2018) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Hey folks. This review's gonna be a little short. Tragedy has struck the family, and I don't know if I can clearly process this. This isn't going to be a memorial blog, because it's hardly appropriate or fair to have a memorial post as a review for a slasher movie. All I'm saying is: Hold onto your family members. Please, hold on to them as much as you can.With that being said:

The Halloween franchise has taken a few odd turns. Don't believe me? Well, you should. We've had cults, remakes, and even several "reboots". After all of that, it seemed like Halloween was done. However, shockingly, this film ignores all of the sequels. No, not even Halloween II counts here. Nor does H20 or even those remakes made by Rob Zombie.

Right off the bat, I can say that if you're a fan of slasher movies, the Halloween franchise, or Jamie Lee Curtis, this movie will be worth your time. Jamie Lee Curtis's portrayal of Laurie Strode after 40 years of mental torment is spot-on. Needless to say, Jamie Lee Curtis might be the most badass grandma in the history of cinema.

There are a few welcome callbacks to the original film, and a few callbacks that were kind of "eh", but I think it was for the best; not much really changes after 40 years, especially for a family wounded by a single deranged killer.

The actors and supporting cast are all good enough, and don't really overstay their welcome. And when they almost do, you can guess who'll be there to stop it.

The film does use a few jumpscares, but they can be forgiven somewhat, because that's the norm.

Overall, this is the best direction the film and series could have taken. I won't spoil the ending, but it leaves little to the imagination. I rate this film as a 7.5/10. It isn't as exciting as some of the other horror movies that are coming out, but the attention to detail and love for the original is what keeps this installment from being forgettable. It was certainly welcome.

My Final Thoughts: Please please please let this be the last one. Leave Halloween alone. At least for a while, please!

Monster Cereal Cocktails

Only 70's kids remember Fruity Yummy Mummy and Fruit Brute!

It's October, the monster cereals are on the shelves, and you're an adult. Luckily, I have the perfect solution to your troubles to help relive your childhood without looking like a child by eating Count Chocula, Boo-Berry and Franken-Berry! Now you can feel like an alcoholic instead of a man-child! Just because I like you, here's three cocktails I've thought of to help get you in the spirit!

Count Chocoholic 

Basically, this is more or less a chocolate Grasshopper, jazzed up like the Count would want. Combine equal parts creme de cacao, marshmallow vodka (If you can find it. You can substitute some s'more liqueur if you want to be really classy) and cream. Shake well with ice and strain into a chilled martini glass. Top that off with a handfull of the cereal. 

Booze-Berry

This is my take on a White Russian, just... You know, with less class and more stupid. It's exactly like a White Russian, but instead of coffee liqueur, you use blueberry liqueur. Whether you stir it or not is up to you. But after all, didn't you like drinking that blue milk when you were done eating the cereal? Didn't it make you feel like Luke Skywalker?

Franken-Bomb

Okay. This is only for folks who are willing to fight someone at the drop of a hat. Basically, you can say that about any of the "bomb" cocktails. You ready? Okay.

You take a shot of strawberry liqueur with a marshmallow on top and drop it into a pub glass of milk. Make sure to chug it while trying to forget about when Count Chocola was portrayed as a live-action character. 

Please drink responsibly.

Ernest Scared Stupid (1991) Review (Spoiler-Free)

Vern was tired of his crap.

Here's a quick one. I've got a headache.

There's a way to make horror movies for children, to make them funny, and to even make them charming. Ernest Scared Stupid almost seems to grasp at those concepts blindly by throwing in silly jokes and gags.

The last Ernest movie to be released in theaters (And you can see why), the movie stars Jim Varney as Ernest, of course, who has to defend his town against an evil troll. Sounds like the jokes write themselves, right? No. No they do not.

Cutaway gags with Ernest as other characters tend to drag on, and most other gags with Ernest tend to drag on as well. All the other Ernest movies didn't seem to have this problem, but this one does.

Despite Ernest being a bit of a tired character at this point, Eartha Kitt has a supporting role as a crazy lady who has knowledge of the trolls, playing a Dr. Loomis or a Van Helsing sort of character. Luckily, Eartha Kitt has an amazing performance in this movie, and has a bit of depth.

The child actors, I'd say are alright, but it almost seems like they're having too much fun with this movie, which can be a problem when they're supposed to be scared of the troll.

Speaking of the troll, the troll makeup and special effects are pretty good, but it's just a guy in a suit, nothing really special.

The final VERN-dict for this movie is a 6/10. If you're looking for a cheesy little movie to watch around Halloween with the kids, give this one a watch. It's not quite as trash as some people call it, but you won't get any enjoyment out of this movie watching it alone. Watch it with a good friend, have a few beers, and feel free to have fun with it.

Final Thoughts: This movie uses some leftover suits from Killer Klowns from Outer Space. Maybe I should give that one a look.

Re-Animator (1985) Review (Spoiler-Free)

To my knowledge, H.P. Lovecraft hasn't really captured cinema the same way Poe or King have. And on another note, zombies are typically one-dimensional and bland as all hell, no matter how terrifying they might be. However, 1985's Re-Animator breaks the mold and sets the Lovecraft tone very well.

