Earth on Hell

PREMISE:

It’s business as usual, but everyone is afraid to tell the boss the bad news.

SETTING:

A high-class meeting room, in the back is a billboard, and there’s a window, covered with drapes.

THE CHARACTERS:

Jeremy: Head of human resources. Very emotional, but not much of a man. Died during the sack of Rome in the Fifth Century.  

Louie: The boss. Easygoing, very, very large, but doesn’t like the word “no”. Tries to be “the cool boss” but can’t keep his cool when things go bad.

Phillip: Head of research and development. Former cold-war scientist. Complete smart-ass. Thick Eastern-European accent.

Carl: Head of Operations. Former member of the Spanish Inquisition. Not very smart.

Susan: Head of Marketing. From Wall Street, the newest member here. Still learning the ropes, not quite sure how things work around here QUITE yet.
Adolf: The coffee guy. Has a stupid mustache. Constantly made fun of for trying to start a career as an artist.

(All lights on. Jeremy is pacing, Phillip is looking at a few papers. Adolf is writing down on a small notepad.)

ADOLF

And do you want that with whip or no whip?

CARL

Same as always, whip if they have it!

(Adolf scampers off, the little rascal!)

JEREMY

(Pacing, collecting his thoughts) Okay, come on, This isn’t THAT big of a problem..

PHILLIP

(Looking up from his papers)  Not that big of a problem?

JEREMY

Well, not yet.

PHILLIP

Yes, but if we don’t think of anything, we’re all ****ed. So far, you’ve thought of nothing but different ways to stick your thumb up your ass and pace across the floor like a ****ing idiot, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Well, do you have any bright ideas, Phil? At least I’m doing something besides twiddling my thumbs and sitting down!

PHILLIP

You’ve been pacing and worrying for the last hour, Jeremy!

JEREMY

Worrying and pacing are things, Phillip! I’m not perfect!

PHILLIP

Understatement of the century, Jeremy. Understatement of a century...

(Susan stands up from her chair)

SUSAN

If you two star-crossed lovers are done sucking each other off, I have something to say. Mother of mercy, its hot in this room.

CARL

But that’s how the boss likes it! Hot!

PHILLIP

Zip it, Carl! This better be good, Susan. All we’ve heard today is bad news.

SUSAN

By the end of the third quarter this year, we won’t have the funds to satisfy the number of clients we’ve been bringing in. Especially not with the economy the way it is today.

CARL

Well, we could just make housing cheaper! If the city’s overcrowding, and nobody can afford houses… We can just make houses cheaper!

SUSAN

Phil, tell him.

PHILLIP

If we do that, the economy is going to hit rock bottom. And we’re already at rock bottom. If we were more at rock bottom, we’d be below rock bottom digging towards the center of the earth. Demand is going up, and bringing the price down to rock bottom isn’t going to do anything!

CARL

B-but I’m the head of operations! That’s my thing, and I think it’ll work! I know it’ll work!  

PHILLIP

The only place where your head is is up your ass, Carl.

CARL

Nuh-uh! My head’s right here, and it’s… Operations! Of Operations! It’s the head of operations! I’m the head of operations and you should know that! God!

PHILLIP

Your brain could use an operation, Carl. I’m almost certain Algernon will agree.

CARL

What if we built on top of the buildings, like Legos? Shouldn’t I be right?

PHILLIP

Shouldn’t you be wondering about the rabbits?

JEREMY

Hey, leave Carl alone, Phillip! It’s not his fault that we’ve had droves of people moving downtown. That’s… kind of my fault actually. But at least I’m saying it!

SUSAN

Well, for once, you’re right. It’s your fault that you’ve been hiring too many people. We’ve had to take in every loser who “tried hard in school”? People who try hard in school already have jobs! People who have jobs are successful, but that doesn’t explain you for some reason!

JEREMY

I’ve had to hire more construction workers, because the city needs more jobs, since we’ve had more people, but nobody feels like they’re safe and happy!

