My Experience Trying Carolina Reaper Hot Sauce

Yes. I've been gone for a while. You could say that I'm a slacker, but working 40 hours a week while looking for other jobs isn't slacking in my book. I'm here to tell you all a tale of why you should always be afraid.

Pictured above is Ass Kickin' Carolina Reaper Hot Sauce. Pictured below is the actual Carolina Reaper.

The rule of thumb with peppers is typically this: The more shriveled and tiny they are, the spicier they are. And considering how these look like Satan's testicles, they're the hottest. These rank about 1 and a half million on the Scoville scale.

To put this into perspective, if Scoville units were like power levels from DragonBall Z:

A cute bell pepper like this would be your average human. No spiciness at all.

A Carolina Reaper would be like the planet-busting Frieza. I'd show you a picture of Frieza, but I don't want to get sued. Basically, he can blow up planets. One time, it took an entire 5 minutes, which translates to about a dozen episodes in DragonBall Z terms.

Back to the story.

So, my friend and I tried the sauce. We ordered a pizza, and put the sauce on it. Unbeknownst to us, this stuff was nuclear. My friend put a dozen drops on each slice, and then we tried a bite. If I hadn't bought a gallon of Whole Milk, I think I'd be dead or in a coma now.

Immediately, it started to hurt. My friend only finished about half a slice, maybe a slice and a half, but like an idiot, I had two whole slices of the tainted pizza, and drank about half a gallon of milk after I was done drooling and sweating.

If anything, I can say that I may be more of a glutton for punishment, or just a glutton. It was pizza, after all. Also, it is worth mentioning that pizza has a lot of bread in it, and bread is very good at neutralizing spicy things.

All of those things considered, it would be wise to know what you're in for. If you're having wings made with Carolina Reaper wing sauce, whatever you do, don't wipe it on your face, and for your own sake, wear gloves. For the love of God, don't wipe it on your face.

Around 20 minutes in, Matt Stonie regrets living.

As one final note, the capsaicin in spicy foods doesn't fully digest when it goes through your system. I'm not going to tell you what happens, but think about it for a minute. This has been Jack from Jack's Pile of Pages, and I'll see you soon.