Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The History of Libraries: Part Two

So, where we last left off, the Library of Alexandria burned down. The sad part is, Rome sort of went along with it, but that's a different story altogether.
But that's a different story.

Skipping to the Early Middle Ages, monastery libraries developed, such as one of the most important ones at the Abbey of Montecassino in Italy. Books, being priceless tomes of knowledge, were usually chained to the shelves, reflecting the fact that manuscripts, which were created via the labour-intensive process of hand copying, were valuable possessions. And when I mean valuable, I mean... Valuable. Worth their weight in silver, perhaps.

Yeah, this is back in the days before the printing press. Don't know what a printing press is?

This. This is a printing press.

Back in the day, if you wanted to read the Bible, there were a few things to consider. 

1. You probably couldn't read it. 
2. You needed to go to church to hear the Bible being read.

Did you want your own Bible?

Too bad. Before the days of the printing press, you couldn't have one, unless you were... You know, the church. This is partially a literacy thing, and partially a "Books are wicked expensive" thing. The church had money and educated people who could read latin. If you weren't part of the church, you had to go to church every Sunday and hoped that the Priest was translating the latin correctly. 

Okay, so you're not a part of the church. And you want a book that's NOT the Bible. Do you have money? Good. Do you have a lot of money? Perhaps. Can you wait 20 years? Didn't think so. 

Imagine taking a book, copying it page for page, and making sure that there are absolutely no mistakes. That's what creating a book was like before the printing press. The only book available back then was the Bible. Really, if you wanted anything else, you weren't in much luck, as other books were kept in these libraries. And you couldn't really take these books with you. Well, you could... I guess.  

Many libraries loaned books if provided with security deposits (usually money or a book of equal value). Lending was a means by which books could be copied and spread. In 1212 the council of Paris condemned those monasteries that still forbade loaning books, reminding them that lending is one of the chief works of mercy. Good on the Catholic Church, I suppose.

The early libraries located in monastic cloisters and associated with scriptoria were collections of lecterns with books chained to them. Shelves built above and between back-to-back lecterns were the beginning of book presses. The chain was attached at the fore-edge of a book rather than to its spine. Book presses came to be arranged in carrels (perpendicular to the walls and therefore to the windows) in order to maximize lighting, with low bookcases in front of the windows.

However, it would be the printing press that would change the library forever.

To be Continued...

Don't worry. I can't wait either.






Wednesday, June 14, 2017

The Environmental Effects of the Meat Industry, AKA: I Got Much Better at Coding



Did you miss me?

For my final project in my HTML programming class, we were tasked with writing an entire website. The project also dealt with environmental issues, so I decided to choose the meat industry!

For starters, I am not a vegetarian. I sure as heck don't look or eat like one. Regardless, the world has a problem. An eating problem. Specifically, the world eats way too much meat for the world to keep up. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a crisis.

It took millions and millions of years, but humans made it to the top of the food chain, due to our highly-evolved brains. Our most brilliant scientists have recently discovered that Neanderthals, AKA Cavemen, were possibly much more herbivorous than we used to assume. And that makes sense. Before fire and tools, it was very difficult to force a 500-lb proto-deer to the ground with brute strength. Unless if you're Ted Nugent, I suppose.

Once we became homo sapiens, everything started to change. It was slow at first, but then again, do humans like to stay slow? 10,000 years ago, the agricultural revolution began. With it, came animal husbandry and society as we know it. Ever since then, humans have made more and more land for the cattle, swine, sheep and chicken to roam. Even now, roaming is out of the question for some poor animals, stuck in cages, being force-fed antibiotics to make sure that hungry customers don't get sick.

If I haven't chased you off yet, I implore you to check out this website, to learn a few things, and to think twice about what you eat and take for granted. Again, I'm no vegan, but it wouldn't hurt to eat a little less meat. I hope you enjoy my stupid website and learn something from it. I certainly did.

Read the Rest Here!

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Begotten, Not Made: The Nature of God


I currently am taking a summer class about religion. This is the result of me thinking about one of the main arguments that God exists.

Oh God, literally. Where do we begin? God has been described as many things. A bearded man in white robes akin to Zeus or Odin, a kind and gentle creator, who created the universe out of love and kindness, a vengeful spirit that smites the souls of lesser beings that dare speak ill of his name, and then there’s the view of God not being a man in the first place, which makes all of this confusing. People seem to have a lot of answers. They all happen to contradict, and yet, this doesn’t bother people putting those arguments forward. My explanation to the nature of God is as such: There is no way through science, logic, reasoning, or mathematics that God could be defined, described, or identified. We cannot fully comprehend our creator. Though many have dared to try, including natural theology’s number one superstar: Thomas Aquinas, AKA: “The Dumb Ox”. If I can’t pick apart the beliefs of somebody called “The Dumb Ox”, then that says a lot about what I know about religion, and how much I’ve paid attention in class.

Where should I begin to put Aquinas down, using my 500-year advantage of scientific discovery and progress? It’s necessary to start from the first argument: The Argument from Motion. “Nothing can move itself. If every object in motion had a mover, then the first object in motion needed a mover. Movement cannot go on for infinity. This first mover is the Unmoved Mover, called God.” So, this is basically restating Newton’s law of motion. A good start, but it’s odd to assume that the first mover is God, at least in my opinion.

The second argument of five: Causation of Existence, basically restates the previous argument, just without the whole “Motion” thing. “There exists things that are caused (created) by other things. Nothing can be the cause of itself (nothing can create itself.) There cannot be an endless string of objects causing other objects to exist. Therefore, there must be an uncaused first cause called God.” I have a question: How do we know God was uncaused? There is no evidence that explains that there was not an endless string or not. This proves that there is either an infinite string, or no string at all, being that the universe just came into being out of nothing, which is just as confusing.

The third: Contingent and Necessary Objects. “Contingent beings are caused. Not every being or creature can be contingent. There must exist a being which is necessary to cause contingent beings. This necessary being is what we know as God.” Again, this assumes that God exists, and doesn’t prove it.

The main problem with the first three arguments of the great cosmological argument is that they all seem to assume that God exists. Let me explain. I find it very odd that he uses the term “Called God” as if the God that we’ve studied is the only logical choice. The three claims tend to stray towards the belief that only God could have created the universe, when it’s quite possible, due to scientific evidence, that the cosmological argument does not explain how the universe came into being.

As for the “First Mover” argument, the one that holds the most ground in terms of logic, also, paradoxically, gives the greatest counter-argument. If the universe could not have existed, had there been a first mover, being God in this case, that would also mean God existed before the universe. This raises a gigantic question about God and the nature of the universe. Since energy cannot be created or destroyed, and if God moved the universe into being, having existed before the universe, which would mean that both God and/or energy would have had to exist before the universe, which by all logical standings, makes absolutely no sense.