PHILLIP

You’re saying that we’re trying to make these people safe and happy. Do you think we’re here to make these people safe and happy?

JEREMY

The least we can do is give them proper housing! We need to think of something before the boss finds out, and by then, it’s our asses and our jobs, and then our asses again, Phillip! I could go for a glass of wine and a hooker...

(Phillip walks over to the large drapes)

PHILLIP

It’s only a matter of time before he finds out there’s no more room…

(Phillip opens the drapes, there is a temporary blackout, with sounds of thunder and lightning, lava and explosions. There are sounds of screaming, wailing, and cries of agony. There are several flashes of red light. It is clear that they’re all in hell. Phillip closes the blinds, and the lights go back to normal.)

PHILLIP

… In hell.

SUSAN

Phillip, did you have to open those drapes? It’s not like it brings the room together.  

JEREMY

You have to admit, at least we have a nice view of Cocytus. I think I saw Brutus on my way to work today.

SUSAN

And that’s where we’re headed if we don’t think of something fast. And then we’ll have to listen to Brutus for who knows how long?

CARL

Okay! I’ve got it. What if… We all took mandatory pay cuts-

(There is a clamor among the four executives)

CARL

Hey, hey! I’m just saying if we took mandatory pay cuts, we could use the funding to dig a tenth level of hell!

(Enter ADOLF, stage right)

ADOLF

I picked up that coffee you asked for, everyone!

JEREMY

Oh, hiya, Adolf!

CARL

Oh my God! (Whispering to himself) I hope they have it, I hope they have it!

ADOLF

(Passing out the coffee for the group) Oof! It’s like an oven in here! So this is what it feels like. Anyway, Red Eye for Jerimuis Andocticus of the Roman Senate, whoremongerer and glutton, killed by an axe to the head. Earl Grey for Phillip Fuchs, cold war mad scientist, killed in his own nuclear rocket test. Hot Chocolate for Carlito Sanchez, inquisitor and executioner during Spain’s religious cleansing. Killed after saying the lord’s name in vain during a witch burning.

CARL

(Delighted) Oh my God! It’s got whipped cream and oreos!

ADOLF

And a plain black coffee for Susan Amber, former Wall Street consultant. Jumped out of a building during the 2007 recession.

SUSAN

You know, all this exposition isn’t getting me closer to my coffee, Adolf. And that’s why I don’t like those drapes open! Too many memories...

ADOLF

Hey, after I was fired from Taco Hell, I think it’s wise for me to follow company guidelines.

PHILLIP

Hmm, speaking of fire, boss should be here by now. I haven’t seen this bad of a timing ever since I was killed by my own bomb.

ADOLF

I hope he’ll love my idea of putting that statue of him next to the lake of stinging needles and blood! Did you tell him about that idea?

SUSAN

Well, you’ve told us about a thousand times to my knowledge. So the answer is no!

(There are loud stomping noises, followed by fog coming in from stage right.)

JEREMY

Here he comes! Everyone! Sit down!

CARL

Oh God, oh Jesus!

(All four executives sit on their chairs. Adolf sits on the ground, as he’s not an executive. In from stage right, LOUIE C FER, the CEO OF HELL walks in, with his horns, red face-paint and cute little coffee mug.)

LOUIE

(Cheerful) Hey hey  hey! How’s my favorite team in the underworld?

JEREMY

(A little bit scared) Oh, we’re just fantastic, oh great prince of darkness, ruler of hell and majority shareholder of Comcast! I took it you got here alright?

LOUIE

D’aww, shucks, Jeremy! You know me. I’m a CEO, but I’ve gotta get through traffic like everyone else down here. Luckily, it’s not too much of a drive from the frozen lake of Cocytus, across highway 666, and to my PERFECT little private parking area! I tell ya, ever since my anger management classes I had from Attila the Hun and spin class with Mary, Queen of Scots, I think I’ve gone past all of the whole “Devil” thing. Just call me Louie! I threw Judas into the the lake for calling me that earlier this morning, but I think I like the name now!

