Thanksgiving, and What it Means

In memory of my Uncle Mike, The Greatest Friend, Brother, Son, Husband and Uncle one could ever hope for. He worked hard for decades to support his family, and what he did every single day will never, ever be forgotten. I'd make a joke about cars and heaven, but... No. A loved one like Mike is above my petty, non-important jokes. I hope you can understand why this is hard and a bit awkward to me to type down. Death is never easy to talk about or read about, but I can be certain about one thing, and one thing only. Family gatherings, especially holidays, will never be the same without Mike. He was one of the greatest parts about family gatherings, and it was always nice to see him smile and laugh. Rest in peace, Mike.

Now back to our regularly scheduled ranting on the internet. Enjoy my stupid crap.

Thanksgiving's an odd holiday. Never in my life, has a national holiday completely confused me as much as Thanksgiving has. As a kid, all I understood about it was that some white people with buckles on their hats and a bunch of Native Americans got together and ate a ton of food. It didn't work out AS well for one of the parties involved, but hey, I'm sure the pie was delicious.

Quick tangent: Why the hell do these people have buckles on their hats? Buckles are for belts, fancy women's shoes, and diaries. They're there for a specific reason; they're there for their simple purpose, to keep things tight. To keep two straps together, too. Next week, I'm writing a whole story on homonyms, so I hope you enjoy that. I will.

To me, Thanksgiving is about the two greatest things in life. Food and family. You can't live without either, and my family loves to eat. I'm proof of that, after all! So, let's go down the list of the traditional Thanksgiving foods, and my thoughts about them!

Turkey: You can't have Thanksgiving dinner, or hell, even Christmas dinner, without it. Arguably, the most delicious of the birds. Unfortunately, chicken has lost that regard decades ago. You do NOT want to know what chickens go through in those factories. I'm not even an animal rights activist, and chickens eating feed made of the nutrients in their... I don't want to spoil your appetite. You do NOT want to hear the rest of that sentence. Anywho, turkey is great! You've got two different types of meat in it, both of which taste slightly different, and give one more options when gorging oneself.

Gravy: Made from grease, makes everything better. You can pour this stuff on anything, and it'll make it better, especially an entire Thanksgiving meal, and over more gravy. I've had fantasies about taking a whole gravy boat and shotgunning it down my throat.

Mashed Potatoes: The butterier and lighter, the better. It's almost like an edible glue that can hold an entire overfilled plate together. Techinically, this makes mashed potatoes the backbone of a Thanksgiving meal!

50 Things I Would Do With 50 Clones of Conan O'Brian

The election is tomorrow, I've got exams and internships to take care of, and I'm almost certain Timmy's in the well again.

You know what I'd like to do for this week's post? I want to post something that doesn't have anything to do with two rich blondes from New York fighting over a house like some reality show that not even TLC would spurt out if it farted too aggressively. Like Tyson Ritter, lead singer and guitarist of the All-American Rejects, told the crowd while performing in St. Paul: "If I started to actually care, I think I'd kill myself". So, if CNN and Fox want to throw some jargon and buzzwords at the American people like they don't understand politics, I say "Screw it" and think of things that don't actually matter, but anyone in their right mind would rather think about. At least, that's my opinion.

Here's 50 things I would do if I had 50 clones of Conan O'Brian!

1. Have one of them be a chef.
2. Have all of them have different hairstyles.
3. Remake Conan the Barbarian.
4. Remake Conan the Destroyer.
5. Remake that new Conan the Barbarian remake they made like, 6 years ago.
6. Send one to Harvard, one to Yale, and one to art school.
7. Start a marching band.
8. Have Conan's desk cast in solid bronze. Don't ask me where I'll get the bronze.
9. Crash a birthday party with about a dozen of the clones.
10. Have one write this blog while I waste my time playing video games.
11. See if we can discover a new element together.
12. Start a circus of Conan clones.
13. Run a D&D session, based around Conan's life.
14. Create my own Conan-themed superhero expanded cinematic universe, including toys, about a dozen Netflix Original shows, and will confuse new audiences by introducing them to the comics, which will anger fans of the original Conan comics.
15. Have one of them claim to be female, just to see how big of a fit social media will throw.
16. Start a fashion line.
17. Lay siege to Yorktown.
18. Buy Buzzfeed, shut it down.
19. Replace Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Katie Couric, Larry King, Jay Leno, Dr. Phil, those two black guys that replaced Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart, and the entire circle of witches from The View.
20. Create a new language.
21. Create a Patreon account, just to see how many people will donate.
22. Underground gladiator pit, where two Conans fight for the glory of Rome.
23. Start a sitcom.
24. Have the original Conan be known as "Subject Alpha"
25. Create another Scooby-Doo TV series on Cartoon Network that won't last two seasons.
26. Take back Crimea from Russia.
27. Have one of them write The Communist Manifesto by hand, backwards.
28. Bake sale.
29. Run a production of Hamilton, but make ticket prices cheaper, so people can actually see it.
30. Write a book on what it's like to live in a house with 50 redheads.
31. Play with Legos.
32. Leak my cloning technology online, blame hackers.
33. Leak my cloning technology online, blame ISIL.
34. Leak my cloning technology online, blame one of the Clone-ans.
35. Trademark the term "Clone-an"
36. Finish A Song of Fire and Ice. God knows George R.R Martin won't.
37. Change that lightbulb in my room.
38. Buy about a dozen minivans. We're gonna need them.
39. Have one of the clones get super-fat, then lose weight, replacing Subway's old spokesman.
40. Invent something. I'll have plenty of time on my hands.
41. Win a Nobel Prize for cloning Conan O'Brian.
42. LARP every other weekend.
43. Civil War reenactment! (Which is basically LARPing for old people)
44. Totally screw-up secret-santa at the office by having several of the clones work there.
45. Have one of them marry into the Rothschild family.
46. Have one of them marry into the British royal family.
47. Overinflate YouTube with even more "Let's Play" channels.
48. Have one of them tuck me in at night.
49. Staring contest tournament!
50. Start a Conan-based party platform to run in 2020.