While only loosely based on the 1922 short story by Lovecraft, I'd say that there is no better film based on his work made by a major studio in existence, at least not yet. No, this film doesn't feature Cthulhu, but don't turn away just yet. Lovecraft created other characters besides him, of course.

The story follows Herbert West, a medical student who creates a serum that can bring the dead back to life. The serum works, but it certainly isn't perfect. The bodies brought back to life are insane monsters, a shell of who they once were.

Herbert is only motivated by his work, and stops at nothing to find test subjects, even if he has to kill them himself. What makes Herbert West a good character is his total lack of empathy. He is very much a more modern version of Victor Frankenstein. However, even Victor Frankenstein had empathy and knew when to stop with his creations. Herbert West is only motivated by discovery, but again, goes to horrible lengths to complete his research.

Between Herbert West and the zombies are our protagonists, Dan and Megan. Herbert is cruel and impatient to them, further showing his lack of humanity. Dan and Megan seem to be the only sane characters, and we see a good deal of the movie through their eyes, which is what makes it so horrifying to watch at some points.

However, what totally steals the show are the special effects. Some of them range from easy party tricks to Tom Savini levels of expertise and horror. I refuse to show you any of them, because it would do this movie a gigantic injustice. I know, the story is what's most important, but the zombie gore in this movie is only second to movies that include "Of the Dead" in their titles. 

If you'd like to see a amazing zombie movie with a good story, check this one out. Jack's Pile of Pages gives this an 8/10.

Final Thought: Don't worry, we'll get to Cthulhu soon.

The Predator (2018) Review (Spoilers)

Fatality

 

 

Here's a quick review of the latest Predator movie. The series has run the gamut from good to bad, serious to cheesy, in the jungle to the concrete jungle, and from Schwarzenegger to Glover. How does this one stack up? 

Pretty well, if you ask me. Granted, it's not as suspenseful as the original, it is funnier and way more violent than the original. And no, it's not a remake. Thankfully. And before you ask, I do consider this suitable for a Halloween/October review. If you think about it, Predators are just slasher movie villains from space. Not really scary, but very violent. 

Without spoiling anything, I will say that the film does tackle a few issues that you normally wouldn't think of when watching a movie like this, and it introduces a few ideas that are certainly welcomed, at least by me. 

In the film, one of the protagonists is an autistic child. I've seen autistic people portrayed in many different ways, from spastic, socially awkward nerds (Like in one of my most hated television shows of all time, The Big Bang Theory) to human supercomputers (Like in Rain Man). The Predator lands somewhere near the latter, with the kid being incredibly smart, and that actually plays a huge part in the movie. 

 

Thomas Jane and Keegan-Michael Key are in the movie, and after seeing Thomas Jane play the Punisher, it was exciting to see him. Luckily, the two don't spend two minutes in the movie just for marquee value, like Bryan Cranston in Godzilla (2014). 

SPOILER ALERT

The reason why the Predator species take human spines and skulls as trophies is for DNA and spinal fluid. In some sort of eugenics program, Predators are taking DNA from the Earth's greatest subjects, and genetically splicing themselves with it to create stronger and smarter hunters. 

This ends up with the humans fighting a "Super Predator" and having an epic fight. Truly, humans have never fought something this badass in the entire Predator series. 

END OF SPOILERS

This one has a lot of action and humor, certainly more than the others. In fact, if you ask me, the film sometimes feels like it focuses too much on the action scenes and humor. Whenever the dialogue dragged on, when there wasn't a Predator or people dying on screen, it just made me wish for more Predator action. 

Not to say there isn't a complex story going on, though. There are elements of man vs society, man vs beast and even man vs self.

I won't ruin any of the jokes, but I can't call the jokes clever. They're more like jokes you'd find in an adult comedy starting Seth Rogen. However, some jokes and callbacks to the original fall flat, and feel forced. "Get to the choppers" was an especially dumb one. 

Oh, and at the end, it sets itself up for a sequel so hard, it kinda hurts. It's so stupid, but I guess it's also kinda cool what's revealed at the end.

My only other complaint with the movie is the title. Did "Predator: Evolution" get shot down? That would've been a way better title! The Predator makes it sound like a remake of the original, which I think may hurt it in the long run. 

Overall, this was a very enjoyable movie that I'd certainly see again. To get the most enjoyment out of this movie, see it with friends. I give it a 7.5/10. 

Final Thought: I wanted to laugh at the idea of an autistic Predator, but against all odds, I didn't think about it too much. I'm also a little bit of a liar.

Son of So I Went to Party City

You know, it might get harder and harder every year to find funny, unique things. Next year, it might not even be Party City. At least going there is free. Let's see what I found.

Buuuut my camera screwed up. Apparently, Blogger doesn't like photos from my IPhone. I'm sure they've worked before, but apparently, it doesn't like it. So the high-quality photos I took are useless. So, we're going to do something different. We're going to take the fight to Party City's website and scavenge for stuff to laugh at.