You can’t create something unless you exist. But since the universe is everything, and you existed before it, it must be assumed that you were created yourself. The only semi-legitimate answer that I could think of is that God created himself. But watch out! This would also contradict the “First Mover” argument, as one needs to exist before one is able to create. This means, by the laws governed and stated by the cosmological argument, that the only way that this could have happened is that if God and the universe were created at the same moment, which the bible contradicts, stating that God came first, bringing the universe into existence, leaving us with the ultimate paradox, akin to the “God lifting a rock he could/couldn’t lift” conundrum.

I’ve spent plenty of time on this paper explaining about how I’m right, but the question persists: What if I’m not right? Perhaps I’m not. Perhaps I should look at things a different way, and try to understand where Saint Thomas Aquinas was coming from in his cosmological argument. Given the time and lack of scientific evidence, I will forgive Aquinas’s possible lack of knowledge of the laws of motion and the laws of energy.

The one counter-argument that comes to mind is “Aquinas would have noticed the paradox, so there shouldn’t be one”. This is a good argument, but as I’ve stated, his understanding of the universe is one before the times of Newton. If he could read and write, I’m pretty sure he understood logic quite well. Aquinas seems to leave out any other possibility of how the universe could have been created, God or no God.

The point is, Saint Thomas’s Cosmological Argument neither proves nor disproves the existence of God. While it makes many assumptions, many of these assumptions are based on logic and understanding of how things work. No, these do not give us a definitive answer, but neither do they lack in a basic understanding of logic. The final answer is that there is no answer. As I’ve stated before, if we know so little about our own universe, then there’s no way that we can even begin to understand who or what God is.

The real question remains, however: Why did God create the universe? And what are we to him? Who knows? Perhaps, this universe was begotten, not made. That’s right, I like to bookend things. Maybe God doesn’t exist, maybe God does exist. Maybe he wants us to know the secrets of the universe, and perhaps, it would be better if we didn’t know at all. Perhaps we should have never tasted the fruit of knowledge.

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

Jack's Dream Journal (Volume One)


It's odd. I only remember two dreams from my childhood fondly. I once dreamt that I was at a birthday party, and one of the gifts that the birthday boy/girl received was a replica of Charlie McCarthy.

Now, if you don't know who Charlie McCarthy is, turn off your device, go into your bedroom, and thank any deity you can think of, even if you choose not to partake in a monotheistic religion. There's a good chance that you might after seeing Slappy the Dummy's ancestor.


To quote the film Predator: "If it bleeds, we can kill it"
Wood doesn't bleed.

So, in the dream, as soon as the box was opened, Charlie popped out and began to chase me. I remember waking up, screaming. I then went back to sleep and had the same dream. Life sucks sometimes. 

What's important to note here is that dreams are often a reflection of real life. I can draw a logical conclusion to this dream, since when I was a young child, my brothers and I would watch the 1947 Disney film Fun and Fancy Free, which featured the said hellspawn. 

What I decided to do was try and list dreams whenever I could remember them, after waking up. From these, I'm going to try and figure out why I had these dreams. I've also realized that I could do this for a while. Let's have some fun. 

4/5/17 - It's late. I'm in my old bedroom, watching VHS movies. I put on old movie of monsters attacking people. Includes medusa and other terrifying  creatures that I am too afraid to look at. Hide behind bed. Cover self with blanket. Scary part ends, turn on all lights, including sit-down Pac-Man machine. Eject VHS after Peter Pan is turned to stone by medusa, the after credits scene of the movie. Put on some random Disney movie. Wake up.

My grandparents have an old Pac-Man "cocktail-style" machine at their cabin.

Everything else, I can't really say why it's there. Maybe it's because I really like having things in my bedroom. I don't like leaving my bedroom sometimes.

4/6/17 - Dreamed of a cool idea for a game. It's like the new Friday the 13th Game, but for kids. Four kids use toys to battle monsters inside of nightmares. 4 vs 1 concept. That actually sounds pretty cool.

I've wanted to design video games for a long time, and I was really looking forward to the new Friday the 13th game. I guess I just wanted to see if I could market that to kids.

4/11/17 - Had a REALLY weird dream that was a movie about a moral lesson, but somehow, someone got bit by a dinosaur.

Conclusion: I think about dinosaurs too much.

4/12/17 - I was eating popcorn, and there were ants in it. I didn't mind.

This hits home hard, as I've been gaining weight. I think this is my brain telling me that I shouldn't shove things into my mouth, especially if I know that they're bad for me.

4/27/17 - Had a dream where Kylo Ren ends up killing Luke Skywalker in the new Star Wars movie. Jesus, I hope this doesn't happen.

It could happen. I'm afraid it might happen. And you fear it, too.

5/21/17 - Dreamed that I got drunk, resulting in me falling on a young child, then joining a musical which I had never heard of.

I used to be in musicals. I'm not quite sure about the falling on children while drunk part.

5/18/17 - Had a really long dream where I found a secret used books store where they were selling novelizations of Simpsons episodes, each one of them as thick as Harry Potter books, costing around 100 bucks. The strangest part is that in order to find this book store, I had to travel past a maze of weird holographic walls, the kind that would show different images depending on the angle you looked at them from.

I'm completely stumped here.

See you next time.

Monday, March 13, 2017

The Other 8-Bit System, AKA: I'm Learning How to Code!

As an apology for the lack of creativity and effort in the last post, here's something that I'd really like to share with all of you! I'm currently in a coding class, learning how to write for the web! So, as a 1-2-Punch, here's a web page I coded, about the first video game system I ever played!

http://personal.stthomas.edu/dock2993/cojo258/exercises/styles.html

It also wouldn't hurt for me to try coding an entire blog website by myself. That could be the evolution of this blog. We'll find out in the future. For now, enjoy!

At the request/suggestion of a friend, I was thinking of uploading more D&D/RPG stories. I'll see you next time! 

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Nothing Ever Ends

An Essay by Jack Dockendorf


Alan Moore’s Watchmen, published as a 12-issue series in late 1986 by DC Comics is widely considered to be the most outstanding example of its kind, Watchmen has a Hugo Award under its belt, and is the only graphic novel listed on Time Magazine’s top 100 books list. It was a commercial success, and because of its popularity, DC eclipsed Marvel Comics in profits for nearly a year. In 2009, director Zach Snyder brought the graphic novel to the big screen, and the film adaptation became a summer blockbuster. It was both praised and criticized for taking some liberties from the graphic novel, while mostly keeping to the story.

