The Avengers - Movie Review

 Warner Brothers - 1998

Shean Connery ishe going to shmack that hat of of your head.

Yeah, this was a dumb joke. Sue me, Nostalgia Critic. I said I was going to review The Avengers, and boy howdy, am I going to review The Avengers. This movie is the reason the first MCU Avengers movie is called Avengers Assemble in the UK. I understand the confusion, but unless if you saw the old TV show on the telly or saw this movie, I think Marvel's The Avengers is what should come to mind. 

Yeah, this movie is based on an old TV show. I've never seen it, but I'm imagining it falls into the same hole as The Man from UNCLE or Mission Impossible. If those two classic spy TV shows managed to spawn successful and decent movies, why did this one get left in the dirt? You're about to find out, folks.

So, we have a decent cast. The Bride, Voldemort, and James Bond himself. With a budget of 60 million smackaroos in 1998, you could make a decent spy movie. Well, aren't you wrong. Go to your corner and think about what you've done. Like the last "avenger" movie I reviewed, the elements work, but the final product is crap. Believe it or not, this movie is awful. But why? Why does a movie like this deserve a golden raspberry award?

As far as I care, the original series had a bit of comedy in it, but the opening scene is awkward. In fact, a lot of the movie is awkward. Usually in comedic spy movies, cliches tend to pop up. In this movie, they're dumb. They're really dumb. They're really, really dumb. 

Character dialogue is awkward, too. I don't think whoever wrote this had much experience writing complex characters. Usually, spies are cold and somewhat emotionless, but an unexperienced writer may confuse this as "robotic". Without going into to much of a rant, none of the characters are interesting. You want to know the most interesting part? A female character is called "Father" and a male character is called "Mother". How cryptic. 

Characters tend to do things that don't make sense in a narrative sense. The thing about a genre movie such as this concerns tropes. You can't just throw a bunch of tropes into a work of art and expect it to be unique. Instead, it tends to be tired. This movie has all the elements of a spy movie, but isn't enjoyable, and ends up being uninspired. Take the first Austin Powers movie. It's a comedy spy movie, but instead of just throwing elements in, it managed to create a story and funny dialogue first, and then threw in the spy elements. Boom, you have a classic. But when you have fancy characters just talking while driving a car and drinking tea, you have nothing. Yes, spies are fancy, but why should I care about it?

It's almost as if... Yes. They just threw in a bunch of spy tropes together. I can say that the movie has great set-pieces and acting, but that's about it. I'm currently writing this review as I'm watching it. 20 minutes in, and we finally get to Sean Connery. He blathers a bunch of nonsense about a fake-looking flower. How do you even write a scene like this? 

Remember when I said how the characters act robotic? I was going to follow that up with something, but friggin' Voldemort is in a scene that makes absolutely no sense. And now it begins to snow. At least a good half foot, with no indication of how. Is it some kid of Cobra Commander weather control device? Who cares. A clone or something of Uma Thurman shows up and shoots him. Then he wakes up, and talks like a total robot to a robotically-speaking Uma Thurman.

What I've just described to you happens in the first 25 minutes. To say that this movie is unfocused is an understatement. The characters discuss things that are unimportant to the plot, and try to act classy. As I type this, Sean Connery is dressed as a black teddy bear talking to a comitte of a dozen colored teddy bears. This movie is not worth my time at all, and it certainly isn't worth yours. 

Even a bad movie, I can finish and give my full thoughts on it, but I've already told you all what's wrong with this movie, and it's only the 30 minute mark. I don't think I've reviewed a movie this bad. This movie makes me angry, and I'm not kidding. 

My Final Thoughts: Don't watch this movie. I've seen content you can watch for free on YouTube that's better than this, and with almost none of the cost. For free. I can't even rate this movie. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to ponder how movies like this get made. Believe me when I say, it's not the enjoyable kind of bad.

Avenger - TV Movie Review

Turner Network Television - 2006

Even without a cowboy hat, Sam Elliott is more of a man than you'll ever be.

A badass played by Sam Elliot is sent on a mission of revenge and truth.

That's the perfect formula for a nice little TV movie. After seeing some quick reviews online, I thought this would be a kinda okay movie, but it is not, which is disappointing. If you ask me, if a movie isn't interesting, it isn't worth your time, and for a 90 minute TV movie, it doesn't get interesting until the hour mark. That's a bad sign.

Up until the hour mark, it's just Sam Elliott walking around getting information about some guy's son who was murdered for reasons. That's how much this movie gripped me, I can't even remember character names and motives that well. 

With Toxic Avenger and Crippled Avengers, I had things to talk about. For an action thriller, Avenger is boring for more than half of the movie. Want to know when you can have a bathroom break when watching this movie? There's a good chunk of it you can skip, I promise you. 

By the time Sam Elliott gets to South Africa to stop some nuclear plot or whatever, you won't care, because the payoff isn't even that good. This movie has many elements that make a movie great, like acting, dialogue and even effects, but with a weak story, it all falls apart. Not spectacularly, not with a flop, but with a yawn.