This is a glow-in-the-dark candy bucket. Frankly, we never used buckets. We could afford them, mind you, we just didn't use them. A pillow case and a van are all you need. A glow-in-the-dark bucket just confirms that you've got weak wrists to everyone outside.

If I haven't made this joke already, I'll make it now. This is called the "Supreme Elsa Costume". When I actually went to Party City, I saw that it was on clearance for ten dollars. "ELSA SUPREME! ELSA DISNEY CASHCOW! ELSA ON CLEARANCE"

Now this is a decoration you get if you want to be a dick to somebody. This is known as a "Pumpkin Screamer". When the lights go on, this thing screams. Imagine, if you will, hiding this small pumpkin behind something in your grandma's kitchen. Now imagine that she doesn't know you put it there. If you found pleasure in that thought, you might be powerfully insane.

Thanks. Now I'm not going to drink at your party, Tom. I knew I smelled something wrong, and I'm pretty sure absinthe isn't supposed to be blue, like Tide.

Now this is realistic and evil. It's the "Peeping Tom", the most realistic and common of monsters. Seriously, this is really creepy. It's strange to consider the scariest monster can be a normal human being. DID I JUST BLOW YOUR MIND?!

If you wear this shirt, you're asking to get punched by a drunk person.

Ah! Scary!

Well, screw you too. I drink the boos to forget that I'll never own a house.

Pipe or Electric? I know a church that has an old one they don't need.

This was listed as a "Friendly prop". If looking malformed and creepy is considered friendly, consider me Mr. Rodgers.

I'm guessing if you've ever worn this costume, there's a 4 in 5 chance you haven't seen Scream. Also, if you haven't, watch Scream.

Public Domain Horror Movie Reccomendations III

It's back, and better than ever.

That time of year again, folks. Another October, and another Halloween. Time for more links to public domain horror movies, that'll surely be broken in no time because YouTube doesn't understand how the public domain and copyright laws work. I'll need to fix the links from the previous installments, but while we're here, let's enjoy some movies you can (LEGALLY) watch for free. Also, I must note that there are a lot of silent public domain movies. This year, I'll only keep it to one silent movie, and I'll save it for the end so you don't lose your interest, like, right away. Let's begin.

The Robot vs. The Aztec Mummy

Made in 1958, and the first Mexican production in this series, this one shows that America doesn't hold the entire pie when it comes to campy cult movies. Without even watching the movie, and with some basic knowledge of Mesoamerican cultures, you'd know at least one thing. The Aztecs didn't mummify their dead, and they certainly didn't have hieroglyphics. That would be the Egyptians, Guillermo Calderón. The Aztecs lived in Mexico, and this is a Mexican production. That would be like if I made a movie called The Pilgrims Fight the Loch Ness Monster.

I should also note that this is the third in a series of Aztec mummy movies, but strangely, it's the most famous, thanks to Mystery Science Theater 3000. The entire trilogy was shot in 1957, and it shows.

The whole movie, and even the MST3K episode are available online on YouTube for free, so you can watch a movie made in Mexico slightly older than my dad.

The Terror

This one's a gigantic doozy. Rodger Corman had just filmed 1963's The Raven. Filming was done 3 days ahead of schedule, so rather than send everyone home, Corman paid a dude to write a script, they shot some footage with Boris Karloff, sent him home, and filmed an entire story around that footage. The result is a goddamn mess, and the project was tossed around several directors, including Francis Ford Coppola and Jack Nicholson, before they were even famous. 

I won't tell you anything about the plot, mainly because I don't hate myself enough to comprehend this dumpster fire of a movie.

According to Boris Karloff: 

"Corman had the sketchiest outline of a story. I read it and begged him not to do it. He said "That's alright Boris, I know what I'm going to do. I want you for two days on this." I was in every shot, of course. Sometimes I was just walking through and then I would change my jacket and walk back. He nearly killed me on the last day. He had me in a tank of cold water for about two hours. After he got me in the can he suspended operations and went off and directed two or three operations to get the money, I suppose... [The sets] were so magnificent... As they were being pulled down around our ears, Roger was dashing around with me and a camera, two steps ahead of the wreckers. It was very funny."

 

Attack of the Giant Leeches

See my entry on The Killer Shrews, or watch The Killer Shrews. Then replace the word "Shrew" with "Leech". Screaming. Radiation. Leeches. Possibly an insult to your intelligence. Watch it anyway. 

Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror

Folks, in no way do I support piracy or theft, but I'd like to tell you a story. This was an unauthorized adaptation of Bram Stoker's Dracula, one of my favorite books of all time. Even though several measures were taken, Stoker's estate and heirs had a court order the destruction of all copies of this film. 

This wonderfully shot, beautifully made film was only saved due to piracy, in a time when film preservation wasn't taken seriously. Had it not been for these early preservers of film (or pirates, as they would be known) this movie would be forever lost to time. If anything, Nosferatu boils the book down to about 80 minutes without long strings of boring dialogue. And remember: If you don't watch it, Nosferatu will mess with the lights. 

See? You made him happy.