        Watchmen is set in an alternate reality that closely mirrors the real world of the 1980s. The primary difference is the presence of “superheroes”. The point of divergence between the Watchmen universe and the universe we live in today occurs in the year 1939, when a few cops, struggling with masked criminals, decided to fight fire with fire, becoming the first group of masked heroes known as “The Minutemen”. Their existence in this version of America is shown to have dramatically affected and altered the outcomes of real-world events such as the Enola Gay being painted with the Silk Spectre’s likeness, Dr. Manhattan single-handedly winning Vietnam War within a week, and Richard Nixon being president for five terms, as he is seen as a necessary evil.

        In keeping with the realism of the series, although the costumed crime fighters of Watchmen are commonly called "superheroes", only one (Doctor Manhattan) possesses any superhuman powers, almost godlike in nature. To put it briefly, Dr. Manhattan has the power to grow to any size, see in four dimensions, teleport, shoot energy blasts, and rearrange molecules on a subatomic level. He could turn the plutonium in a nuclear bomb into snow by lifting a finger. The war in Vietnam ends with a U.S. victory in 1971 and Nixon is still president as of October 1985. The Russian invasion of Afghanistan occurs years later than in real life, and from then on, things only get worse.

        When the story begins, tensions between the two nations has grown to a boiling point. The only deterrent against both nations starting a third world war is Dr. Manhattan and his godlike powers. However, superheroes grew unpopular amongst the police and more importantly, the public, which lead to the passage of a legislation (the Keene Act) in 1977 to outlaw them. While many of the heroes retired, Dr. Manhattan and a long-time compatriot known as The Comedian operate as government agents, serving under Nixon. Another hero, known as Rorschach, continues to operate outside the law, serving as a vigilante.

        During the opening page of the first issue, The Comedian is shown to be the victim of an unknown assailant. After a brief fight, The Comedian is thrown through a window and falls to his death. Before long, it becomes clear that someone is hunting down the Watchmen, and the investigation begins as Rorschach picks up The Comedian’s bloodied Smiley Face pin, beginning the plot.

        Watchmen has been praised by fans for its incredible, lush, deep story that unfolds through flashbacks, allusions, comparisons to real life, and the social-political atmosphere of the graphic novel’s publication. As such, Watchmen is no stranger to fan theories, expanded fan works, and a healthy dose of over-analyzation, much to Alan Moore’s distaste.

        Over twelve issues, themes of revenge, justice, war, peace, and everything in-between are discussed in each chapter. The audience is shown the perspective of the main cast, and are brought into their psyche, making the world of Watchmen feel all the more real when many of the historical events shown in the graphic novel reflect that of the real world. Watchmen is no stranger to focused, intelligent readers, and has been dissected for close to three decades.

        Interestingly enough, when the movie adaptation hit the big screen in 2009, many of the themes discussed during the original publication date of 1986 were still very relevant, as the United States was currently fighting two wars in the Middle East, and tensions with Russia seemed to devolve back to the Cold War style of thinking. With threats of weapons of mass destruction, the fine line between science fiction and reality decomposes further and further, as millions of civilians are shown to be killed when the main villain, Ozymandias, releases a monster into the streets of New York City, masking it as an alien invasion.

        As quoted by Dr. Manhattan himself near the end of the twelfth and final issue, replying to Ozymandias, “Nothing ever ends”. Watchmen challenges the reader, stating that change may exist, but nothing truly ends. In this context, Dr. Manhattan is telling Ozymandias that the “utopia” he created will not last forever. “Humans” says Rorschach, “are savages by their very nature. No matter how much you try and dress it up”. In this context, it means that the idea of a utopia may last, but due to the violent tendencies of mankind, another cold war or worse-another world war-is all too inevitable.

This post is meant to discuss the nature of humanity’s seemingly self-destructive nature, the usage of symbols in both the graphic novel and the motion picture, and what will happen to the world of Watchmen after the final page of the book. Most importantly, this article is meant to discuss one of the most insightful quotes in the book, spoken by Dr. Manhattan to Ozymandias before disappearing, leaving Earth for good. “In the end? Nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”

        Watchmen was written in the twilight of the Cold War, which had lasted close to four decades at that point. By then, the Soviets had invaded Afghanistan, and the United States had lost a near decade-long war with Vietnam. Nuclear war seemed all too real, and the most frightening part was that it could be triggered by either nation making a single mistake, a concept that the graphic novel touches upon as one of its main points.

        Even though peace between nations would come during the fall of the Soviet Union, every passing moment could have meant the end of humanity. Both the United States and Russia had stockpiled hordes of nuclear weapons, and for nearly half a century there was an uneasy peace between the two superpowers, neither one wanting to make the first move, but always prepared to finish the fight if it was started.

        When one country built a big bomb, the other country built a bigger bomb. When the United States put nuclear missiles in range of Russia, the Soviets did the same, and placed a generous stockpile of megaton warheads and rockets in Cuba, not too far off of the coast of Florida. The United States knew that the Soviets would take advantage of this, and tried to overthrow Cuba’s communist government in the failed Bay of Pigs invasion.

        In any war, one side will cast the other as an evil, unstoppable entity. This way, it can draw an everlasting support from its citizens, and it was because of this that the term “evil” was thrown both left and right. In the ‘60s, the U.S fought and firebombed Vietnam, while in the ‘70s, the USSR launched a campaign against Afghanistan. The Soviets had supplied weapons to Viet Kong, while the Americans supplied weapons to the Mujahedeen, the effects of which can still be felt today, as Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and ISIS run rampant in the Middle East, using both Russian and American weapons to wage their terrorist wars.

        On a separate note, superheroes, masked vigilantes and the like, had been popular since before the Second World War. After the advent of characters like Superman and Batman, Detective Comics, now known as DC Comics, had become a rising star in the world of print. The characters that followed both Batman and Superman in the following decades would help mold an entire multimedia franchise, only rivaled by DC’s biggest competitor, Marvel Comics.

        However, in the ‘80s, the world of comics had taken a drastic turn. Comics were becoming darker and more violent. Books like Frank Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns, Batman: The Killing Joke and The Death of Superman storyline were published by DC Comics in a direct response to Marvel Comic’s maturing intended audience. It was at this point when all the quirkiness of the Silver Age of Comics, (The ‘60s and ‘70s) with all of its WHAMs, BIFFs, and POWs being replaced with death, blood, and angst. DC had to release something monumental, something outside of the normal continuity. No Superman, no Wonder Woman, no Joker. Instead, it would be a cold, bleak mirror of reality. A reality where superheroes were real, but many of the world’s problems were out of their reach.

        As the books were published in 1986 through 1987, by that time, the Soviet Union was collapsing. With President Reagan and Chairman Gorbachov in office, there was an extraordinary support for peace between the two nations. The American dream was coming true, it seemed, which made Watchmen’s story of an ever-closing nuclear war and Nixon serving his fifth term all the more bleak and horrifying.

