Earth on Hell

PREMISE:

It’s business as usual, but everyone is afraid to tell the boss the bad news.

SETTING:

A high-class meeting room, in the back is a billboard, and there’s a window, covered with drapes.

THE CHARACTERS:

Jeremy: Head of human resources. Very emotional, but not much of a man. Died during the sack of Rome in the Fifth Century.  

Louie: The boss. Easygoing, very, very large, but doesn’t like the word “no”. Tries to be “the cool boss” but can’t keep his cool when things go bad.

Phillip: Head of research and development. Former cold-war scientist. Complete smart-ass. Thick Eastern-European accent.

Carl: Head of Operations. Former member of the Spanish Inquisition. Not very smart.

Susan: Head of Marketing. From Wall Street, the newest member here. Still learning the ropes, not quite sure how things work around here QUITE yet.
Adolf: The coffee guy. Has a stupid mustache. Constantly made fun of for trying to start a career as an artist.

(All lights on. Jeremy is pacing, Phillip is looking at a few papers. Adolf is writing down on a small notepad.)

ADOLF

And do you want that with whip or no whip?

CARL

Same as always, whip if they have it!

(Adolf scampers off, the little rascal!)

JEREMY

(Pacing, collecting his thoughts) Okay, come on, This isn’t THAT big of a problem..

PHILLIP

(Looking up from his papers)  Not that big of a problem?

JEREMY

Well, not yet.

PHILLIP

Yes, but if we don’t think of anything, we’re all ****ed. So far, you’ve thought of nothing but different ways to stick your thumb up your ass and pace across the floor like a ****ing idiot, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Well, do you have any bright ideas, Phil? At least I’m doing something besides twiddling my thumbs and sitting down!

PHILLIP

You’ve been pacing and worrying for the last hour, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Worrying and pacing are things, Phillip! I’m not perfect!

PHILLIP

Understatement of the century, Jeremy. Understatement of a century...

(Susan stands up from her chair)

SUSAN

If you two star-crossed lovers are done sucking each other off, I have something to say. Mother of mercy, its hot in this room.

CARL

But that’s how the boss likes it! Hot!

PHILLIP

Zip it, Carl! This better be good, Susan. All we’ve heard today is bad news.

SUSAN

By the end of the third quarter this year, we won’t have the funds to satisfy the number of clients we’ve been bringing in. Especially not with the economy the way it is today.

CARL

Well, we could just make housing cheaper! If the city’s overcrowding, and nobody can afford houses… We can just make houses cheaper!

SUSAN

Phil, tell him.

PHILLIP

If we do that, the economy is going to hit rock bottom. And we’re already at rock bottom. If we were more at rock bottom, we’d be below rock bottom digging towards the center of the earth. Demand is going up, and bringing the price down to rock bottom isn’t going to do anything!

CARL

B-but I’m the head of operations! That’s my thing, and I think it’ll work! I know it’ll work!  

PHILLIP

The only place where your head is is up your ass, Carl.

CARL

Nuh-uh! My head’s right here, and it’s… Operations! Of Operations! It’s the head of operations! I’m the head of operations and you should know that! God!

PHILLIP

Your brain could use an operation, Carl. I’m almost certain Algernon will agree.

CARL

What if we built on top of the buildings, like Legos? Shouldn’t I be right?

PHILLIP

Shouldn’t you be wondering about the rabbits?

JEREMY

Hey, leave Carl alone, Phillip! It’s not his fault that we’ve had droves of people moving downtown. That’s… kind of my fault actually. But at least I’m saying it!

SUSAN

Well, for once, you’re right. It’s your fault that you’ve been hiring too many people. We’ve had to take in every loser who “tried hard in school”? People who try hard in school already have jobs! People who have jobs are successful, but that doesn’t explain you for some reason!

JEREMY

I’ve had to hire more construction workers, because the city needs more jobs, since we’ve had more people, but nobody feels like they’re safe and happy!

PHILLIP

You’re saying that we’re trying to make these people safe and happy. Do you think we’re here to make these people safe and happy?