JEREMY

Did you see Brutus on your way here?

LOUIE

Oh, I did! I think I saw him wave at me in my hummer! Though he could have just writhing in pain in the infinite freezing cold of the lake, but it sure looked like he was waving! At least Judas will give him some company until I can figure out what to do with him.

(Louie starts to laugh, the others laugh with him, trying to stay on his good side.)

JEREMY

Well, why don’t you take a seat, sir?

LOUIE

D’aww, shucks, Jeremy! You’re too kind. I’d rather just stand and be my usual bossy self! Ha! Just kidding, but seriously, I’d rather stand up. I swear, these chairs are getting smaller and smaller! Maybe it’s because I’ve been gaining weight.

CARL

Oh no, sir! You look fine! Well, fine as in-

LOUIE

Fine as in fine for a fallen angel? Fine for one of God’s sons who fell from heaven into eternal blackness, forced to look over the souls of the damned for the rest of eternity? Fine for someone who’s life revolves around the pain and eternal torment of billions and billions of souls? Is that what you meant?

CARL

Oh God! I swear! I didn’t mean it like that, boss, I-

LOUIE

HA! Gotcha! (Sigh) I need some more coffee. (Turning around) Adolf! How’s my favorite little buddy?

ADOLF

Oh, I’ve been better. I didn’t get your order for coffee since you got here so late.

LOUIE

Ain’t no thing. Just make sure to hurry up and give the cashier a tip!

ADOLF

Two cream, two sugar?

LOUIE

You got it!

SUSAN

So sir… I mean, Louie.We’ve got a bit of news about the… Quality of life in hell.

LOUIE

Hey, Susan. I know you’re new here, but you need to know the new me! I wanna be a cool boss like the guy upstairs! We didn’t create all those rock bands and drugs for nothing! You can tell me anything.

(The other three hide under the table)

SUSAN

Well, we’ve proposed that we should expand hell. Now, we should have told you about this much sooner, but our projected profits and income haven’t been peachy as of late. With about half a billion souls, we have a few new options on our hands.

(Louie seems indifferent)

SUSAN

(Scared) We could dig deeper, which is the most likely of our options. Other than that, we have to lay off marketing so much, or we could open the gates, flooding the earth with demons and begin the end of time as we know it.

LOUIE

(Calm, collected) How much will digging deeper cost us?

SUSAN

Likely, we won’t be able to afford it unless if we make a lot of budget cuts.

LOUIE

That’s what you were afraid to tell me, Susan? (Chuckle) You’re thinking of the old me! I’m a calm, rational prince of darkness now! I do yoga! Anger management! I’m even thinking of adopting a puppy! I even take my coffee with cream and-

(Adolf has walked in, or rather, ran in. He has splashed the coffee all over Louie, who towers over the small, poor, genocidal maniac.)

LOUIE

Adolf, please don’t tell me you just did that.

ADOLF

I tried to tell Neville Chamberlain and the rest of Europe that I didn’t do anything, and it didn’t end well for me.

LOUIE

Adolf, did you just spill coffee on my new suit?

ADOLF

I-I’m sorry! I didn’t know that-

LOUIE

You didn’t know that coffee stains are impossible to get out of this kind of fabric? Is that what you’re trying to say?

ADOLF

Please tell me this is the part where you say that you’re kidding because you’re a hip new boss!

(Louie grabs Adolf by the collar and holds him up. There is a black-out, with a red light shining on the two. Dies Irae by Mozart starts playing)

LOUIE

(Infuriated, Demonic)

Adolf Shicklebruger Hitler, you have failed me for the last time! Do you know how hard it is to get these suits measured? To get them pressed? To take care of dry-cleaning? This is by far, the WORST THING you have ever done! Your insolence will be tolerated no longer!

ADOLF

(Completely horrified)  Please! Forgive me, Mein Boss! Don’t send me down there, it’s like an oven down there!