        However, the world was far from safe. The Doomsday Clock, a symbol for humanity’s closeness to a catastrophic event, had been maintained since 1947. Over the years, it had gone up and down, mirroring events that have both lead to peace, or have poked the bear, so to speak. By 1986, the Doomsday Clock was at three minutes to midnight, a position only rivaled during 1949, when both the United States and the Soviet Union both tested atomic bombs within nine months of each other. The only time the Doomsday Clock had gone any lower was during the Cuban Missile Crisis, where it stood at two minutes to midnight, the closest point the clock has ever been to midnight. As of 2015, the clock stands at three minutes to midnight.

       The Doomsday clock appears in Watchmen, where during the opening of the movie, scientists had moved it to five minutes to midnight. Political analysts argue whether this has any real rhetorical significance, and over the following days, the clock slowly creeps towards midnight, and reaches its lowest point when Dr. Manhattan leaves Earth, feeling disconnected from humanity after learning that his former love had only six months to live, among many other, depressing reasons. The United States (In Watchmen) had no defense against the Soviet Union.

Due to humanity’s need for violence and need for a “fraternity of conflict” so to speak, humans are violent in nature. As such, humans will try and form groups to gather support, and to a greater extent, these groups will fight for them. All it comes down to is communication and the rhetorical context. How humans react to danger, the threat of danger, and the deterrents of danger, is based on human nature, and typically, what humans communicate to other humans, be it through television, comic books, or even video games. Once again, it is impossible not to communicate.

Since Watchmen is based on historical events, and connects to the audience with characters that they connect with, the key rhetorical concept being used is the narrative paradigm. In a nutshell, the narrative paradigm suggests human beings experience and comprehend life as a series of ongoing narratives, a story so to speak, with its own conflicts, characters, beginning, middle, and end. All forms of communication that appeal to reason are best viewed as stories shaped by history, culture, and character.

Thus, it makes sense why in the real world, “evil” is a very common term thrown around. It makes sense for a world leader (Take George W. Bush as an example) would be able to draw such a strong influence to support a strong cause (Take the war on terror as an example). To put it bluntly, the United States loves to call itself the hero. The liberators of Europe from Germany twice in a row, the defenders of southern Korea, and the brave heroes who fought to the last stand in the jungles of Vietnam. Even recent events show that when the United States makes an enemy, it loves to see itself as the “good guy”.

Take a look at the Second World War from the perspective of any first-person shooter, action movie, or comic book. It’s clear who the villains are, what they want, and how they’re going to do it. In the case of world war II, the Nazis, Italians, and Japanese were the clear enemies. It’s so clear, in fact, that the allied powers dubbed them “The Axis of Evil”. Evil isn’t a term used lightly in politics, keep in mind. “Evil” and “wicked” are powerful words, only reserved for the most despicable, sinful, immoral and malevolent beings on the face of the earth. In this case, it worked well.

It took “The Axis of Evil” little more than a few years to have most of Europe under its control. Like Sauron’s black army in The Lord of the Rings, it was an unstoppable, evil force, which if left unchecked, would swallow up the earth, leading it into an age of darkness and despair. When news of the holocaust came out, that Germany was putting millions of Jews and Gypsies to death. Truly, an evil act, if one is going by the dictionary definition.

Once the United States sent their “brave soldiers” over into Germany, the liberation had begun. The French saw them as heroes, the Jews and Gypsies freed from concentration camps called them angels, and yet, it didn’t matter what the Nazis called the Americans. Why? The Nazis were evil cowards who hid behind technology developed to keep them safe. It’s curious to see why many Nazi scientists were captured by the United States instead of put to death, like many Nazi commanders and officials. Perhaps it was because their “evil technology” could become good, when put in the hands of the righteous, heroic American scientists.

Going back to more modern events, the War on Terror is the most recent, and perhaps the most fitting example of violence breeding violence. As said by the former president himself:

“My administration has a job to do and we’re going to do it. We will rid the world of the evil-doers.”

“Evil-doer”, ironically, is a very comic-book term. It’s exactly what it says on the tin: A doer of evil. It doesn’t get more Saturday morning cartoonish than “Evil-doer”. In fact, in this 13-minute press conference, President Bush used the word “evil” nine times. Surprisingly, he used the term “evil-doer” five times. To put that into perspective, Bush only used the term “Terrorist” three times. (Author’s note: I wish I was making this up)

To put it even further into perspective, Bush mentioned “evil” and “evil-doer” more than five times more frequently than he used the word terrorist. He did not use the term “militant” or “freedom fighter” in this speech at all. It became clear to the citizens of the United States that George W. Bush was completely serious about what he was saying. The United States, once again, would have to defeat the forces of evil.

In addition, Bush used the term “Crusade” to describe what the War on Terror would be like. The last crusade before then was fought nearly 500 years prior, where European knights took up the sword to fight the “evil menace of Islam” that was spreading throughout the Middle-East at the time. This “Crusade” is another example of rhetoric. During the middle ages, religion was a much larger part of life, and thus, people were much more faithful to the church, and by extension, they were more afraid of God’s wrath.

Before the first crusade, Christians were for the most part, unaware of the spread of Islam was about to reach Jerusalem. When the pope sent out a message that a “Crusade” was needed, thousands and thousands of peasants and knights rose up for the holy land, to fight on the side of good, in a series of holy wars that would last for centuries. The most important concept about the first crusade was that the pope would absolve the sins of those who died fighting in the name of Christianity.

Back to the early 2000s, the president of the United States used the term “Crusade” to describe the war against terrorism. To recap, the leader of the United States was using comic book style terms like “good”, “evil” and “evil-doer” to kick-start “A War on Terror” that would bring peace through what can only be described as a crusade. Truly, this was the ultimate battle of good vs. evil that the United Stated hadn’t fought in since World War II. It didn’t take the United States long to mobilize a force of a few thousand soldiers to take Afghanistan from the terrorists. The man responsible for the September 11th attacks would be killed almost a decade later, and thus, the people rejoiced in the streets, as justice had been served, as far as they knew.

This may also pertain to Rorschach’s black and white Silver-Age style mentality of thinking. Rorschach believes in absolute good and absolute evil, and thus, he is the hero of his own story. He believes that he’s the best hope for humanity on the streets, and thus, isn’t afraid to dispatch the common thug on the streets in the most violent way possible. Rorschach honestly believes he is a true hero, but falls under the guise of what’s known as an “anti-hero” as, while he is a hero, and has great intentions, his methods are quite unheroic. For example, just to get a few answers he needed, he broke the fingers of a man dying of cancer after invading his home, curious about why he was at The Comedian’s funeral. It only angered Rorschach even further when the man knew The Comedian’s secret identity, and thus, he broke another finger.