JEREMY

The least we can do is give them proper housing! We need to think of something before the boss finds out, and by then, it’s our asses and our jobs, and then our asses again, Phillip! I could go for a glass of wine and a hooker...

(Phillip walks over to the large drapes)

PHILLIP

It’s only a matter of time before he finds out there’s no more room…

(Phillip opens the drapes, there is a temporary blackout, with sounds of thunder and lightning, lava and explosions. There are sounds of screaming, wailing, and cries of agony. There are several flashes of red light. It is clear that they’re all in hell. Phillip closes the blinds, and the lights go back to normal.)

PHILLIP

… In hell.

SUSAN

Phillip, did you have to open those drapes? It’s not like it brings the room together.  

JEREMY

You have to admit, at least we have a nice view of Cocytus. I think I saw Brutus on my way to work today.

SUSAN

And that’s where we’re headed if we don’t think of something fast. And then we’ll have to listen to Brutus for who knows how long?

CARL

Okay! I’ve got it. What if… We all took mandatory pay cuts-

(There is a clamor among the four executives)

CARL

Hey, hey! I’m just saying if we took mandatory pay cuts, we could use the funding to dig a tenth level of hell!

(Enter ADOLF, stage right)

ADOLF

I picked up that coffee you asked for, everyone!

JEREMY

Oh, hiya, Adolf!

CARL

Oh my God! (Whispering to himself) I hope they have it, I hope they have it!

ADOLF

(Passing out the coffee for the group) Oof! It’s like an oven in here! So this is what it feels like. Anyway, Red Eye for Jerimuis Andocticus of the Roman Senate, whoremongerer and glutton, killed by an axe to the head. Earl Grey for Phillip Fuchs, cold war mad scientist, killed in his own nuclear rocket test. Hot Chocolate for Carlito Sanchez, inquisitor and executioner during Spain’s religious cleansing. Killed after saying the lord’s name in vain during a witch burning.

CARL

(Delighted) Oh my God! It’s got whipped cream and oreos!

ADOLF

And a plain black coffee for Susan Amber, former Wall Street consultant. Jumped out of a building during the 2007 recession.

SUSAN

You know, all this exposition isn’t getting me closer to my coffee, Adolf. And that’s why I don’t like those drapes open! Too many memories...

ADOLF

Hey, after I was fired from Taco Hell, I think it’s wise for me to follow company guidelines.

PHILLIP

Hmm, speaking of fire, boss should be here by now. I haven’t seen this bad of a timing ever since I was killed by my own bomb.

ADOLF

I hope he’ll love my idea of putting that statue of him next to the lake of stinging needles and blood! Did you tell him about that idea?

SUSAN

Well, you’ve told us about a thousand times to my knowledge. So the answer is no!

(There are loud stomping noises, followed by fog coming in from stage right.)

JEREMY

Here he comes! Everyone! Sit down!

CARL

Oh God, oh Jesus!

(All four executives sit on their chairs. Adolf sits on the ground, as he’s not an executive. In from stage right, LOUIE C FER, the CEO OF HELL walks in, with his horns, red face-paint and cute little coffee mug.)

LOUIE

(Cheerful) Hey hey  hey! How’s my favorite team in the underworld?

JEREMY

(A little bit scared) Oh, we’re just fantastic, oh great prince of darkness, ruler of hell and majority shareholder of Comcast! I took it you got here alright?

LOUIE

D’aww, shucks, Jeremy! You know me. I’m a CEO, but I’ve gotta get through traffic like everyone else down here. Luckily, it’s not too much of a drive from the frozen lake of Cocytus, across highway 666, and to my PERFECT little private parking area! I tell ya, ever since my anger management classes I had from Attila the Hun and spin class with Mary, Queen of Scots, I think I’ve gone past all of the whole “Devil” thing. Just call me Louie! I threw Judas into the the lake for calling me that earlier this morning, but I think I like the name now!

JEREMY

Did you see Brutus on your way here?

LOUIE

Oh, I did! I think I saw him wave at me in my hummer! Though he could have just writhing in pain in the infinite freezing cold of the lake, but it sure looked like he was waving! At least Judas will give him some company until I can figure out what to do with him.