LOUIE

I’ve wanted to open the gates for so long! I’ve wanted to trample on Jesus’s stupid-looking beard for thousands of years, but your actions have lead me to want to stomp on your stupid mustache! I’m throwing you into the new level of hell once it’s done! Once you’re there you’ll have to work for Taco Hell for all eternity! And your pay is getting cut! (Maniacal laugh)

ADOLF

NEIN!!!!!!!!

  

(Dies Irae plays. Blackout.)

RPG Stories: The Inquisition: Part One

Okay, this is the tale of “The Inquisition” which was the first (And only) RPG campaign I’ve done at the time of typing this. This happened back around 2015-ish when I started going to the board gaming club. What really kick started my interest in board games was the online show “Beer and Board Games”. They seemed to have a fun time playing board games and RPGs and the like, and to be fair, I had a really great time at the board gaming club. I met a lot of neat people, and it was a good way to blow off some steam on a Wednesday evening.

This Knight knows what's up.

Anyway, to start off, I’d like to say that I may not remember all the specific details and names, which is embarrassing, but I digress. Forgetting names is awkward, but again, I digress.

For the sake of whatever, I’ll address the characters as Oliver (A soldier, myself)

Tallyho!

Kaladin the Paladin,

These guys were basically Medieval France's version of the Avengers

Strider the Ranger,

Green tights and all

James the Scholar,

Books are sorta his thing

Kyle the Cultist,

Basically, this, but with magic and stuff

And of course, Tyler the DM (Or Dungeon Master, the one who runs the game)

Basically this, but with less magic and stuff

I originally wanted to be the Paladin, because Paladins kick ass. When Kaladin was picked, I decided to go with the next best thing, the Soldier. In hindsight, the Soldier was probably my best option, but I’ll get to that in a minute. However, the guy playing as the Paladin was a bit… Out of character, but I’ll get to that in a minute. The guy playing the Scholar played it pretty cool and passively, but I’ll get to that in a minute. The guy playing the Cultist was our wild card, but I’ll get to that in a minute. And Strider had the ability to kick f-ing ass, but I’ll get to that in a minute.

Without going too much into Meta, this adventure was created using the Cyberpunk gaming module. Though it wasn’t the best for hand-to-hand melee combat, Tyler knew the system inside and out. To his credit, he made the rules easy to follow and simplified the Cyberpunk module into something we could understand. There wasn’t any real “leveling” per se, but at the end of every session, we were given experience points and were able to individually level up stats. Hell, there were only five of us, but Tyler gave us plenty of options to work with, and put in about 8 classes. What a guy.

So, the backstory of this adventure is… Complicated. Basically, there was an evil sorcerer that amassed a demon army or something and started a cult following. A war started between the cultists and the Empire, the sorcerer was eventually killed, blah blah blah, and there’s something about a three-headed god named the Tribunal, kinda like in Marvel, and to sum it all up, the Empire has been crippled, the lands are becoming barren, the remaining cultists have been “drafted” into service (Though to be fair, it’s more like a f’d-up conscription) and there’s another sorcerer that’s trying to bring about another demon army. We were in a group that was heading to one of the capitals of the empire, which is where our adventure begins.

I’ll give Tyler a thumbs-up for not starting us out in a tavern. Instead of forcing us to let us get connected, we were thrown right onto the road. To be fair, there’s no way Kyle and Kaladin would have just got along. No, this wasn’t a team of friends, this was a team of people who had no choice but to co-operate. After traveling in the forest, we set up camp, and Kyle, being our only real magic-user, summoned a boar familiar to scout the area around us for danger. I also decided to scout the area, being the stalwart soldier. However, I failed a survival roll, and I ran into the boar, which I thought was an enemy. I ended up stabbing it through the skull with an arming sword. The first fight, and it was an accident, and we decided to move on.

Kaladin and I, scouting deeper into the forest, found some sort of figure in the distance. We didn’t want to go near it, because looking from far away, we could see that it looked emaciated… Just… Trudging along. It was clear that the thing was humanoid, but was far from human. It was a walking skeleton… Carrying a giant, rusty version of one of Kratos’s blades from God of War. This thing was going down. And I knew how to take down an undead son of a necromancer. With my gun.