This also explains Ozymandias’s final plan. Being a more “Superman” type hero, Ozymandias believes that there is a large grey area between total good and evil. What Ozymandias believed is similar to an old Vulcan proverb: “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few”. Ozymandias believed that he could save humanity from the evils of war by doing evil himself, making a sacrifice to save the rest of humanity, so to speak.

However, the term “evil" is relative. The Nazis, for example, genuinely believed that the Jews were a stain on society, and believed that Europe would be saved if all impurities were chopped off, like a tumor. This is similar to what Ozymandias did/believed. Killing a group of millions to save billions, while masking it up with a lie. In real life, the Nazi plan never came into full fruition, and it certainly didn’t stop millions of people from going to war and killing one another.

However, Ozymandias’s plan worked, and most of the Watchmen believed that he had won when he turned the television on to see that Richard Nixon had been going into peace talks with the Russian authorities. Ozymandias’s plan, as far as he thought, was completed. After Rorschach was atomized by Dr. Manhattan, there was seemingly nothing that could stop his utopia from coming into fruition, a utopia based on a lie, and the murder of millions. It makes sense that Nite Owl was a bit angered by this, and began to attack Ozymandias.

Nietzsche explains that the terms for good and evil are based on what the “master class” says what it is. Things like poverty and lower-class behaviors are what are perceived as immoral acts. Uncleanliness, theft, murder, and the like are commonly seen as evil because that’s how the rich man wants it to be seen. Things like tax evasion, embezzlement, and other white-collar crimes are commonly avoided in mass media, because that’s not what’s seen as “evil” in modern culture.

Ozymandias believes that what he did was below him, and was done for the greater good, but all he did was prove that rich and poor are no different, in a sense of morality. Both rich men and poor men are both humans, and thus, are capable of the same amounts of violence. It just depends who has the stronger words. In this case, Ozymandias failed to prove that he was above the law, and thus, was no different than a tyrannical dictator with a bomb. Truly, nothing ever ends.

The real message of Watchmen is that humans are savage by nature, and no matter how much death and destruction they cause, they’ll be willing to cause more and more until it swallows itself in a blaze of hot ash and fire. Over and over again, criminals, corrupt police, and even men in masks are shown to be capable of massive amounts of death and destruction. Humans will kill each other over the pettiest things-be it revenge, counter-revenge, or mishearing some information about someone taking revenge-as this was the case for Nite Owl, when he found out that a street gang had brutally murdered his mentor, the first to be known as Nite Owl, in his own auto repair shop. Unbeknownst to the current Nite Owl, his mentor was targeted, just because the thugs thought he was the current Nite Owl. It and turns into a sad twist of fate, with just a wedge of stupidity.

Unfortunately, that is the way how many of the Watchmen meet their fate. Just because of miscommunication, a sad twist of bad luck, or simply running out of time. It happens over and over again, and it becomes more and clearer to the audience that nothing ever changes. Two things are certain in life, Watchmen proposes; bad luck, such as getting a cape stuck in a revolving door, or running out of time, as The Comedian learned as he was thrown out a window. Plummeting to his death, he could only laugh at how sudden it would be, and how many people he would splash with blood as he would hit the concrete with enough force to crack the pavement.

To put it more bluntly (No pun intended, as the first Nite Owl was bludgeoned to death) human nature doesn’t change, and once again, nothing ever ends. Time and time again, humans have been shown to be capable of unspeakable acts of cruelty, in all parts of the world, at any point in history. Take Rwanda as an example. Years of oppression and violence by Europeans in the small African country lead to a revolution and greater instability, and with instability came an entire genocide.

According to Joshua Mills-Knutson, philosophy can explain why humans are so violent:

“In human history, physical violence proves to be perhaps the most common response to the threat of evil. Blasphemers are stoned to death, witches are burned at the stake and serial killers are injected with poison. The response is rote. Something evil threatens, and we as human beings respond with some kind of violence. Our metaphors for all sorts of engagement reflect this. In the United States, for example, “wars” have been declared against pressing social evils like poverty and illiteracy.”

“Violence is our modus operandi. Human culture is a culture that confronts even the evil of social ills with violent metaphor if not action. Given this history, it should not have come as a surprise that in the wake of the terror attacks of September 11, 2001, the response was yet again to resort to violence, and unsurprisingly, violence is just what happened in the wake of 9/11.”

In this sense, “War” can mean any conflict, and not just the ones that are fought with guns, germs, and steel. In some ways, it’s a term used to rally support for a more “noble” cause. The “War on Obesity” wasn’t a group of marines shooting overweight children, it was a campaign for healthy eating and exercise. The “War on Drugs”, while it had violent consequences, was initially just a campaign showing how bad drugs could be for your body, with clever slogans like “Winners don’t do drugs” and “Just say no”. However, the latter may have backfired, but that’s beside the point of this essay. But, what can be concluded is that “War” is a term that is more commonly used to describe any minor conflict, instead of the guns, germs and steel kind.

As it is impossible not to communicate, Watchmen communicates its message to the audience in a variety of ways. Since it’s a graphic novel (Or, more simply, a comic book) it was initially made for a commonly segregated audience: Comic readers, dorks, whatever they were known as in the ‘80s. However, after 2008’s Iron Man and The Dark Knight, superhero movies were being created every year, sometimes up to three or four during the summer.

With this new climate, Watchmen was ready to hit the big screen. Since it had more of a cult following than say, more popular superheroes at the time, it made sense for it to become a big screen blockbuster when an avalanche of superhero movies were coming out at the time, as explained in the last paragraph. A few things had to be changed to compensate for the larger audience that Watchmen would have to rake in to make its multi-million dollar budget, much to the distaste of hardcore fans. Nonetheless, Watchmen made back its budget, and received mixed-to-positive reviews from critics and audiences alike.

Since persuasion is a large part of communication, it comes to no surprise that both the graphic novel and the motion picture persuaded many writers at the time. Keep in mind that the political climate was very pro-United States during the ‘80s (Take Red Dawn as an example), which made many writers question who and what they were writing about. What exactly did it mean to be an American? Does it require that one be loyal to the red, white and blue, and that our commander in chief was our supreme leader, or did it mean standing up to what was wrong, no matter what the law said?

Watchmen argues that, indeed, humans should be able to make the choice for themselves. Richard Nixon serving his fifth term, just because “It was either him or the commies” shouldn’t be used as an excuse for an escalating cold war. In fact, Nixon had Dr. Manhattan as his secret weapon, only as a trump card in case if it did come to war. In this sense, Dr. Manhattan was a threat to Russia and the rest of the communists. Dr. Manhattan was, at the time, a government agent, and was obligated to serve his country. By all accounts, he didn’t need to serve the United States, but in keeping touch with his own humanity, he agreed to help them win the Vietnam, and did it within a week.