The movie does have some genuinely good moments, but it didn't really grip my attention. If you're a Sam Elliott fan, this may be a little disappointing. I understand this is a TV movie, but I can't imagine this gripping my attention on a lazy Saturday on FX, like the fifty Fast and Furious movies. Then again, this didn't air on FX, so you're safe if you watch FX a lot.

My final verdict: 4.5/10

And don't worry, you won't have to wait long until I actually review The Avengers. I did these to hook people in. (All 4 of you who read this)

And you won't even have to wait long for my review of The Avengers! 

The Toxic Avenger - Movie Review

Troma Entertainment - 1984

I'm 256 pounds of solid nerd, and I'm still me.

Troma isn't known for high-quality movies, they're known for crap like this. But this movie may be the most bestest pile of crap in the entire universe. Take everything I said about Army of Darkness and turn it up to SMH levels of WTF. You read me, kiddos? Yeah, you read me.

So, we've got this place called Tromaville (Subtle), which just so happens to be the mecca of garbage. Of course, it's in New Jersey. I think Troma has something to say about New Jersey, but then again, I don't think anybody from the garden state has seen this movie. I hope.

There's this dork named Melvin, and some violent, idiotic, racist bullies hate him, and get him into a barrel of toxic waste. So, Melvin is kinda like Bruce Banner, but not to such an extreme extent. So, Melvin gets turned into Toxie, the Toxic Avenger, and goes on a mission to fight all the bad guys and get revenge on the bullies.

It's weird. This movie is a combination of a superhero action movie and a slasher movie. Toxie just goes around mutilating awful people in some of the most horrific ways possible. I commend the special effects, and they're incredibly gruesome. Think Tom Savini's work, but on less of a budget. You see a kid's face get run over, and a criminal's hands getting deep-fried.

I can't describe the movie any further without just flat-out saying what happens in the scenes, but unlike Crippled Avengers, that wouldn't do it justice. Watch this movie if you get the chance. I'm not saying that this is some underground cult hit, because it was successful enough to spawn:

Three Sequels

A Comic Book

A Freaking Cartoon

And Even a Musical!

My Final Rating: 7.5/10

Final Thoughts: Don't fall into a vat of toxic waste.

Crippled Avengers - Movie Review

Shaw Brothers - 1978

Pick a title, fellas.

Also known as Mortal Combat, Return of the Five Deadly Venoms, and a bunch of non-English names, Crippled Avengers is perhaps one of the only films of its kind to feature characters with disabilities, which immediatly sets it apart from other martial arts films of the time, where the main heroes are usually unstoppable badasses. However, like a lot of films with strange titles from the late 70s, this is not an exploitation film at all, thank God. If you ask me, 98% of exploitation movies aren't worth your time, but I digress. This is a story of revenge. friendship, and overcoming obstacles. But how does the film stack up to others of its kind? Let's go over the plot so you can draw your own conclusions, then I'll throw some number at you, pretending I'm some big-shot film critic.

Also, be warned: Nobody has an English-sounding name, so this may be a bit difficult to follow.

So, there's this guy named Chu Twin. His wife and son are attacked by some jerks. Being a master of "Tiger Kung-Fu", Chu Twin kicks their butts easily. His wife dies from injuries, and his son Chu Cho Chang has his arms cut off at the elbows. He grows up, gets a pair of sweet extendable, dart-shooting iron hands, learns kung-fu, and manages to cripple the sons of the men who had his arms chopped off.

Now, had this been your typical revenge story, it would be over by now. This isn't your typical revenge story. Turns out, Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho are jerks as well, and they continue to cripple innocent people who look at them funny, bump into them, or talk back at them. It's a little jarring to have victims become villains just like that, but sometimes, that's how revenge happens. An eye for an eye, and sometimes more.

One character is turned into a deaf mute, one is blinded, and one has his legs chopped off. Now Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho are full-on, irredeemable villains. A wandering kung-fu master tries to avenge them, but he's defeated, and is given perhaps the worst treatment out of all of our heroes: having his head squeezed in a vice until he has permanent brain damage. Don't show this movie to your kids, by the way.

The four crippled heroes go on to train at a kung-fu school, and after three years of training (and a pair of metal legs, crafted by the deaf mute, a blacksmith) the four set on for their revenge against Chu Twin, who has taken over the town. Oh yeah, Chu Twin has a bunch of goons that he uses to bully the town, which gets worse when his birthday comes around.

In the end however, Chu Twin and Chu Chang Cho, as well as all of the cronies, underestimate the four crippled avengers, and although the brain-damaged avenger dies in the penultimate battle against Chu Chang Cho, the remaining three avengers manage to overwhelm Chu Twin and kill him with the iron feet. The three friends walk past the bodies, their job now done.

If you like old martial arts movies, give this one a watch. I can at least say it's not a waste of time. It stands out without exploiting the disabled like some grindhouse movies do.

My Final Verdict: 7/10

Now, if you were expecting a different kind of avenger, don't worry. Everyone's most favorite irradiated, hulking avenger will get a review of his own next week.