That’s right, I was the only player character with a gun. And let me tell you, this weapon basically defined my character. It was a flintlock musket, which should basically tell you everything. It’s a motherf-ing flintlock musket. An f-ing gun. As a soldier, I had three choices for a primary weapon: A Halberd (Cool, an axe-spear) a flintlock pistol (Much better, but knowing what I learned from Spike’s Deadliest Warrior, a flintlock pistol isn’t going to hit anything from farther than 10 feet away) and of course, the flintlock musket. I think it should be apparent why I picked the flintlock musket. All because I only had to take one good look at the damage it could do.

Yup, a gun. A gun like this.

Typically, a standard, run-of-the-mill starting weapon in a tabletop RPG is around… Let’s say 1d6, 1d8, or perhaps even 1d12 if you’re using a greatsword or something of that caliber, pun intended. For those of you who are unaware, a d6 is a standard six-sided die. RPGs use a lot of fancy, odd-shaped dice for all sorts of reasons. My musket? 5d6 for damage. I’m not even kidding. 5d6. In terms of these game rules, the worst damage I could possibly roll was 5 if I rolled five ones. But again, that was if I was unlucky. Let’s say if I rolled an average of 3 for each roll. That means I could roll an average of 15 points of damage. 15 points of damage will put most enemies in the red. And by red, I mean, covered in their own blood, crying and screaming bloody murder. Now, let’s assume I rolled 15 points of damage… After rolling a critical success, which doubles total damage, totaling 30 points of damage. Now, the thing about ranged combat in Cyberpunk is that you have to roll 1d6 to determine where the projectile hits. 4 limbs, 1 torso, and 1 head. Obviously, the hitting the head will do more damage. Let’s assume I rolled five 3’s, on a critical success, and I hit the head. Quadruple damage. 60 points of damage, and that's just the from the average roll of 15. Imagine getting shot in the friggin’ head with a musket ball. Fricking. Imagine. The muzzle velocity of a melonfarming flintlock musket. Your head would explode, no ifs ands or buts. 

While muskets are perceived as being inaccurate, that’s not really the case. The reason why muskets replaced bows is that they’re much more accurate, powerful, and easier to use. Sorry XxxLegolasxkatnissgirlxxX, but a longbow isn’t going to punch through a knight’s steel-plate armor from 150 feet away. A musket ball, while it may be significantly slower and less ballistic-friendly than a modern bullet, travels at around 400 feet per second, and will kill a knight and the knight behind him. It took that knight his whole life to learn how to fight with a sword and a lance, how to ride a horse, and taking oaths-BLAM! Dead. Killed by a dirty peasant wielding a weapon that took him less than a week to learn how to use.

Even one of history’s greatest swordsmen, Miyamoto Musashi stated in The Book of Five Rings that guns were the greatest thing since sliced bread. And keep in mind, this man spent his whole life learning how to dual-wield swords like a complete badass. (Note: This is one of many tangents I’ll go off on. Bear with me.)

I know that the katana and the samurai are sort of over-represented, thanks to the fact that most people compare the katana to a lightsaber. While the katana had its place on the battlefield, the samurai’s main weapon was the spear or bow and arrow. The katana didn’t really become perceived as the samurai’s main instrument of slaying until around the early 1600’s, where the warring states period of japan basically forced hundreds of unemployed samurai to seek out and kill each other for the hell of it. They could only hope to die fighting, and this really defines how samurai are commonly perceived in today’s pop culture. The wandering Ronin, only hoping to die with honor. Musashi didn’t die fighting, he died writing how to do the fighting, and how to do it well, to make more people die fighting. What a guy.

In a nutshell, even the most hardcore of samurai knew that the gun signified their end. My character, Oliver, was carrying one in his hands. Depending on how I rolled and where I hit, he could inflict anywhere from 5 to 120 points of damage. As Kaladin charged towards the skeleton, longsword in hand, I loaded my musket. Sure, it took a turn for me to load it, but 120 points of damage was too tempting not to try and do it. I ordered my character to take aim at the undead menace. “I fire at the skeleton!” I cried. “You realize Kaladin is right next to the skeleton, right?” said Tyler. Oh crap. I forgot about Kaladin.