(Louie starts to laugh, the others laugh with him, trying to stay on his good side.)

JEREMY

Well, why don’t you take a seat, sir?

LOUIE

D’aww, shucks, Jeremy! You’re too kind. I’d rather just stand and be my usual bossy self! Ha! Just kidding, but seriously, I’d rather stand up. I swear, these chairs are getting smaller and smaller! Maybe it’s because I’ve been gaining weight.

CARL

Oh no, sir! You look fine! Well, fine as in-

LOUIE

Fine as in fine for a fallen angel? Fine for one of God’s sons who fell from heaven into eternal blackness, forced to look over the souls of the damned for the rest of eternity? Fine for someone who’s life revolves around the pain and eternal torment of billions and billions of souls? Is that what you meant?

CARL

Oh God! I swear! I didn’t mean it like that, boss, I-

LOUIE

HA! Gotcha! (Sigh) I need some more coffee. (Turning around) Adolf! How’s my favorite little buddy?

ADOLF

Oh, I’ve been better. I didn’t get your order for coffee since you got here so late.

LOUIE

Ain’t no thing. Just make sure to hurry up and give the cashier a tip!

ADOLF

Two cream, two sugar?

LOUIE

You got it!

SUSAN

So sir… I mean, Louie.We’ve got a bit of news about the… Quality of life in hell.

LOUIE

Hey, Susan. I know you’re new here, but you need to know the new me! I wanna be a cool boss like the guy upstairs! We didn’t create all those rock bands and drugs for nothing! You can tell me anything.

(The other three hide under the table)

SUSAN

Well, we’ve proposed that we should expand hell. Now, we should have told you about this much sooner, but our projected profits and income haven’t been peachy as of late. With about half a billion souls, we have a few new options on our hands.

(Louie seems indifferent)

SUSAN

(Scared) We could dig deeper, which is the most likely of our options. Other than that, we have to lay off marketing so much, or we could open the gates, flooding the earth with demons and begin the end of time as we know it.

LOUIE

(Calm, collected) How much will digging deeper cost us?

SUSAN

Likely, we won’t be able to afford it unless if we make a lot of budget cuts.

LOUIE

That’s what you were afraid to tell me, Susan? (Chuckle) You’re thinking of the old me! I’m a calm, rational prince of darkness now! I do yoga! Anger management! I’m even thinking of adopting a puppy! I even take my coffee with cream and-

(Adolf has walked in, or rather, ran in. He has splashed the coffee all over Louie, who towers over the small, poor, genocidal maniac.)

LOUIE

Adolf, please don’t tell me you just did that.

ADOLF

I tried to tell Neville Chamberlain and the rest of Europe that I didn’t do anything, and it didn’t end well for me.

LOUIE

Adolf, did you just spill coffee on my new suit?

ADOLF

I-I’m sorry! I didn’t know that-

LOUIE

You didn’t know that coffee stains are impossible to get out of this kind of fabric? Is that what you’re trying to say?

ADOLF

Please tell me this is the part where you say that you’re kidding because you’re a hip new boss!

(Louie grabs Adolf by the collar and holds him up. There is a black-out, with a red light shining on the two. Dies Irae by Mozart starts playing)

LOUIE

(Infuriated, Demonic)

Adolf Shicklebruger Hitler, you have failed me for the last time! Do you know how hard it is to get these suits measured? To get them pressed? To take care of dry-cleaning? This is by far, the WORST THING you have ever done! Your insolence will be tolerated no longer!

ADOLF

(Completely horrified)  Please! Forgive me, Mein Boss! Don’t send me down there, it’s like an oven down there!

LOUIE

I’ve wanted to open the gates for so long! I’ve wanted to trample on Jesus’s stupid-looking beard for thousands of years, but your actions have lead me to want to stomp on your stupid mustache! I’m throwing you into the new level of hell once it’s done! Once you’re there you’ll have to work for Taco Hell for all eternity! And your pay is getting cut! (Maniacal laugh)

ADOLF

NEIN!!!!!!!!

  

(Dies Irae plays. Blackout.)