How Watchmen shows the audience about how humanity can be violent is both simple and quite complex at the same time. The greatest example of this is when Rorschach finds the remains of the little girl he was searching for. Before then, he was “too soft” on criminals, keeping them alive. When he found the little girl’s burned-up underwear in a furnace, and found two dogs fighting over a femur, Rorschach went ballistic, and whatever was left of Walter Kovacks died that night. “Only Rorschach” was left. Rorschach had seen the most despicable act of cruelty a human could do to one another. After butchering the two dogs with a meat cleaver, Rorschach handcuffed the murderer to the furnace, and lit the house on fire. “Men get arrested, dogs get put down”. It became clear to Rorschach that violence created violence, because violent people deserved violent means of execution. A pattern should be clear by now.

Watchmen, in this context could be anti-war propaganda. Propaganda, to put it simply, is a form of highly-biased communication aimed at promoting, or in this case, demoting, certain views and agendas. Propaganda is often associated with the psychological mechanisms of influencing and altering the attitude of a population toward a specific cause, position or political agenda in an effort to form a consensus to a standard set of belief patterns.

Being a comic book from the ‘80s, there’s a great deal of violent images and text. The image of violence can be incredibly powerful, and both the graphic novel and the motion picture have no shortage of blood and gore. For one example, the opening with The Comedian hitting the pavement at terminal velocity splattered blood everywhere. Rorschach losing his grip on sanity and humanity as he butchered a criminal and his two dogs for killing and eating a little girl shocked audiences and readers alike. Last but not least, Dr. Manhattan atomizing Rorschach in the blink of an eye may sound peaceful, but with that comes a bloody explosion.

As discussed before with the War on Terror, people respond and react to violence in many different ways, as part of a fight-or-flight mentality. On both print, and reality, violence is a good way to get an emotion out of someone. When the towers fell, America sprang into action. When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, America sprang into action. When Ozymandias was planning to destroy New York City, Rorschach and Nite Owl sprang into action. Truly, nothing ever ends.

Watchmen is much, much more than just a graphic novel and/or movie, it’s a cultural phenomenon that shook the world of comic books in the ‘80s. It is well-drawn, well-colored, but most importantly, it is well-written. As the writer, Alan Moore, has written other popular works dealing with human nature, justice, and masked heroes doing what they do best, such as V for Vendetta and The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, both of which have also been adapted to the big screen, with varying levels of success.

What many people fail to understand about the world of comic books is that while the characters may be bright and colorful, and the action might seem cartoonish, comic books, at their heart, are just like any work of literature. Without going too much off-tangent, comic book characters are just like normal characters in literature. They all have hopes and dreams, wants and needs, and weaknesses.

The only difference between comic books (And to a greater extent, graphic novels) and regular, text-only books is that comic books are told entirely with pictures, while typically, books with pictures are for children, which may confuse some people. Though, this can be said that it makes imagining things easier for children, but that’s beside the point. Comic books rely on pictures due to the abundance of action, emotion and drama, and typically show what the characters go through instead of just telling, which is a bit easier for readers to understand.

What makes Watchmen stand out is how mature and dark it is, even for its time. And yet, Watchmen can teach the reader so much about human nature, what it means to be a hero, and what it means to fight for peace. Over 12 issues, themes of race, war, humanity and death intertwined with a murder mystery, science fiction and historical fiction

Because of this, the audience may learn that rhetoric can apply to any form of media or communication, no matter how it is perceived. For starters, rhetoric is a concept of communication. Communication and media walk hand-in-hand. Media is strengthened by culture, and to a greater extent, pop culture. Therefore, rhetoric may be used as an example for pop culture, and to be more specific, comic books, graphic novels, Japanese manga, and even the funnies in the Sunday paper all pertain to rhetoric. Truly, nothing ever ends.

Based on evidence from the graphic novel, the film adaptation, and human history, it can be concluded that, truly, violence is a part of human nature, and that humans are indeed violent by nature. Nothing ever ends. Not even the world’s smartest man, Ozymandias, could understand that humans are imperfect and savage by their very nature, and not even in his nigh-infinite intellect and billions of dollars of influence could he see that violence only breeds violence.

Ozymandias’s plan would only work if the other remaining Watchmen would keep his plan a secret that he was behind everything, and was responsible for the deaths of millions to save the earth from itself. Peace based on a lie simply wouldn’t do for Rorschach. Walking outside of Ozymandias’s lair, Rorschach is confronted by Dr. Manhattan. Rorschach knows that Manhattan won’t let him tell everyone the truth, and rips off his mask, begging for Manhattan to “Do it”. With the lift of a finger, Manhattan atomizes Rorschach, killing him instantly. Ozymandias’s plan, as far as he knew, was complete. His utopia, based on a lie and the deaths of millions of Soviets and Americans alike, would not be undone. However, Rorschach had one last trick up his sleeve before leaving with Nite Owl for Antarctica.
“I am cold tonight. Offices below, headstones marking daily graves of thousands. Inside, clock faces, as observed as those of celebrities, hands commence final laps. Oblivion gallops closer, favoring the spur, sparing the rein...I think we will be gone soon. Veidt (Ozymandias) is faster than Dreiberg (Nite Owl). Perhaps faster than me. Return seems unlikely. This last entry. Will shortly mail to only people can trust. Tell Dreiberg I need to check my mail drop. He believes me. If reading this now, whether I am alive or dead, you will know truth. Whatever the precise nature of this conspiracy, Adrian Veidt responsible. Have done best to make this legible. Believe it paints a disturbing picture. Appreciate your recent support and hope world survives long enough for this to reach you. But tanks are in East Berlin and writing is on wall. For my own part, regret nothing. Have lived life, free from compromise...and step into the shadow now without complaint.”

Back in New York, the editor at New Frontiersman Newspaper Company complains about having to pull a two-page column about Russia due to the new political climate. He asks his assistant to find some filler material from the "crank file," a collection of rejected submissions to the paper, many of which have not been reviewed yet. The series ends with the young man reaching towards the pile of discarded submissions, near the top of which is Rorschach's journal. Rorschach may have been atomized by Manhattan, but Manhattan knew what Rorschach had secretly done, and killed Rorschach to convince Ozymandias that there was no way the truth would come out. Knowing Rorschach would never compromise, Manhattan had to put him down for the greater good. Ironic, as his death made the deaths of millions meaningless.

Why Rorschach did this is up to interpretation. However, it can be inferred that, since Rorschach believes in such a black and white morality system, and his unwillingness to compromise, he would rather have humanity eat itself from the inside, thus destroying itself, than live in a world with everlasting peace based on a complete lie. To Rorschach, there is no in-between, and being a human himself, he knew that humans are naturally violent and angry. Why keep humanity from doing what it does best? Eventually, the truth would have been told, and Rorschach knew that what to be done had had to be done. The funny part is that Ozymandias didn’t understand what Manhattan meant when he told him “Nothing Ever Ends” and suddenly vanished. Perhaps being the world’s smartest man comes at the price of wisdom. Truly, nothing ever ends.