I knew in an instant that firing into melee was a costly, dangerous, and ultimately dangerous move. Remember what I said about a peasant with a musket killing a knight from 150 feet away? There was a 1 in 2 chance that I’d blast Kaladin, taking him out of the fight, and a 1 in 12 chance that I’d shoot him in the skull. The same goes for the skeleton, but that’s only IF I managed to hit anything. You see, there was a problem with my character. I didn’t put enough points into his gunpowder ability. The difficulty check for hitting something with my musket was based on my perception plus my gunpowder points plus my die roll. When you make a character, I figured, it’s important not to make them a jack-of-all-trades, unless if you’re making a bard-type character. Needless to say, I was no marksman, and I wasn’t going to fire into melee like a total nitwit. I shot my musket into the air, wasting a round. Why? Because if I didn’t, the gunpowder would cake and erode the barrel of the musket. You don’t want to keep a delicate explosive substance into something that makes it explode for too long. Tyler was very clear about that. My weapon wouldn’t work if it was raining, I couldn’t use it after swimming, and to top it off, if I botched on a roll, the thing would blow up in Oliver’s face. Which would have been very bad. For me. 

When I later asked Tyler about using an 18^th century grenade launcher, he said “No”. I think I know why. So, I wasted a shot, and decided to close in on the skeleton to help out Kaladin. Being a soldier, I was the secondary melee fighter in the group. Thankfully, I had armor.

I tried to swing my short sword at the skeleton. I was ready to slay the undead monster. I rolled a 1. The thing about rolling a 1 in Cyberpunk is that, if you happen to screw up, there’s a whole plethora of ways you can screw up. How did I screw up? I rolled my die again, and I ended up throwing my sword at the skeleton, missing it by a mile. In two separate swings, I’ve killed my ally’s summoned animal, and I’ve missed by a mile. I was a soldier without a weapon, and loading my musket would take an entire round to do. The turn after that, I decided to run away. Kaladin backed away, because Strider caught up to us… And what he did was the opposite of how I spent my points.

Strider had dumped… Let’s say nearly 20 points into his bow skill. I don’t think he ever missed a shot. Mother of god, could Strider make his mark. Forget what I said about XxxLegolasxkatnissgirlxxX, Strider made Legolas and Katniss look like doctors in training. To top it off, since you had the option to take a penalty to aim at specific points of the body, Strider was able to sacrifice chance for accuracy nearly every single time. Meaning, if the unlucky son of a snake failed to dodge, he’d most likely get hit in the face with an arrow. Strider’s skill with the bow had saved us more times than I can recall. Needless to say, Strider took down that skeleton. Kyle, being the cultist/weirdo of the group, picked up the skull. He determined that this was the work of necromancy (duh) and when the sun rose, we set off. Kyle put the skull on the top of his staff. I think his character was proud of being an evil goofball.

So, from then on, we had two options: Find the jerk who made the skeleton, or head towards town for clues. Since the trail lead to town, it was the logical choice. More on the logical choices later. So, a few hours walk, and our group made it to a town. From Tyler’s description, it wasn’t too pretty. Now, the thing about Cultists… is that they frighten people. They have pale faces, their unholy symbol is branded on their foreheads, and they have scary reality-warping powers. Kyle putting a skull on the top of his staff (Which we named “Yorick”) didn’t help with his image. I think he knew that, and just laughed at the absurdity of the idea. 

To be continued...

Jim Jones picture taken by Nancy Wong, Chess Piece picture is copyright of Ricardo 630, Dungeon Master digital artwork created by Alexandre Salles from DeviantArt, Matchlock Musket picture taken from Military Heritage, all pictures are taken from Wikipedia and are in the Public Domain unless stated otherwise, please don't sue me.