Oh, and I wasn't always paid. Granted, I expected to be paid. Someone dared me and offered me 5 smackaroos for snorting crushed-up Doritos. Their initial response to my request of the sum total of five dollars for something they dared me to was: "I didn't know you would do it". A deal's a deal. I expect compensation. According to the CPI Inflation Calculator, adjusting for inflation, that $5.00 you owed me in 2009 is now worth $5.94. I probably won't see a result from this plea, but whatever. Where was I? Oh yeah.
Fish stink. Period. End of thought. It seems like no matter how you prepare fish, it ends up smelling like... Fish. Many factors play into this, but I'm sure if you live by the coast or near a lake-y part of the country - and I know I do - then you don't really notice it at first. But after remembering how awful pickled fish tastes, I remembered: "Oh yeah, fish are stinky".
People have been eating fish for a long, long time. People have been preserving meat for a long, long time. I myself have started to take up pickling, and I understand the reason why people would want to preserve meat. But after looking up certain ways fish are preserved and prepared, it makes one wonder "What in the actual 666 layers of the demonic Abyss were these people thinking?". I have provided three mouth-drying, unsavory examples of dead, stinky, pickled fish as food for thought, rather than actual food.
Before I continue, I'd like to point out that I try to find photos that are not copyrighted. If you look these up on Wikipedia, it's likely you'll find these pictures. I am not sponsored in any way, nor do I mean to take credit for copyrighted work. What I'm trying to say is: Please don't sue me for this stupid blog. I do this for fun, not for a living. After looking for some journalism jobs, I've realized that the field is not for me, but I will continue to write. This blog, as it exists, will never be monetized and will always be advertisement-free.
One more warning, a few of the videos shown here contain vomiting. You have been warned. Enjoy!
Lutefisk
Now, I'm going to get a lot of flak for this, being from Minnesota. I don't care. Try rioting by throwing that toxic crap at my house and see what happens. Do that while reading some Ole and Lena jokes, watching the Gopher game and shoveling a driveway. I dare you.
To start the preparation of Lutefisk, the fish (Commonly cod) are dried on these racks, just simply known as drying racks.
Not everything has a cool name. If I were to give them a name, I'd call them "The places where nightmares start".
Literally meaning "Lye Fish", Lutefisk is just that. The dried fish is treated with caustic lye and soaked in water for almost a week. Now, I don't want to make your favorite food sound awful, but it is. This process decreases the protein in the fish by half, and therefore, breaks it down, making it swell, and giving it a jelly-like consistency. That sounds completely nasty.
Both the Swedish and the Norwegians claim to have invented it, but why they'd want to is beyond me. Far beyond me. So far beyond me, the concept is in space spraying graffiti on the Voyager-1. According to the Smithsonian Magazine: "A legend has it that Viking fishermen hung their cod to dry on tall
birch racks. When some neighboring Vikings attacked, they burned the
racks of fish, but a rainstorm blew in from the North Sea, dousing the
fire. The remaining fish soaked in a puddle of rainwater and birch ash
for months before some hungry Vikings discovered the cod, reconstituted
it and had a feast. Another story tells of St. Patrick's attempt to
poison Viking raiders in Ireland with the lye-soaked fish. But rather
than kill them, the Vikings relished the fish and declared it a
delicacy. It makes for a great story if you don’t mind the fact that
Patrick lived centuries before the Vikings attacked Ireland."
Really, the invention of Lutefisk can be applied to any origin of salted meat. Preservation for long, miserable winters. Damn, those winters must have been miserable.
Allow the brilliant scientists and researchers at Wreckless Eating to explain. Skip to about 11:29, or watch the full episode if you want to see them suffer a bit more. Your call.
Hakarl
Hakarl, as I've been told, is much worse.
"How worse, Jack?"
Worse.
 | ||
| Photo by Chris 73 from Wikipedia. Please don't sue me. |
Simply put, this is rotting shark. Greenland or Sleeper Shark is fermented, hung like this, and left to dry for FIVE GOD DAMNED MONTHS before serving. The flavor has been described as "Ammonia and fish".
So, the thing that makes your pee smell awful, and fish, which usually smells awful. That won't taste good on a cracker.
According to Wikipedia: "The traditional method is by gutting and beheading a Greenland or sleeper shark
and placing it in a shallow hole dug in gravelly sand, with the now
cleaned cavity resting on a small mound of sand. The shark is then
covered with sand and gravel, and stones are placed on top of the sand
in order to press the shark. In this way the fluids are pressed out of
the body. The shark ferments in this fashion for 6–12 weeks depending on
the season. Following this curing period, the shark is then cut into
strips and hung to dry for several months. During this drying period a
brown crust will develop, which is removed prior to cutting the shark
into small pieces and serving."
I don't want to know the origins of this dish, and I feel sorry and at the same time hate whoever created it.
Chris Wreckless and Matt Zion are researchers, don't try this at home. Skip to about 7:21 to see the Hakarl.
You heard Matt. "Described as one of the worst things on the entire planet." Don't eat Hakarl, folks.
Surströmming
Similar to the Hakarl, this is just rotten fish. Just enough salt is used to prevent the Baltic Herring from rotting. I'm sure they had it down to a science. Left to ferment for at least six months, and for at most way too long, a Japanese article has described it as "Awful". This is coming from the people who really like their raw fish in sticky rice.
Surstromming smells so bad, it is commonly only eaten outdoors. Now, listen to me... If something is so bad, you wouldn't eat it indoors, don't eat it, you idiot.
It has faced several legal challenges, and has even been banned in airplanes, due to the cans potentially exploding and letting out the smell of a dead fish's ass. As always, Wreckless Eating is on the case. 11:02 is "Surstromming Time". Enjoy watching their suffering.
Feel hungry? You shouldn't.