Makoni, Sinfree. "Discourses Of Terror: The U.S. From The Viewpoint Of The 'Other'." Applied Linguistics Review 4.1 (2013): 23-42. Communication & Mass Media Complete. Web. 13 May 2016.
Mills-Knutsen, Joshua. "Desire For Destruction: The Rhetoric Of Evil And Apocalyptic Violence." At The Interface / Probing The Boundaries 63.(2011): 287-299. Communication & Mass Media Complete. Web. 13 May 2016.
Moore, Alan, and Dave Gibbons. Watchmen. New York: DC Comics, 1987. Print.
Palczewski, Ice, Fritch, “Rhetoric in Civic Life” Strata Publishing, Inc: State College, Pennsylvania, 2012
Praeg, Leonhard. "Genocide, Or The Aporia Of Collective Violence." At The Interface / Probing The Boundaries 75.(2011): 61-86. Communication & Mass Media Complete. Web. 13 May 2016.
Watchmen. Dir. Zach Snyder. Paramount Home Entertainment, 2009. DVD.



Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Earth on Hell

PREMISE:
It’s business as usual, but everyone is afraid to tell the boss the bad news.
SETTING:
A high-class meeting room, in the back is a billboard, and there’s a window, covered with drapes.
THE CHARACTERS:

Jeremy: Head of human resources. Very emotional, but not much of a man. Died during the sack of Rome in the Fifth Century.  
Louie: The boss. Easygoing, very, very large, but doesn’t like the word “no”. Tries to be “the cool boss” but can’t keep his cool when things go bad.
Phillip: Head of research and development. Former cold-war scientist. Complete smart-ass. Thick Eastern-European accent.
Carl: Head of Operations. Former member of the Spanish Inquisition. Not very smart.
Susan: Head of Marketing. From Wall Street, the newest member here. Still learning the ropes, not quite sure how things work around here QUITE yet.
Adolf: The coffee guy. Has a stupid mustache. Constantly made fun of for trying to start a career as an artist.


(All lights on. Jeremy is pacing, Phillip is looking at a few papers. Adolf is writing down on a small notepad.)


ADOLF
And do you want that with whip or no whip?


CARL
Same as always, whip if they have it!


(Adolf scampers off, the little rascal!)


JEREMY
(Pacing, collecting his thoughts) Okay, come on, This isn’t THAT big of a problem..


PHILLIP
(Looking up from his papers)  Not that big of a problem?


JEREMY
Well, not yet.


PHILLIP
Yes, but if we don’t think of anything, we’re all ****ed. So far, you’ve thought of nothing but different ways to stick your thumb up your ass and pace across the floor like a ****ing idiot, Jeremy!


JEREMY
Well, do you have any bright ideas, Phil? At least I’m doing something besides twiddling my thumbs and sitting down!


PHILLIP
You’ve been pacing and worrying for the last hour, Jeremy!


JEREMY
Worrying and pacing are things, Phillip! I’m not perfect!


PHILLIP
Understatement of the century, Jeremy. Understatement of a century...


(Susan stands up from her chair)


SUSAN
If you two star-crossed lovers are done sucking each other off, I have something to say. Mother of mercy, its hot in this room.


CARL
But that’s how the boss likes it! Hot!


PHILLIP
Zip it, Carl! This better be good, Susan. All we’ve heard today is bad news.


SUSAN
By the end of the third quarter this year, we won’t have the funds to satisfy the number of clients we’ve been bringing in. Especially not with the economy the way it is today.


CARL
Well, we could just make housing cheaper! If the city’s overcrowding, and nobody can afford houses… We can just make houses cheaper!


SUSAN
Phil, tell him.


PHILLIP
If we do that, the economy is going to hit rock bottom. And we’re already at rock bottom. If we were more at rock bottom, we’d be below rock bottom digging towards the center of the earth. Demand is going up, and bringing the price down to rock bottom isn’t going to do anything!


CARL
B-but I’m the head of operations! That’s my thing, and I think it’ll work! I know it’ll work!  


PHILLIP
The only place where your head is is up your ass, Carl.


CARL
Nuh-uh! My head’s right here, and it’s… Operations! Of Operations! It’s the head of operations! I’m the head of operations and you should know that! God!


PHILLIP
Your brain could use an operation, Carl. I’m almost certain Algernon will agree.


CARL
What if we built on top of the buildings, like Legos? Shouldn’t I be right?


PHILLIP
Shouldn’t you be wondering about the rabbits?


JEREMY
Hey, leave Carl alone, Phillip! It’s not his fault that we’ve had droves of people moving downtown. That’s… kind of my fault actually. But at least I’m saying it!


SUSAN
Well, for once, you’re right. It’s your fault that you’ve been hiring too many people. We’ve had to take in every loser who “tried hard in school”? People who try hard in school already have jobs! People who have jobs are successful, but that doesn’t explain you for some reason!


JEREMY
I’ve had to hire more construction workers, because the city needs more jobs, since we’ve had more people, but nobody feels like they’re safe and happy!


PHILLIP
You’re saying that we’re trying to make these people safe and happy. Do you think we’re here to make these people safe and happy?


JEREMY
The least we can do is give them proper housing! We need to think of something before the boss finds out, and by then, it’s our asses and our jobs, and then our asses again, Phillip! I could go for a glass of wine and a hooker...


(Phillip walks over to the large drapes)
PHILLIP
It’s only a matter of time before he finds out there’s no more room…


(Phillip opens the drapes, there is a temporary blackout, with sounds of thunder and lightning, lava and explosions. There are sounds of screaming, wailing, and cries of agony. There are several flashes of red light. It is clear that they’re all in hell. Phillip closes the blinds, and the lights go back to normal.)
PHILLIP
… In hell.


SUSAN
Phillip, did you have to open those drapes? It’s not like it brings the room together.  


JEREMY
You have to admit, at least we have a nice view of Cocytus. I think I saw Brutus on my way to work today.


SUSAN
And that’s where we’re headed if we don’t think of something fast. And then we’ll have to listen to Brutus for who knows how long?


CARL
Okay! I’ve got it. What if… We all took mandatory pay cuts-


(There is a clamor among the four executives)


CARL
Hey, hey! I’m just saying if we took mandatory pay cuts, we could use the funding to dig a tenth level of hell!


(Enter ADOLF, stage right)
ADOLF
I picked up that coffee you asked for, everyone!


JEREMY
Oh, hiya, Adolf!


CARL
Oh my God! (Whispering to himself) I hope they have it, I hope they have it!


ADOLF
(Passing out the coffee for the group) Oof! It’s like an oven in here! So this is what it feels like. Anyway, Red Eye for Jerimuis Andocticus of the Roman Senate, whoremongerer and glutton, killed by an axe to the head. Earl Grey for Phillip Fuchs, cold war mad scientist, killed in his own nuclear rocket test. Hot Chocolate for Carlito Sanchez, inquisitor and executioner during Spain’s religious cleansing. Killed after saying the lord’s name in vain during a witch burning.


CARL
(Delighted) Oh my God! It’s got whipped cream and oreos!


ADOLF
And a plain black coffee for Susan Amber, former Wall Street consultant. Jumped out of a building during the 2007 recession.


SUSAN
You know, all this exposition isn’t getting me closer to my coffee, Adolf. And that’s why I don’t like those drapes open! Too many memories...


ADOLF
Hey, after I was fired from Taco Hell, I think it’s wise for me to follow company guidelines.


PHILLIP
Hmm, speaking of fire, boss should be here by now. I haven’t seen this bad of a timing ever since I was killed by my own bomb.


ADOLF
I hope he’ll love my idea of putting that statue of him next to the lake of stinging needles and blood! Did you tell him about that idea?


SUSAN
Well, you’ve told us about a thousand times to my knowledge. So the answer is no!


(There are loud stomping noises, followed by fog coming in from stage right.)


JEREMY
Here he comes! Everyone! Sit down!


CARL
Oh God, oh Jesus!


(All four executives sit on their chairs. Adolf sits on the ground, as he’s not an executive. In from stage right, LOUIE C FER, the CEO OF HELL walks in, with his horns, red face-paint and cute little coffee mug.)


LOUIE
(Cheerful) Hey hey  hey! How’s my favorite team in the underworld?


JEREMY
(A little bit scared) Oh, we’re just fantastic, oh great prince of darkness, ruler of hell and majority shareholder of Comcast! I took it you got here alright?


LOUIE
D’aww, shucks, Jeremy! You know me. I’m a CEO, but I’ve gotta get through traffic like everyone else down here. Luckily, it’s not too much of a drive from the frozen lake of Cocytus, across highway 666, and to my PERFECT little private parking area! I tell ya, ever since my anger management classes I had from Attila the Hun and spin class with Mary, Queen of Scots, I think I’ve gone past all of the whole “Devil” thing. Just call me Louie! I threw Judas into the the lake for calling me that earlier this morning, but I think I like the name now!


JEREMY
Did you see Brutus on your way here?


LOUIE
Oh, I did! I think I saw him wave at me in my hummer! Though he could have just writhing in pain in the infinite freezing cold of the lake, but it sure looked like he was waving! At least Judas will give him some company until I can figure out what to do with him.


(Louie starts to laugh, the others laugh with him, trying to stay on his good side.)


JEREMY
Well, why don’t you take a seat, sir?


LOUIE
D’aww, shucks, Jeremy! You’re too kind. I’d rather just stand and be my usual bossy self! Ha! Just kidding, but seriously, I’d rather stand up. I swear, these chairs are getting smaller and smaller! Maybe it’s because I’ve been gaining weight.


CARL
Oh no, sir! You look fine! Well, fine as in-


LOUIE
Fine as in fine for a fallen angel? Fine for one of God’s sons who fell from heaven into eternal blackness, forced to look over the souls of the damned for the rest of eternity? Fine for someone who’s life revolves around the pain and eternal torment of billions and billions of souls? Is that what you meant?


CARL
Oh God! I swear! I didn’t mean it like that, boss, I-


LOUIE
HA! Gotcha! (Sigh) I need some more coffee. (Turning around) Adolf! How’s my favorite little buddy?


ADOLF
Oh, I’ve been better. I didn’t get your order for coffee since you got here so late.


LOUIE
Ain’t no thing. Just make sure to hurry up and give the cashier a tip!


ADOLF
Two cream, two sugar?


LOUIE
You got it!


SUSAN
So sir… I mean, Louie.We’ve got a bit of news about the… Quality of life in hell.


LOUIE
Hey, Susan. I know you’re new here, but you need to know the new me! I wanna be a cool boss like the guy upstairs! We didn’t create all those rock bands and drugs for nothing! You can tell me anything.


(The other three hide under the table)


SUSAN
Well, we’ve proposed that we should expand hell. Now, we should have told you about this much sooner, but our projected profits and income haven’t been peachy as of late. With about half a billion souls, we have a few new options on our hands.


(Louie seems indifferent)


SUSAN
(Scared) We could dig deeper, which is the most likely of our options. Other than that, we have to lay off marketing so much, or we could open the gates, flooding the earth with demons and begin the end of time as we know it.


LOUIE
(Calm, collected) How much will digging deeper cost us?


SUSAN
Likely, we won’t be able to afford it unless if we make a lot of budget cuts.


LOUIE
That’s what you were afraid to tell me, Susan? (Chuckle) You’re thinking of the old me! I’m a calm, rational prince of darkness now! I do yoga! Anger management! I’m even thinking of adopting a puppy! I even take my coffee with cream and-


(Adolf has walked in, or rather, ran in. He has splashed the coffee all over Louie, who towers over the small, poor, genocidal maniac.)


LOUIE
Adolf, please don’t tell me you just did that.


ADOLF
I tried to tell Neville Chamberlain and the rest of Europe that I didn’t do anything, and it didn’t end well for me.


LOUIE
Adolf, did you just spill coffee on my new suit?


ADOLF
I-I’m sorry! I didn’t know that-


LOUIE
You didn’t know that coffee stains are impossible to get out of this kind of fabric? Is that what you’re trying to say?


ADOLF
Please tell me this is the part where you say that you’re kidding because you’re a hip new boss!


(Louie grabs Adolf by the collar and holds him up. There is a black-out, with a red light shining on the two. Dies Irae by Mozart starts playing)


LOUIE
(Infuriated, Demonic)
Adolf Shicklebruger Hitler, you have failed me for the last time! Do you know how hard it is to get these suits measured? To get them pressed? To take care of dry-cleaning? This is by far, the WORST THING you have ever done! Your insolence will be tolerated no longer!


ADOLF
(Completely horrified)  Please! Forgive me, Mein Boss! Don’t send me down there, it’s like an oven down there!


LOUIE
I’ve wanted to open the gates for so long! I’ve wanted to trample on Jesus’s stupid-looking beard for thousands of years, but your actions have lead me to want to stomp on your stupid mustache! I’m throwing you into the new level of hell once it’s done! Once you’re there you’ll have to work for Taco Hell for all eternity! And your pay is getting cut! (Maniacal laugh)


ADOLF
NEIN!!!!!!!!
  

(Dies Irae plays. Blackout.)